20 Funny Things That Happen When You’re Celibate For A Year

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Image Source: Shutterstock

Image Source: Shutterstock

You may think the hardest part about deciding to be celibate is going through sex withdrawals but any woman who’s gone without for more than a month — let alone 12 of them — knows there are some other interesting, ahem, discoveries that happen after you’ve been celibate for a long time. Here are 20 of them.

Image Source: Shutterstock.com

Image Source: Shutterstock.com

Vibrators will spoil you

You will get so great at using vibrators that you’ll worry that a human being will never be able to pleasure you again. You’re sort of losing interest in dating because, well, your vibrator has it covered.

 

 

 

 

Image Source: Shutterstock.com

Image Source: Shutterstock.com

The power of the pubic hair

You thought you knew how long and thick your pubic hair could grow. You thought you knew how curly and thick it could get. You thought you knew. You had no idea.

 

 

 

 

 

 

things everyone forgets

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You can forget how to have sex

You’ll find yourself getting nervous if the possibility of sex is near. You’ll wonder how you ever had sex in the first place—where do your legs go? What sorts of noises are you supposed to make?

 

 

 

 

Shutterstock

Shutterstock

Tampons hurt again

Damn. Those things are actually super uncomfortable when nothing’s been in your va-jay-jay in a while. You remember why they terrified you when you were a pre-teen.

 

 

 

 

There’s some weird adult content out there

You watch more adult videos, sure. You run out of videos, okay. Then you graduate entirely from your go-to genre, and you start to explore the entire world of adult sex videos…Woah.

 

 

 

Image Source: Shutterstock

Image Source: Shutterstock

Everybody makes it into your sex dreams

You’re so sexually backed up that anybody and everybody makes the cut when it comes to casting your sex dreams. It gets weird. There are certain cashiers at the grocery store whose line you have to avoid.

 

 

Sunset dinner/wine/date, Shutterstock

Shutterstock

You get really into massages or wine

You didn’t realize how much you depended on sex to unwind. You start spending a little too much money on wine and massages.

 

 

 

 

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Condoms expire

You realize that A) Condoms expire B) Your condoms have expired and C) They take a long time to expire, so that’s scary.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You forget how expensive condoms are

If you think that maybe you have to buy condoms, when you go to that aisle at the store, you’re shocked to see how pricey those things are. You reconsider having sex entirely.

 

 

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Shutterstock

You become obsessed with your friends’ sex lives

When your friend mentions she spent the night with a guy, you want all of the details. You ask a few too many questions. You kind of freak your friend out.

 

 

 

Corbis

Corbis

You seriously consider scandalous situations

You find yourself wondering what would happen if you asked the bartender to meet you in the supplies closet for a quickie. You start imagining it, rather vividly.

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Shutterstock

But you get really picky about dates

The stakes are heightened on every date. You sort of feel like you’re going to lose your virginity again. You evaluate every guy under the lens of, “Do I really want to give this guy my second virginity?”

 

 

 

 

You look at yourself naked differently

It’s hard to explain, but you start to feel hyper-aware of the fact that you’re naked. You stare at your naked body a lot. “That had sex?” you think.

 

 

 

 

 

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Shutterstock

Maybe you are an emotional eater

You never thought you were an emotional eater before…But it turns out there is one emotion you will eat, and that is horniness.

 

 

 

 

Image Source: Shutterstock

Image Source: Shutterstock

You can be really clean

You direct some of your pent up energy toward cleaning your apartment. Now you know you are capable of being really clean and you can never go back to your messy ways.

 

 

 

 

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Shutterstock

You’ll start to challenge your own record

At first, the fact that you haven’t had sex in a long time will frighten you. But then you’ll get high on seeing just how long you can go without it.

 

 

 

 

Corbis Images

Corbis Images

You don’t have to lie to your mom

You used to have to lie to your mom about what you did last night or where you are right now (you can’t say you’re driving home because it’s 8 am on a Saturday—driving home from where she would ask). Now you tell her you’re at the Farmer’s Market and you…just…are.

 

 

Shutterstock

Shutterstock

You wash your sheets for all new reasons

You wash your sheets because they’re filled with pizza dust or frosting, or paint from your arts and crafts project.

 

 

 

 

 

Shutterstock

Shutterstock

You’re a little crankier. Maybe a lot crankier.

The whole myth that people who aren’t getting laid are in a bad mood might be true. Okay—it’s true.

 

 

 

 

Corbis

Corbis

You try to get men just to lay on you

You miss the feeling of a human body on top of you. You have tried to get some dates just to lay on you, fully clothed.

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