How Accidental Pregnancy Affects A Marriage
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Parenthood is a shock to the system for those who planned children. It’s an even greater shock to those who did not. Since you may not hear too much about unintended pregnancy in your social circle, you might think it’s not that common. But studies actually find nearly half of pregnancies in the U.S. each year are accidental. It’s not an accident many are vocal about, which may be why we think it isn’t common.
Remember that an unintended pregnancy can either mean a pregnancy that occurs when no children were wanted or pregnancy that occurs at the wrong time (i.e. too early). Unplanned pregnancy has a very different effect on a couple that is no longer romantically involved or didn’t plan for a long-term relationship than it has on a married couple. With a married couple, there is still that expectation of maintaining a romantic relationship. There is that support from the other partner, but each person also has to be held accountable by the other, every day, every hour. We spoke with Dr. Laura Louis, Ph.D., founder of Atlanta Couples Therapy about how an unplanned pregnancy affects a marriage.
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It really is that common
Dr. Louis says that most of the couples she sees did not plan their pregnancy. She collects this information as part of her intake process. Dr. Louis often helps couples through major life transitions, and many couples come to her to work through the major transition of an unplanned pregnancy.
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A sudden “goodbye” to you
“There can be shock. There can be the anxiety of ‘Do I have to give up my career? How do I still nurture this part of myself as a career woman, even though now I’m also becoming a mother? How do I balance those two things?’” says Dr. Louis. “Accidental pregnancy can feel like you’re losing a part of yourself that you don’t have any control over.”
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How does motherhood affect one’s career?
There have been interesting studies that examine how motherhood affects a woman’s career, both in the short-term and long-run. Research has found that it can reduce a woman’s participation in the labor force and wages when she is younger, but these effects tend to level out in a woman’s 40s and 50s. Only for women with three kids or more does motherhood seem to result in lower wages, over a lifetime.
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A rapid recalibration
“A person may have a hobby that they’re used to doing. Or trips that they’re used to taking. And now they’re trying to recalibrate… ‘What does that look like now that I’m pregnant?’” says Dr. Louis. The adjustment can be difficult, but research has found that when mothers feel satisfaction in friendships (among other factors), adjusting to motherhood is easier. So finding a way to maintain that balance between motherhood and those other parts of ones’ self can be an important part of thriving in motherhood.
Satisfaction in the relationship with a partner is also an indicator of a better adjustment to motherhood. Interestingly, there was no found difference in motherhood satisfaction between women who were married to their partners, and those who weren’t.
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Open up to your partner
“Have a real conversation with your spouse about any anxiety or sadness that’s coming up,” advises Dr. Louis. She says it’s important that the spouse is willing to both listen and find a way that the two of them can make room for those other elements of themselves (social life, travel, etc.) in this new transition.
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A blow to your sex life
There can be “A decline in physical intimacy,” says Dr. Louis. “A lot of couples, when they’re transitioning into parenthood, they’re shocked that they’re not having sex. In the first trimester, the pregnant person can be getting sick a lot, or is not in the mood… In a number of cases, infidelity happens.” Research has found that there is an increase in risk for infidelity, during pregnancy.
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How to maintain intimacy
Dr. Louis recommends scheduling sex. “A lot of couples are resistant at first,” she says, “But then they find it helpful. They want it to be spontaneous at first. But when they schedule it, there’s this added benefit of, they shaved their legs. They bathed…You do all the things you normally did when you were dating, and you knew you had a date on Friday. You put in that extra effort.”
Research finds that caring for our physical appearance is a predictor of the success of long-term romantic relationships. That little extra motivation (scheduled sex) to attend to your appearance can do your marriage more good than you know.
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It can be fun
When couples schedule sex, “They get excited anticipating the sex,” says Dr. Louis. “It’s helpful especially for couples who have really busy lives. Especially couples that have other kids, and now they’re pregnant again. Now they’re balancing this pregnancy and taking care of the other things.”
One survey found that nearly half of parents report a decrease in the quality of their sex life after having kids and a big reduction in the frequency. But scheduling that time so you can be focused on each other might combat that. “Scheduling also relieves the fear of initiating and it not going well. When you schedule it, you’re both prepared for it.”
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Managing family involvement
“As for family pressure, families have certain traditions of how things go. In some families, one parent will visit as the pregnant couple is nesting,” says Dr. Louis. “It’s important couples talk to one another about what they want. [Ask] ‘What are traditions that were part of our family history that we don’t necessarily want for our family?’” Setting those boundaries is important, but will look different for every family. Some couples may choose to have the grandparents move in (African American families are more likely to do this than other groups). While others may want space. Discuss what that involvement will look like with your partner.
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If it’s your parent, you deal with it
When navigating grandparent involvement, Dr. Louis says. “I really recommend that whoever is the person’s family member, that person sets the boundary. If it’s my mom, I set the boundary with my mom. If it’s your mom, you set the limit with your mom. The relationship equity is there with that person, so they can feel more comfortable if feelings are hurt…you’re able to recover much more easily than if it’s the other person [your partner, setting the boundary].”
