How long “should” a man last in bed? It’s a topic that fascinates many. Even prestigious educational and research institutions are not above looking into the matter. Narrowing it down hasn’t been easy for most. Research that surveyed hundreds of couples found that men last anywhere from 55 seconds to 44 minutes! Some might think that first figure is way too short and the latter is way too long. In fact, some may even say that the guy who lasts 55 seconds might suffer from premature ejaculation (that’s what the medical community says), while the one who lasts 44 minutes…just isn’t that into it? The median figure comes in at around five-and-a-half minutes, but keep in mind that’s the median – not the norm.
If you do have a partner who tends to finish too quickly, it can really put a strain on your relationship. You may begin to resent your partner, seeing as he always orgasms and you (probably) never do – at least not through intercourse, that is. A man who finishes quickly can come off as inconsiderate in bed, even if he can’t really help it. And it is worth discovering if this issue has to do with a lack of concern for your pleasure or a real inability to control himself. If it’s the first thing, get out of there! If it’s the latter, then maybe have patience with the guy. The physical issue you can address easily…ish. Here are ways to help him last longer in bed.
Do it more
What happens when you have sex with a guy who hasn’t done it in a while? He might warn you: “It’s been a while.” Or what about the guy who finishes rapidly? His excuse might be, “Sorry. It’s been a long time since I had sex.” Hey, at least they’re being honest. And it’s a truth worth remembering if you’re in a committed relationship. If your partner doesn’t get laid nearly as much as he would like to, then by the time it comes around, his penis could be extremely sensitive. He’ll also just be so excited, like a virgin again. So, if you want your partner to last longer, make sure you aren’t withholding sex for so long that by the time he has it, his body, er, prematurely reacts.
Have him do Kegels
When we think of Kegels, we often think of women doing them for the purpose of tightening things up down there and making sex more pleasurable for all parties. Because, of course, our vaginas can’t be good enough as they are, right? Well guess what: men can do Kegels, too! You don’t need a uterus to do them. Kegels are just exercises that strengthen the pelvic floor – something men have as well. Kegels in men can improve bowel and bladder control, but they can also improve sexual function. Ironically, if Kegels on your part make your vagina so, well, enjoyable for him that he finishes quickly, perhaps you two should switch: he should do more Kegels, and you can do fewer.
Use a thicker condom
You might like certain types of condoms like lambskin or ultra thin that are made to feel like there is no condom there at all. But, this might not be a level of sensation a man who ejaculates prematurely can handle. You might want to switch to a thicker condom. We go over the many kinds here. Your partner may not love using a condom, but you probably don’t love feeling whatever is the female version of blue-balled when he finishes too quickly. You can also compromise by just using the condom until you climax, and then letting him take it off so he can swap out for something thinner, or, if you’re there in your relationship, enjoy a raw experience before he reaches his own. Of course, if you do this, make sure you’ve both been tested and that you have other pregnancy prevention in mind (not the pull-out method, though).
Return to condom use
Perhaps the issue isn’t that you’re using thin condoms but rather that you’re not using condoms at all. Research finds that only about 14 percent of married or cohabitating couples use condoms, after all. And it makes sense. If you’ve been together for many years, know you’re monogamous, have been tested for STDs (and come up clean), and have another form of pregnancy prevention, why use condoms? If your guy is finishing too quickly, that’s a pretty good reason to use them. And other research has shown that men can last longer while wearing them. And if your partner protests because it ruins the experience for him, you can again remind him that the experience is ruined for you when he performs his Minute Man routine.
Take a deep breath, and be honest: is your guy jackhammering? You know what we’re talking about. He’s getting as many pumps in per minute as possible. It almost seems like he’s digging for gold in there! Is there a race you didn’t know about? Number of strokes tends to correlate with how quickly a man ejaculates: more strokes per minute means fewer minutes of intercourse. Stop being polite and pretending you enjoy it. You are doing him no favors. Somebody needs to tell him the truth: this is one of the most tiring things a man can do in bed. There are many ways the female sensibility of being polite gets in our way, and allowing for jackhammering is one of the worst.
Try different positions
Research has found time and time again that men love doggy style. Cowgirl and missionary hover up there as favorites as well. The 90-degree angles created by some of these allow for deeper penetration. It can also lead to a man who finishes too quickly. So, if you know what his favorite position is, for example, the one that has him finishing damn near instantly, save it until the end. If he tries to maneuver your bodies into it early in sex, find a flirtatious way to move into another position, like one that works for you. His favorite position should be the treat he gets at the end after you’ve had your orgasm. If he’s finishing too quickly, getting into his favorite position should not be a top priority during intercourse.
Have him perform more foreplay
Maybe you try everything and having him last longer during actual intercourse is proving to be difficult. Or maybe you’re just someone who needs a lot of time to orgasm. That’s okay! You can have your needs met. So demand them. Sex toy group Love Honey surveyed couples and found that most enjoy foreplay for just shy of 10 minutes. But if half of that is spent on him, then as the woman you may be getting just around 4.5 minutes of foreplay. That might not be enough to get you there or prime you to get you there when penetration occurs. If you need more foreplay, say something. Remember that once he finishes, he’ll probably be too tired to go back down there. With that in mind, say something in advance.
Let him masturbate more
Depending on what your sex problem is, your partner may need to masturbate less…or more. If he has no sex drive and masturbates often, then he probably needs to cool it on the self-pleasuring and share some of that desire with you. But if he finishes too quickly and he doesn’t masturbate during his solo time, it may be necessary to encourage him to spend some special alone time with himself. Perhaps you think it’s a form of cheating, or you become insecure when he does it. However, masturbating more frequently between sex sessions can help him last longer in bed. That has to be worth the slightly awkward feeling you get when he puts a sock on the door.
Have him meditate
It’s common as humans to always focus on the end – the destination. We don’t enjoy the view during the road trip, but instead, are consumed with what time we’ll get there. When we eat, we eat quickly, chasing the feeling of satiation rather than savoring the textures and flavors in our mouths. And in sex, we focus on climaxing. One of the words for that is “finishing,” which shows you the American obsession with getting things over with. You and your partner can both benefit from mindful meditation, but it could be a must for him in particular if he’s finishing too quickly. Mindful meditation can help him learn to slow down and savor the moments in every activity, including sex.
Make enough time for it
Perhaps part of the reason he’s finishing quickly is that he feels he must. One therapy group reports that the reason many couples say they stop having sex is that they’re too busy. One study on marriage satisfaction found that couples who carve out special one-on-one time report a more satisfying sex life. And yet, there is that problem: no time. Or not enough time. Of course your partner will rush if he sees you watching the clock. If you have 10 minutes to have sex, he may stress and feel he should finish in four. If you want sex to go on for longer, you may need to make more time for it. Make three times as much time for it as you hope that he lasts. This might help him relax and slow down.