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losing identity in marriage

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People don’t always change once they’re married. That isn’t necessarily the case 100 percent of the time. So I don’t like it when people joke that, now that their friend is married, they’ll never see her again. Or say things like, “There goes her social life” when a friend ties the knot. Marriage can be a wonderful thing. In the right union, two people can continue to flourish as individuals, while also strengthening their bond. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. In fact, if it’s only the latter (strengthening the bond), and never the former (flourishing as an individual) that is called codependency. And that’s not a strong bond at all—that’s something else. Like an illness.

 

But, the cliché exists for a reason—it does happen often. I’ve lost a few friends to their marriages. There was such an obvious drop-off in our social interactions after they got married, I was the only one trying to initiate plans, I always had to work around their schedule with their husbands, and I just got tired of putting in way more work than they were to keep this friendship alive. I understand, of course, that their spouses are their number one, but for some, it seemed like their spouses were also numbers two through 10. There was no room left for friendship or individuality.

 

That’s kind of scary, right? Nobody wants to lose their identity when they get married. But, if you are going to maintain your individuality, you have to work hard. You have to be aware, because marriage can try to consume you. That’s just the nature of being committed to someone and building a life with someone. It’s also a recipe for depression and relationship dissatisfaction. Here is the fast track to losing your identity in a marriage.

via GIPHY

Only having other married friends

Keep that friend group diverse! You don’t just need lots of married friends. They’ll share the same kinds of stories you have and make you feel very insulated from your non-married friends. Yes, having couples friends is convenient, but having single friends is good for your soul. So even if it means stepping away from your beau for the night, do it to see your single friends.

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