“I’m sure other couples do this.” That’s what goes through a lot of men and women’s heads when there is a dynamic in their relationship that they sometimes wonder, “Is this bad?” when they already know the answer to the question. But when you don’t want to be out on the singles scene again, you would be surprised what people will allow themselves to deal with in a relationship. You can tell yourself, “this is normal, but there are some things that should never be justified: like the following.
No Judgment
Your partner makes a decision you find unethical—he won’t go see his father in the hospital, he is embezzling a little money from work, he is lying to someone in a way that will negatively affect them—and you just swallow your thoughts. You tell yourself “that is not a part of our relationship, so it is not my business or my problem.” But yes, it’s your business and will eventually be your problem. Some women think that all that matters is how a man behaves towards them, but how he treats the rest of the world—his family, his co-workers, a server at a restaurant—does not affect her. Trust me, those behaviors are indicative of issues he has that will eventually affect you. He will lie, be rude to and hurt you one day, too.
Yelling
Okay, it happens sometimes. But it’s astounding how many couples think that frequent—maybe daily—yelling is normal. They assume that everyone yells. But guess what? They don’t. There are in fact countless happy, yell-free relationships out there. If you look back at the past month of your relationship and have a significant number of memories of yelling at one another, or even just your partner yelling at you, I hate to say it, but…that relationship has gone rotten.
Walking on eggshells
If you hide harmless details from your partner—who you’re hanging out with, what you’re doing—because you know they will take it the wrong way, even though you know there is nothing wrong with it, that’s a problem. A lot of people justify this by saying “oh, he just gets nervous about this or that. It’s better if I don’t tell him.” But that is not healthy. There is major insecurity on your partner’s part if you have to lie to him about harmless things you are doing. Or maybe, you could be out doing things you know you have no business getting into that you should reconsider out of respect for your partner. Either way, the longer you do this, and the more you indulge his insecurities and don’t make him face them, you’ll just keep having to come up with more elaborate lies.
Sarcasm
I understand sarcasm is a major part of a man individual’s sense of humor. However, if you and your partner find yourselves frequently saying things under your breath at one another—hurtful things that you really do mean—that’s a problem. It can mean that you two are incapable of talking about your problems. If your boyfriend does something you find annoying and you just turn your head and mutter, “typical,” all you’re doing is putting your negative thoughts out into the room, but not opening up a conversation about the issue.
Internalizing
No woman wants to be seen as the “dramatic girlfriend.” And, in general, most (healthy) people don’t desire to fight, so they end up doing the unhealthy thing of telling their partner “it’s cool” when it’s not. And even telling themselves that. But, if you’ve conditioned yourself to internalize things, that means subconsciously you believe your partner is the type who would reprimand you for bringing up an issue. And either you are correct about that, and really shouldn’t be with that person. OR, you’re wrong, and you’re not giving them the chance to prove that they are open to honest conversations and working issues out.
Obligatory Sex
Sometimes you say you’re not in the mood and your boyfriend sort of teases you, tickles you, tries to seduce you and get you in the mood. That’s fine. But, if you or your partner ever straight up try to make the other one feel bad or guilty for not wanting to have sex—say you become cold towards them or even go so far as to start saying mean things to them—that is a deeply disturbing dynamic. Never should someone resent you or attempt to make you insecure in order for you to sleep with them. That BS happens enough at single bars as it is. It should not be happening in a healthy relationship.
A Royal Mentality
You should both be willing to drive to the other one’s side of town. You should both be willing to do the dishes. You should both be willing to take care of the other one when sick. Some men find it fun to treat a woman like a princess—at first. A lot of women love to say “I treat my man like a king” and will do anything for him and ask for nothing in return—at first. But believe me, whoever is in the seat of royalty will always end up abusing it and take the other person for granted.
An Unsure Future
It is so common to find a relationship in which, one person has openly stated that they hope for more than what the other person hopes for. One hopes for a committed relationship, if not marriage. The other person has stated they absolutely do not want that. But the two people are so blissfully happy right now, that they don’t want to talk about the inevitable demise of their relationship. The one who wants less is being selfish—he or she is happy to have sex and companionship now, even though he or she knows the other person will inevitably get hurt. The person who wants more is being weak—they too are happy to have sex and companionship now, and are too afraid to be alone while they wait for someone to come along who can actually give them what they want. Don’t let either of these types be you.
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