Would You Schedule Sex To Improve Your Marriage?
I always thought that the lack of sex in marriage was a myth. I assumed that on my favorite TV shows, the fictional husbands’ constant and unsuccessful attempts at sex with his wife were simply for laughs. It wasn’t until I heard of real–life couples (happily wedded and in their early 30s) not having sex for up to eight months or longer that I realized a waning sex life is more common than I thought.
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Unfortunately, these couples are larger in number than most would think. According to a Kinsey Institute Report from 2010, 22 percent of married women between the ages of 50 and 59 at one point did not have sex at all in one year, and 20.6 percent of married men who were in the same age group stated that they were in a sexless marriage.
I often wondered about the reasons for a sexless relationship. How could a person just stop having sex after saying “I do”? Do they lose their sexual appetite? Or are they just bored in the bedroom?
It wasn’t until I got hitched that I started to empathize. The periods that my husband and I weren’t as sexually active were some of our busier times, which included a new baby, increased work hours and overdue household chores. It was during those times that penciling in sex on our inundated calendars crossed my mind. However, I somehow felt weird about it as I thought sex should always be spontaneous.
Dean of the Institute for Advanced Studies of Human Sexuality, Janice Epp, Ph.D., told the Huffington Post in the previously mentioned article that it’s important for couples to have intimate time together, whether it involves sex or not. She recommends “connecting dates” as a way to keep passion alive. And although I appreciate Epp’s suggestions, I have to disagree with her statements about having intimate time with or without sex. It’s true that intimacy doesn’t automatically have to include sex as it can be defined as “close personal relations” or “involving warm friendship.” Date nights are one thing, but a married couple making time to actually have sex is another, and it’s vital to maintaining a healthy, passionate relationship.
Amy Muise, a social psychologist and postdoctoral fellow at the University of Toronto-Mississauga, studied the correlation between happiness and the frequency of sex in more than 30,000 people in a study published in 2015. Muise found that having sex once a week seemed to be deemed as having regular sexual intimacy. The results were the same across various ages, length of relationships and gender, and they even showed that frequent sex ranked higher than wealth in terms of importance.
Even though implementing sex on a regular basis can be challenging, it’s clear the benefits are well worth it.
Sex can help you sleep better, reduce your risk of cancer and help you burn calories. Not only can sex also help you reduce stress, but it can also enhance the communication between you and your spouse. The act of sex is so personal and even though it can create a space of vulnerability, over time it can open the door for being more open to discussing your sexual desires and dislikes.
Although my husband and I have yet to subscribe to a set timetable, people have shared their experiences in scheduling sex and say it can save your marriage. Sexual needs are met, both parties end up on the same page when it comes to understanding, and it eliminates the resentment that was once there.
You make time for haircuts, nail appointments and even the premiere of Insecure. Since those things are not nearly as important as your union, you have no excuse not to make sex a priority. Boosting the connection between you and your spouse and obtaining much–needed alone time are added benefits to having a consistent sex life. In fact, you don’t have to choose certain days of the week to have sex, but deciding on a minimum amount per week is a great start. After all, you don’t want your marriage to fall into a statistical group, and trust me, your body will thank you.