Ask A Very Smart Brotha Live: Carpal Tunnel & 2 a.m.Texts
Rob: Wonders how much azz he gets as a result of all the advice he gives… nice hustle…
DY: If by “azz” you mean “carpal tunnel from typing 75 words per minute,” then I definitely get a ton of azz
Laura: What would you say is the most important thing a man needs? Appreciation, understanding, admiration, or acceptance? (I know all are important but just want to hear what would be at the top). 🙂
DY: Out of those four, appreciation would probably be the most important. More than anything else, we (men) need to feel like what we’re doing actually matters, and a woman recognizing that does make a huge difference to us. This is why compliments, not pancakes or even p*ssy, are a man’s kryptonite.
Pretty G: I have been exclusively dating a man for the past 2 months. Things have been going great. We recently had a hypothetical discussion about cohabiting. Then the conversation seemed to get real (or at least that is what I thought) and I got a little scared. He makes a comment in passing the next day and I don’t comment back. Fast forward a few days and I bring it up again and he states that the whole conversation was hypothetical. Then he proceeds to look up pricing for a vacation for the two of us for 2013. I was under the impression that it wasn’t entirely a made up scenario. Now I feel like I am coming on too strong or at least that I feel a certain way about the trajectory of our relationship and that our feelings aren’t in alignment/ I think I need to back off a little but I am unsure of how to. We spend the entire weekends together Friday to Monday non stop. I have vowed not to bring up anything that deals with future plans involving both of us. How can I back off a little and make him chase me again?
DY: This is tricky, because asking someone to slow things down could easily be interpreted as “eh, I’m not really feeling this anymore.” Before I answer your question, I’ll need you to tell me why exactly you feel like you need to slow down.
Pretty G: I feel as though I am interpreting things differently. All the conversations that we have I think are serious ones. I feel as though I am not doing all of the chasing. I call him, I invite him over I ask him what are plans are for the weekend. I don’t even know if I give him an opportunity to ask me what our plans are. I wasn’t planning on asking him to slow down. I was planning on pretty much backing off to see where his interest level is. I don’t want to initiate anymore. I am starting to feel like I care more than he does. Don’t get me wrong this man is amazing. He comes over and cooks for me, is very affectionate. Whenever I call he answers. We speak everyday. I just want our feelings to be aligned.
DY: Yea, slowing down seems like it would be a good plan for you. As far as how to do this, I’d just stop initiating contact. Let him call you and make the plans for a while. If he’s really into you, he shouldn’t have any trouble doing that. In fact, he’ll probably prefer it.
Sheena: What do you suggest if your significant other has a single friend of the opposite sex that is constantly crossing boundaries? Such as making inappropriate sexual comments, asking him out for a drink with just the two of them, calling him to hang out because she’s bored, etc. You trust your significant other but the level of disrespect from the “friend” is undeniable in your view. Would you confront the “friend”? How would you handle this if you’ve never met this person but you know that she is known to be promiscuous and doesn’t even respect their own relationship (when they have one)? I’m feeling like my relationship may end because of this and I’m trying to prevent that from happening. Thanks
DY: You need to tell your significant other that his relationship with his “friend” is inappropriate and will have to change or discontinue completely if he wants your relationship to continue. One thing is certain, though. You have absolutely no right to confront the friend.
Missee Love: Is it wrong to get mad at my husband for wearing clothing from an ex?
DY: Yes. Unless, of course, he’s wearing his ex’s panties.
Lydia: Why do Black men treat non-black women better than Black women?
DY: Do you mean black men like Barack Obama, Will Smith, Denzel Washington, Chris Rock, Chris Paul, Sam Jackson, me, my dad, my uncles, and all of my friends? Or, are you referring to other black men?
Cheyenne: What does it mean when your boyfriend gets texts from a woman and 2am on the weekend? Is there cause for concern?
DY: It means that there’s a woman out there that either A) isn’t aware that your man is in a relationship or B) is aware and doesn’t give a damn. And, maybe she doesn’t give a damn because your man doesn’t give a damn either. Anyway, I’d ask your boyfriend about this.
Thing is a somewhat tricky situation because, short of changing his number, he can’t stop people from texting him. He could be the most trustworthy and monogamous man on Earth and there still might be hoochies and jezebels texting him at odd hours
Jennifer: Me and my boyfriend just broke up because, between our schedules, it just wasn’t working but he wants to be “friends” and still hang out. Why should I be his friend? Why would he want to be friends? If it’s just for the booty call I’m not having that cause I don’t do that with my friends now. So how do I let him know friends is out of the question or should we keep in touch until we are at a place where we can devote time to each other when our schedules have changed?
DY: Tell him exactly what you told me. Let him know that the “we’re not together, but we’re still Fawking occasionally” thing isn’t going to fly, and that if you’re going to break up, you’re going to break up for real.
Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com. Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com
If you’d like Damon to answer a longer relationship question, send an e-mail to editors_at_madamenoire.com. You can also join Damon on our Facebook page on Wednesdays from 1-2pm.
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