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Amber Riley HelloBeautiful

Source: Amber Riley / iOne Digital

 

The past several months have been filled with incredible loss. In addition to the thousands who succumbed to coronavirus and witnessing the horrific murders of one too many men and women at the hands of police, we were also left to grapple with the loss of entertainers Chadwick Boseman and Naya Rivera as well as television writer, Jas Waters. While the majority of us didn’t know these people personally, the impact of their deaths resonated with us, as their work had an impact on our lives in one way or another.

For Amber Riley, the passings of Rivera and Waters remain much more than sad headlines. The grief still lingers.

I think grieving is a never-ending thing. Many people often think that grieving is a destination. Some days I think of her and I laugh and some days I think of her and I cry,” the singer and actress told HelloBeautiful. “I also lost an incredible friend to suicide this year who is an incredible writer and I was looking forward to working with her, Jas Waters. So that was really difficult. She committed suicide and she died a couple of weeks before Naya so it was like a double blow. It was very, very hard to come to terms with, but we’re making sure that we look out for her son because she was an incredible mother and if anybody knows Naya, she loved Josey. She loved that boy and I’m looking after her mommy too.”

Riley confessed that she fights her own quiet battles with anxiety and depression, which began during childhood.

“I’ve dealt with anxiety my whole entire life and didn’t know I was dealing with depression at all so I ended up having to take the time to get help, to talk about stuff, get some stuff out, and then as I’m going through the healing process I was like, alright, let’s get back into the studio. I’m still going through this depression and anxiety pretty badly, you know what I’m saying, but let me use music as my therapy,” the “Big Girl Energy” singer confessed. “Part of my anxiety had to do with my size. I was overly sexualized when I was young so I’d always dress in big t-shirts and shapeless stuff my whole entire life. I didn’t like that I had hips already. I didn’t like that I had boobs. I hated it because I didn’t like that kind of attention. Being young, I didn’t know that people oversexualized Black girls in general.”

The “Glee” star also explained why she does not subscribe to the body positive movement.

“I don’t really f-ck with the body-positive community. I was pushed into it when I was on ‘Glee,’ which was crazy because I was young. I hadn’t even decided who I was and what I wanted to be. I just was this size on national television,” Riley recalled. “My body is mine. I don’t need a community telling me what to do with it. I always have to be 100 percent real with myself. Honestly, if your confidence is predicated on the way that I look, it’s not confidence. I’m not anybody’s idol. Don’t worship me. Don’t get used to me being any size. I can get bigger, I can get smaller. I’m going to love myself either way, but I’m not asking for permission.”

 

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