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being a bridesmaid in a wedding

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It’s hard enough when a good friend dates someone you can’t stand—what about when she marries him? Or even better (or worse) when she asks you to be a bridesmaid? You and the other single ladies tried to advise her—you dropped subtle hints that this guy is just not right—but she’s still moving forward with this relationship. She’s moving right towards the aisle, legal contracts, and the whole thing. And now, here she is, giving you some cute trinket she’s put in a lovely box, as a gesture to go along with the note asking, “Be my bridesmaid?” And she’s grinning ear to ear. You’ve reached a point where you realize you either get to have this friend with the questionable husband and all, or you don’t get to have her at all. So, you accept because, well, you’ve considered all there is to consider and you know it’s the best option. Here’s what it will be like being a bridesmaid in a wedding of which you don’t approve.

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You fake joy when you’re asked

When she asks, you have to do the greatest impromptu acting job of your life. You could win an Oscar for it. You have to pretend to be so honored and so thrilled. In reality, you’d like to pretend you didn’t hear her and then fake a heart attack to get out of it.

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You call your tears “tears of joy”

You cry because, well, your friend is marrying someone you don’t like and you have to go through the misery and hard work of planning the wedding with her. But you tell her they’re “Tears of joy!”

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When she complains about him

Throughout the wedding planning process, she’ll get into tiffs with her groom, and call you to complain. You find new, creative ways to suggest she break off the engagement, without straight up saying it.

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You veto every venue/vendor/dress

You find a problem with every single venue, florist, caterer, and dress which she presents you. It’s your little, subtle way of protesting the wedding. Maybe if she can’t find a dress she just…won’t get married?

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You suggest she postpone the date

Any time she says planning a wedding is stressful (which she’ll say a lot) you suggest she just postpone it a year or five years.

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You really don’t want to give a speech

You really, really hope she doesn’t ask you to give a speech. You’re not so great a liar that you can gush about this man and make it seem real. But she does ask you to give a speech.

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But you must, so you take digs at him

You take this opportunity to take a few digs at the groom—you know, something about his weight, drinking, or promiscuous past.

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Okay, you edit the digs

You realize that you need to remove (or soften) the digs. What are you expecting? Everyone will agree with you and protest the wedding at the reception? No. You’ll just make things weird.

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Picking out the grooms gift

When the bride wants your advice on what to get her groom as a wedding gift, you try to steer her towards some terrible things you know he won’t like.

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Spending money on it angers you

Having to spend money on…your bridesmaids dress, ticket to the destination, the bridal shower and so on makes you very angry. It’s already hard to pay for those things when you do support the wedding.

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You tempt her during the bachelorette

You try to shove hot men onto her during the bachelorette party. You suggest she have one more fling before the ring—wink wink—but you’re not really kidding.

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You create an impossible questionnaire

You know that game you play at the bridal shower, where you send the groom a list of questions about the bride and visa versa? And you match their answers to see how well they know each other? You make the questions impossible, so the couple questions how well they know each other.

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When relatives say, “Isn’t he great?!”

You have to tolerate friends and relatives saying to you, constantly, “Don’t you just love the groom?!” And you have to smile and pretend you do.

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When the groom calls you for advice

When the groom calls you for advice on how to handle some element of the wedding planning, you want to lead him astray so that he gets in trouble.

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You worry they’ll see it in the photos

You fear that when the couple looks at their wedding photos, it will be very clear from your expression that you didn’t want to be there.

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