I consider myself a pretty secure person in relationships–I’m sure that’s how all crazy, non-secure lunatics start off a conversation on jealousy–I hide my insecurities well. I’ve always been very proud of the fact that I’ve never rifled through a partner’s pockets, phone, mail and/or other property. But the other day, I became one of those chicks who does. As I played Angry Birds on my boyfriend’s out-of-commission cell phone, I couldn’t help but wonder, what’s stored in here?
I wasn’t snooping in my mind, because he’d been very aware that I had his phone. I was just curious. Curious about what you ask? I’m still not too sure, but as I closed out of Angry Birds and scrolled over to the messages icon. The sane, non-jealous, secure, composed girl lost the battle and a green-eyed monster slithered out and took over. There I sat in his company, about to go there, unsure of what I was looking for.
So when the first thing I saw was an adoring text message from a girl or woman with a silly name, I couldn’t contain myself. There they were in black and white; a slew of text messages from the same woman! Another woman, addressing my boyfriend with the same terms of endearment I do. My heart sank as I read the messages. I don’t know how to react in these situations, as I’ve heard the stories a couple of times from different girlfriends about the moment you find some ish and the immediate reaction after. But everything I had heard before just didn’t compare to this in my twisted mind, because to me, this was worse since it was happening to me. I wanted to throw the cellphone at his smiling, unaware face, but I couldn’t and I had no grounds to. The messages were two years old!
Yes, you read that right. After the third scan over the messages and remaining completely calm or what I thought was calm in front of my boyfriend, the monster composed herself long enough to read the whole message; including the send and receive dates. However, this isn’t about the relief this revelation gave me, instead it’s about the pangs of jealousy that I, the supposed non-jealous, supposedly sane girl, still felt after finding out there was no reason to be mad.
Who was/is this girl? Did he really care about someone else besides myself ever in his life?! Believe me, I know how absurd and irrational this all sounds, but it’s all true. Once I opened Pandora’s Box, in my mind, all hell started to break loose. Surely I’d been in relationships before, I felt strongly once about another and thought I was in love before we were together, and that was fine because it’s in the past. Then why was it hard to deal with what I was reading? I wasn’t on the brink of tears, but I must admit it stung a bit. Then it dawned on me: THIS is why I don’t do this! By snooping, I’m only looking to smack myself really hard and create insecurities that aren’t necessary. That’s always been my belief and my step over to the dark side was confirmation of that. So a word of caution to you, ladies: I’m not saying don’t look for things that you don’t want to find, but then again, that’s exactly what I’m saying.
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