All Articles Tagged "cheating"
When you hear the words “trap” and “manipulation” regarding relationships, it’s often people stating the ways in which some women put men in a tight corner by getting pregnant and having a child to hold over a man’s head for years to come. Maybe even the ways in which sex can be used to get money and other things out of a guy. But rarely do people talk about the ways in which men “trap” and “manipulate.” Especially not the ways that men emotionally trap women in relationships. This is done through lies by omission, also known as, exclusionary detailing.
It’s the idea that someone misrepresents themselves in order to bring about a mistaken belief. Lying to paint the prettiest portrait of one’s self–a false portrait. A man who wants you to think he’s an upstanding guy, that he’s on the level of the kind of man you are seeking, and that he has his stuff together, might deceive you into believing that all is well (and clean) in his life. He’ll prey upon your vulnerability (you seeking Mr. Right via a dating app or being upfront about wanting a serious commitment) and try to get in where he can fit in. He’s a fraud, and sadly, many of us don’t realize we’ve encountered this kind of man until it’s way too late.
Like one of my best friends. As awesome as she is and despite having so much to offer as a partner in a relationship, she has consistently been approached by married men. All of whom failed to disclose the fact that they were, by law, taken. I remember one guy who tried to approach her at a party thrown by a mutual friend, only for that mutual friend to come through at the end of the night and tell my BFF, “Um, he’s actually married.” When my girlfriend approached the man about his lies, he tried to explain that his wife was actually still living in Nigeria, and it was a marriage he was trying to get out of. He wanted sympathy and an open mind from my friend, but she wasn’t offering it because he lied from the moment he met her.
Then there was the most recent love interest whom she dated for months. He seemed like a good guy with a big heart, but that’s probably because he was sharing it with another woman. Like the Nigerian fellow at our friend’s housewarming party, this new guy actually waited until the relationship was over to divulge that he was married. Yes, he is married to a woman who lives abroad and also claims that he doesn’t want to be married to her anymore. (He married her to help her stay in America, but she went back to Grenada with their son.) He would go on to claim that she wouldn’t sign divorce papers. He disclosed this information after requesting my friend’s help with a legal matter. That so-called “baby momma,” was actually a wife now coming after him for child support since he wanted her to sign divorce papers.
And I’ve known plenty other women who’ve encountered guys who had a wife and two children waiting for them in Guyana while they tried to play bachelor. Another who introduced a girl to his father only to have a serious long-term girlfriend he hid in the background. And another whose angry ex called a friend of mine to say that she was pregnant and that there were many secrets her prospective romantic interest had failed to tell her. In all cases but the latter, these women were heavily in like, sometimes on their way to being in love with men who thought it would be easier to lie and create a fake facade than to be honest and upfront about who they were and what they had to offer. So these women were left in more pain than usual when they cut things off because they thought they’d found a good catch. And sometimes they were left second-guessing whether or not they should leave their relationships because they were so attached, despite having fallen for a lie.
And this is more common than you think. Even famous women like Tasha Smith and Tichina Arnold have both married and split from men who painted themselves as one thing, only to waste years trying to hide the truth that eventually came out: They were liars. Such bad liars, that in the case of Smith, her marriage was annulled after five years together because her husband had been married five times, had scores of children, and hadn’t paid his taxes in 10 years. All things he failed to divulge to her before asking for her hand.
I tried to relay these stories to my fiancé, specifically the one about the married men who had lied to my BFF, and he seemed confused.
“But if he’s trying to get out of the marriage, it’s not really that bad, right?” he asked. “He’s making an effort and the wife won’t move on.”
“No, because he never told her during their relationship that he was married,” I responded.
“Ooooooh, I didn’t know that. Well…that’s not good,” he said.
And he’s right. It’s not “good.”
I was left sad for my friends, and for women in general, who often get the worst rap in this dating game (we’re angry, bossy, too independent, blah, blah, blah) while the fake facades put on by some men are ignored. Sad that men who want to draw them in lead them on to believe that they genuinely care and are available when they’re really out here living a lie. Sad that when you try to do a background check on a man, people look at you like you’re crazy–and then these things happen. Sad that instead of just being honest about the fact that their personal lives are not in the best place and giving women they’re interested in a choice to decide whether or not they can hang, they deceive them into falling head over heels.
In case you were wondering, I don’t have a resolution for all this. I’m just as boggled and upset about it as anyone else, and wonder how we as women can guard ourselves while attempting to be “open,” as people tell us we should be when it comes to “letting love in.” How do we balance healthy skepticism with going into a situation trying to be trusting? How do we take a man’s word as the truth when it seems so many lie in the attempt to have their cake and eat it too?
In reality, dating is exhausting. The movies and TV shows would have you believe that folks are supposed to sweep you off your feet, and sh-t is supposed to be happily ever after. But no one talks about how much of a risk it is to put yourself out there in the quest for finding love. Especially when there are master manipulators out here willing to prey upon your search.
Have you ever found yourself emotionally trapped in a relationship? Has a guy made you believe a lie about him only for it to come out in the messiest of ways?
Behind closed doors, women whisper to each other about intuition. We say that we have the power to feel the molecules change in a room, and we know when our children are somewhere they shouldn’t be. Our hearts have ears attuned to the dishonesties of silence. This intuition, which I believe rises from somewhere ancient and divine, keeps us safe. Maybe it’s our direct communication with God.
The problem is, however, we misuse it.
Abusing our intuition manifests in two ways. First, we sometimes ignore the still small voice that beckons us toward something better. Secondly, and more often overlooked, we mistake our personal fears and biases as intuition. We use our judgments about things we don’t understand and pretend our “gut” told us to steer clear.
When talking to my best friend over drinks, she confessed feeling a deep level of calm at the pace of her new relationship. She was going super slow, but her new boyfriend worried that she was holding back. The thing was, he wasn’t exactly a new man in her life. She was in a new relationship with an old lover.
“I don’t know if I’m being guarded or trusting my gut,” she says. “I hope I’m not closed off to love.”
The friend in me wanted to shake her. I wanted to tell her that she needed to trust herself. I knew their history, and I wanted to tell her that her pacing was fine, but deep down inside, I realized that I had my own questions about my intuition. In an effort to be a bit wiser than I was the day before, I find myself slower to act, and I frequently wonder if my discretion is good sense or if I’m not open to new possibilities. I couldn’t give her advice that I couldn’t stand behind, so I just listened. But I was left wondering, how can we tell the difference between our intuition and our caution? It’s an ongoing experiment for me, but here are a few ways I try to keep myself honest:
I journal. A friend of mine is a recovering alcoholic who has been sober for many years. When rereading his old journals, he discovered that he’d written that he was an alcoholic almost a year before he found himself in recovery. “My journal was the only place I could be honest,” he’d said. I find this is true for myself as well. Our minds are so chaotic that honest thoughts get mixed in with the noise. If we can find ways to get our thoughts out, we’re more able to see the difference.
I ask friends to listen. Sometimes, when I’m confused, I ask a friend to listen to me and repeat back what she’s hearing. Now, this doesn’t mean your friend is going to give you advice or tell you what she would do. That’s not what you need. He or she is simply meant to listen to you while you rant, and then report back what they’ve heard you say. Often, our words in someone else’s mouth can bring us clarity. “Oh sh*t,” we think as our friends tell us what they’ve heard. “Did I really say that?”
I pray on it. I’m not an overwhelmingly religious person, but I cannot think of a single time when I’ve asked God for guidance and didn’t receive some insight. I am able to live more openly than most because I truly believe that life won’t let me go too far down a path that is ultimately not for me. Granted, this is a two-way street. I try to live my life righteously and do the best for everyone I meet, but ultimately, I can live a little more openly because I know that I don’t walk through this life alone.
Only my friend knows if she’s holding back out of fear or intuition, but when I find myself holding back in the name of emotional danger, I like to remember that I am the descendant of those who survived. I come from a lineage of strong and powerful people, and carry the genes of the strongest of the strong. So often, our caution does a disservice to this strength. We protect ourselves as if we’re more fragile than we are. In the end, only you can decide when something is safe, but my hope is that we can all get closer to our intuition and further away from guardedness so we can love and live more freely every day.
Patia Braithwaite is a New York City-based relationship writer. You can follow her ridiculous tales of love, life, and travel on her personal blog, Men, Myself, and God. She also tweets and ‘grams whenever the mood strikes her @pdotbrathw8.
“If he can cheat, he will cheat.”
This is what I was told by a wealthy man who considered himself “lucky” enough to have both a wife and a girlfriend. He was living a double life in every sense of the word. He assumed that the two women knew of each other, but neither of them wanted to admit it. Admitting their knowledge would force them to deal with the fact that they were accepting blatant disrespect from a man. Of course, the offender didn’t see it like this. In fact, he had a quite convincing explanation (at least to himself). He said with certainty that if a woman dates a man with money and status she should expect to be cheated on, at least once.
Interestingly enough, on a recent episode of NBC’s The Carmichael Show entitled, “Everbody Cheats,” this same type of opinion was shared by the lead character, Jerrod, after the husband of a family friend was caught creeping. As Vulture’s recap of the episode put it:
“Jerrod is more concerned with the financials of Karen’s marriage. He believes that cheating is natural for successful rich people. According to Jerrod, an income of $50,000 to $100,000 — the bracket in which he himself lands — means a man has thought about doing it, but won’t act on those urges. Once a man cracks $100,000, he has definitely cheated.”
I am no relationship expert, but going into a relationship with the expectation of being cheated on sounds like a slap in the face to yourself. It’s like saying, “I’m not good enough for a man to be monogamous with, so I will just accept what I can get because…well…I want a man.”
This thinking sounds self-destructive. However, I am not at all surprised that some men (and women) have bought into this notion: If he can cheat with ease, he will cheat often. And if he’s rolling in dough, he will.
Let’s face it, more women than not prefer a man who is rich and powerful. Not too many women would say, “I want my man to be broke and powerless.” And in a society where status matters and old-fashioned rules are out the door, we don’t really know what people are dealing with behind closed doors to be in certain relationships. People want to be known and have flashy things. And even women who are doing well on their own often want a man who can provide the same, or better.
Usually, the more handsome or financially well off the man is, the easier it is for him to get a woman. If it’s easier for him to get a woman, wouldn’t this also make it easier for him to cheat? The man living a double life that I mentioned above sure thinks so. In fact, he was quick to tell his stories of sexual escapades with women who were keen to be with him because of who he was and what he had. The stories would seem adventurous to other men, but I’m almost positive his wife and girlfriend would find them horrific.
Still, he was quite certain they would never confront him about the “rumors” because he took care of them both, sexually and financially. His words, not mine.
A 2011 study conducted by professors at Tilburg University backs up this sentiment. More than 1,500 professionals were surveyed to examine the relationship between power and infidelity. Results showed that the more power a person had, the more likely he or she was to cheat. Power produced more confidence, in turn making the person even more attractive to others.
“If women want a faithful man,” the wealthy cheater said, “they need to get a broke man who doesn’t have a lot of options.”
Well damn, I thought; but as brash and insensitive as he sounded, I knew that he was probably right in some instances.
Tons of men with money and status are notorious for being put on blast publicly because of their scandalous ways. And many times we see their wives or significant others stand by their sides as if nothing ever happened. Maybe the “nothing” is something they have chalked up as coming with the territory. Could it be par for the course?
While I haven’t yet subscribed to the idea that all men cheat in relationships, I’m not naive enough to pretend that I don’t know that there are a large percentage who do. And while I get what the man said about men with money having more options, is there an expectation for them to cheat? And with that in mind, as a woman looking for a monogamous, healthy relationship, would you be so comfortable dating a wealthy man?
Cheating will forever be one of the great relationship mysteries. For most people, the solution to avoiding cheating is simple: just leave the relationship. But when cheating isn’t necessary about wanting to be with someone else, what does it mean? Is the issue with the cheater? Is the cheater’s partner the problem? And, most importantly, if someone cheats should you automatically leave?
Watch the cast of Ask a Black Man LA discuss all of those questions and more in the episode above.
Update: While Columbus was sitting silent in the video Karrine posted, several hours later, he had a few things to say about what seems to be their breakup on Twitter.
See what he had to say.
Just want to say….that it's unfortunate that way things end up. I felt truly that a woman gave me a home and a place to get my mind right
— Columbus Short (@ColumbusShort1) March 29, 2016
And a place to maturate gifts that I wasn't able to foster, without stability. I love Karin and her brilliantly talented son. But toxicity
— Columbus Short (@ColumbusShort1) March 29, 2016
(Did this dude just spell her name incorrectly?)
Of any kind isn't healthy for anyone. I've been working hard to bring you guys quality movies, music and art. And that's exactly what will
— Columbus Short (@ColumbusShort1) March 29, 2016
Continue to happen. How could you not love a woman who took you in a broken place and allow you to heal. I'm thankful for the journey and
— Columbus Short (@ColumbusShort1) March 29, 2016
It ain't the first time I've been homeless. But will definitely be the last!! When it's all said and done stand strong stand tall and
— Columbus Short (@ColumbusShort1) March 29, 2016
Most of all UNBROKEN……If I'm still standing you have no excuse! #MoreThanConquerers
— Columbus Short (@ColumbusShort1) March 29, 2016
Man…when you’re homeless, you definitely shouldn’t bite the hand that feeds and shelters you. Smh… hopefully Columbus will learn one day.
Karrine Steffans and Columbus Short have certainly had a whirlwind romance. Before we even had a chance to get used to these two as a couple, they were announcing that they were married. That was mid January.
Now, in late March, it seems that there might be trouble in paradise.
Well, not exactly “seems,” Karrine made it crystal clear on her Twitter page early this morning.
@ColumbusShort1 Out here fucking everything moving, ain't got a penny to his name and no place to live. Nigga, bye. FOH.
— Mrs. Karrine Short (@karrineandco) March 29, 2016
And as y’all know, Columbus Short is no stranger to mess and mayhem. And for whatever reason, there’s always a camera around to capture it.
Last night/early this morning, Karrine was holding that camera as she told the world that Short had been unfaithful. She even took the liberty of making it a bit easier for the blogs to find these women that he allegedly cheated with, by @ mentioning them in her Instagram post.
A photo posted by Mrs. Karrine Short (@karrineandco) on
There was also a video. And the looks one or both of them didn’t take the news too kindly. Columbus’ belongings were strewn across the floor of what looked like some type of lobby. While Karrine spoke, Short sat silently in a chair.
A video posted by Mrs. Karrine Short (@karrineandco) on
If you’ve followed Karrine’s Instagram page since January, you know that literally every other post is about her fabulous marriage to Columbus and how she’s never loved anyone as deeply as she loves him.
So naturally, it’s quite interesting to see this 180 degree turn.
I really don’t know what to say about these two. So, we’ll let you draw your own conclusions. Though, with Short’s history of domestic violence, I certainly hope she protects herself.
Yesterday, we, along with several other media outlets, wrote about the alleged cheating scandal between R&B singer Kehlani, fellow artist PartyNextDoor and NBA basketball player Kyrie Irving. What was once juicy and sensational, took a very real, very nasty turn as people used what they thought the story was, to attack Kehlani and her character.
When I wrote about the whole thing yesterday, I specifically mentioned the fact that I hoped she had positive, uplifting people around her. While people may try to make light of it, there is something so soul crushing about being berated and belittled by people who never have and likely never will meet you.
Unfortunately, yesterday all of the backlash got to her. And she posted an image on Instagram explaining how she tried to take her own life.
Later, she posted another image of the man she creates for saving her.
And then, lastly she offered even more of an explanation about what happened in her relationship with both Kyrie and PartyNextDoor.
A photo posted by The Shade Room (@theshaderoominc) on
You would think that Kehlani opening up about her feelings regarding the situation might elicit some type of sympathy. For some it has but there are still those who believe this is a way to get attention or to make people feel sorry for her, in light of what they perceived as mistakes. Trolls gonna troll. And I hope Kehlani really does distance herself from social media as she attempts to heal.
In the meantime, there have been well-wishes too. From the likes of Karrine Steffans, (Who’s currently going through her own drama.), to Erica Campbell.
See what they had to say below.
All of this b/c MAYBE she fucked whoever she wanted? Slut shaming drives women to suicide often. Ya'll gotta stop. pic.twitter.com/k34r14I6m0
— Mrs. Karrine Short (@karrineandco) March 29, 2016
I don’t usually do this. I don’t even know this pretty girl or the details of her situation but I saw her post about her suicide attempt. @kehlani yes God saved your life for a reason sweet heart! I’m praying God surround you with his love and his peace. Everything is gonna be alright cause when you search for God you will find him! You Are Loved! Sending Love & Blessings to you #kehlani 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽❤️❤️❤️
We’re praying for Kehlani and wishing her the best.
If you’ve been on Twitter today, you might have noticed that 20-year-old R&B artist Kehlani has been trending. Now, I know that many of you may not be familiar with Kehlani. And that’s fine. What we’re discussing today is more about relationships, double standard, and how to handle said drama when you’re in the public eye.
So what exactly happened with Kehlani?
Well, if you were at all familiar with her, you might have known that she was in a relatively new relationship with Cleveland Cavaliers player, 24-year-old Kyrie Irving. The two seemed to be going quite strong after celebrating their first Valentine’s Day together.
But things took a left turn when Kehlani’s ex, a producer named PartyNextDoor, posted a very incriminating picture of the two in bed together.
As you can tell, there are no faces, no body parts. But Kehlani has some very distinct tattoos. With that caption, the couple’s history, and the tussled sheets, it wasn’t hard for folks to surmise that they had slept together; which, if true, would mean that she cheated on Kyrie Irving.
In response, likely to the public backlash and her overflowing Instagram notifications, Kehlani, a new artist deleted her entire Instagram page, losing all of those followers. While she never addressed the picture directly, deleting an entire Instagram page, particularly as a new artist, is very close to an admission of guilt.
What happened afterward has been quite annoying. Men from all corners of the earth (read: young, Black men in America) have been blasting Kehlani and the rest of “these hoes” who don’t know how to handle or appreciate “a nice guy.” Not having the full story about the current status of the couple’s relationship, not knowing if Irving is indeed a “nice guy.” And what I find particularly irritating is that when male artists, entertainers and athletes cheat on their wives and girlfriends, there is no trending topic. Men don’t call these other men hoes. They don’t express their allegiance to the “good girl” who was hurt privately and publicly humiliated. Instead, men shrug their shoulders and offer explanations about biology, monogamy and access when you have money like these public figures. Hell, some of them might even celebrate the man for being “out here.”
The discussion about PartyNextDoor and his foul ways have yet to cross my path.
In this whole discussion of Kehlani, Ayesha Curry’s name was also trending. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but ever since homegirl talked about her preference for covering up, men have placed her on a pedestal, pointing to her as a beacon for Black womanhood. I happen to like Ayesha Curry but I really resent the fact that much of the discussion surrounding her in our community is about berating and belittling other women in comparison to her. Men have been tweeting all day that they’re looking for an “Ayesha Curry in a world full of Kehlanis.” As my coworker brought to my attention, someone literally tweeted that Ayesha Curry was the last good, light-skinned girl out here. As if any of these men, spending their waking hours on social media, could be Steph on their best day, or would even know what to do with an Ayesha type.
This is all just a little background.
At the very end of the day, I feel sorry for Kehlani. Not because I’m excusing her infidelity; if that’s really what happened, but more so because I’m thinking about her career and her mental health. Having scads of angry, disconnected people from all over the internet trying to speak on your morals and character is enough to drive any sane person mad. Working on the internet, I know that feeling well. So even if she did make a mistake, I hope she has some positive and uplifting people in her corner who are keeping her off of social media and reminding her of all the good qualities she possesses. And I hope she’s truly internalizing that message.
But then there’s the career piece as well. No one, who is serious about their craft as an artist, wants scandal to be associated with their name before they’ve had a chance to prove themselves and blow up in the industry. But today, sadly, that’s the position in which Kehlani finds herself. Sadly, there will be tons of people who will hear about her for the very first time today, in relation to these allegations of cheating.
In an ideal world, this is what would have happened after PartyNextDoor posted that picture.
1. Kehlani called him and cussed him out for being messy and violating her privacy on the internet.
2. She did NOT, I repeat DID NOT delete her Instagram page.
3. She called Kyrie to explain what happened… if she’s still interesting in saving the relationship.
4. She offered NO explanation to the people of cyberspace. Deleting the page read guilty, while silence leaves room for question, doubt and, most advantageously, intrigue. People would have flocked to her social media channels looking for an explanation. And while there, they might have become more acquainted with her skills.
5. She would have either owned up to the infidelity, preferably with a new song. Or deny, deny, deny. She could have said this was an old picture. Could have said that her ex was messing with a copycat or hell, that they simply fell asleep after working on a song together. At the end of the day, the only person she needed to explain herself to, was Kyrie. Not us.
Hopefully, she can bounce back from all of this. Use this laser focus on her life either to her career advancement or to reconnect with the people who will continue to ride for her and her artistry. But in the meantime, the fellas out there, looking to throw the first stone, should back back.
So picture this: You’re on Instagram or Facebook, and you see someone commenting on a mutual friend’s pictures and posts in a sexually suggestive manner. To your surprise, your friend responds in an equally flirtatious way. You know that person has a man, and they’ve been together for almost 10 years. On the one hand, you want to sit back with one of those mini bags of Orville Redenbacher and watch everything unfold because you can’t believe how shady this person is being and reckless on the web. On the other hand, you know it’s wrong, and you feel obligated to step in because that person just happens to be one of your best friends.
It’s often you hear stories of a friend with a cheating boyfriend or girlfriend, and that leaves the person caught in the middle at odds about whether they should let their friend know. But what do you do when the person who’s cheating is your friend? Does loyalty trump moral code? You find yourself at a crossroad wondering if you should you tell your friend about herself or if you should just be okay with the fact that it’s not your relationship, so it’s none of your business. After reading through an array of tabs pulled up on my computer and after wrestling back and forth with this dilemma, here is what I concluded:
Let’s call a spade a spade. There is no level of cheating that’s more justifiable than another. Cheating is cheating, whether emotionally or physically. Being a cheater isn’t just about sexual infidelity. It can be flirty emails/private messages/texts and romantic affection, which are things that are reserved specifically for the one you are dating. A preacher once said if you’re married or in a committed relationship and you’re having lustful thoughts and fantasies about someone else, you’ve just committed the first act of cheating because temptation and infidelity start in the mind.
I’m a firm believer in iron sharpening iron and when most people cheat it’s usually because there is something about their current relationship that’s failing to meet a certain need–whether a physical one, an emotional one, a spiritual one, and so on and forth. Some are just looking for a new type of thrill without compromising or fully giving up the security of their current relationship. But at the end of the day, you’re playing with fire.
Without overstepping my boundaries, I spoke to my friend about her behavior. I simply wanted to know what was happening in her life that she wasn’t happy with. What in her relationship was causing her to step out? As friends and sisters, we hold each other accountable, and we check each other when we are out of line. So if ever you find yourself debating whether you should say something or mind your business, think about the dynamics of your relationship with that person and do not go and blab to the other person. Speak directly to your friend. They could be going through a really tough time. But at the same time, they also need to know that cheating is wrong. Be careful of harsh judgment and also be prepared for a defensive side to surface because any able-minded person will be aware that what they’re doing is wrong, but they also don’t want the person closest to them making them feel any worse about their actions.
Don’t make it more dramatic than it needs to be. Just be real with your friend and once you’ve done your part, all you can do is let it go. As friends, we should hold each other accountable and look out for one another’s best interests, but if that person doesn’t want to take your advice or listen to your words, at least you can walk away knowing you did your part.
Normally, if there’s going to be any drama at a wedding, it’ll come when the minister asks “if anyone knows of any reason why these two shouldn’t be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.” But this woman, in an old YouTube video that has gone viral, couldn’t wait that long. After the minister prayed over this couple, (she did have the decency to wait until the prayer was over), the woman, in front of everyone, decided to make a scene.
She interrupted the ceremony to ask, “This is what you left my house for this morning…and the other night.”
Shortly after, someone said “You need to get out” as the crowd gasps, ooos and whispers among themselves. Interestingly enough, the YouTube user who uploaded the video said that after the incident, the woman was escorted out and the wedding proceeded. Needless to say, the guests were in a tizzy.
I’m sure this is every fiancé’s worst nightmare. But after watching, I have a few observations. One, this woman appears to be an invited guest…which is quite bold on both her part and the part of the groom. While we could doubt the validity of her claims, the fact that he looked over and looked back at his bride, not in shock or confusion, but simply trying to ignore the situation is pretty interesting. If I’m playing devil’s advocate, I could say that he was trying not to make a bad situation worse. But also, that’s not the look of a man who’s just been lied on on the most important day of his life. That’s not even the look of a man who’s pretending he’s being lied on. It’s more like a look of avoidance.
But forget about him. I’m concerned about the woman in this situation. She didn’t look all that surprised either. Or maybe she did and she just didn’t turn around and show us that face. Hell, maybe they had a conversation before they met at the altar. You never know. She might have already made the decision to forgive.
But my question is, if you were the woman how would you handle the situation? Would you stop the wedding and have a conversation with your soon-to-be husband, would you address the woman who decided to insert herself into your day or would you move like the woman in this video did, pretending like nothing happened and marry the man of your dreams.
Okay, okay, okay. I know there’s nothing petty about this situation. In fact, there’s something really terrible about someone going to such great lengths to spy on their girlfriend or boyfriend. Still, this story was too good not to share with my weekly “Is This Petty?” participants.
Remember the friend I told you about last week? The young woman who decided to return the Valentine’s Day gift she almost gave her partner after he totally overlooked the holiday? Well, she was able to work things out with the guy. They talked things out about Valentine’s Day and decided to move forward. A few days later, she rode with him as he ran errands, including a stop at T-Mobile where he opened a second phone line. She didn’t really understand why he needed it, and when she asked, he joked about being a drug dealer on the side.
Ha. Ha. Ha.
She left it alone, and he went on to have two lines, two phones.
A day or so after that, he asked my friend her whereabouts on a popular dating app they actually met on. “You don’t have an account anymore do you? Don’t lie to me” he said. Surprised by his insistence that she not lie, especially since she didn’t have anything to lie about, my friend responded with the truth: She had taken the app off of her phone and hadn’t bothered with it for almost two months. He seemed to believe her and they, again, moved forward.
The next day, she received a message from a random guy who claimed that the two had matched on the dating app in the past and he was checking in to say hello. She didn’t recall matching with anyone named “John” and asked if she could contact him later since he had caught her busy with work. When he replied claiming he had a tight schedule too, she politely told him, “Actually, I’m seeing someone now and I want to be respectful of that situation. Good luck, though!” To which he replied, “Whatever.” While she wasn’t phased by his response, she was suspicious of the number, since she couldn’t remember giving a guy named “John,” with such a number, her own digits in the past. She looked up the number and found out it was T-Mobile phone. She was immediately on high alert. Could it be who she thought it was?
Well, this past weekend, my friend met up with her boyfriend and ended up staying the night. The next morning, while he was asleep, she went to the bathroom. On the way, she ran across his second phone and took it with her to the toilet. There was no sign of her number or name in the second phone, but something told her to call the number of that so-called “John” in her cell. She did. Her boyfriend’s second phone rang, right there in the bathroom.
My friend left the bathroom, got dressed and told her boyfriend she was going to head out so he could sleep before work. He could tell something was off about her mood, but he let her go anyway. She met up with me and told me this crazy story later on that day, and she ended up saying that his spying tendencies were the last straw.
“I’m not going to go see him. I’m just going to let him know when I’m ready, that we’re done and that I never want to speak to him again.”
That was the plan, but she ended up avoiding his phone calls for the rest of the day. That is until she worked up the nerve–and anger–to let homeboy know how she really felt around the fourth time he called and text, telling her to “call me back.” She told him that she knew what he had done. Of course, he tried to play crazy, and she read him for filth. He would eventually say that it was all just a joke, but she found nothing funny about it–especially since days had passed and he never filled her in on his “joke.” Despite having very strong feelings for the guy, she told him that his actions were “childish and not indicative of a man I want to be in a relationship with. I think it would be best if we weren’t in contact again.”
The guy tried to call, and call, and call afterward, but she let his calls go to voicemail. He would inevitably leave her a message admitting that his insecurities had gotten the best of him, and he learned a painful but valuable lesson.
Yeah, the lesson was that he tried it with the wrong one.
But cutting him off wasn’t easy for my friend to do. Still, for the sake of all that is right in the world, she had to put her feelings aside and just do it. It was the right move. Not only was such an action on his part so slimy, over the top, and a sign of possessive, insecure things to come, it also sounds like he didn’t trust that my friend was doing right by him all this time because he wasn’t doing right by her…
But as always, that’s just my opinion. What do you think? Should she have given him a second chance? Was he a petty Patty for opening a second line to spy on her? How would you handle such shenanigans?