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It’s a miracle my partner and I ever got together in the first place because one of his least favorite tasks in the world is making plans. And making plans is a pretty important part of, you know, spending time with somebody. And that is an important part of getting to know someone. Well, I guess I should take it as a compliment that he was willing to make plans and get organized when he met me—I was worth it to him. But, now he’s got me locked down, and he’s shown his true colors: this man hates making plans. Discussing logistics, talking about the best time to leave to beat traffic, figuring out which hotel is offering a promo code if we add an extra night and if we can find affordable things to do that third day. All of these things and more—he hates to talk about it. I, on the other hand, am all about the planning. If you’re in such a situation with your partner, then you know about these struggles.

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An invitation is a fight

When someone invites us—via me—to something, I think, “Thank you for presenting this relationship argument to me.” It isn’t their fault, but I can already predict all of the ways my partner will protest this—he’ll argue the drive is too far, or we already have too much going on that weekend—and I get upset, in advance, thinking of all my rebuttals.

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I have to find the right time

I can’t just get an invitation, turn to my partner, say, “Hey, we got invited to this—can you make it” and get an answer right then, like a normal individual. Nope. I have to feel the room. I have to determine whether or not it’s the “right time” to talk to my partner about plans. He basically needs to be in the best mood and totally relaxed if he’s going to entertain discussions about plans.

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So my RSVPs take a while

Because of that last issue, I take longer than I want to RSVP to events on our behalf. Considering that people know I live with my partner, when they send me an invitation, and I take three days to get back to them, they’re probably thinking, “What is taking them so damn long??” Oh, that’s just me, waiting over 48 hours until it’s a “good time” to discuss plans with my plan-averse partner.

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I have to research everything

He’s not going to do it. He feels his biggest contribution is just going to the thing—he’s certainly not going to research where to park, figure out how far it is from our previous engagement so we can determine what time we have to leave that, and things like that. So, that’s all on me.

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Then he takes issue with my plans

Of course, while in the planning phase, he doesn’t want to hear a word about or look into the logistics, but come the day of the event, he starts questioning my plans. He asks why we must park in this $10 lot, and I tell him it’s the most affordable one within walking distance. He starts, right then, looking that up on his phone, double-checking my work to find that—oh, right, I am correct because I already looked into this weeks ago. He had the chance then to help and he did not.

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Making plans with friends is a nightmare

This happens all of the time: I’m trying to make plans with a friend, she suggests a couple of different nights, I’m free on all of them, but I’d like to see what my partner has planned, since we haven’t had a date night in a long time. I try to talk to him about it, but he’s “tired” or “doesn’t want to look at one more piece of logistics today” and won’t give me an answer. Meanwhile, my friend is on the other line, waiting for an answer. She needs to plan her life, which I, as a planner, totally understand. So I just pick a date.

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Missed opportunities for date nights

Want to know how that last scenario pans out? More often than not, the arbitrary date I pick to see my friend turns out to be the only night both my partner and I would have had free for several weeks. That would have been useful information if he’d just checked his damn calendar when he asks. But now I’m seeing a friend that night, and I don’t want to cancel on her because I don’t want to be flakey. So there goes any chance of date night for a while.

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He nearly double books often

Even after I do the very hard work of getting him to put something in his calendar, when other things come up, competing for that time slot, he doesn’t check his calendar. So then he’ll tell me, “Oh, cool, I just got invited to this new event on date we already have plans!” and I have to tell him, “You can’t go—remember—we scheduled something for that day.” Then I feel like the barer of bad news, all over again, just because this fool can’t check his own calendar.

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I have to move forward without him

If I were to always wait until it was a “good time” to talk logistics, we’d miss out on a lot of opportunities. This is very true when booking travel, and I’m trying to get him to look at some of the hotels I’ve found. He’s too busy. He doesn’t feel like it. Then I find a discount code for one, but it’s only valid for another day. I ask him, several times, to look at things. He doesn’t. So I just go ahead and make the booking without his consent. I had to pounce on that deal.

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He’s upset I didn’t consult him

Then, of course, my partner gets upset that I made a decision like that—and a pricey reservation—without consulting him first. I have to tell him I tried to consult him many times, and that if he wants a final say in things, he needs to get on board with making plans in a timelier manner.

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I get in trouble for planning something fun

I can get pretty frustrated when he gets upset with me for just trying to plan something nice for us. Let’s say I find a concert I think he’d enjoy, but he has a business trip around that time, but we aren’t sure when exactly it is, and he doesn’t feel like pulling up his calendar to check right now—he’s “tired” right now. I pressure him to check, because tickets are selling out, and then he gets annoyed with me for “bugging” him. Geez. Sorry that I’m just trying to plan something nice for us!

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I feel like a drill sergeant

Even though we’ve gone over the plan several times, he never really gets it into his head. I announce to him that we need to be out the door and in the car in 10 minutes, and I find him just then getting in the shower. I can’t simply focus on getting myself ready for something—I have to keep checking on him, too.

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He thinks we always do what I want to do

Well, we do, because I’m the only one who is willing to research activities and make plans. If he wants to do what he wants to do, he has to take the lead and make plans. I’m not going to read his mind, figure out what he wants to do, and handle all the logistics. I’m not his mom.

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Some friends think he doesn’t like them

Because my partner hates making any sort of plans so much, he often just isn’t at things. I’ll tell him that we got invited to a party. He takes full advantage of the fact that it’s a casual invitation and they don’t require an official RSVP. He doesn’t check his calendar. He says, “Yeah, let me see.” Then he accidentally plans something else right over it, and I go stag to the party. Meanwhile, the friends who invited both of us think my boyfriend just doesn’t like them. That’s not the case—he’s a bad planner.

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We go. He loves it. He apologizes.

All of these scenarios end in him having a great time at whatever thing I so obnoxiously forced him to plan (so rude of me, truly). Then he thanks me for making it happen and apologizes for being so difficult about planning. He says he’ll stop being that way, but he never does.

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