How Women Can Be Hard On Their Friends

October 4, 2018  |  
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female friendship dynamics

Gettyimages.com/Sad girl being comforted by her friends

Sometimes I think women can be a bit more demanding of their friends than men are. I feel like I never really hear my boyfriend talk about being upset with a friend. Maybe every two years he’ll mention being a little disappointed in a friend. But then, he’ll tell me the next day he’s hanging with that friend. When he gets home from that hangout, I presume the two men would have discussed what my boyfriend was upset about. That’s what women do. But nope—he says they’re all good now. They just are. Without discussion. What?! I don’t understand that. But I guess that’s a part of how women are just more particular about female friendships. We have more rigid guidelines on how friends need to behave—towards us and towards others. I mean, I had one ex who had friends that were just basketball friends. He only saw them for basketball. That makes no sense to me. But maybe there’s beauty in that simplicity. Here is how women can be hard on their friends.

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We have to love your boyfriend

If the whole crew doesn’t love one woman’s boyfriend, she’s going to hear about it. We’re going to get together and discuss. What will we do about this? What do we say to her? It has to be addressed. I think men just let their friends date and marry whomever and don’t really say anything unless their friend states he is unhappy. Not women. It’s hard on us if a friend marries someone we don’t like.

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Don’t ditch us for your boyfriend

We are acutely aware of how much less time you spend with us once you’re in a relationship. We aren’t always understanding of the fact that being in a romantic relationships means you’re going to attend a few less Sunday brunches with the girls.

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Oh, you ladies had lunch without me

We do not like to hear that some of the crew went to lunch and didn’t invite the entire crew. My boyfriend often pairs off with just one or two guys from his crew, and they don’t have to explain themselves to the rest of the group.

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We can let anger accumulate

I have to admit that I’m guilty of this: I don’t say, in the moment, when something upsets me. I wait for a pattern to develop, and then I t-off on my friend, listing all the times she did this bad thing. I probably should have just told her the first time.

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Oh, you ladies went on a trip without me

Like I said, we’re all about inclusiveness so if a girls’ trip happens with only some of the girls, well, let’s just say there will be hell to pay. Not really but, the friends who weren’t invited can have their feelings hurt.

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You have to ask us what’s going on

“She didn’t ask me how my new job is going” or “She didn’t ask me how I’ve been since the breakup” are things that…I’ve said…and that I’ve heard other women say. Sometimes we forget that people have a lot on their mind, and may not remember to ask us about something—even if they do care—but we have the freedom to just tell them, on our own.

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We track the frequency of hangouts

I think women can be more sensitive to how frequently we see a friend, and how that affects our bond. Naturally, we’ll be closer to those we see often but, we can jump to conclusions and think we just aren’t friends with someone if we haven’t seen them in half a year.

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And who called whom last time

Yup. We have a little tendency to keep track of who calls whom. At the end of the day, all that really matters is that the one being called answers, and is happy to hear from the caller, right? Sort of. But I am sensitive about friends who never initiate phone calls.

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We need you to visit us regularly

With long-distance friends, there can be a little track keeping when it comes to who visits whom more often. My boyfriend and his guy friends are open about this: he just tells some of them, “You have more money so you fly to me, and I’ll provide the guest room.”

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Don’t abandon us at a bar

Oh you better not abandon a female friend at a bar. Even though, technically, if we just wanted one-on-one time we really should have stayed in…we can get very upset if a friend wanders off to talk to others at a bar.

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Don’t go home with someone else

If a single female friend goes home with a guy, but she came out with her friends, she may or may not get a little chastised. Her friends were counting on splitting an Uber back.

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Bridesmaids politics can ruin friendships

Bridesmaids politics can destroy friendships. I’ve seen it happen. Meanwhile, most men have no sense of entitlement to a role of best man or groomsman. If it happens, cool. If not, cool.

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“Have you lost weight” is a loaded question

Simply discussing weight and bodies is very sensitive among women. It’s too easy to say the wrong thing, even when your intentions were good.

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You told her something you didn’t tell me?

There we go with that inclusivity sensitivity again. I have to confess that, it can be painful when one friend tells me another friend shared something personal with her that she didn’t share with me. Is it a measurement of our closeness?

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Timing of weddings/babies is judged

Whenever you get married or have kids, your friends will have something to say about it. It’s too late or too soon. It’s near the date of this other woman’s wedding, which is rude.

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