What Do You Do When The Sex Becomes Too Predictable? - Page 3
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When you first met him, the sex was off the chain. All he had to do was look at you a certain way, and it was on. You’d go at it 2, sometimes 3, times a day. And then, life happened. Responsibilities mounted, your alone time became somewhat limited, and sex became more mechanical than passionate. If any of this sounds the least bit familiar, not to worry, it’s actually quite common for long-term partners to fall into sexual ruts. Thankfully, there are simple and practical solutions to this problem.
“I get this a lot, and I think that it’s so fascinating because couples have these sexual scripts that they stick to. Typically, the same person initiates sex. It happens in very similar places. The way in which people initiate sex are very similar,” says sexpert and relationship therapist Marissa Nelson. “A couple will come home, and one person will want sex. Somebody will rub on the other person’s butt, and they might ask for sex or make a joke. They might start pulling at the pants and then it’s like, ‘Alright fine, let’s have sex.’ And sex happens in a very similar way. Somebody might give oral sex for like 3 seconds. Somebody might take off the clothes and then sex kind of happens in this very routine way. That’s what happens in long-term relationships. There are a lot of different components to this.”
Thankfully, Marissa has some simple and practical solutions to this problem, which she was kind enough to share with us. So if you’re looking to bring excitement back into your bedroom in 2016, continue reading.
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Get to know yourself
According to Nelson, the first step is getting to know the person in the mirror.
“How do we ensure novelty and a sense of excitement and a sense of change in our sexual script? It’s easy! Individually, we need to figure out: What really excites me? What really arouses me? What do I really like? What really helps me connect to my deeper sense of sexuality? A lot of couples lose that. They lose who they are sexually, and they don’t know anymore. So they kind of keep having sex the same way. It’s really important for you to identify: What is my turn-on? What excites me? What arouses me? Because let me tell you, if you’ve been in a relationship ten years, I certainly don’t have the same sexual preferences that I did at 25, that I did at 30, that I now have at 33.”
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Communicate with your partner
“Our sexual self is constantly evolving and constantly changing. And as we go through that change, we have to bring out partners into that experience. We can’t just change things on our own, and we don’t say anything. We can’t hope that the power of telepathy will let our partners know that this is how we like to be touched now. Maybe I liked rough sex before, but now I’m into something softer, slower and more gentle. We don’t talk about it. It’s really important to bring your partner into that sexual experience. And also, to understand how you have evolved and how your interests have changed.”
If you’re unsure of how to have this conversation, Marissa recommends these questions to help get you started:
Since you were a teenager, how has sexuality changed for you in your life? What experiences and moments stand out to you?
What is an aspect of your sexual story you would like to embrace more, and what aspect would you like to leave behind?
What do you wish to experience during our sexual connection?
What is easier: to have sex or talk about sex? Why?
Are there things that you would like to tell me about our sex life that are hard for you to say?
Share three things that you find to be erotic with your partner?
Reminisce and tell your partner about the best sexual experience you had together. What made it so arousing and amazing to you? Be specific.
Are you comfortable asking for what you want? Why or why not?
Do you like to be dominated and taken care of? Do you like to take control?
Bonus: Both partners make a list of five sexual preferences they have individually, five new things they want to or willing to try together, and five things they want to do more of. Compare notes and talk about them.
Note: Before you start this exercise, create an environment where you can really delve into these questions without distractions. Give each other the gift of presence, AKA no TV on in the background and silent phones. This is a no-judgement zone, so your job is to be curious and inquisitive about what’s going on for your partner, and allow yourself to be open and accessible as well. Be gentle with each other and take it slow.
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Know how to turn yourself on
It’s important to understand how to turn yourself on. Do I feel sexy when I take a shower? When I shave? When I talk to my clients, I find that there’s a sexual routine. When people anticipate sex, I liken it to when you’re in college, and you finish at the club. You’re anticipating this sexual experience. You’re going over to someone’s house and there’s anticipation that comes with that. Even when you were preparing for a date when you were single, and you felt sexy. Did I shave? Did I put on perfume? Did I listen to soft and sensual music? Did I take a bath? What did I do to build myself up and get excited? And also, it helps to find ways to bring your partner into that.
About Marissa Nelson: After years of serving as one of Washington, D.C.’s premier couples and sex therapists, Marissa Nelson and her husband decided to pack their bags and move to the Bahamas. There, Nelson founded Intimacymoons Couples Retreats, which offers specialized training in emotionally focused couples therapy, relationship therapy, and sexual health. To learn more, visit www.intimacymoons.com, www.instagram.com/intimacymoons, or www.twitter.com/xoxotherapy.
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