It Takes Two to Tango: Why Do We Always Focus Blame On The Other Woman?

April 19, 2012  |  
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It takes two to tango…and two to cheat, yet some women solely blame the other woman when an infidelity has been discovered. After all, the lion’s share of the blame should be on the betrayer, the one who is actually in the relationship, right?  And although the other woman bears some responsibility as well, especially if she knew the man was married or in a relationship, it can be argued that she doesn’t deserve the majority of it. So why do we sometimes feel compelled to blame the other woman for a man’s cheating ways? Let’s explore these possibilities.

1. Denial

The main reason a woman might blame the OTHER woman for her man’s infidelity is simple – it’s just easier to deal with. While a woman may have known that something was wrong for a long time, no one wants to believe that their partner COULD or WOULD cheat on her. We believe that he loves us, so blaming the other woman is easier than actually acknowledging that something is wrong with the relationship. In our minds, she had to have seduced him or made the first move. Most women see cheating as a form of rejection, and since no one wants to be rejected by their partner, it’s easier to focus all of the pain and anger on HER rather than on him and a bad relationship.

2. Feeling Betrayed as a Woman

While most men have an “every man for himself” attitude, most women feel like they’re part of an unspoken sorority of females who should always be on the same “team.” So when we learn that another woman has deliberately broken that female bond, we feel betrayed. Most women assume, or even expect, a man to cheat – because they think it’s just in their nature. But we feel women are supposed to be “better than that” and know better. We believe that if all women lived by “the code,” men would have no one to cheat WITH – when in reality, if he didn’t cheat with her, it would have just been a DIFFERENT woman.

3. Easier to Confront a Woman

Some women find it easier to confront a woman than to confront a man, especially if she’s afraid of him. If the man has a history of violent or abusive behavior, and a woman discovers that he has cheated, rather than confront him out of fear, she simply confronts the other woman hoping the outcome will be less volatile. Also, some men have a history of infidelity, and his wife or girlfriend knows he’ll never change – so the wife simply chases his other women around letting them know that she’s on to them and hopes that they’ll leave him alone so she doesn’t have to confront him herself.

4. She Doesn’t Want to “Lose”

Whenever a woman discovers that she’s been cheated on, many emotions come to the forefront, mainly one of feeling inadequate, as if she’s done something wrong. We wonder what he sees in “her” – is she prettier, funnier, smarter…better? If his woman confronts him and he says the other woman meant nothing to him and he doesn’t want her, the woman then feels free to blame the other woman because she somehow feels like she “won” and got to keep her man. Even though the one who did the cheating is no prize, some women have a spirit of competition when it comes to other women, so as long as they remain “wifey,” they feel like they “beat” the other woman – when in fact, everyone has lost all around.

5. She Plans to Stay with Her Man

There are some women who will stay with their man, no matter what he does…even though they know it’s wrong, or that he’ll never change. In order to justify staying with their no-good boyfriend or husband, this woman will simply aim her anger at the other woman as if she single-handedly ruined her relationship. No woman wants to look like a fool in love, even if that’s exactly what she is – so she’ll call the other woman a “homewrecker” who somehow “hoodwinked” her loving man by seducing him…rendering him powerless to her advances. It’s all her fault. Now this woman feels the need to bond with her man in order to “heal” him from his infidelity. Chile please.

6. You Know the Woman Personally

Now, if there ever WAS a good reason to blame the other woman, this one might be it. If your man cheated with your bestie, your co-worker, or worse, a close family member, then you might (WILL) have to check her. After all, your bond with your best friend or family might (or should if it’s your sister) trump your relationship with your man, and they should be held accountable for not being loyal to you above all else. That still doesn’t absolve your man of his responsibility to you, and he still is to blame…but there’s a code among family and best friends that should never be broken, not for ANY man.

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