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I’ve already written on the fact that the love of my life—as is or will be the love of your life—is really just a hybrid of the best traits of all my exes, minus the bad stuff. But there’s one trait that I didn’t mention because, well, it’s kind of true of all men and not just my romantic partners: the way he behaves at restaurants. Every man I’ve ever had a relationship with or even just gone on one date with has exhibited rather similar habits in restaurants. I don’t feel like how to behave at restaurants makes it into the general conversation when men talk, but there must be other elements of male culture that wind up affecting this part of a man’s life. Like clockwork, I can usually predict which of my restaurant behaviors will annoy a man, and how he’ll respond to certain situations. Here is how men versus women behave in restaurants.
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Women ask questions
“Is there a lot of sauce on this?” “Do you think I’d like this?” “What is better—the fish or the pasta?” We’ll start a dialogue with our server about the menu. This typically makes our dates roll their eyes and even apologize to the server for our constant questioning.
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Men hardly read the menu
My boyfriend, my dad, and my male friends do the same thing—they open the menu, take one glance, and then just declare, “I’ll have the ribs/chicken/lasagna.” I ask, “You don’t want to try the shrimp/risotto/ soup?” and they’ll say, “Oh. I didn’t see that.” Men just don’t seem to read the menu.
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Women make changes
Women will make adjustments and ask for substitutions. Dressing on the side, gluten-free bun, steamed veggies instead of mashed potatoes etc. Hey, we’re paying extra money to get exactly what we want, without having to cook. We don’t think these adjustments are that troublesome.
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Men stubbornly won’t
Men will stubbornly leave the item exactly how it is on the menu, even if they know one ingredient will give them a terrible stomachache. Apparently to be “manly” means to stoically eat cheese even though you’re lactose intolerant.
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Women are concerned with portions
Women will ask, “Is this dish too big for one person?” or “If I’m not that hungry, will this be too much food?” We don’t only ask about what’s in the food but how much food we’ll be receiving.
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Men say, “Bring it on”
Men seem to be part of some challenge to eat so much that they feel sick and can’t move for hours. I’ve never heard a man ask if a dish will be too much food. Nor do I notice men taking home many leftovers. They are apparently compelled to finish every bite in the restaurant.
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Women want to order several small things
I don’t know why, but we want every meal to be a little buffet. We’d like to order several small things so we can try a lot of different foods. Or, we’d love to order family style for the table so everyone can split various items.
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Men want one large thing
Juggling a few dishes seems to overwhelm men. They want to order one large thing, and that’s it. If their date wants to add some appetizers, she’s on her own.
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Women want to swap bites
I don’t know a couple who hasn’t had this argument: a woman wants to swap bites, but her partner says, “If you wanted this then you should have ordered this.” We just like to share the experience!
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Men stick to their plate
My boyfriend has never tried a bite of my food. Never. Even if he says, “that looks amazing” or “That smells so good,” he’ll still turn me down when I offer him a bite.
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Women want dessert
Since we have been paying attention to portions, we saved room for dessert. And you know we love to try as many things as possible and share plates, so we want to split dessert with our date.
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Men didn’t save room
Men don’t save room for dessert. They stubbornly finished every bite of their massive entrée and just want to go to sleep.
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Women love ambiance
What can I say—we’re suckers for ambiance. But if I am going to leave my home and spend a little money, I’d like to experience an environment that’s unique and lovely. So, yes, we’ll turn down the place that allegedly has the best burritos in town if the décor is sad and tired.
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Men focus on the upcharge
Some men notice ambiance, but all men seem to notice the slight upcharge that comes with the ambiance. It doesn’t seem to be worth it to them to buy an $18 plate of pasta in a gorgeous place when the depressing place next door sells the same food for $12.
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Women consider the days’ meals
When choosing what to order, women take all the other meals they’ve had that day into account. If they had salad at lunch, they’re ready to splurge. If they had red meat at lunch, they’re going with the fish or chicken.
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Men order what sounds best
Men tend to order in a vacuum, disregarding what the other meals of the day have been. Whatever looks good right then is what they’re ordering.
