Dating As An Introvert

November 8, 2019  |  
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being an introvert dating

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Dating is, in and of itself, a skill. We all like to pretend that it’s an equal playing field and that, if you meet your match, sparks should fly and it should be obvious that there’s a connection there. But, for introverts, sparks don’t really fly. Small embers burn, very, very slowly, taking a long time to turn into a spark that then takes its sweet time going up in the air. But dating—true dating—doesn’t allow for that timeline. In today’s world of online dating and app swiping, people expect results, fast. If they don’t feel a connection there on the first date, they move on, because they know they can—there are thousands of other options on the apps. It’s hard out there for an introvert. It’s time somebody acknowledged that. Introverts weren’t built for the whole meeting at a trendy bar and trying to get to know each other in 90 minutes or less thing. If you’re a female introvert, then you know about these dating struggles.


You don’t shine on the phone

There’s a lot of communication before the actual date these days. People want to talk on the phone or Skype or FaceTime. Introverts aren’t great at that. Using technology brings in a sense of urgency—you need to keep the conversation moving and fun—which is something introverts can’t do in a hurry.


Meeting the friends can be a flop

You have your group of friends who know your sense of humor, and know you’re a good person. But when a guy you’re seeing wants to introduce you to his group of friends it’s like, uh oh, now a whole new group has to get to know you. And you can feel that if you aren’t peppy and talkative and outgoing, his friends will tell him, “It seems like your new girlfriend doesn’t really like us.” But it isn’t true.


Your extrovert friend wing woman

Your wing woman is an extrovert. It’s helpful, but it’s also harmful. She gets all of the attention. Even if you two talk to a group of guys, it’s hard for you to make a connection with anyone because your friend is always the center of attention, telling stories and making people laugh.


But you can’t go out without her

You also can’t go out without your extrovert friend because, if you did, you wouldn’t talk to anyone. So it’s a catch-22. You only talk to stranger with your extrovert friend there, but then, those strangers only see your extrovert friend.


You aren’t great at small talk

Small talk isn’t quite your thing. Your loved ones—like friends and family—know that by now. But small talk is a pretty major part of dating. You have to talk about nothing at all, really—the décor, the weather, movies—to at least try to get to know someone.


You take rejection extra hard

When you get rejected, you feel like you never even had the chance to show who you really are. At least extroverts have the peace of mind that they put it all out there, and the other person just didn’t think it was a match. But you didn’t even get close to putting it all out there before it got shut down.


You need time to open up

You take a long time to open up. You have your unique sense of humor. You have interesting facets to your personality. But, you don’t just lie that all out on the table right away. You wouldn’t even know how to communicate that if you tried. Someone kind of just has to stick around and see it for themselves.


People are impatient today

People are more impatient than ever today. Like I mentioned before, if people don’t feel you could be the love of their life within, like, an hour of meeting you, they get back on the apps and look for the next match. And you aren’t exactly great at selling yourself.


You fade away in groups

In group settings, you completely fade into the background. This can become a problem, even on one-on-one dates because, what if you get seated next to a fun couple at a restaurant that wants to chat? Or your date runs into an old friend who wants to sit down and join you for a drink? You were doing just fine until this other person was introduced to the situation.


You can’t do loud date spots

If you need to exert much energy to make conversation, you just don’t want to do it. That’s not who you are. So going on a date at a loud bar or restaurant is very problematic for you.


A lot of men try to bulldoze you

Sometimes you wind up on dates with extreme extroverts and they totally bulldoze you. They just talk and talk and talk, and never let you get a word in edgewise. You feel totally exhausted after those dates.


Too many questions make you uncomfortable

In any other situation, you wouldn’t want someone to ask you a lot of questions—you’d shy away. But dates are about questions. So you just have to survive a situation that naturally makes you uneasy, and somehow appear calm.


Spontaneous location changes are tough

You can have a nice date set up that’s comfortable for you. You chose a place that’s quiet, where you feel at ease. You’re thriving on this date. But then your date suggests a fun bar or even a party nearby. Oh no. This dynamic just got destroyed.


You’re in your head a lot

As an introvert, your nature is to be in your head a lot. You don’t think it’s weird. When you’re in there, you can even forget that another person is right there. That can be an issue when you’re, ya know, on a date. Your dates often ask if you’re okay.


You need to say you’re an introvert

The only way you’re going to get through this is if you warn dates that you’re an introvert. That being said, there might be nothing that gives an introvert more anxiety than having to communicate to someone that they are an introvert. They don’t exactly want to talk about it. Especially since people say dumb things in response.

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