20 Funny Things That Happen When You’re Celibate For A Year
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You may think the hardest part about deciding to be celibate is going through sex withdrawals but any woman who’s gone without for more than a month — let alone 12 of them — knows there are some other interesting, ahem, discoveries that happen after you’ve been celibate for a long time. Here are 20 of them.
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Vibrators will spoil you
You will get so great at using vibrators that you’ll worry that a human being will never be able to pleasure you again. You’re sort of losing interest in dating because, well, your vibrator has it covered.
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The power of the pubic hair
You thought you knew how long and thick your pubic hair could grow. You thought you knew how curly and thick it could get. You thought you knew. You had no idea.
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You can forget how to have sex
You’ll find yourself getting nervous if the possibility of sex is near. You’ll wonder how you ever had sex in the first place—where do your legs go? What sorts of noises are you supposed to make?
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Tampons hurt again
Damn. Those things are actually super uncomfortable when nothing’s been in your va-jay-jay in a while. You remember why they terrified you when you were a pre-teen.
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Everybody makes it into your sex dreams
You’re so sexually backed up that anybody and everybody makes the cut when it comes to casting your sex dreams. It gets weird. There are certain cashiers at the grocery store whose line you have to avoid.
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You get really into massages or wine
You didn’t realize how much you depended on sex to unwind. You start spending a little too much money on wine and massages.
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Condoms expire
You realize that A) Condoms expire B) Your condoms have expired and C) They take a long time to expire, so that’s scary.
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You become obsessed with your friends’ sex lives
When your friend mentions she spent the night with a guy, you want all of the details. You ask a few too many questions. You kind of freak your friend out.
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You seriously consider scandalous situations
You find yourself wondering what would happen if you asked the bartender to meet you in the supplies closet for a quickie. You start imagining it, rather vividly.
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But you get really picky about dates
The stakes are heightened on every date. You sort of feel like you’re going to lose your virginity again. You evaluate every guy under the lens of, “Do I really want to give this guy my second virginity?”
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Maybe you are an emotional eater
You never thought you were an emotional eater before…But it turns out there is one emotion you will eat, and that is horniness.
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You can be really clean
You direct some of your pent up energy toward cleaning your apartment. Now you know you are capable of being really clean and you can never go back to your messy ways.
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You’ll start to challenge your own record
At first, the fact that you haven’t had sex in a long time will frighten you. But then you’ll get high on seeing just how long you can go without it.
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You don’t have to lie to your mom
You used to have to lie to your mom about what you did last night or where you are right now (you can’t say you’re driving home because it’s 8 am on a Saturday—driving home from where she would ask). Now you tell her you’re at the Farmer’s Market and you…just…are.
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You wash your sheets for all new reasons
You wash your sheets because they’re filled with pizza dust or frosting, or paint from your arts and crafts project.
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You’re a little crankier. Maybe a lot crankier.
The whole myth that people who aren’t getting laid are in a bad mood might be true. Okay—it’s true.
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You try to get men just to lay on you
You miss the feeling of a human body on top of you. You have tried to get some dates just to lay on you, fully clothed.
