All Articles Tagged "cheating"
“If he can cheat, he will cheat.”
This is what I was told by a wealthy man who considered himself “lucky” enough to have both a wife and a girlfriend. He was living a double life in every sense of the word. He assumed that the two women knew of each other, but neither of them wanted to admit it. Admitting their knowledge would force them to deal with the fact that they were accepting blatant disrespect from a man. Of course, the offender didn’t see it like this. In fact, he had a quite convincing explanation (at least to himself). He said with certainty that if a woman dates a man with money and status she should expect to be cheated on, at least once.
Interestingly enough, on a recent episode of NBC’s The Carmichael Show entitled, “Everbody Cheats,” this same type of opinion was shared by the lead character, Jerrod, after the husband of a family friend was caught creeping. As Vulture’s recap of the episode put it:
“Jerrod is more concerned with the financials of Karen’s marriage. He believes that cheating is natural for successful rich people. According to Jerrod, an income of $50,000 to $100,000 — the bracket in which he himself lands — means a man has thought about doing it, but won’t act on those urges. Once a man cracks $100,000, he has definitely cheated.”
I am no relationship expert, but going into a relationship with the expectation of being cheated on sounds like a slap in the face to yourself. It’s like saying, “I’m not good enough for a man to be monogamous with, so I will just accept what I can get because…well…I want a man.”
This thinking sounds self-destructive. However, I am not at all surprised that some men (and women) have bought into this notion: If he can cheat with ease, he will cheat often. And if he’s rolling in dough, he will.
Let’s face it, more women than not prefer a man who is rich and powerful. Not too many women would say, “I want my man to be broke and powerless.” And in a society where status matters and old-fashioned rules are out the door, we don’t really know what people are dealing with behind closed doors to be in certain relationships. People want to be known and have flashy things. And even women who are doing well on their own often want a man who can provide the same, or better.
Usually, the more handsome or financially well off the man is, the easier it is for him to get a woman. If it’s easier for him to get a woman, wouldn’t this also make it easier for him to cheat? The man living a double life that I mentioned above sure thinks so. In fact, he was quick to tell his stories of sexual escapades with women who were keen to be with him because of who he was and what he had. The stories would seem adventurous to other men, but I’m almost positive his wife and girlfriend would find them horrific.
Still, he was quite certain they would never confront him about the “rumors” because he took care of them both, sexually and financially. His words, not mine.
A 2011 study conducted by professors at Tilburg University backs up this sentiment. More than 1,500 professionals were surveyed to examine the relationship between power and infidelity. Results showed that the more power a person had, the more likely he or she was to cheat. Power produced more confidence, in turn making the person even more attractive to others.
“If women want a faithful man,” the wealthy cheater said, “they need to get a broke man who doesn’t have a lot of options.”
Well damn, I thought; but as brash and insensitive as he sounded, I knew that he was probably right in some instances.
Tons of men with money and status are notorious for being put on blast publicly because of their scandalous ways. And many times we see their wives or significant others stand by their sides as if nothing ever happened. Maybe the “nothing” is something they have chalked up as coming with the territory. Could it be par for the course?
While I haven’t yet subscribed to the idea that all men cheat in relationships, I’m not naive enough to pretend that I don’t know that there are a large percentage who do. And while I get what the man said about men with money having more options, is there an expectation for them to cheat? And with that in mind, as a woman looking for a monogamous, healthy relationship, would you be so comfortable dating a wealthy man?
Cheating will forever be one of the great relationship mysteries. For most people, the solution to avoiding cheating is simple: just leave the relationship. But when cheating isn’t necessary about wanting to be with someone else, what does it mean? Is the issue with the cheater? Is the cheater’s partner the problem? And, most importantly, if someone cheats should you automatically leave?
Watch the cast of Ask a Black Man LA discuss all of those questions and more in the episode above.
Update: While Columbus was sitting silent in the video Karrine posted, several hours later, he had a few things to say about what seems to be their breakup on Twitter.
See what he had to say.
Just want to say….that it's unfortunate that way things end up. I felt truly that a woman gave me a home and a place to get my mind right
— Columbus Short (@ColumbusShort1) March 29, 2016
And a place to maturate gifts that I wasn't able to foster, without stability. I love Karin and her brilliantly talented son. But toxicity
— Columbus Short (@ColumbusShort1) March 29, 2016
(Did this dude just spell her name incorrectly?)
Of any kind isn't healthy for anyone. I've been working hard to bring you guys quality movies, music and art. And that's exactly what will
— Columbus Short (@ColumbusShort1) March 29, 2016
Continue to happen. How could you not love a woman who took you in a broken place and allow you to heal. I'm thankful for the journey and
— Columbus Short (@ColumbusShort1) March 29, 2016
It ain't the first time I've been homeless. But will definitely be the last!! When it's all said and done stand strong stand tall and
— Columbus Short (@ColumbusShort1) March 29, 2016
Most of all UNBROKEN……If I'm still standing you have no excuse! #MoreThanConquerers
— Columbus Short (@ColumbusShort1) March 29, 2016
Man…when you’re homeless, you definitely shouldn’t bite the hand that feeds and shelters you. Smh… hopefully Columbus will learn one day.
Karrine Steffans and Columbus Short have certainly had a whirlwind romance. Before we even had a chance to get used to these two as a couple, they were announcing that they were married. That was mid January.
Now, in late March, it seems that there might be trouble in paradise.
Well, not exactly “seems,” Karrine made it crystal clear on her Twitter page early this morning.
@ColumbusShort1 Out here fucking everything moving, ain't got a penny to his name and no place to live. Nigga, bye. FOH.
— Mrs. Karrine Short (@karrineandco) March 29, 2016
And as y’all know, Columbus Short is no stranger to mess and mayhem. And for whatever reason, there’s always a camera around to capture it.
Last night/early this morning, Karrine was holding that camera as she told the world that Short had been unfaithful. She even took the liberty of making it a bit easier for the blogs to find these women that he allegedly cheated with, by @ mentioning them in her Instagram post.
A photo posted by Mrs. Karrine Short (@karrineandco) on
There was also a video. And the looks one or both of them didn’t take the news too kindly. Columbus’ belongings were strewn across the floor of what looked like some type of lobby. While Karrine spoke, Short sat silently in a chair.
A video posted by Mrs. Karrine Short (@karrineandco) on
If you’ve followed Karrine’s Instagram page since January, you know that literally every other post is about her fabulous marriage to Columbus and how she’s never loved anyone as deeply as she loves him.
So naturally, it’s quite interesting to see this 180 degree turn.
I really don’t know what to say about these two. So, we’ll let you draw your own conclusions. Though, with Short’s history of domestic violence, I certainly hope she protects herself.
Yesterday, we, along with several other media outlets, wrote about the alleged cheating scandal between R&B singer Kehlani, fellow artist PartyNextDoor and NBA basketball player Kyrie Irving. What was once juicy and sensational, took a very real, very nasty turn as people used what they thought the story was, to attack Kehlani and her character.
When I wrote about the whole thing yesterday, I specifically mentioned the fact that I hoped she had positive, uplifting people around her. While people may try to make light of it, there is something so soul crushing about being berated and belittled by people who never have and likely never will meet you.
Unfortunately, yesterday all of the backlash got to her. And she posted an image on Instagram explaining how she tried to take her own life.
Later, she posted another image of the man she creates for saving her.
And then, lastly she offered even more of an explanation about what happened in her relationship with both Kyrie and PartyNextDoor.
A photo posted by The Shade Room (@theshaderoominc) on
You would think that Kehlani opening up about her feelings regarding the situation might elicit some type of sympathy. For some it has but there are still those who believe this is a way to get attention or to make people feel sorry for her, in light of what they perceived as mistakes. Trolls gonna troll. And I hope Kehlani really does distance herself from social media as she attempts to heal.
In the meantime, there have been well-wishes too. From the likes of Karrine Steffans, (Who’s currently going through her own drama.), to Erica Campbell.
See what they had to say below.
All of this b/c MAYBE she fucked whoever she wanted? Slut shaming drives women to suicide often. Ya'll gotta stop. pic.twitter.com/k34r14I6m0
— Mrs. Karrine Short (@karrineandco) March 29, 2016
I don’t usually do this. I don’t even know this pretty girl or the details of her situation but I saw her post about her suicide attempt. @kehlani yes God saved your life for a reason sweet heart! I’m praying God surround you with his love and his peace. Everything is gonna be alright cause when you search for God you will find him! You Are Loved! Sending Love & Blessings to you #kehlani 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽❤️❤️❤️
We’re praying for Kehlani and wishing her the best.
If you’ve been on Twitter today, you might have noticed that 20-year-old R&B artist Kehlani has been trending. Now, I know that many of you may not be familiar with Kehlani. And that’s fine. What we’re discussing today is more about relationships, double standard, and how to handle said drama when you’re in the public eye.
So what exactly happened with Kehlani?
Well, if you were at all familiar with her, you might have known that she was in a relatively new relationship with Cleveland Cavaliers player, 24-year-old Kyrie Irving. The two seemed to be going quite strong after celebrating their first Valentine’s Day together.
But things took a left turn when Kehlani’s ex, a producer named PartyNextDoor, posted a very incriminating picture of the two in bed together.
As you can tell, there are no faces, no body parts. But Kehlani has some very distinct tattoos. With that caption, the couple’s history, and the tussled sheets, it wasn’t hard for folks to surmise that they had slept together; which, if true, would mean that she cheated on Kyrie Irving.
In response, likely to the public backlash and her overflowing Instagram notifications, Kehlani, a new artist deleted her entire Instagram page, losing all of those followers. While she never addressed the picture directly, deleting an entire Instagram page, particularly as a new artist, is very close to an admission of guilt.
What happened afterward has been quite annoying. Men from all corners of the earth (read: young, Black men in America) have been blasting Kehlani and the rest of “these hoes” who don’t know how to handle or appreciate “a nice guy.” Not having the full story about the current status of the couple’s relationship, not knowing if Irving is indeed a “nice guy.” And what I find particularly irritating is that when male artists, entertainers and athletes cheat on their wives and girlfriends, there is no trending topic. Men don’t call these other men hoes. They don’t express their allegiance to the “good girl” who was hurt privately and publicly humiliated. Instead, men shrug their shoulders and offer explanations about biology, monogamy and access when you have money like these public figures. Hell, some of them might even celebrate the man for being “out here.”
The discussion about PartyNextDoor and his foul ways have yet to cross my path.
In this whole discussion of Kehlani, Ayesha Curry’s name was also trending. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but ever since homegirl talked about her preference for covering up, men have placed her on a pedestal, pointing to her as a beacon for Black womanhood. I happen to like Ayesha Curry but I really resent the fact that much of the discussion surrounding her in our community is about berating and belittling other women in comparison to her. Men have been tweeting all day that they’re looking for an “Ayesha Curry in a world full of Kehlanis.” As my coworker brought to my attention, someone literally tweeted that Ayesha Curry was the last good, light-skinned girl out here. As if any of these men, spending their waking hours on social media, could be Steph on their best day, or would even know what to do with an Ayesha type.
This is all just a little background.
At the very end of the day, I feel sorry for Kehlani. Not because I’m excusing her infidelity; if that’s really what happened, but more so because I’m thinking about her career and her mental health. Having scads of angry, disconnected people from all over the internet trying to speak on your morals and character is enough to drive any sane person mad. Working on the internet, I know that feeling well. So even if she did make a mistake, I hope she has some positive and uplifting people in her corner who are keeping her off of social media and reminding her of all the good qualities she possesses. And I hope she’s truly internalizing that message.
But then there’s the career piece as well. No one, who is serious about their craft as an artist, wants scandal to be associated with their name before they’ve had a chance to prove themselves and blow up in the industry. But today, sadly, that’s the position in which Kehlani finds herself. Sadly, there will be tons of people who will hear about her for the very first time today, in relation to these allegations of cheating.
In an ideal world, this is what would have happened after PartyNextDoor posted that picture.
1. Kehlani called him and cussed him out for being messy and violating her privacy on the internet.
2. She did NOT, I repeat DID NOT delete her Instagram page.
3. She called Kyrie to explain what happened… if she’s still interesting in saving the relationship.
4. She offered NO explanation to the people of cyberspace. Deleting the page read guilty, while silence leaves room for question, doubt and, most advantageously, intrigue. People would have flocked to her social media channels looking for an explanation. And while there, they might have become more acquainted with her skills.
5. She would have either owned up to the infidelity, preferably with a new song. Or deny, deny, deny. She could have said this was an old picture. Could have said that her ex was messing with a copycat or hell, that they simply fell asleep after working on a song together. At the end of the day, the only person she needed to explain herself to, was Kyrie. Not us.
Hopefully, she can bounce back from all of this. Use this laser focus on her life either to her career advancement or to reconnect with the people who will continue to ride for her and her artistry. But in the meantime, the fellas out there, looking to throw the first stone, should back back.
So picture this: You’re on Instagram or Facebook, and you see someone commenting on a mutual friend’s pictures and posts in a sexually suggestive manner. To your surprise, your friend responds in an equally flirtatious way. You know that person has a man, and they’ve been together for almost 10 years. On the one hand, you want to sit back with one of those mini bags of Orville Redenbacher and watch everything unfold because you can’t believe how shady this person is being and reckless on the web. On the other hand, you know it’s wrong, and you feel obligated to step in because that person just happens to be one of your best friends.
It’s often you hear stories of a friend with a cheating boyfriend or girlfriend, and that leaves the person caught in the middle at odds about whether they should let their friend know. But what do you do when the person who’s cheating is your friend? Does loyalty trump moral code? You find yourself at a crossroad wondering if you should you tell your friend about herself or if you should just be okay with the fact that it’s not your relationship, so it’s none of your business. After reading through an array of tabs pulled up on my computer and after wrestling back and forth with this dilemma, here is what I concluded:
Let’s call a spade a spade. There is no level of cheating that’s more justifiable than another. Cheating is cheating, whether emotionally or physically. Being a cheater isn’t just about sexual infidelity. It can be flirty emails/private messages/texts and romantic affection, which are things that are reserved specifically for the one you are dating. A preacher once said if you’re married or in a committed relationship and you’re having lustful thoughts and fantasies about someone else, you’ve just committed the first act of cheating because temptation and infidelity start in the mind.
I’m a firm believer in iron sharpening iron and when most people cheat it’s usually because there is something about their current relationship that’s failing to meet a certain need–whether a physical one, an emotional one, a spiritual one, and so on and forth. Some are just looking for a new type of thrill without compromising or fully giving up the security of their current relationship. But at the end of the day, you’re playing with fire.
Without overstepping my boundaries, I spoke to my friend about her behavior. I simply wanted to know what was happening in her life that she wasn’t happy with. What in her relationship was causing her to step out? As friends and sisters, we hold each other accountable, and we check each other when we are out of line. So if ever you find yourself debating whether you should say something or mind your business, think about the dynamics of your relationship with that person and do not go and blab to the other person. Speak directly to your friend. They could be going through a really tough time. But at the same time, they also need to know that cheating is wrong. Be careful of harsh judgment and also be prepared for a defensive side to surface because any able-minded person will be aware that what they’re doing is wrong, but they also don’t want the person closest to them making them feel any worse about their actions.
Don’t make it more dramatic than it needs to be. Just be real with your friend and once you’ve done your part, all you can do is let it go. As friends, we should hold each other accountable and look out for one another’s best interests, but if that person doesn’t want to take your advice or listen to your words, at least you can walk away knowing you did your part.
Normally, if there’s going to be any drama at a wedding, it’ll come when the minister asks “if anyone knows of any reason why these two shouldn’t be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.” But this woman, in an old YouTube video that has gone viral, couldn’t wait that long. After the minister prayed over this couple, (she did have the decency to wait until the prayer was over), the woman, in front of everyone, decided to make a scene.
She interrupted the ceremony to ask, “This is what you left my house for this morning…and the other night.”
Shortly after, someone said “You need to get out” as the crowd gasps, ooos and whispers among themselves. Interestingly enough, the YouTube user who uploaded the video said that after the incident, the woman was escorted out and the wedding proceeded. Needless to say, the guests were in a tizzy.
I’m sure this is every fiancé’s worst nightmare. But after watching, I have a few observations. One, this woman appears to be an invited guest…which is quite bold on both her part and the part of the groom. While we could doubt the validity of her claims, the fact that he looked over and looked back at his bride, not in shock or confusion, but simply trying to ignore the situation is pretty interesting. If I’m playing devil’s advocate, I could say that he was trying not to make a bad situation worse. But also, that’s not the look of a man who’s just been lied on on the most important day of his life. That’s not even the look of a man who’s pretending he’s being lied on. It’s more like a look of avoidance.
But forget about him. I’m concerned about the woman in this situation. She didn’t look all that surprised either. Or maybe she did and she just didn’t turn around and show us that face. Hell, maybe they had a conversation before they met at the altar. You never know. She might have already made the decision to forgive.
But my question is, if you were the woman how would you handle the situation? Would you stop the wedding and have a conversation with your soon-to-be husband, would you address the woman who decided to insert herself into your day or would you move like the woman in this video did, pretending like nothing happened and marry the man of your dreams.
Okay, okay, okay. I know there’s nothing petty about this situation. In fact, there’s something really terrible about someone going to such great lengths to spy on their girlfriend or boyfriend. Still, this story was too good not to share with my weekly “Is This Petty?” participants.
Remember the friend I told you about last week? The young woman who decided to return the Valentine’s Day gift she almost gave her partner after he totally overlooked the holiday? Well, she was able to work things out with the guy. They talked things out about Valentine’s Day and decided to move forward. A few days later, she rode with him as he ran errands, including a stop at T-Mobile where he opened a second phone line. She didn’t really understand why he needed it, and when she asked, he joked about being a drug dealer on the side.
Ha. Ha. Ha.
She left it alone, and he went on to have two lines, two phones.
A day or so after that, he asked my friend her whereabouts on a popular dating app they actually met on. “You don’t have an account anymore do you? Don’t lie to me” he said. Surprised by his insistence that she not lie, especially since she didn’t have anything to lie about, my friend responded with the truth: She had taken the app off of her phone and hadn’t bothered with it for almost two months. He seemed to believe her and they, again, moved forward.
The next day, she received a message from a random guy who claimed that the two had matched on the dating app in the past and he was checking in to say hello. She didn’t recall matching with anyone named “John” and asked if she could contact him later since he had caught her busy with work. When he replied claiming he had a tight schedule too, she politely told him, “Actually, I’m seeing someone now and I want to be respectful of that situation. Good luck, though!” To which he replied, “Whatever.” While she wasn’t phased by his response, she was suspicious of the number, since she couldn’t remember giving a guy named “John,” with such a number, her own digits in the past. She looked up the number and found out it was T-Mobile phone. She was immediately on high alert. Could it be who she thought it was?
Well, this past weekend, my friend met up with her boyfriend and ended up staying the night. The next morning, while he was asleep, she went to the bathroom. On the way, she ran across his second phone and took it with her to the toilet. There was no sign of her number or name in the second phone, but something told her to call the number of that so-called “John” in her cell. She did. Her boyfriend’s second phone rang, right there in the bathroom.
My friend left the bathroom, got dressed and told her boyfriend she was going to head out so he could sleep before work. He could tell something was off about her mood, but he let her go anyway. She met up with me and told me this crazy story later on that day, and she ended up saying that his spying tendencies were the last straw.
“I’m not going to go see him. I’m just going to let him know when I’m ready, that we’re done and that I never want to speak to him again.”
That was the plan, but she ended up avoiding his phone calls for the rest of the day. That is until she worked up the nerve–and anger–to let homeboy know how she really felt around the fourth time he called and text, telling her to “call me back.” She told him that she knew what he had done. Of course, he tried to play crazy, and she read him for filth. He would eventually say that it was all just a joke, but she found nothing funny about it–especially since days had passed and he never filled her in on his “joke.” Despite having very strong feelings for the guy, she told him that his actions were “childish and not indicative of a man I want to be in a relationship with. I think it would be best if we weren’t in contact again.”
The guy tried to call, and call, and call afterward, but she let his calls go to voicemail. He would inevitably leave her a message admitting that his insecurities had gotten the best of him, and he learned a painful but valuable lesson.
Yeah, the lesson was that he tried it with the wrong one.
But cutting him off wasn’t easy for my friend to do. Still, for the sake of all that is right in the world, she had to put her feelings aside and just do it. It was the right move. Not only was such an action on his part so slimy, over the top, and a sign of possessive, insecure things to come, it also sounds like he didn’t trust that my friend was doing right by him all this time because he wasn’t doing right by her…
But as always, that’s just my opinion. What do you think? Should she have given him a second chance? Was he a petty Patty for opening a second line to spy on her? How would you handle such shenanigans?
Maybe your twenties really are for exploring options romantically because, Lord knows, it doesn’t seem ideal to be out here dating as a woman in your thirties. Especially when you know what it feels like to be loved. It’s no secret — in most major cities, single women outnumber single men. Especially when they’re of color. There’s a meme on social media that reads, ‘Most single men live with their girl.’ It’s worth a chuckle, but yeah, since finding myself without a significant other at the end of my twenties, I’ve found this statement to ring true.
When you find love at a younger age and end up amongst the wolves in your thirties, it’s an entirely different ballgame. How many times have you heard men speaking about the side chick who’s been there through relationships? And about how loyal she is? This isn’t to say that side chicks don’t have a place in this mess of a dating world we’re in, affairs of the heart can be messy — look at the popularity of reality shows — but the more alarming trend in all this is how many men hope to trick you into side chick status. Making you a side piece before you even know it.
Here’s the scenario:
You meet a guy. He’s a pretty nice cat — smart, thoughtful, unassuming. He pursues you — even asks mutual friends for the ‘rundown’ — then you fall in. Cool. Then you find out he has a girlfriend. You. Find. Out. He doesn’t tell you when asked. Not cool. But he still wants to ‘be’ with you because you two have made a ‘connection.’
Drop him. Quickly. Apt advice right? The thing is that some women will be okay with sharing a man that they feel they’ve found something special in and that’s their prerogative but what about those who don’t want that type of relationship? Shouldn’t they be given the option to choose whether or not they want to be someone’s ‘other woman’? If that’s your thing and you want to hang in there and wait his main relationship out because you feel you’re the better match, it’s on you. You never know, maybe he’ll actually leave his wife or girlfriend and build a new life with you. But you’re better off, because it’s the option you chose.
Too often in the past few years, I’ve heard close girlfriends complain about this same scenario. Asking the guy about his relationship history and he happens to leave out the fact that he’s currently in one. “It would be fine,” one said one night, pouring a glass of Malbec in my living room. “If he would’ve let me know off top. But he was trying to be slick with it.”
Another one chimed in, “I mean, we’re all grown. He could’ve been of service in other ways and you would’ve known not to get your heart involved.” One had been married before and the other, in a long-term relationship, so both knew what that type of commitment entailed and neither was in a rush to get into another one.
Still, both women had a sliver of hope in finding love again — slowly — without having to relegate to being a side piece, most of whom, are waiting around for their certified position as the man’s significant other. His one and only.
Once you’ve been someone’s one and only though, you already know what it is, so it’s tough to settle for being secondary. Even on those days something really great happens and you want to share it with someone. Or when you’re feeling tired and want to vent. It’s like having the best red wine served in the finest glassware to drinking MD 20/20 out of Solo cups — it just doesn’t measure up. And the saddest part of it is that, it isn’t an ego thing, it’s just a matter of knowing your worth because once upon a time, you were treated as if you were worth something.
What would you say to your significant other’s side chick if you could sit her down and talk to her? I know that sounds crazy, but hear me out.
No matter how many episodes of Scandal and Being Mary Jane we love, being the other woman will never be a cute thing. But those TV shows have shown a lot of people the other side of the cheating coin.
A lot of thoughts go through someone’s head when they’re the other woman. Maybe he’s just really unhappy, and maybe I’m special. But we bet if the other woman could sit down and have a conversation with the main woman in his life, those thoughts would change. And it might get ugly.
If you found yourself with a man who cheated and you encountered the other woman, what would you say to them? Would you even bother to say anything at all considering it was your partner who was disloyal?