Do you ever look back at some of your relationships, flings, and hookups and realize, “Oooh. That guy was an a$$hole?” We’re all just fumbling around in our younger years. We find what we like by experiencing what we don’t like. We learn what a good guy looks like by suffering through some bad guys. It’s really the only way. It sucks, and it means having some sexual experiences that are pretty crumby.
As women, we’re told men can’t help themselves. That men have tunnel vision about sex. That men don’t even use their brains when they’re having sex. That men think with their dicks. And things like that. So, we can, in our younger years, forgive some sexual behavior thinking, “Ah, they can’t help themselves.” But then, we get older. We meet a good man who cares about us and doesn’t do that type of sh*t in bed. And realize that all of those other men who claimed they couldn’t help themselves were lying—and were terrible people. Or just didn’t care about us.
Don’t separate sex from everything else. How a man is in bed says a lot about who he is out of it. A man who wants to protect you in life will be caring in bed. Even if he seems so sweet right now, if he’s doing some weird or inconsiderate stuff under the sheets, some weird and inconsiderate behaviors will come up in every area of that relationship. Trust me. Here are things a man who cares about you will never do in bed.
Refuse to switch positions
When you tell them a position isn’t working for you, or is making your knees uncomfortable, or is putting strain on your arms, and they say insist you stay put because it’s working for them. Or when you say, “I can only orgasm in this position—can we do that?” and they say they don’t really like that one. As if they won’t finish in basically any position. Come on.
Blaming you for your lack of orgasm
Taking absolutely no responsibility for the fact that you never finish when you have sex with them. They say you require way too much foreplay. Or that you’re being difficult. Or you’re holding back your big O. Or they’ve never had this issue with anybody else. Yup, it must be all on you.
When you regularly perform oral on them and give them foreplay, and they don’t reciprocate. You do it without being asked, but if you’re ever going to get it from them, you have to ask, which really doesn’t make it very enjoyable. And when they do it, they do it for like five seconds just to get the credit—but not to get you off.
Finish, and do nothing about you
Just focus on their own orgasm, completely oblivious to where you’re at, if you’re close, or if you’re even enjoying yourself. They clearly have a game plan mapped out that works for them, and do it, without being open to suggestion. Then when they finish, they don’t ask if you finished, or acknowledge that you clearly didn’t.
Leave you to clean up yourself
When they’ve left a big mess of human fluids and lubricant, they just get up, hop in the shower, and leave you there to fend for yourself. You’re the one who winds up with the most stuff on you so, a good guy should get you a towel and help you out.
Pressure you in any way
A man who cares about you will never pressure you in any way surrounding sex. He will not pressure you to have sex, if you’re really not in the mood. He will not pressure you to do things you don’t feel like doing or aren’t comfortable doing. If you say no, that’s it. That’s the end of the conversation. He would never try to convince you, knowing that would make you feel guilty.
Cover your face
A dude who loves you or at least likes you isn’t going to put a pillow or his hand over your face during sex. He’ll want to look at you. And if you’re certain he loves you, but he does this, he has some psychological issues and should see somebody about that.
Push the blowjob issue
A man who cares about you won’t keep trying to shove your head down there, or move his crotch to your face, or beg you for a blowjob when you’ve already said you don’t feel like doing it. He might gently try to talk to you about it, when you’re aren’t in the middle of having sex, because he would like you to do it more. But he won’t be aggressive about it.
Any backdoor stuff without consent
Whether it’s putting a finger, a toy, or his penis back there, he won’t do it without first asking you if that’s something you want or are okay with. Men who care about you will never enter that territory without your consent.
Men who have even an ounce of consideration for your experience will make sure they’re clean. So if they recently dropped a huge deuce in the bathroom, they’ll shower. They’ll get the hand shower extension up in there. And they’ll brush their teeth.
Spank you super hard
If a man spanks you super hard—like leaving a handprint hard—when you’ve never expressed an interest in being spanked, he’s got issues. Aggressive BDSM stuff is fine if that’s what you’re into and have asked for. But if a man does this kind of thing out of nowhere, again, issues.
Choke you without consent
See above re: spanking, and extend it to choking. But this one is serious. Choking should only be done between two people who know what they’re doing and have agreed to do it. If a man just goes for this when you haven’t said it’s okay, something is very wrong there. Especially if you try to push his hand away, and he puts it back.
Bring in a third without talking to you
Look, threesomes and swinging and orgies work for some couples. But that is something that must be discussed in advance. A man who cares about you won’t just invite another person into your sex life without talking about you in advance. Doing so without your consent is a form of pressuring you.
Finishing on your face
Say what you want about it but, I’m sorry, men who love their women don’t want to see their faces covered in spunk. You can keep lying to yourself and saying he loves you when he destroys your face but…well, let’s just see how long the relationship lasts.
Insulting your grooming
Maybe your man isn’t into how you groom down there. A guy who cares about you will find a sexy, playful way to suggest something he’d like you to do about your grooming. He won’t insult it, and just come out and say it’s gross or ugly.