What Do You Do When The Sex Becomes Too Predictable?
Communicate with your partner
“Our sexual self is constantly evolving and constantly changing. And as we go through that change, we have to bring out partners into that experience. We can’t just change things on our own, and we don’t say anything. We can’t hope that the power of telepathy will let our partners know that this is how we like to be touched now. Maybe I liked rough sex before, but now I’m into something softer, slower and more gentle. We don’t talk about it. It’s really important to bring your partner into that sexual experience. And also, to understand how you have evolved and how your interests have changed.”
If you’re unsure of how to have this conversation, Marissa recommends these questions to help get you started:
Since you were a teenager, how has sexuality changed for you in your life? What experiences and moments stand out to you?
What is an aspect of your sexual story you would like to embrace more, and what aspect would you like to leave behind?
What do you wish to experience during our sexual connection?
What is easier: to have sex or talk about sex? Why?
Are there things that you would like to tell me about our sex life that are hard for you to say?
Share three things that you find to be erotic with your partner?
Reminisce and tell your partner about the best sexual experience you had together. What made it so arousing and amazing to you? Be specific.
Are you comfortable asking for what you want? Why or why not?
Do you like to be dominated and taken care of? Do you like to take control?
Bonus: Both partners make a list of five sexual preferences they have individually, five new things they want to or willing to try together, and five things they want to do more of. Compare notes and talk about them.
Note: Before you start this exercise, create an environment where you can really delve into these questions without distractions. Give each other the gift of presence, AKA no TV on in the background and silent phones. This is a no-judgement zone, so your job is to be curious and inquisitive about what’s going on for your partner, and allow yourself to be open and accessible as well. Be gentle with each other and take it slow.