Ask The Luv Coach: My Husband’s Baby Mama Is Threatening Our Marriage
Dear Brandy,
Your feelings in this situation are valid. Anyone who has spent 5 years being disrespected by their loved one’s ex would feel the way that you do. Just know that you are not alone in this baby mama drama; women the world over deal with it daily. The key to sorting this situation out though is to approach it with class and tact. You know that you can’t change how his ex will behave, but you can change how you respond to it. Instead of getting upset when he goes over there, tell your husband you want to spend time getting to know his child as well. You are family, and if you want your husband to treat you like family, then you will need to insist that he include you in his time with his son. Come up with fun and enjoyable suggestions that you three can do together, and make sure to always present a united front when it comes to your marriage. You’re in this together, so work on showing the world you can solve it together.
It’s obvious you are frustrated with how your husband is handling this situation. His behavior around his ex is due to years of training by her to manipulate and control the situation so that she benefits. Your husband has allowed this to continue because to him it’s easier to just deal with the ‘crazy’ instead of fighting it. You are now at the point at which you have tried to talk sense into him, so that he will understand your side of the situation, but since it’s easier to argue with you than argue with ‘crazy’ he is fighting to maintain the standard set by his ex. In order to change that, you don’t want to stoop to her level.
Telling him that spending time over at her home means a death certificate to your marriage is not the way to handle yourself. Ultimatums and threats are poor ways of communicating. In order to get your point across and set the boundary of how serious this situation is you need to help him understand how it feels to be in your shoes.
Ask him to imagine how it would feel if you had to see your ex each week at his home, knowing that he still loved you. How would he feel if your ex made up lies about him, and kept it from your child that you were re-married? How might he respond if you couldn’t’ tell your ex where you live because he might do something crazy or harm him in some way? Ask him to switch shoes and experience what it is like to be you in this situation.
There is no reason for your husband to bow down to his ex anymore, but figuring out how to handle her so that he can have a relationship with his son is paramount. You both need to solve the best way for you both to deal with her, so that she no longer affects your marriage. At present she is the third wheel, and it’s driving a wedge between you two. Let your husband know that you understand what he is going through, and you hope that he can now understand what you are going through. Then ask how ‘we’ can solve this situation so that ‘we’ both win. You both want the same things; love, support and trust. He needs you to love him, support his need to see his son and trust that he will always behave faithfully and respectfully. You need him to love you, support your need to be valued and validated as his #1 woman, and trust that he will protect your heart. Knowing that you both have the same wants, what can you do to fulfill them?
This is not the end of your relationship, so don’t pull the death card. This is a bump in the road called marriage, and the best way to deal with it is to figure out how the both of you can solve it together. These are the lessons that strengthen and fortify your marriage, and as long as you support each other your marriage will persevere.
-Luv Coach Brody
Rebecca Brody, The Luv Coach
Previous Luv Coach: “You Lied On Your Application, Now You Can’t Be Trusted”
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Rebecca Brody is a certified life empowerment coach with an expertise in love and relationships. She currently has a private practice in New York city and works with clients across the USA. For more musing from The Luv Coach go to www.TheLuvCoach.com.
