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The word “sorry” has taken on a lot of meaning in our society. Just think of how popular the phrase “Sorry not sorry” has come to be. A major candy brand has snagged it as its motto in commercials lately. Often people will sarcastically say, “Sorry about that” as a way of saying, “Not my problem” or “Boo-hoo, that’s on you.” As a culture, we’re not crazy about saying “I’m sorry” in a genuine way. Apologizing is uncomfortable. It’s in most of our nature to prove why we are right and to defend our actions. Still, research has found that women apologize more than men do, possibly because men have a higher threshold for what they believe to be “offensive” behavior.
Even if women apologize more, it’s not like we enjoy it. There can be fear of things like scorekeeping – the idea that when you apologize, you give the other person the upper hand in the relationship. There are even times we apologize when we truly don’t feel we did something wrong, but we understand we accidentally hurt someone. Apologizing just for outcomes, when the intention was quite the opposite, is tough on the ego. And what about times we apologize to someone and they don’t accept it? Or won’t hear it? Apologies are rarely the happy reunion we believe they will be, and maybe that’s why we can often get sloppy when giving them. We spoke with Dr. Catherine Jackson (pictured below), licensed psychologist and author of The Couch Experience: A Guide to Good Therapy about mistakes we make when apologizing.
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Waiting too long
We asked Dr. Jackson about some ways our ego gets in the way of us handling apologies correctly, and she noted that it can make us wait too long. If you’ve ever felt someone owed you an apology but took too much time to do it, it can add insult to injury. “Our ego leads the way when trying to apologize in many ways. One way is we avoid or delay addressing the issue because we aren’t comfortable being uncomfortable,” she says. “When we need to apologize, we are in the hot seat and no one enjoys being in this position. So this discussion is delayed or avoided but that does not mean the rift goes away. In fact, it may grow wider as a result. ”
