Relationship Dynamics That Aren’t Sustainable

July 18, 2018  |  
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Any time anyone tells me about their new relationship—the miscommunications, the first makeup after a miscommunication, the first kisses, the first time having sex, the first time meeting the friends—I’m really just asking myself one question: is it easy? I can’t believe how much time I, personally, wasted on relationships in the past that I would have left right away if I’d known this simple rule: relationships are supposed to be easy in the beginning. Sure, they won’t always be easy. If you truly fuse your life with someone else’s, you’ll have financial difficulties, health problems, emotional ups and downs and more. But that’s precisely why the formative years should be easy. Your core dynamic—that dynamic between you and the other person—should be pretty effortless. It’s the only way you can survive the difficult things life will later throw at you. So on that note, here are relationship dynamics that aren’t sustainable.

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Career jealousy

Your partner should be nothing but extremely happy for you when you move up and you should be nothing but extremely happy for him when he moves up. You should be one another’s top cheerleaders. There should never be career jealousy or competitiveness amongst a romantic couple. It will poison every other element of the relationship. And if there’s career jealousy, that means one very important factor doesn’t exist—that factor by which you feel that your partner’s wins are yours and visa versa.

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Being his whole social life

You cannot be your partner’s entire social life nor he yours. While it can be intoxicating and flattering in the beginning, you won’t always like it if your partner relies on you completely for a social life. Unfortunately, if you set up a precedent by which your partner doesn’t feel motivated to build his own social life, he probably never will.

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All about looks

You can’t have a relationship that’s based solely on physical attraction. It’s just not possible. If you feel that the things you covet most in your partner are physical, then this relationship is going nowhere fast. People gain weight, lose hair, lose height, develop blotchy skin, lose muscle definition, and lose the fight against gravity. Naturally, you’ll be physically attracted to your partner, but physicality really shouldn’t make up more than…10 or 15 percent of it.

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Attraction to status

If you know in your gut that if your partner suddenly lost his status—if he was demoted from CEO to front office assistant, or if his celebrity status dropped—that you’d no longer be attracted to him, then this can’t last. Status is fleeting, and being attracted to status is not real love.

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Living luxuriously

It’s really just best to get to know each other under humble conditions. In other words, not on yachting trips, resort vacations, and private helicopter rides to elite wineries and celebrity chef private dinners. You have no idea if you love the person, or the luxuries in that case. You just have no idea. But…it’s probably just the luxuries.

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Romantic jealousy

No relationship can survive if there is romantic jealousy. You cannot cater to a person’s paranoia and suspicions every single day. You cannot stop seeing male friends, stop speaking to other males, stop working with other males, and stop simply smiling at other males to appease your partner’s jealousy. His jealousy is his problem to work out in therapy.

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Any trust concerns

Really, no relationship can last if there is any sort of trust issues. Maybe this has to do with trust over spending money responsibly or trust over keeping private matters private. Fearing betrayal is exhausting. Or, on the other hand, proving you aren’t betraying someone every day is exhausting.

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“Fixing” the other one

If your relationship only survives because you constantly have to correct and adjust your partner’s behaviors—always steering him in the right direction, and away from the very wrong direction he was taking—it just can’t last. You don’t want to be someone’s boss forever. You’re supposed to be partners—equals.

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None of your friends like him

Try as you might, but it’s very hard to stay with someone if your friends don’t like him. And a lot of that has to do with the fact that your friends (who’ve known you for a long time) are right. The other part is that you have to choose between being with your partner and being with your friends, and that separation of major life factions is tiring.

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You can’t go emotionally deep

Fun is…fun. But relationships can’t just be fun, light, and breezy all of the time. You should be able to go deep with your partner, and talk to him about your insecurities, your fears, the drama in your family, and your darkest secrets. If it feels like serious matters are off the table, then that relationship won’t last.

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You often have to explain yourself

You just can’t spend your life with someone to whom you must constantly explain yourself. Your partner should just get you. He should give you the benefit of the doubt. He should understand your intentions, and not take everything you say the wrong way. If he does, that’s just not the person for you. You shouldn’t feel judged in your relationship.

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Leaving work at work

Naturally, you need work life balance and can’t talk about work at home all of the time. But you also can’t be in a relationship in which you feel that you aren’t allowed to talk about work. If your partner scolds you for every speaking to him about your career—saying that home life is for home matters—you’ll feel split in two. And you certainly won’t feel supported in your career.

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One-way support

Even if you are the perkier one, the more energetic one, and the more emotionally stable one—even if you are a wonderful healer—that doesn’t mean you should be with someone whom you constantly need to heal, perk up, cheer up, and calm down. You can’t be someone’s therapist.

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A depressive and a happy person

Happy people are often attracted to depressed people, believing they can save them. Depressed people are attracted to the light and positivity of happy people. But what usually winds up happening is the depressed person brings the happy person down. Depression is just that strong.

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Fighting for attention

Your partner should always make you feel like a priority. If you feel you need to remind him to make you feel that way constantly, then this just won’t last. You need to be with someone who thinks of that on his own.

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