Funny Relationship Firsts That Mean You’re A Real Couple

March 14, 2019  |  
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You can have the “What are we?” talk. You can change your relationship status on Facebook to “In a relationship.” You can even start introducing one another as, “This is my boyfriend” and “This is my girlfriend.” But those are all just surface changes. That moment of really becoming a couple happens during other, less-obvious but certainly impactful moments. Every couple has that moment when they realize oh our lives are totally intertwined—and they’re happy about it. There’s dating and there’s being a couple. During the former, there’s still a distance. People are still putting on a bit of a show. Those are two separate people—individual entities. When you become a couple, you sort of fuse into one thing. Here are funny relationship firsts that tell you you’re a couple.

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When his mom calls you

When his mom calls you to ask if he’s been taking his medication, to ask if he’s still sad since that job interview that went poorly, to ask you how you’re doing since changing jobs or—and this is the wildest one of all—just to chat.

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Leaving so he can masturbate

He once went to great efforts to cover up this activity. He’d ask for a detailed layout of your schedule so he could identify a time he’d have the apartment to himself. Now he just says, “Can you go for a walk? I need to masturbate.” And you happily go for that walk. You know it’s good for him to, eh, help himself.

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Admitting your shameful thoughts

You reach that stage in which your partner knows you’re a decent person, so now you’re free to share your less-than-decent thoughts. I’m talking about your not-so-PC, kind of scary, borderline unstable thoughts. Hey, everyone has them.

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Getting in trouble for something he did

That moment when people get upset with you over something your partner did. Ooh right—you’re a unit now. He represents you. So, you’re in trouble over him leaving that birthday party early.

 

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Scheduling sex

When you both pull up your calendars to find a day when you A) have time for sex but also B) won’t be coming off some meeting or event that will leave you too stressed or upset to have sex.

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Losing track of who owes whom money

Eventually, you merge finances without officially merging finances. You pay for the tacos at the cash-only taco place. He always grabs your coffees from that little shop on Sundays. You’ve stopped calculating who owes whom what for utilities.

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Arguing about where you’d retire

Retirement is a very long ways away, and yet, you find yourselves bickering about where you’ll do it. You know what that means, right? That you’ve decided to retire together.

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Taking ownership of his birthday party

Your friends groups have merged so much that now, his birthday party is kind of your event and your birthday party is kind of his event. You used to politely go along with whatever he wanted, but now you have a lot of opinions about how he celebrates his birthday.

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Doing nothing for Valentine’s Day

That glorious year when you decide—happily, and together—to stay in for Valentine’s Day. Oh, and to skip the whole dozen roses thing. They’re way too expensive.

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Using the bathroom at the same time

You no longer wait to pee until your boyfriend is showering. You just go right in there. In fact, you both purposefully handle bathroom matters while the other one is in there, so you can hang out.

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Sharing passwords

Netflix, HBOGo, Amazon Prime, Postmates, Ebay—you name it, and he has your password and you have his.

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Intentional farting

The first accidental fart is really no big deal. It’s that moment when your partner intentionally farts, right next to you, and seems to get a lot of joy out of it when you know you’re a real couple.

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Giving weird but practical gifts

You stop thinking of elaborate and romantic gifts and turn to quirky and practical. For example, I gave my guy “dude wipes” (adults wipes for the bathroom) because I know how much he loves to have a clean tush.

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Realizing you really hope he doesn’t die

In a dark humor turn of events, you have that moment when you realize, “Oh. If this person died I would be like…destroyed. It would change my life forever. I’d be messed up over it.”

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Getting in a spat with his family

There’s nothing like getting into an argument with his family to know you’re a real couple. They’ll only bother picking a fight with you if they know you’re sticking around.

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