Happy Birthday Eddie Murphy — With Your Crazy Self! 15 Hilarious One-Liners From The Funny Man

April 3, 2013  |  
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Stand up comedian turned actor Eddie Murphy has been making us laugh for over 35 years. He has starred in almost 40 movies, including three stand-up comedy specials, and today the New York native celebrates his 52nd year on this earth. In honor of his special day, here are 15 hilarious lines from the funnyman over the years.

In his debut as the romantic lead in the 1992 hit Boomerang, Murphy played the dashing womanizing Marcus Graham. In one memorable scene, Graham talks to his boys, played by Martin Lawrence and David Alan Grier, about his ultimate turn off: a beautiful woman with messed up feet.

“She was beautiful but her feet were jacked up. I pulled the covers back and it was hammer time I should’ve known something was up I saw the little bumps on the top of her shoes when I met her but I thought maybe it was an old shoe or something but you would never, ever think a woman that fine would have hammer time in her shoes.”

In his classic 1983 stand up movie Delirious, Murphy turns a common childhood activity of running after Mr. Softee’s ice cream trucks into comedic gold:

“There’s something about the ice cream truck that makes kids lose it. And they can hear that s**t from 10 blocks away. They don’t hear their mothers calling but they hear that ice cream truck. Ice cream man always drove extra blocks away. And I know he’s seen us, but I think he just be in the car with his friends and say: [imitating the ice cream man] ‘Watch how fast I make these [kids] run.’”

In his Oscar-nominated role as James ‘Thunder’ Early in Dreamgirls, Murphy wowed the audience with his dramatic acting skills. But Murphy still had one of the funniest lines from the movie when he sang onstage, “Jimmy want a rib! Jimmy want a steak! Jimmy want piece of yo chocolate cake!”

It was in 1998’s Coming To America that Murphy first played multiple roles in one movie. As Zumunda’s Prince Akeem, who traveled all the way from Africa to Queens, NY, to find his princess, he had a hard time trying to fit in with American culture. In one memorable scene, Prince Akeem tries to strike up a casual conversation with his boss, Mr. McDowell : Oh sir, the Giants of New York took on the Packers of Green Bay. And in the end, the Giants triumphed by kicking an oblong ball made of pigskin through a big ‘H’. It was a most ripping victory.”

Due to the overwhelming success of Delirious, Murphy decided to record yet another stand-up special. In 1987’s Eddie Murphy Raw, recorded at New York City’s Madison Square Garden, he said: “There’s a song out now called “Ain’t Nothin’ Goin’ on But the Rent.” So when a man asks a woman “Hey, baby! What’s going on?” The woman will say, “The rent!”

Murphy struck it big with the franchise Beverly Hills Cop. As Detective Axel Foley, Murphy was in rare form: “I’m not some hotshot from out of town, I’m a small reporter from ‘Rolling Stone’ magazine that’s in town to do an exclusive interview with Michael Jackson that’s gonna be picked up by every major magazine in the country. I was gonna call the article ‘Michael Jackson Is Sitting on Top of the World,’ but now I think I might as well just call it ‘Michael Jackson Can Sit on Top of the World Just as Long as He Doesn’t Sit in the Beverly Palm Hotel ‘Cause There’s No [Black people] Allowed in There!’”

The former “Saturday Night Live” alum, was at the top of the game in his stand-up special Raw, imitating his crazy family. But nothing was better than Eddie talking about his overweight Aunt Bunny who fell down the steps:

“Ever had a heavyset aunt fall down the steps? Make a whole lotta noise. It’s scary too because they call Jesus on the way down. And aunts don’t like to fall down the steps like a kid. They try to break the fall and hold it and stop it. And that just makes the fall take a half an hour then. Real loud like (Making the noises of Aunt Bunny falling down the steps) pretending to fall down the steps) Jesus Christ! Help me, Lord. Jesus, please. Jesus, God! Help me, Lord, I’m falling down the steps! Jesus Christ, please. My shoe! Oh Lord, Jesus Christ please. Help me, Lord! I’m halfway down now!”

In 1989, Murphy teamed up with Richard Pryor, Redd Foxx and Arsenio Hall in his directorial debut of 1989’s Harlem Nights. Playing the smooth talking gangster Quick, Murphy had numerous memorable one-liners but perhaps the funniest one was what he said after meeting the beautiful Dominique La Rue (played by Jasmine Guy) and then realizing who her boyfriend was “What would a woman that fine want in a big, fat, narsty, greasy, fat, stank, bloated, cheesy-back, 12-sandwich eating [man]?”

Teaming up with Nick Nolte in 48 Hrs, Murphy played the quick-tongued Reggie Hammond who enjoyed brandishing a weapon: “You know what I am? I’m your worst nightmare, man. I’m a [Black man] with a badge which means I got permission to kick your A$$ whenever I feel like it!”

Murphy was nominated for a Golden Globe award for his numerous roles in 1996’s The Nutty Professor, which spawned several sequels. Gathered around the dinner table, Murphy was never better playing five different family members: “I think I do remember hearing somethin’ on TV about colon cleansin,” said Mama Klump. “They say everyone should have one. I’m thinkin’ about gettin’ me an appointment and go down and get my colon cleansed thoroughly.”

“You want your colon cleansed?” Papa Klump countered. “Fine, I’m gonna clean mine! [Farts] There, my colon is clean. My colon is squeaky clean!”

In the classic Eddie Murphy Raw, Murphy makes a hilarious observation about White folks:

“White people can’t dance. I’m not being racist; it’s true. Just like when white people say Black people have big lips, it’s not racist; it’s true. Black people have big lips, white people can’t dance. Some brothers will be in the club and white people are like, ‘What are those [Black people] doing in here?” They watchin’ y’all dance. And they’re like, “Look at these crazy people.’ Y’all be stepping on people’s feet and hitting one another.”

Murphy lent his voice to the talking donkey in 2001’s animated Shrek. Although he kept it clean for the children, Murphy still brought in the laughs. In one scene, Donkey was able to catch flight with the help of some pixie dust: “That’s right, fool! Now I’m a flying talking donkey! You might have seen a horsefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain’t never seen a donkey fly!”

Even though he got his start as a raunchy comedian who cursed just as much, if not more, as Richard Pryor and Redd Foxx, Murphy starred in the kid-friendly Dr. Dollitle. As the title character, Murphy proved that he could still be funny with a PG rating: “You spend all your time here, right? Probably grab your naps curled up in the break room; Little occasional nookie with one of the interns in the closet. But I have a real life, and I’d appreciate it if you only call me down here when there’s a REAL emergency. If one of my patients comes in carrying his own head, call me. If somebody comes in with a bicycle halfway up their A$$, call me.”

Murphy donned a fat suit and played double duty in the hilarious Norbit. As the 300-plus lbs Rasputia in a two-piece bathing suit, Murphy was a sight to see at the water park. Rasputia’s confidence was soaring as she sang, “Don’t you wish your girlfriend was as hot like me? Don’t you wish your girlfriend was a FREAK like me?”

Starring opposite Steve Martin as Kit in Bowfinger, Murphy proved he could hold his own standing next to the veteran comedian: “White boys always get the Oscar. It’s a known fact. Did I ever get a nomination? No! You know why? Cause I hadn’t played any of them slave roles, and get my A$$ whipped. That’s how you get the nomination. A black dude who plays a slave that gets his A$$ whipped gets the nomination, a white guy who plays an idiot gets the Oscar. That’s what I need, I need to play a retarded slave, then I’ll get the Oscar.”

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