Why Foreplay Is Important (It’s Not What You Think)

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You’re watching TV with your man. You’ve had a laid back night with not a lot of talking. And then suddenly, out of nowhere he says, “Let’s have sex.” And even though you love him, and even though he usually turns you on just by laying one finger on you, this doesn’t do it for you. In fact, it’s kind of killed the mood for the whole evening. Here’s why:

Dates are few and far between

When you first got together, you spent most of your time out of the house. You went on dates and double dates. You went out with groups of friends. You went to concerts, the zoo, movies—all sorts of “cute” date ideas. These are great environments in which to get to know somebody because you see them interact with other people, you discover their pet peeves, you see if they roll with the punches when a flamingo relieves itself on your date’s shoe. There are all kinds of different dynamics that bring out all different parts of your date’s personality. But, once you’ve been together for a while…

Your surroundings become one dimensional

You already know each other. The “proving” time is over. You know that you can get along in different kinds of situations, so you feel comfortable just sitting at home watching TV. Not to mention, dates are expensive and exhausting. The energy that naturally comes when you’re excited about someone new—the energy that keeps you up until 2 am talking on a date, and makes you somehow happy to wake up at 7 am the next morning for work—is sort of gone. But that’s the problem…

We forget that you like us

Even though we are at this place of just hanging out on the couch every night because we’ve already gotten to know each other, and because the guy has already decided he really likes us, we can forget that. If too much time passes without a little diversity in how we spend our evenings, we start to feel that we haven’t had the chance to shine in a while. We haven’t gotten to dress up for you. We haven’t gotten to be charming and make the server laugh at the restaurant like we always do. We haven’t gotten to shamelessly sing karaoke. We haven’t gotten to show you who we are. More importantly, we feel like you don’t have the energy any more to let us do that.

So, when you say “let’s have sex”

We feel like you would have had sex with anyone. We don’t feel that we earned your desire that night. Did we turn you on? Or, did a KY commercial do it? Did you just realize you have a big meeting in the morning and wouldn’t mind “releasing some tension”? Women take note, throughout a night, of when we’ve done and said things that clearly are turning you on and building your desire for later. It throws us for a loop when that desire seems to have come from thin air.

Seduction is mental for us

Yes, physical forms of foreplay are important but, we’re not going to let you unbutton our pants if we haven’t felt mentally stimulated, for a while, leading up to that moment. That doesn’t have to mean thirty minutes of dirty talk. It could just mean we had a great date where we felt connected and we felt that you fell in love with us all over again.

The point is…

I want to feel like a man wants to jump into bed with me—JUST me. Because I’m funny, I’m cute, I’m intelligent and I’m all the things that make me uniquely me. That could also just be that I’m Hot in my own unique way. But, if I haven’t said a word for the past two hours while we ate our takeout and watched Lost, and suddenly you’re ready to go, I am miles behind you in the turned-on path. Note to men: if you’ve been together for a while, are in the TV & Takeout phase, and want to get laid at the end of the night: plant a few seeds throughout the night. Talk to her.

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