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The emotional healing process could probably begin a lot sooner for most people if we’d just accept that we all carry stuff around from our childhood. It can be particularly difficult to admit that our childhoods – and particularly the way our parents behaved – impact how we are today if we don’t like the way our parents behaved. You likely know people who frame most of their lives and decisions around the goal of not being like their parents. But, in that very way, their parents are still ruling their lives.
You can’t help it if you grew up in a house with a lot of conflict. That’s not your fault. How could it be? You were a child. Even if you participated in the conflict, the adults set the tone for the house. And if that tone involved a lot of yelling, name-calling, threats of leaving, and other disturbing tactics, that can really impact the way a child grows into an adult and a partner in relationships. We spoke with Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Altagracia Y. Andre about how growing up in a house of conflict can impact your relationships as an adult.
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Failing to trust others…and yourself
Andre says that having grown up in a home where your parents always fought can not only make it hard to trust others but also to trust yourself to behave in a way you’re proud of in relationships. “Having witnessed conflict in your parent’s relationship can trigger a sense of distrust. Clients say ‘The way that he or she spoke to me brought up something.’ Trauma and trust go hand in hand. Even the fear of what a relationship brings…there are people who can date and drop out of the relationship early if they feel it gets too serious. They worry, ‘I might get involved in the same type of relationship as my mother or father. I want to avoid that.’ They want to avoid repeating patterns.”
