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If you called it quits with the man you were planning to marry, would you want to watch a video of their emotional proposal to you and relive that experience?

Probably not.

However, that didn’t stop VH1 from having Cyn Santana, who was promoting Season 10 of Love and Hip Hop: New York (which returns today), watch ex Joe Budden’s proposal to her, which aired during Season 9 and was literally just a year ago ahead of Christmas.

As the clip aired, she was a good sport about the whole thing initially, recalling what she was thinking in each moment leading up to when he would take the stage in a suit and ask for her hand in front of a sold-out crowd. Once that moment came, and a montage of their relationship moments from the show played back, she couldn’t hide her emotions. “I’m not gon cry. I can’t because my makeup is too cute,” she said. Eventually though, she got up and walked away in tears.

A producer consoled her off-camera. Her microphone was still on, so you could hear her breaking down.

“It’s so hard,” she said. I really wanted my family.”

When the producer told her she could still work to save her family, Santana gave the impression that it was too late.

“It’s not the same.”

She eventually came back to her seat in front of the camera and was able to make light of her very emotional moment.

“Major fail trying to be strong,” she said, laughing. “It’s always emotional when you think about time and how it just goes by. It’s been a year since this. You know, that was a very special and beautiful moment for me. I’m sad and disappointed and it’s just hard. It’s hard when you really want things to work and they’re just not working I guess on your time or according to your plan.”

However, Santana is optimistic, relying on her faith and the belief that God has good things planned for her future.

“I got faith and hope for days and years in life,” she said. “At the end of day, that’s the father of my son and family is super important to me. It’s different now. It’s very different, but I have faith in the man upstairs. It’s going to be what God say, but it is hard when we have something planned in our head. I literally had my whole life planned. Big mistake. Don’t plan, people. God plans for you.”

While looking back at her proposal makes her sad, Santana shared back in October on Brunch with Tiffany that ending her engagement with Budden helped her find peace.

“We didn’t decide on anything. I did what was best for my mental health, my peace and for me and my son, you know what I mean? It was a decision that I had to make on my own. This wasn’t a unison thing,” she said. “How can I keep this very sweet? Basically, let’s just say that I’m probably the happiest I’ve ever been and that was probably the best decision that I’ve made in my entire life. In the 26 years I have of living on this earth, the best decision I made was leaving that relationship. And my son and I are amazing.”



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