MadameNoire Featured Video

fear of dating again foda

Source: RgStudio / Getty

MadameNoire recently chatted with Logan Ury, the Director of Relationship Science at Hinge, about why now more than ever people are experiencing “FODA.” For those not in the know, the acronym stands for a phenomenon known as the “fear of dating again.”

The expert shared tips on confidently putting yourself back out into the dating world in case you’ve been feeling on edge about it. We discussed how many people have put their dating lives on hold altogether since the pandemic started, understandably so.

Interestingly, Ury noted that “dating has always been an anxiety-provoking experience because you’re putting yourself out there.”

“There’s a fear of rejection and you’re very vulnerable,” she reflected. “After a year of being in a pandemic and living with lockdown restrictions, a lot of people are feeling even more anxious than before about dating.”

Even those who continued seeking romance throughout the pandemic are navigating a different dating scene than the one pre-Corona. Now more than ever, many of the romantic interactions being sought out are conducted online and through dating apps as opposed to in-person, because of the pandemic’s restrictions.

Whether it’s been over a year since you’ve dated, or you’re just generally feeling awkward about things slowly veering back to being “IRL” now that restrictions are lessening and people are getting vaccinated, Ury said she and the Hinge team have known for some time that people are stressed about the dating era we’re in. According to her, that’s how the dating app ended up coining the term “FODA” to begin with.

 

Ury said that the first thing to do if you’re experiencing FODA “is to understand that it’s very normal and very common.”

“Whether you’re on a video date or an in-person date, one thing that you can do is just starting off by saying to the other person, ‘Hey, to be honest it’s been a while since I’ve done this. I haven’t been on a date in a while and I’m just putting myself back out there again,'” she noted. “The person is likely to say, ‘Oh! I’ve been experiencing the same thing and I was kind of nervous too.”

Ury emphasized being honest and upfront from the beginning of the interaction “starts the date from a point of connection, where suddenly neither one of you has to be afraid about telling the other person where they’re at currently.” Also, it’ll help you and the other person not get caught up in spending all of your time together talking about the pandemic.

 

Another great tip Ury shared is that you should try your best not to become consumed by your anxieties, especially when you’re on the date itself.

Remaining present during your romantic interaction — whether virtual or in real life — and listening to what the other person is saying so that you can make good conversation with them are things you can do to feel more confident.

“So often when we’re nervous we get stuck in our own head and we’re thinking, ‘Do they like me? I’m I good enough for them? I do like them?'” Ury empathized. “That’s all very internally focused. If you can actually change your focus onto being more external, and instead say in your head ‘I want to get to know them,’ and ‘I’m going to ask them questions,’ it’ll take some of that pressure off of you.”

“If you focus on being interested versus interesting, you’re much more likely to have fun on the date,” she encouraged. “It’s also more likely that the other person will like you because they’re going to think you’re a great conversationalist who asks really great questions.”

 

As a last tidbit of knowledge, Ury emphasized that “being interested in the other person isn’t just a way to be polite and learn more about somebody. It actually helps limit your nerves in the long run because you’re not so focused on what’s happening inside your head over how you’re performing on the date.”

 

When it’s all boiled down, “FODA” doesn’t have to stop you from getting back onto the dating scene. Whether you’re on a video date or out on a date in person, being honest, getting out of your own head, and actively listening are all important ways you can reclaim your confidence as you put yourself out there. Good luck!

Comment Disclaimer: Comments that contain profane or derogatory language, video links or exceed 200 words will require approval by a moderator before appearing in the comment section. XOXO-MN