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They hide among us, they look, sound, and act just like us, and they’re nearly impossible to spot until they’re right up on you: I’m talking about swingers, of course. Swinging is an interesting lifestyle that couples turn to for a variety of reasons. I try not to judge it, but perhaps I’m a little critical of it. I guess I’ve never quite understood the appeal of it—why not just be single? If you don’t want to be with one person? Well, anyways, I’ve hypothesized about swingers in other posts, but this one is about this awkward situation: when your friends are swingers, and they want to swing with you. It’s not completely shocking that swingers would look to their friends as potential partners. There’s already obviously some form of chemistry there. I’ve also found that swingers tend to believe there are more of them out there than there are, and often think if another couple is warm and affectionate, that they’d be open to the idea. I’ve had another couple approach me about swinging and here’s what happened.


The guy was flirtatious and I felt guilty

First, the other man in the relationship was blatantly flirtatious with me. He’d say things to me that I certainly hoped my boyfriend would never say to another woman. I started to fear he wanted to cheat on his girlfriend with me, which I talked to my boyfriend about in private.


But he’d flirt in front of her

While I was originally worried the guy was trying to cheat with me, that fear subsided when he flirted with me in front of his partner. She didn’t seem to mind at all. So then I was just thinking, “Is this poor woman oblivious? Or does she just tolerate this?”


Then they both flirted

It became clear that the other woman wasn’t a victim or an innocent bystander in anyway when she participated in the flirting. She’d agree with the things her partner said to me, and she’d also touch me in a flirtatious manner. Okay, so, these two want a threesome—is what I thought—but how can they think my man would be okay with that?


The woman is often approached first

What I have learned about many swingers is that they approach the female in the other relationship, first. If the swinging woman had just started hitting on my man I would have, obviously, had my claws come out and felt like this was so disrespectful. People can generally get away with being a little more affectionate with women without it coming off as totally disrespectful to her male partner. So, they were feeling me out first.


They kept wanting to after-party

If we’d be at events with them that were clearly winding down, they wanted to keep the party going. We had been at a wedding all day with them, the reception hall had closed, everyone had gone home, and they kept encouraging the four of us to find an after-hours place and keep drinking. I kind of felt like, “What’s the point? The party is clearly over. We did what we came here to do—to attend a wedding.”


And they wanted to include substances

I won’t say which ones, but I will say that this couple kept asking my boyfriend and I if we’d ever tried certain illicit substances. We hadn’t, so then they started pretty much selling us on them, telling us it’s the best experience ever, and how they really make you open up and feel very comfortable in your body. I started to realize, “Ooooh. Those are orgy drugs.”


So, we figured it out

Eventually my boyfriend and I figured out that this couple was trying to swing with us. In fact, a friend confirmed that they are swingers. Now, we were in a predicament. They are actually our friends—we’d had many dinners with them and spent a lot of time with them platonically. So, we couldn’t just seamlessly phase them out—nor did we necessarily want to.


How do you turn down your friends?

If you think it’s tough, as a single woman, telling your male friend you don’t have the same feelings for him that he has for you, try telling another couple, as a couple, that you just want to remain friends.


My partner was like, “Should I be mad?”

Naturally, my man’s biological male jealousy instinct was triggered. He couldn’t help but think, “Am I supposed to be mad? Is my buddy hitting on my girlfriend?” It’s funny to not be sure if you’re supposed to be mad. But he wasn’t because, well, his buddy was also offering his girlfriend in return. But we aren’t swingers—we don’t necessarily abide by their laws. My boyfriend was a little mad.


We had our funny tiff

My boyfriend and I had a really funny argument in which we were trying to sniff out if either of us would swing. In an attempt to sound totally cool with my friends’ lifestyle, I accidentally sounded like I wanted to participate. “I don’t see anything wrong with it. It works for some people!” is what I said. But what my partner heard was, “I want to swing!”


Then he wanted to be cool, too

So, my partner, thinking I was may be game, didn’t want to fall behind, and said, “Yeah, swinging works for some people. I guess you never know until you try.” He was totally just trying to be “cool” if it’s what I wanted to do, but he didn’t want to do it at all. I also didn’t want to do it, but then it sounded like he did so I got upset. It was quite a comedy of errors, but we eventually both discovered we do not want to swing. So that was that.


We decided to be cool

Eventually, we decided to be cool. We shouldn’t be judgmental. Whatever works for them, works for them. We also shouldn’t give them the cold shoulder, just because we don’t have the same agenda. And, we didn’t want to come off as uptight or closed-minded, so we decided not to behave any differently.


It turns out that we had to behave differently

Just like a man who wants to sleep with you won’t take no for an answer unless he hears the word, “NO,” a swinging couple kind of doesn’t give up unless you make things very clear. Continuing to be warm and friendly, after the realization they were trying to swing, seemed to make the other couple think we were more receptive than ever to swinging.


So, we had to be a little cold

It made me sad, since we did like this couple, but we had to keep our distance for a while. They’d never straight up asked, “Will you sleep with us?” but, in so many ways, they had tried. Being nice wasn’t sending the message, so we had to turn down their invites to hang out for a long time, and keep our distance if they were at the same parties as us.


Things have stabilized

The other couple seems to have gotten the hint, since we turned down so many invitations to hang out. Honestly, it kind of went the way it goes when one of your male buddies tries subtly to sleep with you, you turn him down, and then you take some space. Eventually, enough time passes that, next time you run into each other at a party, they’ve found someone new to sleep with, and you actually just miss the friendship so you start hanging out again.

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