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On it’s surface, Halloween seems to be a relatively benign American holiday with plenty of admirable qualities. It’s kid-centric, there is lots of celebrating going on, and doesn’t urge you to spend needlessly as some other holidays do.

But there are lot of discrepancies in how this ghoulish holiday is celebrated in black neighborhoods versus white ones. Our experiences tend to color how we feel about things, and unfortunately October 31st just doesn’t bring the jolliest of times. Other holidays fair much better. Thanksgiving has tons of food. Christmas brings gifts and giving. Valentine’s Day is romantic. But Halloween has few things that make you feel warm and fuzzy. Quite the opposite in fact.

Somehow, Halloween and everything that it represents creates a huge disconnect in black communities everywhere. Here’s a humorous look at how:

Eggings

This egg tossing nonsense is one of the biggest problems facing the black community as there seems to be a disconnect between younger generations and parents. What black parent do you know that gives kids money to spend on eggs to waste? That is food! Not to mention the needless anxiety you have about getting pelted with an egg for two entire weeks of October. Eggings just ruin your whole appetite for Halloween.

Bad Horror Movies

From music to film to sports, black people have a lot to point to and be proud for our contributions to entertainment. But when we do scary movies, we take a major “F.” Nothing good is coming out during Halloween season if a black person is in it. Either the only black person in the movies is STILL the first person to die, or it’s a crappy movie with a lot of famous black people. You need proof? Sure:  Tales from the Hood, Vampire in Brooklyn,  and Tales from the Hood 2! I love Angela Basset but the film depicted above is not her finest moment by far.

Crazy Fools

From gangs, to stupid, ignorant folk, Halloween just seems to give the worse kind of people a license to act-a-fool. Muggings, fights and general foolishness are on the rise everywhere. Plus, it’s suddenly okay to wear a mask, thereby with a fool can easily jack somebody. A little anonymity and crazy fools get rowdy. Halloween is a day where danger casually hangs around every corner and all the crazy fools have good alibi. No thanks.

Free candy from who?!

When you grow up in a hood where you need three to four locks, and preferably one of those floor bolts, to keep some of your unsavory neighbors out, you naturally develop a policy of caution whilst you’re out and about. So sending your kids trolling about asking for treats seems like a risky proposition. Just because you see someone on the block doesn’t mean you know them. You don’t know what people are doing to that food when your not around. If anything, we’ll stick to the bodegas.

“Woman Thou Art NOT Loosed”

Compared to many European countries, Americans are seen as more conservative, but black people tend to be more prim and proper on the whole. Let’s face it. Black women are just a bit less ho-ish in public than their white counterparts. The entire Girls Gone Wild franchise is based off this very premise. So the lure to clad your body in the skankiest, sluttiest costumes in the name of Halloween just doesn’t offer that much appeal for black women. One of the reasons we are just not into it.

Pumpkins are Not Sweet Potatoes

Pumpkin, the official mascot of Halloween, must be the most useless fruit-vegetable thing there is. Black people don’t want pumpkin seeds, we prefer sunflower seeds. When you see nice looking pie over yonder, you’re hoping it is what it looks like: sweet potato pie and not a charlatan pumpkin pie look alike. We don’t want pumpkin soup, we don’t want pumpkin bread–it’s just not a pumpkin type of party for black people.

Ain’t Nuttin’ Nice — It’s Just Nasty

There’s a lot of fantasy involved with Halloween so it’s most indulged in by people with the luxury to be disengaged from reality. Everyone likes fun but we don’t have time for games and pretending things are cool when they ain’t. Maybe it’s alright for the kids, but us grown folk get enough excitement thrills, and contact with death in our daily regimen. It’s real out there on those streets.

Crowds

Black people want to like parades and the festivities, but all those folks packed into one tight space is a hazard. If something goes down, we want space to bob and weave. Besides, people are sweaty and nasty and all over the place on Halloween. And they are wearing masks. And throwing eggs. Let’s face it: The whole thing is a bad combination as far as crowds are concerned. Black folks in general would rather remain safe at home while others pretend that spirits are walking the earth. That’s just us.

How about you?

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