Why You Keep Attracting Controlling Men
I can’t stand a controlling man. They make my blood boil. I’m not sure why they make me so angry. It’s not like they force anyone to date them. Sure, once someone is in a relationship with them, they become very bossy. But, the truth is that, nobody gets into a relationship against their own free will. But still, if a woman is with a controlling man, I do blame the man for the situation. I just know that he sought her out. He preyed on her. He looked for certain qualities that he believed would make her amenable to being controlled.
I also just find it disgusting when a man would want to control his partner. I think that’s some sociopathy wrapped up in narcissism bundled up in douchebaggery (that’s a word, right? It is now). A controlling man wants to take a perfectly happy woman and say, “No. You don’t get to do things your way anymore. I am going to knowingly impose rules and regulations on you that I understand will make you feel less happy and less free, all for my own comfort—or my own sick pleasure.”
You have to understand that controlling men haven’t just not found the right one yet. There isn’t some woman out there whom, whenever they meet her, will just put an end to their controlling tendencies. For them, it’s about the control. They’ll always find something to limit, possess, hinder, and manipulate because that’s what they want to do. But, you must know, as a woman, if you do keep finding yourself with some men, there are traits and behaviors they look for. Here is why you may keep attracting controlling men.
You let them speak over you
On a date, you let a guy talk over you, over, and over again. He keeps interrupting you, and when he does, you completely give up on what you were saying. Then you patiently allow him to say whatever he wants to say. You don’t want to interrupt. That’d be rude. But, er, isn’t that what he just did to you?
And speak the whole date
Your dates speak the entire date. It’s like their own personal show. They gab on and on and on about how well their careers are going and the cool trips they’ve taken and their personal journey and struggles. And you allow it. It seems like they need to talk, so, who are you to rob them of that? You don’t need the spotlight, so they can have it.
You let them dismiss your opinion
Sometimes, you assert your opinion, and your date just says something very dismissive about it, not even entertaining it or really acknowledging there might be some validity there. You’ll say what you think, and, without even looking at you—while making his next bite of pasta—he’ll bat his hand at the air and say, “Ah, you just say that because insert condescending assumption about you here. The reality is that insert his pompous ideas here.”
Or, you don’t offer an opinion
Maybe you don’t offer an opinion, at all. You get the sense that the guy may be quite combative, or really overpower the conversation if you try to give an opinion with which he doesn’t agree. So, often, when he asks what you think about something, you say, “Oh, I don’t know. I don’t have a strong opinion on it. I could go either way.”
You never show frustration
If your date is late. If your server gets your order wrong twice. If someone steals the parking spot you’d clearly been waiting for for a long time. You never show frustration. You sweetly say, “Oh, it’s okay. This is fine. I’ll just eat the pasta (even though you ordered the roast chicken, then they accidentally brought you the stew, and “fixed” it by bringing you the pasta).
In fact, you make excuses for them
You actually make excuses for the people who screw you over. If your date is rudely late, you say things like, “Oh, this is my fault. I shouldn’t have picked a restaurant on this side of town, where I know traffic can be tough at this hour. And I know that your job is very important and you get tied up late.”
You nod and smile to be polite
When your dates go on long rants—in which they think they’re very knowledgeable, very intelligent, very impressive—you nod and smile. You say you think that’s “very interesting,” when you do not. You compliment them on their knowledge, when you actually know they got some things wrong.
You let them tell you about the 2nd date
Your dates will say things like, “Okay, we’re going out again. Friday. I’ll pick you up at 8. Wear something semi-formal. I have a place.” They aren’t being cute about it though. They’re just saying what they would like to have happen, and have already assumed will happen, because they aren’t used to people saying no to them. And you get swept up in the pressure to say yes, so you do.
You are too generous, too quickly
You do very sweet things for guys, very early on. While that is just a nice thing, some men take advantage of that. They’ll see the fact that you…bring them lunch to their office as a surprise or walk their dog for them when they’re too busy (even though you’re also very busy)…as proof that you are willing to make lots of sacrifices and compromises.
You only ask, ask, and ask
You’re a great listener. You should really be a journalist. You ask great questions. You ask your dates all about themselves. They finish answering one question, and you’re ready with another one. But, the thing is, you ask so much about them, that they don’t get a chance to ask about you. Controlling men will love a woman who makes them feel like the center of attention.
You downplay your accomplishments
You won’t really take compliments for your accomplishments. If your date tries to tell you that your work is impressive, you downplay it. In fact, you say things like, “A monkey could do it. It’s really easy. Nothing to be impressed about.” To a controlling man, this says one very important thing: low self-esteem.
You speak down to yourself
You speak down to yourself, in general. You talk badly about your body, your hair, your intelligence, your background, your apartment, your job—everything. You’re always making little self-deprecating comments. Again, this is the big shiny low self-esteem sign that controlling men love.
You have friends who take advantage
Your friends don’t treat you the way that friends should. They flake on you. They talk over you. They make you their task rabbit. They ask too much of you, and give you little in return. They talk over you. They don’t really know what’s going on in your life. A controlling man sees this and says, “Oh, she allows people to walk all over her. Perfect.”
You don’t believe in yourself
You don’t really believe in yourself. You’ll talk about the things that you want, but then you’ll talk about the reasons they probably won’t work out. A controlling man will swoop in, and be your cheerleader…however, he’ll just cheer you on in the direction he wants you to go. He knows you don’t support yourself, so you may gladly take his support, even if he supports you in the wrong direction.
You ignore that first red flag
When he first shows that he may be controlling, you let it slide. That first time he has a bit too much anger in his voice when you called him back 15 minutes later after his text, but you said you’d call 10 minutes later, you just chalk it up to him having a bad day. You want to see the best in him, so you ignore your instincts.