True confession: my partner and I just finally had sex for the first time in over two months this week. The last time before that was just about a week before businesses slowly began to close down due to COVID-19. But after that, all of the emotions and meltdowns that can come with this pandemic took over us. There wasn’t a day in two months that having sex ever felt right.
You may have some friends who are telling you that they’re having more sex than ever with their partners because it’s how they pass the time. Or, maybe they’re the type of people for whom negative emotions like sadness and fear makes them horny—you know, like people who always find someone to get it on with after a funeral. I’ve personally never really understood that. I need to be in a good headspace and a solid emotional state to even consider having sex.
Maybe you’re like me, and need to feel emotionally sound to feel aroused. And yet, you thought you felt well enough throughout this pandemic to be in the mood. And so you’re surprised that you haven’t been. But it can be way more complex than just feeling happy or sad right now. Here are reasons you may have no libido during this pandemic.
You aren’t having lively conversation
You and your partner used to go off and have your separate, interesting days. You had work. You had your hobbies. You went to the gym. You visited friends. You had your things that you did, and then, when you got home at night, you shared all about your day. You told each other fun stories. You brought something new and interesting to the table for conversation, and it made you both excited, giddy, and feeling bonded. But now, you both had the exact same day. In the house. Nothing new to report. It just doesn’t stimulate you.
You don’t feel accomplished
You need to feel good about yourself to want to be aroused, perhaps. Like you want to feel that you’re kicking *ss at work. You want to feel like you’re doing great things in your career. You kind of want to feel that sex, or anything pleasurable, really, is something you earned after a hard day’s work. But you aren’t really capable of moving things forward in your career much right now. Though there are some things you can do, but not as much as you’d like.
Where’s the date night?
You used to have sex on date night. It gave you a chance to get dressed up and look good for each other. You’d be flirty. You’d put your troubles away for the evening and just have fun – lighten up a little. You’d go somewhere cute with sexy ambiance. Now, you don’t really have date night. You can try to make date night at home, but you’re still getting used to not going out.
You actually fear feeling so good
You worry about allowing yourself to feel so good – so high and ecstatic – as sex makes you feel, because the comedown will be very hard right now. Returning to normal life after an orgasm, right now, means returning to the realities of this pandemic. Of being stuck inside. Of financial worries, maybe. That comedown can be too much to handle. So you’d rather stay at a neutral place.
You don’t feel hopeful
Some people need to feel hopeful about…everything and anything in order to be in the mood. Some people need to feel that life is full of possibilities, and that tomorrow could bring anything – it could be full of surprises – in order to feel happy enough to have sex. Naturally, right now, we mostly know that tomorrow won’t be full of surprises.
You’ve had no space
Distance makes the heart grow fonder and you’ve had no distance. Maybe you used to enjoy being away from each other, so you could miss each other, maybe send sexy texts (so long as you’re good at that) and build up that anticipation throughout the day. But now, you’re not apart ever. So there is not room to build anticipation.
You don’t feel attractive
There could be many, many reasons you don’t feel attractive right now. Maybe you don’t have access to the usual services and facilities that help you feel your best, like the gym or hair salon. Maybe you feel best when you get dressed up, and you have no reason to do that. But it’s normal to want to feel physically attractive in order to feel in the mood.
You are too worried
Many of us don’t realize that we are worried because we aren’t worried about one, targeted thing. We don’t even know what we’re worried about. There are just so many possibilities for what the future might bring. They could be bad, terrible, fine, or great. We just don’t know. But since things are so uncertain, we have general and untargeted worry, and that can kill libido.
And you are too sad
Many of us also don’t realize that we are deeply sad right now. Perhaps you’re fortunate and nothing bad has happened to someone you know personally throughout this pandemic. But every day, you are met with some of the saddest stories from around the world – stories of people who lost their lives or who struggle to afford food. These stories are deep in our subconscious now, and we may just be too sad to have sex.
The future is uncertain
The truth is that the future is always uncertain. We have always had very little if any control over the future. But, the semblance of control was important to us. Some belief that we could rely on the future going a certain way – that vacation next month, that work retreat in the fall – kept us feeling calm. And now we have no semblance of having any control over the future. It can make our entire body so unsettled that we simply can’t relax enough for sex.
You’re never far from a meltdown
In my relationship, we have a rule that we don’t have sex within 24 hours of somebody crying. It just feels…wrong. We want to feel that everyone has been very strong and happy in the time leading up to physical intimacy. Maybe you have a similar rule in your relationship, even if it’s unspoken. But right now, at any given time, there is a good chance one of us had a meltdown in the recent day or two. So, that puts crying too close to sex.
You’re getting lazier
Have you ever noticed how, the more you do, the more energy you have? That’s why they say you should give jobs to busy people – they get them done! Right now, you don’t have much to do. You don’t have anywhere to go. You may be so physically inactive that your body has just become too lazy for sex.
You have no social life
Women in particular need to socialize in order to feel happy and fulfilled. And right now, we have no social life. You know how you come back feeling frisky after girls’ night. Well, now there is no girls’ night. It’s just you and your partner all of the time in the home. That can be bad for a women’s sense of self.
You’re afraid of pregnancy
Hey, this is no joke. A lot of couples just aren’t having sex right now because they don’t even want to possibly run the slightest risk of getting pregnant. Even couples who once wanted kids are rethinking it now. They don’t want to bring a baby into this world.