You Could’ve Kept That: 9 Movie Remakes and Sequels That Shouldn’t Have Seen the Light of Day

June 12, 2012  |  
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If you didn’t get the memo already, Hollywood has run out of fresh ideas. When there are no more fresh ideas, you reach back and start trying to redo a good thing. That’s where remakes and the blasted sequel come in to play. In the last year alone we learned that there would be remakes of the movies Sparkle, Annie, A Star is Born, Steel Magnolias and a third sequel to Bad Boys, all with black leads this time around. While some sequels and remakes can actually be better than the originals (The Godfather II, Toy Story III for example), most do a great job of making fans pissed (or worse, making them fall asleep). These were a few that had me ready to start a riot…or something of the sorts…just know I didn’t like these movies at all.

PS, Be prepared to click. I warned you, so hey…

Carmen: A Hip Hopera

Really? This might have been one of the worst movies of all time. OF ALL TIME! *In a Kanye voice* Granted, it was only a TV movie, but Bey, Mos Def, Mekhi Phifer and the rest of them should have known better. A remake of the classic movie Carmen starring Dorothy Dandridge, which also came from a Broadway play and book, Beyoncé plays the lead as an aspiring actress who uses folks to get to the top, including Phifer’s character of Derek. While it was a nice attempt by Robert Townsend, the acting is HORRIBLE, and if you were wondering, not just by Bey Bey. The music bits were a tad bit corny, and the adapted storyline just didn’t work. But I should have known the movie wasn’t going to be all that deep. Anything with Da Brat as the narrator, Wyclef as a tarot card reader, and Bow Wow as a jailbird (even though he was barely out of puberty) just won’t go well…

Why Did I Get Married Too?

I’ve said this before, but I’m sorry, I have to say it again. The original Why Did I Get Married? was charming, funny, dramatic, and MAD entertaining. Maybe that’s why I was so amped about the sequel. However, the second movie gave me a damn headache. There were so many unnecessary twists and turns for every couple, the characters and their personalities changed for the worse, and in the end, all the drama Perry concocted wasn’t actually  resolved. Excuse me, but he death of one woman’s husband shouldn’t make people forget that their partners are having emotional affairs and are crazy as hell. And if there’s a third one in the making anytime soon, Mr. Perry and I are going to have to have a word with one another because a fork needs to be stuck in that.

The Fast and Furious Movies

My goodness! Talk about running something into the ground! If the whole Fast and Furious series taught us anything, it’s that when the folks who made the original don’t sign on for the sequel, there shouldn’t be one at all. Vin Diesel didn’t come back to do the movies again until Fast & Furious (the fourth installment, which still wasn’t all that good), so the installments between that and the original (2 Fast 2 Furious and The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift), even with the inclusion of folks like fine a** Tyrese, were a hot booty mess. I don’t know how many times folks need to see people street racing and trying to concoct fool-proof but failure heists, but some of you guys keep going to the movies, so I guess it will never end (they have two more installments slated for a 2013 and 2015 release). But at least they brought the Rock on board!

Next Friday

Don’t get me wrong, Friday After the Next was hilarious, as was Kat Williams, Mike Epps and Terry Crews in the holiday-themed sequel (the third in the series). But the one before it, the sequel to the iconic hood film that was Friday, now that was a side-eye worthy film. Sorry, but it’s the truth. From the Hispanic neighbors who just had to be crazy convicts, to the random friend, Roach, who was always high, to the dog they got high, and the escape of Debo and his annoying brother, this movie was just all over the place, and honestly not that funny. The whole bit with Pinky, Baby D, and the woman claiming to be Day-Day’s baby mother was hilarious, but the rest, which was a majority of the movie, I could have done without.

Anything After Scream 2

Although I couldn’t stand the fact that Jada Pinkett Smith and Omar Epps got killed in the very first five to 10 minutes of Scream 2 (perpetuating the stereotype about black folks in horror movies), I have to agree with critics in saying that Scream 2 was better than its predecessor. It was indeed funnier and had a bit more gore and fright to it. It was pretty entertaining.

However, after the second installment, everything went downhill. Sidney Prescott all of a sudden had brothers, cousins and a bunch of extra random removed family members coming out of the woods to kill her. The more writers reached to find a new ghost face, the worse the movies got. And lets face it, the fact that Prescott pretty much became indestructible and survived all four movies was kind of boring, especially when you already knew she was going to end up the sole-survivor. It was good while it lasted Mr. Craven, but give it a rest.

Sex and the City 2

Uh, if you’re a man, you can go ahead and skip over this one, but if you’re a fan of the show “Sex and the City,” you already understand how I’m feeling. You know, I could get with the first movie. It was cute, it was a fashion lover’s dream, and it was a nice opportunity to see the whole gang again (not to mention that there was enough juicy drama to keep you intrigued). But the second one was wack. Let’s just keep it real. WACK! And not to mention offensive at times in its portrayal of women and men in the Middle East. The whole idea of bringing Aidan back to stir up trouble could have been good, but it was…blah. And for once, Samantha being oversexed became somewhat annoying (her slew of condoms almost gets them chased out of Abu Dhabi). Nice try, but let us just revel in the awesome-ness that was the show, and give these movies a LOOOOONG break.

Nutty Professor II: The Klumps 

I don’t know about anybody else, but The Nutty Professor was one of my most favorite movies from the ’90s. Blame it on the bomb makeup that allowed Eddie to portray Sherman Klump’s whole family, or the fact that it was soooooo funny (the scene where Murphy and Dave Chappelle go toe-to-toe in the club is classic), but that movie was just gold. But the remake was like copper… the copper you find on the penny nobody wants that they leave on a counter in the store. Maybe it was Janet Jackson in replacement of Jada or the crappy storyline, but the second time around, it just was all just a miss. Sorry Eddie!

The FREAKING Saw Movies

This might be directed at all scary movie sequels and remakes actually. Stop kicking a dead horse, son! Per the usual, the first movie was pretty entertaining, innovative and very creepy, but of course, someone decided they could reap enough profit to let the series go on, and on, and on. How many times can we play a game” folks? And I think we can all agree that a sequel isn’t going to be worth a damn when it comes out in 3D (that goes for you too Step Up 3D). Do we really need to watch all the gore with 3D glasses on? Let’s all hope that we’ve seen the last of Jigsaw, his brainwashed accomplices and the whole series of movies in their entirety. I think I was over this joint after Saw II.

Matrix Reloaded and Revolutions

How can you top or add to the legacy of a movie like The Matrix? I’ve come to the conclusion that you CAN’T after watching the movie’s sequels, Matrix Reloaded and Matrix Revolutions. Did we even need a sequel in the first place? Hell no, and making it so that Reloaded ended with a “to be continued” cliffhanger didn’t make it more intriguing either. And while I loved the action in the first movie, the last two were over-saturated with elaborate fight scenes that went on forever. There’s not one specific reason why these movies shouldn’t have been made, but a writer for TIME says it best: “…there is something alienating about it, maybe because it fails to fulfill its possibly loony intellectual aspirations. “All this for… what?” you find yourself asking. To which the answer comes back, as quick as a karate kick, ‘To gross at least $100 million on its first weekend, stupid!'” But then again, isn’t that the reason all sequels are made?

Which would you add to the list? 

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