So you suspect that your partner is cheating, or, if not cheating, at least participating in some form of disloyalty. Maybe it’s just sending and receiving naughty photos with another woman, or engaging in some flirtatious messages. Maybe you think he’s still on some dating apps. You just sense something is up. Then, this silly man leaves his phone sitting around, ready for the inspecting. You know what his password is. You’ve slowly gathered it over the weeks, peeking over as he punches in the first number one day, and the second number another day. And the phone is such a wealth of information since it just keeps you logged into your email and social media accounts. Not to mention the text messages. You think, “I don’t want to be made a fool of. If I just go through his phone, I’ll prove my theory!” Sounds tempting, right? But, don’t do it. Here are reasons you shouldn’t go through your partner’s phone, even if you suspect something.
If you find nothing, you’re the only dishonest one
So, here’s the thing, if you go through his phone and find nothing, then you’re the dishonest one. You’re the one with the dirty secret. You betrayed his trust. You won’t get that feeling of being justified you were hoping for (although, you would’ve been in pain if you were right, too). You’ll just feel extreme guilt now because you have the secret—you went through his phone.
And he’ll never trust you again
So, you can either live with this guilt that will probably cause you a stomach ulcer or tell him what you did. And if you do tell him, he’ll never trust you again. He’ll take his phone with him when he leaves the room. He’ll change his passwords. And, you can’t even be mad about it. This is just your punishment for misbehaving.
If something’s going on, you’ll learn either way
The reality is that if he is being unfaithful, you’ll likely find out either way. Somebody will tell you. Somebody will spot them. He’ll tell you because he wants out of this relationship anyways. Or she’ll reach out. Or he’ll leave some evidence out that is so blatantly incriminating, like her underwear, there’s no avoiding it. The truth has a way of coming out, without you having to hunt it down.
You should be focusing on how you feel
The real question is why do you suspect something? Is it because he seems distant? Distracted? Cold? If not—if he’s been nothing but loving, devoted, and attentive—then it begs the question: do you just have paranoia and jealousy issues? No amount of going through a phone can fix that, and your partner shouldn’t pay for your unresolved issues.
If you don’t feel loved, why are you in this?
Now, if you do have reason to suspect something because your partner has been a bad partner, then shouldn’t that be reason enough to bring up your concerns to him? Should you have to have some proof of something out of his phone just to say, “You haven’t been meeting my needs?” Probably not.
It indicates a total breakdown of communication
So to that last point, if you have to rely on some physical evidence of his misdoings just to tell him you’re unhappy, then the communication has already broken down a tremendous amount in this relationship. Hopefully, if your partner loved you, you could just say, “You haven’t been meeting my needs” and that’d be enough for him to want to work on things.
You may misinterpret what you see
If you do go through his phone, you may not even know what you’re looking at. For all you know, all of those sweet, affectionate texts that say things like, “I can’t wait to see you!” and “I can’t wait to hug you!” are to a cousin or old childhood friend coming into town. Perhaps some woman sent him unsolicited messages, and he plans on having a serious talk with her about that. You may find things that aren’t so cut and dry.
He can ask to go through yours
Now that you’ve gone through his, if he knows it, then he can ask to go through yours. You’d better make sure your sh*t is flawless. You better not even have one flirty text from another man that you responded to in any kind manner. The standards of loyalty to which he’ll hold you will be ten times as aggressive as the standards you had for him because you already betrayed his trust by going through his phone.
You create an air of distrust
In general, you create an air of distrust within this relationship. Neither of you ever knows if the other is being honest when they say they’re “going for a walk” or “meeting a friend” or “talking to a sibling.”
If he allows it, you won’t feel good
Now, if your partner, out of some extreme sympathy for your obvious paranoid complex, allows you to go through his messages, you’ll feel disgusting. It won’t bring you the satisfaction you thought it would. You’ll feel guilty. You know now he did nothing wrong, and he’s just letting you subject him to this disrespect to satisfy your issues.
It may not stop at the phone
Bear in mind that if someone really wants to cheat, he’ll probably find ways to get away with it. He could have secret email accounts you know nothing about, or only exchange his flirty messages from his work computer at the office you don’t visit. He may have a burner phone. Do you see how quickly paranoia turns into a bottomless pit that is never satisfied?
What happens when you tell future partners?
What happens if future partners find out this is the reason your last relationship ended? And, they may find out. Perhaps not through you, but from your ex himself, reaching out to “warn” them. It’s like a black mark on your reputation.
Also, it can become addicting
Once you go through one partner’s phone, where does it end? If you get away with it, you may feel that it’s no big deal, and go through future partner’s phones. You just won’t know when to stop.
It starts with the phone
Once you broach paranoia territory, it’s a slippery slope. Next, you’ll follow him. Then, you’ll create a fake social media account as another woman, and reach out to him to flirt, just to see how he responds!
You’ll always be that crazy ex
You’ll know it, in your gut, that you did this unforgivable thing. Even if nobody ever finds out, you’ll always feel a little disgusted with yourself. The negative feelings that come with going through his phone will far outweigh any satisfaction you get from finding something.