I don’t think men would actually find much to complain about if they are getting to have sex with you, but for some reason women have all of these insecurities about the things a new partner might notice and criticize. But it is only natural. When you first start dating someone, you don’t have that open communication you have later in a relationship, when you can lovingly tease each other for the sounds that you make or the things that you do in bed, and in general. That is the most frightening thing about having a new sexual partner. It is not that you might do something embarrassing, but rather that he won’t be comfortable enough to tell you. So he will silently suffer through it, and you’ll be unknowingly doing something that is apparently embarrassing. I’m so happy to be at a place with my partner when I can just tell him that he needs to wash his privates before we have sex, because he is stinky. And I am glad that he has told me that my pubes get a little sharp if I haven’t shaved in a week. We just laugh it off. But a new partner usually won’t tell you these things. In fact, if he did, wouldn’t you think he was a jerk? You don’t have that long history to know he is actually a good guy. Here are insecurities we all have with a new sexual partner.
Whether or not I orgasm
I know men can be sensitive about this. But let’s be honest, if a man does not know your body very well, he probably won’t make you orgasm. But I feel pressured to pretend that I do with a new partner. And I feel like he knows I am lying. With my long-term partner, I can just tell them I didn’t finish yet. So we are finished here.
I don’t know who this guy’s been with. For all I know, he has been with adult film stars who are masterminds at blowjobs. I don’t know how much pressure he likes or doesn’t like. If I get teeth involved, I don’t necessarily know it, and I don’t know if he is going to be bold enough to tell me. It’s all guesswork.
What about kissing after BJs?
Some men are grossed out by having a woman kissed them on the mouth after going down on. Honestly, I think those men are very immature. But, I know they exist. I am never quite sure where a guy stands on that when we first get together. It usually becomes clear over time, like if he jerks his head away if I try kissing him after oral.
What if I queef?
Look, queefs happen. Men will need to get over it. But, you don’t really want it to happen the first time you have sex with someone new. We all sort of wish the first time was some perfect, seamless experience the way it looks in the movies. Though we never want to queef, I would save fears around it are higher with a brand new sexual partner
How I taste
You know, down there. I do my best to keep it fresh down there, but he could be comparing me to past partners. For all I know they shoved pieces of pineapple or mint in their vagina before sex. Okay, Okay, I know this isn’t true, but these are just some of the strange thoughts we can have with a new sexual partner.
I don’t really know what is considered normal landscaping down there. I shave everything in the front. Some women have told me that’s bizarre, because they leave a small strip of hair. When I say I shave everything, I should mention I don’t shave my back door area. Maybe the man I’m sleeping with has only been with women who do that and thinks I’m gross. I don’t know!
I personally like vanilla flavored edible lubricant. But for all I know, a new sexual partner may not be used to even using lubricant with women. Remember some men just use it on themselves. Or, he may not want to eat lubricant off of me. Or he may find it insulting that I need vanilla flavored lubricant to go down on him. To me, it is the most normal thing to use in the world. But everyone has different thoughts on lubricant.
For some reason, I have this idea that every other woman is a gymnast in bed, hanging from the rafters and putting her feet behind her head. I have, like, three positions I can comfortably do. I hope that doesn’t bore new sexual partners.
I don’t even know what sexual sounds I make. If I’m having good sex, I am so in the moment that I tune out all the noises. But, if I think about it, I do hear the noises my partner makes—just not my own. That probably means he hears my noises. Where do I fall? Would men describe me as sounding like a dying cat during sex? Or awkwardly quiet?
My boyfriend had to tell me on one very hot summer day that my lady parts were getting smelly. I didn’t know. I was just used to it at that time. Thank goodness he told me. I wasn’t even mortified about the smell. I was mortified that he was walking around holding onto that information. It’s scary to think that people I slept with once noticed it and said nothing.
How I look naked
I don’t think I am dishonest in the way I dress myself, but I do wear padded bras sometimes, and jeans that lift my butt. I appreciate Spanx from time to time. But, when a man sees me naked, does he wonder where this pancake butt and B-cup boobs came from?
What if it wasn’t great?
I personally believe that sex is rarely great the first time with a new partner. In fact, my sex with my partner has only gotten better over the years. But I do fear that some people believe if you are right for someone, the sex will be explosive the first time. Thank goodness I don’t believe that and my partner doesn’t believe that because sex the first time with us was awkward. But when I was single and dating, and slept with a guy who never called again, I wondered if it was because he didn’t think the sex was great, and thought it never would be.
Let’s not forget about that awkward moment after sex. Are you sleeping over? Is he sleeping over? I personally do not sleep a wink the first night in a new place. Even if I like a guy, I would rather go home. But I know that sends the wrong message. On the flipside, if a guy leaves my place, that sends me a bad message. But maybe he just wants to sleep in his own bed, and really likes me.
You know the part where you do some weird crab walk to the bathroom so you don’t spill certain fluids on the floor. That is so awkward when you first start seeing someone. Now, in a long-term relationship, I just yell at my partner, “Grab some towels and clean me up. You did this!”
If your guy has roommates, you know they know you were in there having sex with him that first time, because you were still there in the morning. You know that they were talking about it after you left. I hate all of that. When I had been with my guy for a while, but we still didn’t live together, I love being able to say to his roommates, “We are going to have sex. Don’t bother us.” I was taking control of the conversation around it.