From YourTango

Is there such a thing as ‘The Nice Guy Curse’? Is it even possible to be too nice? Men, the world over, have wondered why women continually pass up the quintessential nice guy who is loving, caring, giving, supportive, accommodating, faithful and head-over-heels in love with them.In the initial stage of a relationship there are many men who try really hard to make women happy.

In fact, they often bend over backwards to accomplish this task. If and when they enter into a deeper level of commitment, they often take things a step further. They begin to put their partner ahead of everyone and everything else in their lives.  While this may seem to accomplish the goal of making her happy, it actually does the complete opposite.If and when she actually becomes the most important thing in his life, she’ll start to lose her attraction for him. In fact, if he centers his life around her, it will actually drive her away.

She’ll start to resent the fact that his life revolves around hers and she’ll begin to lose respect for him as a man when he keeps adjusting to her every whim. Over time, the attraction she once had will slowly disintegrate until it is no more. While women do not possess an ‘attraction kill switch’, slowly but surely they begin to realize that something is different. Something is missing. What was once something has become nothing.

At this point, the ‘Nice Guy Curse’ has reared its ugly head. In his attempt to find out what went wrong, he is met with frustration and disappointment. Why? Simply put, women often have a hard time articulating the shift in their emotions, because it’s just a feeling they get. They really don’t know how to put it into words. The feeling is either there or it’s not.

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Ahhh . . . that new, fresh-cookies-from-the-oven love. You all know what I’m talking about. When you are head over heels for your beau. Life is full of kisses, hugs and flushed cheeks from that warm, fuzzy feeling inside you get whenever you see him. Truth is, it should always be this way. You should grow to love your mate unconditionally. We seek relationships to be connected to someone emotionally, physically and spiritually. Unfortunately, that newness wears off like dye from several times washed, dark-colored jeans. But when you start questioning whether or not you should continue to invest your heart, soul and time, you may be in need of a a reality check. Dump the chump and keep it pushing if the following reasons apply to him.

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Physical or Verbal Abuse

If your man ever hits you or verbally attacks you, don’t take it! Leave immediately. This is an assault to your mental and physical well-being and no man  has the right to lay hands on you. Please don’t fall for the ‘Baby I’m sorry, it won’t happen again’ jive either. It can and likely will.

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Oh love. There’s nothing else like it, right? It’s magical, beautiful, divine. Love, in any form, is probably one of the best things we can hope for in this life. But if you’ve been around the block a time or two, you know that there’s flip side to this love business. It’s not always a bed of roses. It can enrage you, betray you, deplete you, hurt you. That’s why when you first fall in love it’s important to take your time and guard your heart.

Today, this lesson will be illustrated by singer/dancer Ciara.

It was a couple of weeks ago when we posted the video of Ciara’s awkward interview on 106 & Park. It was mostly awkward because we watched her sit and chat with ex boyfriend Bow Wow, right in front of her current boyfriend, rapper Future. Bow Wow did the best he could, though there were times where he was clearly overcompensating. During the interview, Bow Wow went through pictures from Ciara’s Instagram asking her to describe what was going on in each shot. By the time he got to the second pic, the audience and even Bow Wow started doing that obnoxious “Wooooo” noise folks do when there’s a romantic moment being shared on television. The picture was of Ciara and Future sitting next to each other on what she called a “PJ.” (That’s a private jet for you poor folks.) After the audience settled down, Ciara started describing the picture saying “That’s me and my King.”

Huh?

When you refer to a man, a mere mortal, as your king you automatically lower yourself. Even if Future is walking around referring to Ciara as his Queen, it’s just not quite the same. Everybody knows traditionally the two roles aren’t equivalent. We were discussing the notion of calling a man your king in the office and we unanimously agreed that she took things a little too far. (It would seem that the two have been dating each other for a year max.) The more I thought about this “king” thing, the more I wondered if I could or would use it in the context of a more stable, more committed relationship like a marriage.

I’m not married so I called my mom and asked her if she’d ever call my father, her husband her king. She thought about it for a second before saying no. She said there’s something about the word “king” that is so vivid that you immediately start imagining the man wearing a crown, or a halo and she just didn’t feel comfortable giving that title to a man, not even one she’s been married to for nearly 30 years. She said that when you call someone your king it’s almost sacrilegious, like you’re relying on this man to be your everything. And no man can be everything to anyone. I told my mom about Ciara and she agreed it was too much and homegirl is just young.

I neglected to tell my mom about Ciara’s tattoo featuring Future’s initial.

When Ciara appeared on The Wendy Williams show, Wendy spotted the tattoo and asked Ciara straight out about her tattoo and whether it was the smartest decision. Ciara said she got the tattoo as a way to speak things into fruition.

And I feel so good about where I am. I’m very confident and comfortable with the way he loves me. I say that to say I’m only going to put in the universe positive things. I’m going to put in the universe that it’s only going to get better and better and better.

From YourTango

According to PsychCentral, new research finds that some people are better off not having a spouse than being in a poor relationship. Furthermore, people in bad relationships had more than double the risk of depression than those with the best relationships.

The interesting thing is that most of the psychological community would believe that you are depressed because your husband isn’t doing the things you want him to do or he is doing things you don’t want him to do. This means that he is completely responsible for your depression and the challenges in your relationship.

I’m going to say it a different way. Please bear with me until the end of this article because in the beginning, it might sound like I’m trying blaming you for your depression but that’s not what I’m doing. By the end of this article, you should understand your depression better and have a more empowered sense of what to do about it.

Depression is not something that comes from outside circumstances. Depression is a behavior you generate in your best attempt to get something you want. When you are unhappy in your relationship, you use depression to help your husband see just how unhappy he is “making” you. Of course, he is not “making” you feel anything. You don’t like what he is doing so you use depression as your best attempt to control him to do what you prefer.

Do I actually think you are doing this with malice and forethought? Of course not! Women do not sit around and plot and plan to use depression to control people. This almost always occurs on a subconscious level.

InsideOut Empowerment, based on the legendary work of psychiatrist Dr. William Glasser, tells us that behavior is never reactive; it is always proactive created to help us get more of what we want. You are in a relationship. You aren’t happy because your relationship isn’t the way you’d hoped it would be. You have identified your husband’s behavior as the cause of this unhappiness. Your depression is a behavior your subconscious creates to help you get your husband to change.

Read more at YourTango.com

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Last month we ran a piece on our site about marriage and whether or not you could forgive and take back your husband if he gave up on your relationship, but later decided to give things another try. Think Kordell changing his mind on his choice to file for divorce from Porsha and deciding to seek counseling instead of a divorce lawyer. There were definitely some very interesting responses, especially since I think we can all agree that we can’t say for sure what we would do until we are in such a situation, but all I could think of how this whole discussion reminded me of a friend more than any relationship I had been in in the past.

This friend of mine, make that a former friend, we had been cool since junior high. We were part of a clique of close friends, going to homecoming together in similar colors, kicking it post-prom, hitting up each person’s college graduation parties, crying together through each other person’s sorrows, celebrating each person’s come-ups. But post-college, life got a little too real for everybody, and the stress of life caused this friend to be come very anti-social. She fell out with one of the other members of our clique, and all of a sudden there was all of this pressure on me to maintain friendships with both parties, even though they acted as if the other couldn’t be trusted. After feeling too much pressure from said friend, who seemed more bitter and hurt than the other, I told her how I felt (since their problems had nothing to do with me and I didn’t want to be in the middle), and she didn’t like what I had to say. That was the last real conversation we’ve had in years.

I actually loved this friend very much, so to fall out with her was almost like a bad break up with an ex. No crying, but the confusion and hole left in my life could have warranted a few tears. We had shared many special moments together and I looked at her more like a sister than a friend, so when she decided she didn’t want to be bothered with any person in our clique, including moi, and moved on with her life, I was pretty hurt. And mad angry.

After some time, I’ve moved on. But do I miss her sometimes? Of course. But if she called me tomorrow and said she’d like things to go back to the way they used to be, I don’t think I could say that would be possible. I think we can all agree that trust between friends is a huge deal, and when you can’t trust a friend to stick around long enough to weather storms with you, to handle different situations and problems like an adult, and to stop thinking of themselves as always the victim, it becomes clear that they aren’t really adding anything to your life but stress (“Oh Lord, what is she upset about now??” “Is she ignoring me again?” “Here goes that passive a** aggressive behavior again!”). And it makes it worse when you start tip-toeing around their emotions for fear they might find some little nothing to claim they’re upset about and ditch you again.

I haven’t received such a call, and if I did, I think I would be there if she needed me, but honestly, I would try and keep her at an arms length. Consistent friends who don’t let things fester are a precious thing, but friends who ditch you when they don’t get their way and then come back around are…many things in my opinion, but let’s just sum it up by saying they’re more of a liability. Besides, years have gone by! We’re practically different people in different places in our lives. And for that reason alone, it might be time to move on and keep looking forward…

But if you’ve ever fallen out with a friend and they came back around and wanted to be cool again, could you trust them enough to take them back in your circle?

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Men can be just as sneaky as women. They speak in metaphors all the time. In fact, they prefer them to straight out telling you what changes they want made. And usually, they’ll use another couple as a reference point to send you a subtle signal. Here are common things your man might say about another couple, and what he’s trying to tell you.

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From Essence

Dear Abiola,

I’m in love and having sex with two men. I’m in a web and don’t know my way out.  

I have never been a woman that cheats or really understood why people do it. I was with a man I gave my all to for six years. I was there when everyone turned their backs on him, emotionally, physically and financially. Oh, by the way, I’m 33 and he is 42. He has done some things that most women would fall apart over. He cheated repeatedly and has been caught in lies. I thought I had gotten over the things he did but I would find myself looking at him in disgust and hating him.

Last year, I had enough. I started a friendship with someone that gave me everything. He made me feel like I was the best thing on earth. I started to cheat emotionally and then it became sexual. I left my ex for him. Now we have been in a relationship for almost a year but I cannot let my ex-boyfriend go. I miss him so much that it kills me. I have gone to see him and we speak on the phone, and now I’m cheating on this good man I have at home that gives me everything.

I find myself in love with two men, one that I know is toxic and the other who just leaves me speechless with happiness. I’m more confused than anything. I have tried to speak to my girlfriends but I just can’t seem to get the words out. 

What do I do before this gets out of control?

Signed,

Split

Read the advice relationship coach Abiola gave on Essence.com.

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From YourTango

I knew that if I ever wanted to have a relationship with her, I had to put it all out on the table.

I became a relationship coach to help understand and accept my own relationship hang-ups, most of which can be traced back to my relationship with my mother. Infants need lots of touch and holding in order to develop what psychologists call “secure attachment.” I was one of those children who was deprived of that. While it is true that Mom (now deceased) was one of the sweetest, most supportive mothers I know, she was also shy about her body and uncomfortable with physical touch.

Since I didn’t get that nurturing touch from Mom, I grew up feeling like I always wanted “more” in my relationships with men. I think a lot of us feel something like this—a deep inner sense that something is missing, that either you’re somehow lacking or your partner is.

Read more at YourTango.com.

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I overheard a close friend of mine on the phone with her boyfriend the other day. After a few laughs and reassurances that she was holding it down for him she uttered, “I love you, bae,” before hanging up.  I couldn’t contain my laughter because this boyfriend she’s been “dating” has been incarcerated for two years of their relationship, and they had only met maybe four months before that. I just couldn’t seem to understand when this “love” had happened. I mean besides having sex, seeing a few movies and him sending her “honey-do” lists in the mail about calling lawyers and making sure his mom had a ride to church all before he signed off with “Love always,” it seemed more like he was using her as his personal assistant more than his girlfriend.

It just amuses and saddens me how quick women are to call a man “Hubby” or “Bae” or just to be able to say they have a man, that they’re not taking the time to see if he fits the job description.  I’m sorry but unless you have a marriage certificate on file, he’s not your husband or “hubby,” he’s just your boyfriend and there’s nothing wrong with that.  You deserve to take the time to get to know a man to see if he’s worthy of being in love with.

Maybe I’m a traditionalist, but people throw around the L-word way too casually for me.  I think many women do so because they are so eager to be in that comfortable, committed relationship and they feel like by exchanging an “I love you” before the end of every phone call or before he leaves the bed every morning that it somehow solidifies something, but the truth of it all is all of the pet names and “I love you’s” in the world can’t bring the comfort and confidence in a relationship that time can.  Stop TV dinner dating: You can’t put a 2 month relationship in a microwave and think that you’re going to have the same familiarity and trust that 2 years brings. The honest truth is being in love isn’t as much about comfort as people think.  In fact, any man I have ever claimed to be in love with has always been someone I have been willing to go outside of my comfort zone for.  People are so in a rush to be in love, that they miss all of the great moments that being “in like” has to offer.  Love is not all passion and pleasure, it’s responsibility, discomfort, pain and not everyone deserves you inconveniencing yourself in that way.

“Should I say it first?” or “Does he love me or is he IN love with me?”  I used to be one of those women who made a big deal over the L-word, so much that I started losing sight of the love I had because I was worried about how often it was said.  But as anyone who’s ever watched, “For the LOVE of Ray-J” or “LOVE and Hip Hop” or “Real Chance at LOVE,” we all know that the word can be as transparent as plastic wrapped water.  Love is something that is so easy to say, but difficult to show unless you’re legit.  I can say I’m an astronaut all I want to, but if you put me in the pilot’s seat of a rocket ship I wouldn’t know what the hell to do.

I used to obsess when after several months of dating my man wasn’t texting me “I love you” messages in the middle of the day.  In fact he was absolutely in no rush to say it.  Meanwhile after the third date I had friends whose men were dropping the L-word on the regular and I found myself wondering what was wrong with my man who seemed to be chronically afflicted with an inability to express his emotions.  But like El Debarge said: Time will reveal.  Months later my man was the only one who wasn’t cheating, lying or gone.  I’m not saying love always has to take forever, but I personally like my love slow and right rather than fast and wrong. It’s not about how fast you can get it, but how long you can keep it.

Even if your man isn’t dropping L-bombs all crazy, instead of obsessing over what he’s saying, focus on what he’s doing.  Cheaters and liars have equal access to the word as well.  If a man is taking his time with expressing his feelings, don’t assume that he doesn’t have any.  It could be that he’s just that he’s ready to take on the responsibility that comes with it. And make sure you take the time to enjoy being “in like.”  “Like” may not conquer all but that’s one of the best things about it: It doesn’t have to.

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From YourTango

Admit it, when you see an older man who’s dating a much younger woman, you assume it’s because he must be going through some sort of mid-life crisis. His more youthful female companion may be more sexually attractive to him (making him feel younger in the process) and she probably doesn’t call him out on his issues like an older woman might. After all, young women are fun, free-spirited, energetic and have a zest for life. This youthful energy is attractive to an older man who may be feeling his mortality.

These are all the stereotypical reasons people tend to think older men love to date younger women. And while these things may be true for some men, the attraction is a little more complicated than that. When it comes down to it, a younger woman satisfies one of the most basic human needs: connection. (I talk about this more in my book, Secrets of Happy Couples. Assess the strengths of your needs here.)

Read more at YourTango.com.