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ghosting dating

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Look, if somebody ghosts you, it’s ultimately his fault. That’s some bad dating karma that will come back to bite him in the *ss. If somebody does something bad, they can’t blame it on the thing that triggered them—everyone is responsible for the way they react to things. So, the blame does fall primarily and almost entirely on the guy who ghosts you. Whatever it is he didn’t like, there is never a good enough reason to ghost. That’s a very immature and hurtful behavior. I just want to make it clear that it’s definitely not your fault.

 

That being said, there are some things you may do—some patterns, habits, behaviors—that may increase the chances that, should a guy having ghosting tendencies, those will come out in him. If a man is capable of ghosting, that always lived in him. He lacks empathy, is immature, and generally doesn’t care about the feelings of others. You don’t make a man a ghoster. But, there are certain indicators that that ghosting will or won’t come out. And, on your part, there could be things you’re doing that up those chances.

 

Of course, there are men who always ghost. That’s their way out of anything—from a third date to a casual fling to a serious relationship to a marriage. Hello: leaving somebody by packing bags in the middle of the night and fleeing without leaving so much as a note was the original ghosting! Now, ghosters have so many ways to ghost. They can not text you back, not call you back, not respond to your DM, block you on social media, block your email address, and the list goes on. Man. Ghosting sounds kind of exhausting. It almost makes you wonder why the guy doesn’t just tell you he’s done to save himself all the trouble. Anyways, here are ways you may be encouraging ghosting.

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Overdoing it on the correspondence

Right out the gates, you overdo it on the correspondence. You text him several times a day, even though he isn’t reciprocating that. You call him a few times a day to say hello, even though he doesn’t really seem ready to be on that level yet. He probably fears that, since you already reach out too much, should he end things properly, there will be such an overwhelming insurgence of texts and calls from you.

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Railing on guys who dumped you

When you speak about guys who dumped you in the past, you get very worked up. There’s real anger in your eyes—daggers, really. You become very emotional and say, “Can you believe he did that?! What an a*&hole!” You don’t seem to show any ability to put yourself in the shoes of your exes and try to understand why they perhaps walked away. You just see guys who dumped you as evil. Well, this guy probably doesn’t want to dump you to your face then.

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Losing your temper easily

You are quick to show aggravation with someone who is driving too slowly in front of you, a server who gets your order wrong, a pedestrian walking too slowly in front of you, etc. On multiple occasions, you and this guy have been out, there’s been a minor incident with somebody else, and you’ve chewed the person out. That’s a peek into what will happen if this guy dumps you in person.

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Wanting a “status” early

You’re all about wanting to know what the plan is here. Does he want something serious? Is he dating other women? Does he want to be married one day? When? Kids? What about them? Not wanting to waste time with men who don’t want the same things you do is understandable, but if it’s your favorite topic of conversation starting on date number one, this guy may ghost.

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You’re clearly playing the field

Maybe you’re the opposite of all-about-commitment. Maybe you’re clearly playing the field. Your date sees DMs coming in from multiple dating apps on your phone that’s sitting face-up on the table. You’re a little sketchy when it comes to talking about plans, because you have dates with other men. This guy won’t feel bad ghosting you; he’ll feel like you won’t even notice him disappear in the sea of other prospects.

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You get very angry that he’s late

When he’s 15 minutes late to your date, you get very upset. You give him the cold shoulder the entire night. You find snide jokes to make about his tardiness. You really won’t let it go for a long time. If that’s how you behave when someone is just a little bit late, he can only imagine how you’ll behave if he ended things with you in person.

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You chastise his planning skills

“Just pick a place. God, not that place. That place will be so loud. And it’s gross. Do you even know what kinds of places women like? Maybe I should just handle this.” You completely tear apart his ability to plan a date, which makes him think you’ll probably also tear him apart of he ends things in a proper way.

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You taunt his communication skills

You make fun of him—sometimes playfully, but sometimes rather harshly—for his communication skills. He uses a word incorrectly. He says “Um” a lot. He stutters. He struggles to get to the point. You point these things out. Naturally, he believes you will just obliterate his breakup speech, should he choose to give you one.

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You say you won’t sleep with him, then you do

Sleep with him on the first date. Don’t sleep with him on the first date. Whatever you choose to do, that’s fine, but choose it, and stick to it. I think what’s a bit off-putting to men is when you insist throughout the night, “I’m not sleeping with you tonight, by the way” but then you…do. It can make it look like you don’t have much conviction, and perhaps don’t respect yourself. It can indicate insecurities, and a man doesn’t want to see, in person, how an insecure woman reacts to a breakup.

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You drunkenly confess all your insecurities

As I just mentioned, a man doesn’t want to see your face or reaction if he dumps you in person, after knowing you have a lot of insecurities. It’s just too sad. So if you get drunk on dates and list off all the things you’re afraid are true of yourself—your career won’t take off, you don’t have a good body, your friends don’t like you—he won’t want to dump you face-to-face.

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You set the correspondence tone

Maybe you’re a little ghosty when it comes to correspondence. You don’t like phone calls. You take all day to text back. You don’t reach out often. You do accept dates with him, but as a way of taking things slowly, you keep the correspondence light in between—but it’s so light that it makes him feel like you’d be perfectly fine with him just disappearing.

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You’re dating narcissists

Narcissists are your Achilles heel. If you often date controlling men, you may also be attracted to narcissists. The problem is that narcissists lack empathy—it’s one of their biggest flaws—so they don’t think about how it feels to others when they ghost. They just think how nice it will feel to them to just avoid a real breakup.

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You’ve displayed violent tendencies

You’ve kicked a car that you felt got too close to you in the crosswalk. You pseudo-shoved someone who tried to cut you in line at a club. You’ve shown that you could, if provoked, become violent. That doesn’t exactly make a man feel safe ending things with you in person.

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You’re dating boys

You just keep dating boys. They’re technically men but, they’re boys. They aren’t comfortable with conflict. They aren’t comfortable discussing their feelings. They just want to take the path of least resistance in everything they do. If you aren’t sure if you date boys or men, here are some signs.

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You act like you’re in a relationship early

You act like this is a commitment very early. You invite him to brunch with your friends after a couple of dates. You call him, “just to say hi” after one date, and to tell him about your day. You’re acting like you two have been dating for years. That means that, should this guy dump you properly, the letdown would be tremendous. And he doesn’t want to see that.

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