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Not everyone grows up with the same understanding of what it means to be a friend, or what healthy expectations are of friends. Our parents are our first role models for all types of relationships, both romantic and platonic, and we can pick up some of the ways we handle friendships based on what we saw our moms and dads do growing up. Sometimes, the way we develop is more indirect, and we behave in friendships the way we needed to behave as kids to get the sorts of attention we wanted from parents. By the time one is an adult, there is a lot of unlearning to do. It’s a time to figure out which behaviors you carry out with clear eyes and a grownup perspective, and which are left over from childhood, and perhaps no longer serving you?
Possibly one of the most difficult things to figure out about human relationships is how to strike a balance between give and take. It’s easy to veer too far to one side – either constantly being the giver that people walk all over, or constantly being the taker, who walks all over others. Existing more in the center requires constant attention to our own actions and a lot of self-awareness. Not everyone is capable of it. And for many, they can wind up in a situation where they feel more like a therapist to their friends than a friend. It’s a common trap to fall into and can be hard to get out of. But you need your friends to energize you, rather than just drain you. We spoke with Kiara Hartwell, a licensed counselor and founder of Kiara Hartwell LLC, about signs your friends treat you more like a therapist than a friend.
Source: Genevieve David Photography / Genevieve David Photography
What does it look like?
Do you find yourself doing a lot of listening with your friend, rather than much sharing? Hartwell gave an example of a common occurrence in these friendships where one person is treated like a therapist, rather than a friend. She says it can look like “The therapist friend getting on a phone call or showing up to a dinner or coffee date expecting to have a mutual conversation about life, but instead are often sitting in silence for a long period of time listening to their friend’s issues.”
