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I’ve been there. Crying, behind a locked door, because of some fight we just got into. And then, crying harder because I’m wondering, “When did I become THIS woman?!” The one who picks a fight every day, over nothing. Sometimes, you’re just picking fights for attention. Here’s how to know:

How’s your job?

If you’ve felt incompetent in your work lately—maybe you’ve been messing up a lot, or even got fired—you might feel like it’s you against the world. You might look for reasons everyone else is wrong, so you can ignore your feelings of insecurity.

Have you lost friends?

If you’ve made the mistake of not seeing friends and totally prioritizing your relationship, you may realize one day that none of them have asked you to hang out in weeks. And then the panic sets in. The, “Is my boyfriend my only friend?” panic. And that’s when you begin picking at him because you fear he has to be perfect—you’ve got no one else.

Do your friends get mad about it?

Compare and contrast. Do your girlfriends get mad at their boyfriends for the thing you get mad at yours for? Even run it by them: “Should I be mad at him for this?” You’ll see it on their faces if you’ve just lost a few screws and are getting mad for no reason.

Did you used to fight this much?

There’s a reality check. If he hasn’t changed—if he hasn’t become a massive jerk—but suddenly you’re fighting ten times as much as you used to, whose fault must that be?

Is he surprised?

Has your man had much to say when you’ve picked fights with him? Or does he look completely shocked? If most of the time, he says, “I don’t know what to say…” but you know he’s a rational man who respects you, then you might just be pulling fights out of thin air.

Has something changed in his life?

Has he taken on more responsibility at work? Is he helping a friend who just moved to town adjust? If a major change has happened recently that’s taking up a lot of his attention, you might be vying to get some of it back.

Are you the couple that is always fighting?

Take a look around. Are you pulling your man away to reprimand him any time you are out? The discussion should be able to wait until you get home. But if you feel like you’re losing your man’s attention, that feeling is going to be heightened when you’re out in groups. You’re likely to find a reason, any reason, to be mad.

Did you feel a tad guilty reading this list? Have you become this woman?

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