All Articles Tagged "cheating"
While dropping my son off at day care one morning, a mommy friend invited me to meet her sister who was visiting. I was instantly intrigued by Bianca*, whose high energy, tight clothes and bright colors were a contrast to my slacks, sweats and earth tones. Because she was so much fun, my husband, Julian*, and I quickly formed a friendship with her. I was the family breadwinner, working 60 hours a week while also earning a business degree. Julian and I had been married for three years, and our love was stronger than ever, but the second I got home from work all I could think about was doing laundry, putting my son to bed and preparing for the next day. Bianca was like a breath of fresh air.
I felt young and free as we started to hang out and she shared steamy stories about her dating life. As someone who never felt sexy, I was fascinated. She was constantly telling me I was beautiful, and the compliments grew. One night we were having a drink when she leaned over and told me she loves going down on women. Then she whispered in my ear, “Let me kiss it.”
Finish the story on Essence.com.
I can yell until I’m blue in the face that the ‘other woman’ is not the problem in your marriage.
I can also scream until I turn red, that the nagging and lackadaisical wife is not the problem neither.
I wrote about my personal perspective before that the only fault in a cheating relationship is the actual cheater. However, most of y’all ain’t trying to hear me and insist on pointing the finger at either the main chick, for not playing her part or the side chick, for doing too much. Perhaps, it has something to do with all the empirical data, which suggests that women much rather hear things from men? However since I am an eternal optimist, I am going to try again to save some of you hoes. And this time, I brought your pastor.
According to All Christian News:
“Andy Thompson, Pastor of the World Overcomers Christian Church, Durham, North Carolina has landed in hot water recently over something he posted on Twitter. He reportedly told women, that if they did not want their man or husband to look at other women, they should themselves shine more and not let the “hoes” or whores beat them to their man.
The untactful tweet was placed by Thompson on April Fool’s day this year and many believe that it may have been his attempt at a practical joke or “April fool.” However, others are not so forgiving for his tasteless attempt at humor, if it was that, one of them is Taurean Brown, writer, speaker, activist and poet on the blog blacksankofa”
According to All Christian News, the actual tweet said, “Ladies if you want to be the only woman your man looks at Shine it Up! Don’t let the Hoes he comes across outshine you! #SaveMarriage”
Naturally, some of the hoes…I mean, women in his congregation (as well as on Twitter) didn’t take too kindly to Thompson’s pastoral advice, particularly the use of the word “ho” to describe women, who exist outside of this hypothetical marriage, which by definition, is just about everyone not married to this winner. Eventually, the pastor allegedly apologized in a YouTube video, for using the term saying that his aim was only to help women. But as All Christian News reports, the apology was peppered with a defense that he was “being misunderstood.”
Well, you know what they say about difficulty levels of pimping…
Seriously though, I am really sick of men setting up these wives, aka main chick, versus single women, aka side piece, paradigms. And I am especially tired of women being silly enough to keep falling for it. Because I know that as much as I am disgusted by this Pastor’s marriage counseling, there are some of you on the other side of the computer screen, talking about, “what’s wrong with that? Some women are hoes.”
Some women are paid for sex, this is true. However, just because your husband/partner/significant other has a wandering eye, it does not make every object of his affection “a ho.” What it does make her, is attractive enough to grab your husband’s attention and a woman who got caught up with some bad D – just like you did.
Our inability to recognize the messiness of the man in the middle is exactly why the male prerogative exists and flourishes. And it is also why the term “mistress” has many adjectives; most of them not nice. However there is no universal term for men, who are being exploited on the side for sex (or whatever other creature comforts). And why not? It’s not like women don’t cheat. Statistically speaking, women cheat just as much. However, the idea of women having side pieces is not socially acceptable and in some instances, as in the case of our dear Pastor Thompson, encouraged only when the cheater is male. And it is encouraged to the point that these men in the middle can deflect his own fault for his sexual transgressions, by placing all the burden of maintaining the virtues of his peter elsewhere. First at the hemlines of the hos for being free-to-mingle. And second onto apron strings of the devoted wife and maybe mother, for not being a ho.
Regardless of the title, women are still only defined by their relationship status. #TeamHomewrecker. #TeamWifeAndMom. Never are we just women. I often wonder what would happen if we start segregating men and their relationship values into categories, based upon how well they can continuously wine, dine and woo us with expensive trinkets. I mean traditional values also say that women like security. What if I had tweeted out something like: “Fellas, if you want to be the only man your wife looks at, MAKE THEM POCKETS DEEPER. Don’t let all those sugar daddies she comes across outspend you! #SaveMarriages.”
Yeah, I imagine my mentions would be filled with another favorite label we like to put on self-determining women: gold diggers.
I can’t wait for the day when women band together like a girl power version of Power Rangers Super MegaForce and defeat this tired, as well as jaded, belief system, which treats supposed grown men as helpless innocents, unable to control their sexual urges and where they put their penises due to the hands of feminine sorcery. I prefer to think more highly of men and their abilities to act more thoughtful than that. Besides, I also know that there are no witches among us.
I’m not 100 percent sure if there is anything going on in her relationship or if Tamar Braxton just wanted to call folks out for being messy (as she tried to do when she put Kenya Moore on blast not too long ago for her behavior with Apollo Nida, calling her “ratchet”), but she had a message to send on social media for side chicks, and women who let their friends get too comfortable with their man. On her Instagram, she had this to say in two posts that she put up last week and at the end of March:
Saw this & I had to Rp for the women who think this is cute… Just in case u r the BOMB or u #won cause u cheating with someone’s man…..U #LOST cause u must NOT be all that for a man NOT to claim you and respect&Love you to show you off to the world! However… U can always tell when a woman ain’t married! Only full time side chicks thinks like this!! How’s that working for you? #wakeup #ulookdumb#hesmashingbuthesgoinghome #dontbeaOLDhoe#ifhelikeitthenhewillputaringonit#hecanttakeuoutinpublic #somebodycouldgethurt#youwill #sitallthewaydown
She also posted this message below for women who are trying to keep their men. Basically, stop bringing all your friends around your man, because not everyone has good intentions:
#randombuttrue #theonesayingLordLordLord& BetHeMAINonetakingofftheydrawsDrawsDraws#dontbenofool #aftermidnight#ifyomamadontlikeherdontyou #stoptellingyobusiness#sitdown #enjoyYOman #shewill #buyloveandwartour #goodnight
Once again, I’m not sure where all of this is coming from, but she’s definitely making some sense. Could be based on rumors that her friends are dealing with cheating men (like her friend Tiny). Or maybe she’s going through something herself with Vince, but let’s hope not. Or maybe, just maybe, Tamar just likes to call out messy folks just because. Anywho, what do you think of the messages she had to share?
A sad reality that many must face in relationships is that we can’t control what our mates do. Even though you might do your best to fulfill their needs, ultimately it’s up to them if they’re going to be faithful. But, if fidelity is simple as it seems? Is it merely just a choice, or are some people more prone to infidelity? Is there a science behind it?
Well, thanks to the study of many scientists, psychologists, and sociologist, I brought you all 14 studies that dissected fidelity and the myths along with it. Remember, that with science all these things are theories, and it’s not indicative of every person that you date/marry. But, the more you know…
If you want to let the world know that your husband is a stinkin’ cheater, social media just won’t cut it. Why not take it back and take out an ad in the newspaper?
That’s what one woman did in Toledo Bend, Texas. According to the Daily Mail, a scorned wife took out an ad in the classifieds to congratulate her husband and his other woman on the upcoming arrival of their child:
I would like to say congratulations to Shara Cormier and Patrick Brown. They are expecting a baby. Hope you both are really in love and I hope it works out. Always, Patrick’s wife, Timeshia Brown.
According to the Daily Mail, relatives and even co-workers of Cormier were reached out to, but declined to comment on Mrs. Brown’s decision to put Cormier on blast. This super messy story was shared on Reddit after someone saw it in the newspaper and posted about it on Facebook. From the looks of the ad, Timeshia is leaving behind her husband, and just wanted to give him one very interesting parting gift. It could be worse…?
What do you think about the ad? Share your thoughts below.
I’ve been with the father of my twins for four years and I know he is cheating on me. I have the password to unlock his phone and I’ve seen text messages from other women from dating sites. I even got into his Facebook account and saw that he was messaging other women. Then, I checked his
Voicemail and I heard a message from another woman. One day, we got into a fight and he told me that he’d only been with me for the last four years because of our twins. I honestly don’t think he loves me at all; he doesn’t even know I found out all of this stuff.
I even set up a fake profile and he responded to and said he was single. When he used to talk about me to other people at a class he would call me his “baby mother,” not “girlfriend.” Over Facebook, he asked a woman in the class if he can gown down on her. Now, again, he doesn’t know I know all of this. I broke up with him and told him he was free to sleep with whomever, but now he keeps trying to sleep with me! He also denies cheating altogether. What do I do with this liar?
Read Dr. Sherry’s response at Essence.com
Mary Mary has been through a lot in the past year. And as they’re prepping for their third season of their hit eponymous WE TV series, they spoke to JET Magazine about some of the toughest challenges they’ve ever had to face.
Erica explained how fans will get to see how they reacted to all of it. ““You see our faith shine, but it was not easy at all– and it won’t look easy watching it,” said Erica about the series. “A lot of people will see themselves. There was so much damage and yet still so much work to be done. I learned that every wound doesn’t have to leave a scar that remains for the rest of your life.”
While they were smiling and spreading the gospel through song for their fans, behind closed doors, Tina was dealing with Teddy’s infidelity, Erica ruptured her vocal chords just as she’s breaking out into her own solo career, their relationship with manager Mitchell is on the rocks and the entire Campbell family is coping with the death of their father.
Referencing her personal relationship with Teddy, Tina said, “I still believe in God and love. I will not live in the horrible space of ‘I’m going to fix him’ or ‘I hate men and marriage.’ You do that for a moment and realize it doesn’t undo anything.”
Erica spoke about how she supported her sister during this trying time saying, “I’ve always been her protector. We are ride or die for each other. When she hurts. I hurt.”
Tina’s strategy in getting through all of this is learning to let go of the reigns a little bit. “I’ve tried to have all the answers and my life became filled with chaos and anxiety. So now I don’t go overboard thinking I must had things right all the time.”
The ladies, who are working solo now, each have different projects. Tina is working on a book of devotionals and Erica’s solo album is set to be released on March 25.
Mary Mary’s issue of Jet will hit newsstands, Monday, February 17th.
“Mary Mary” returns to WE TV on February 27th.
Earlier this week, we asked ya’ll if it seemed like there was trouble in paradise for T.I. and Tiny based on the way he tried to scold her, like a child, for posting pictures of her behind on Instagram. And let’s not forget the rumors from Grammy weekend about this big blow up the two had and a possible love child. Just all around mess.
And the plot thickens ladies and gentlemen. Tiny posted a picture on Instagram and someone wrote this message as a response.
“My homegirl f*cking Tip…this sh*t hilarious…”eats popcorn.”
Well… Tiny has quite a bit of hood in her. So, she didn’t let this ride…at all.
Then, seeing that foolishness was being acknowledged, another chick stepped in with her two cents.
You take a break at work when you need a latte. You take a break while working out to catch your breath and take a swig of Powerade. You might even need a break from your kids when you feel like it’s either a criminal record and jail time or closing your door for 10 minutes so you can locate your maternal instincts. But relationship breaks I don’t understand. Taking a break from your boyfriend is like inviting miscommunication and infidelity into your relationship.
Long before Dwyane Wade and Ludacris were creating love-children outside of their long-term relationships, Ross from Friends was the reigning king of “We were on a break!” If his relationship with Rachel serves as any kind of warning to women, it should be that men don’t interpret breaks the same way we do. To most men, a break equals a break up with perks. It’s a fall back from the relationship itself, which indicates that there will be no more regular sex, daily phone calls and other things that serve as proof that you’re committed to someone. Most men aren’t going to freely admit, “I’m lonely and insecure. I got used to having someone next to me every night and you just up and cut that off. In the meantime I’ll substitute you with someone else.” It’s not necessarily that they’re able to move on quickly, they’re just great at making it appear that way. Naturally, it’s easier for men to compartmentalize their emotions; to them you’re either together or you aren’t. When you start playing the “it’s complicated” game, it gets easily misconstrued and that’s when feelings gets hurt. It takes a lot of maturity to successfully navigate a break and make the most of it to improve a relationship. It’s a level of maturity that most people don’t possess.
You have to be clear about exactly what the break means and what you hope to accomplish with it. Do you get to see other people? Do you get to sex other people? What exactly can occur in this pseudo-single lifestyle? This is where breaks get pointless to me. It’s one thing to need a couple of days to cool off, but if you think you’re trying to prove a point by putting a man’s pen*s on punishment for a month, you’re probably playing yourself.
Long before Ross was creating catch phrases, I had a best friend in high school who damn near invented “the break”. After sleeping with a guy who then turned clingy, she promptly told him they should fall back and go back to being friends for a while and then work their way up. I remember thinking of how pointless (good game, but pointless) that was then and I still feel the same way now. What the hell is the point of taking a break and not just going your separate ways? I’ve been in a relationship for more than 7 years now and I can testify that sometimes turning off your cell phone, retreating to your own place and bashing your man with your best friends (or in a good journal) does a relationship good. There’s nothing wrong with taking a few days to calm yourself down so you can focus on why you fell for your partner in the first place. But taking weeks or months to push re-occurring problems in your relationship to the back burner does nothing but make them eventually boil over. If you and your partner can’t have a clear conversation about conflicts in the relationship, taking a break does nothing but put a Band-Aid on it.
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. There are too many women that believe being in a relationship means being up under your partner 24/7. When you start to dance on one another’s nerves (which inevitably happens) and folks start taking each other for granted, you then feel like a “break” is needed. In all actuality, all you ever needed was a healthy balance of alone time invested into your separate lives.
Still, there will be couples who think that breaks are beneficial. Fine, but then there is this whole recklessness of carelessly creating kids and bringing them into situations that grown people couldn’t even get together. It’s immature, cowardly and unfair to everyone involved. I mean, how much can you possibly care for someone if you didn’t have sense enough to use a condom correctly? I don’t know all the details of these celebrities’ indiscretions, but it appears to be messy. Relationships can be as messy as you want them to be without you pro-creating and adding more issues to the pile.
At their best, breaks allow a couple to realize how special what they have really is, but more often than not, couples use them to avoid problems that they should be working on or to soften the blow of the inevitable. Choose your breaks wisely, because too many of them or even just one taken at the wrong time and without clear communication of what is expected just might make the whole thing fall apart.
Toya Sharee is a community health educator and parenting education coordinator who has a passion for helping young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health. She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee or visit her blog, Bullets and Blessings.
I am always fascinated by the dynamics around relationships especially romantic ones. I have had my share of scandals and downright craziness and through it all I tried to make the best decisions and remain true to myself regardless of the consequences. But looking back I am not sure if it really was the best idea to come clean about EVERYTHING, I wonder if maybe it pays to keep certain facts to yourself because in the long run, you have to ask yourself are you trying to make yourself feel better or are you being completely honest in order to benefit your partner?
I have a friend who was stuck in a relationship that was going nowhere. She and her boyfriend had been together for 5 years and it was becoming clear to her and the rest of us that they were not heading down the aisle anytime soon, despite the numerous times they had discussed the prospect. She became restless and indulged in a series of affairs. She knew that her boyfriend loved her more than she loved him and most likely was being faithful and respectful of their relationship. She took advantage of that and in the end; she felt an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame. She turned to her friends for advice, she desperately wanted to come clean and confess her sins but she wasn’t sure if her already fragile relationship could survive the betrayal. The consensus was that she seemed to be unfulfilled and her affairs were demonstrative of that fact, so perhaps coming clean would be her way out. She listened to what we had to say, but we all knew that she had already made up her mind even before she sought our counsel. She did divulge all her wrongdoings and her boyfriend was understandably devastated. He had really loved her and despite their challenges, he would have tried to make things work if she had been willing but she was ready to get on with her life without him.
I am friendly with her ex-boyfriend and it was difficult to see him agonizing over the fact that his ex-girlfriend had cheated on him multiple times. It forced me to really step back and ponder whether or not he would have been better off not knowing all the details. Maybe he would have had easier time just accepting the fact that my friend wanted an amicable break up.
When I broke up with my boyfriend a year and a half ago, I had cheated on him twice but I never told him. We had dated for about two years, and even though it wasn’t love at first sight, I grew to love and respect him. But after about a year, my feelings changed and I became susceptible to guys who were eager to give me what I was missing in my relationship. After the first affair, it was easier to jump into the next one but after that ended, I realized that it was time to stop living a lie and come clean. We both talked and acknowledged that it was time to be honest about the fact that we were not invested and ready to move on.
I felt a huge sense of relief that we were both on the same page, but most importantly I was happy that were able to break up and still be friendly without the ugliness of my affairs hanging over us. I just didn’t see the need to torture someone I cared about with needless information.
Do you think that honest is the best policy? I think that it is if you are trying to save your relationship and you truly want to make it work despite the mistakes that have been made. But if you are not willing to stick it out, what’s the point?