All Articles Tagged "celibacy"
People tend to underestimate their children, and how close their children are watching them. During one of my daughter’s speech therapy lessons, they gave her a fake cell phone, to see if she knew what to do with it. She immediately put the phone up to her ear, placed her hand on her hip and said: ”Hey!” That rocked my world, because even though my daughter hasn’t started saying complete sentences yet, I didn’t realize how closely she was watching me. That caused me make a drastic decision in my life.
Do you remember when you were in elementary school, or even with your own parents/caregivers, and you were allowed certain liberties, but the moment you seemed to abuse the privilege it was taken away? My mother was big on doing that, even slamming the door in friends’ faces when they came to ask if I could come out to play. ”No, Kendra cannot come out to play until she learns her lesson.” I decided to channel this mindset after I stayed with a man who was hitting me. I took away my dating privileges.
I don’t have a large background in dating; and I know that not all men are jerks, but I do know that there is something that I’m doing that is wrong. For the men that I have dated, two relationships really stand out to me, because both of those relationships turned abusive. One was emotionally abusive, with my then mate isolating me, belittling me, taunting me until I began to think horribly about myself. The second one was physically abusive.
What people don’t understand about abusive relationships is that they never start out as abusive, and (at least for me) I could always make an excuse for why it was happening. The guy I was with at that time drank a lot, and smoked a lot of weed. I don’t really drink that much and I don’t smoke. The abuse wasn’t something that happened everyday. Within the year and a half that we were together, I was physically abused about four times. With the first three times he would always say the next morning: ”That’s not me, I was drunk and/or high. You know I’m not like that when I’m sober.” So, I stayed, because when he was good, we were really good. It wasn’t until the last time he hit me, he was stone cold sober. In fact, it was the reason why he hit me. He was upset that he couldn’t get his drink or weed, so he took it out on me. After that altercation, I immediately packed my things and moved away; never saying goodbye, never acknowledging him again.
Once I met the guy that I married, I began to think that maybe this one will work, but as anyone who is familiar with my writings, we all see how that turned out.
My family will occasionally ask me about potentially dating, or marrying in the future; but honestly, I’m still healing from everything that I’ve been through. But, once I saw my daughter imitate me talking on the phone, I knew that I had taken advantage of my liberties and had to have a massive time out.
One thing that dating has taught me is that I don’t know what the crap I’m doing. It would be easy to put all the blame on the men that I’ve dated, but I know that there’s something that I’m doing wrong to attract these types of men, because I’m the only thing they have in common. Even when talking to an ex a while ago, needing answers, closure, to why he hurt me, his answer was: ”I was attracted to your joy and your confidence, and I wanted to see if I could break it.”
That’s a scary thought, to see that there are people who seek out others as a challenge to see how long it’ll be before they can hurt them, but it’s reality. You watch enough episodes of “Snapped” and “I Survived…” and you get confirmations of that.
One thing that being a parent taught me was that my life is no longer mine. I don’t have the luxury of messing up and choosing the wrong person to have in my life, because they are also in my child’s life. Best case scenario, if I pick an abusive guy again, my daughter will see her mother get abused and think that that type of behavior is normal. Worst case scenario, the person I’m with begins to hurt her. Neither one of those options, or any of the possible in between ones are viable for me. So until I get some counseling, to help me see these red flags, I’m in self-imposed time-out when it comes to dating.
I’ve learned to NEVER say never about anything. So, I’m not declaring that I will never date again, but until I get it right, my dating privileges have been taken away. Kendra cannot come out to play until she has learned her lesson. *Slams door.*
Anyone who has ever attempted to date while practicing abstinence can tell you that it’s not an easy task. Navigating through the dating world can be challenging enough, but making the life-changing decision to close the shop and hold out on the goods in some ways makes things even more complicated. Entrepreneur and founder of Blackcelibacy.com, Jeremy Billingsley, however, is seeking to make things a bit easier for abstinent singles with his new site. According to the company’s vision statement, the goal of the site is not only to connect celibate singles, but to dispel untruths and stereotypes placed on people who practice celibacy.
“At BlackCelibacy we are dispelling the antiquated notions about celibacy for Black Singles, such as celibate people are unattractive, celibate singles are scarred emotionally, or if you are celibate you can’t date. Black Celibate Singles and Black Singles are joining at an alarming rate and finding love. Black Singles practice Celibacy for a number of reasons, such as: Spiritual, Ethical, avoiding STD’s, Self Discipline, Self Discovery, or just simply trying to avoid Premature Relationships. BlackCelibacy is more than a dating site with a niche of celibacy for Black Singles. Our dating site connects with Black Singles from a Spiritual, Ethical, and Social stand point.”
During a recent interview with Essence.com, Billingsley revealed that he’d actually received inspiration for the site while listening to a sermon one Sunday.
“I was in church and the pastor was preaching about love and and he was really trying to direct the sermon to the singles there, and I though to myself, outside of the church there really aren’t that many places where celibate singles can go that embraces that lifestyle and meet others on the same accord as them. When like-minded singles can get together you’re going to get better results.”
He went on to say that the alarming percentage of Black children being born into single-parent homes and people being plagued by STD’s serves as a driving force in his efforts to promote celibacy awareness as well.
“I’m married with three kids. One of the reasons I did this is because over 70 percent of Black kids are born into single-family households and the HIV and AIDs crisis. I wanted to do something different that would make a difference in the future but we’ve been deeply embraced within the Black community.”
Billingsley was also sure to communicate that although Black Celibacy is faith-based, the site is open to anyone who practices or is considering practicing celibacy.
“We are a faith-based site but our mission is celibacy. BlackCelibacy.com is for anyone who is celibate or considering celibacy. And it’s for those looking to meet others with the same values. We’re growing now. There aren’t just Black people on there. We actually have people of all races on the site.”
What do you think? Would you try out a site like Black Celibacy?
I Used To Be A Hypocrite! DeVon Franklin Says He Was A Backsliding Preacher Who Engaged In Premarital Sex
Unless you’ve been living under a rock, chances are you’ve heard at least a tiny tidbit about Meagan Good’s courtship and marriage to her Hollywood executive hubby DeVon Franklin. What made their relationship stand out so much in the sea of other Hollywood unions was how openly they discussed their decision to practice celibacy before tying the knot. During a recent interview with Let’s Pray TV, the newlyweds were asked about how they were able to discipline themselves to refrain from having sex before their wedding night.
“I had made a commitment of celibacy a long time before her [Meagan] and I had started dating. What motivated the commitment is also what helped me to keep it once we started dating. As you all know I preach and what happened was, I was kind of living a double life. I was preaching one Gospel, but then not living it. Trying to be two people started tearing me apart. I was like ‘Man, this just does not feel good in my spirit.’ So here I am doing this with this one woman and I’m going out preaching something different. Once I got out of that relationship, I made a commitment to God, ‘Once I’m out Lord, I’m done and I’m not going to do this until I’m married.’ I need to live in peace and I can’t live as two different people. So the desire for peace and harmony was the motivator. The other thing was the thought that if for some reason my disobedience were to disqualify me from God’s purpose for my life, would the activity that I was engaging in be worth it?” DeVon expressed.
“When Meagan and I got together I was already pretty strong in my walk and my commitment. Now this is Meagan Good so I had to do some prayer. I had to know myself and say ‘Alright, we just gonna hug right now and maybe kiss ya on the cheek.’ You have to know yourself. You have to be honest with your triggers. You also have to be vocal about your commitment. We talked about it. I didn’t know she was on that page, but I was blessed to learn that she was and it was just a matter of helping her stay strong in it,” he continued.
His honesty is refreshing, especially since some church folk like to pretend that they’ve been saved, sanctified, holy ghost-filled and baptized in the blood of the lamb since they left their mama’s womb!
Turn the page for footage of their chat and to hear Meagan share how she stuck with her commitment. Thoughts?
Deception star and newly wed Meagan Good has lived out much of her fairytale-esque love story with hubby DeVon Franklin in the public eye. She has shared it all, from expressing that God informed her that the next man to seriously enter her life would be her mate, to DeVon’s shocking proposal and even the couple’s decision to practice celibacy until they were officially husband and wife. In a recent post on her WhoSay page, the actress blogged about what she’s learned about marriage so far and why it’s important to hold out for Mr. Right, as opposed to settling for Mr. Right Now. Her post reads:
“Marriage.. It’s very interesting.. I’ve come to a lot of revelation in the last couple months… One thing amazing that I learned is: sometimes the things that we want God to do in our lives -he won’t do- until we committed to The life partner that he has for us. (I’m not saying that everyone is intended to be married or that this is a fact for everybody) But I’m saying in my case and I believe in many others- Marriage truly makes you a better person and truly improves your walk with God. I actually believe that overall marriage is intended to build your character-And as a result if you choose it -your relationship with God.
Since my marriage- blessings have overflowed in my life and peace of mind has increased in the way I never could’ve perceived.. And the things that are happening now -I realize needed to happen, and maybe ‘only’ could’ve happened correctly with positive results, with my life partner and husband. It’s true: blessings do rain down when you’re Obedient.. And when you allow the ‘right’ person to be the person that you spend your life with..
Don’t settle people for less than God’s best. No matter where you’ve been or what you’ve gone through- God has a purpose for your life … Seek him in all you do and you will come to realize that you will not be disappointed .. And remember that his timing and his plan is more perfect and better than timing or plan you ever had.”
Are you digging Meagan’s advice?
Jazmine Denise is a news writer for Madame Noire. Follow her on Twitter @jazminedenise.
It’s simple really. Being a single young woman today FOR ME means forging my own path despite the glut of overt societal messages being hurled my way. Sex has become a careless pastime. A punchline. A tagline. A selling point. A last resort (or first, depending on the circumstances and feelings attached) to cement a relationship. In a lot of ways sex has become a cheapened fling when emotions are running high and self-esteem is running low. This isn’t the case for everyone, of course, but for many.
The moment when I veered off of my previous trajectory of celibacy was not because I had met The One. It wasn’t because I loved him. It was because I had not fully allowed my sense of self worth to sink in. It was because I was still looking for my value in the adoration of a man. I was because I was too afraid to venture into the world, alone. To get to know myself by myself. So, I settled for being intimate with, playing at a relationship with someone I knew wasn’t part of my forever.
…But he made me feel comfortable right now. And subconsciously I felt that physical intimacy was a way to keep him around.
It’s now 2013 and the hiccups of years past are so apparently lessons learned. Lessons so well-learned that I made the choice along with two of my girlfriends to recommit to celibacy. Not to see how long we can hold out. Not to tease potential suitors. But to eliminate the stress and anxiety and overwhelming feelings that undoubtedly cloud judgment and place an opaque veneer over how one views herself. Even the most confident individuals have been bested by scurrying thoughts after sex. I choose to avoid these feelings that accompany sexual intimacy and channel that center of energy toward crossing off some dreams and goals from my “Lifetime To Do” List.
Choosing celibacy THIS TIME has absolutely nothing to do with men but everything to do with me. If 2013 really is going to be my year of true self-discovery and accomplishment, I have to prune the tree to prepare for its growth. I’ve eliminated toxic relationships and friendships from my life. Committed to a healthier lifestyle with semi-regular (still working on it!) exercise and MUCH better eating habits than in years past. I’ve gotten my finances in order. I’ve started to pay closer attention to my communication skills and how to better improve them. For me, choosing celibacy naturally falls in line. I’m not one of those, “She’s-got-to-have-it” types. I’m not embarrassingly/irritatingly prudish. But I am all about self-improvement and what better way to improve myself than to commit to an all-encompassing healthy lifestyle? Not everyone is willing/strong enough to accept the challenge but today, I am.
La Truly’s writing is powered by a lifetime of anecdotal proof that awkward can transform to awesome and fear can cast its crown before courage. La seeks to encourage thought, discussion and change among young women through her writing. Check her out on Twitter: @AshleyLaTruly.
‘I Want Kids— Just Not Out Of Wedlock’: Laz Alonso Talks Love, Marriage and Fatherhood In The Latest Issue Of JET
It seems as if actor Laz Alonso gives us another reason to love him with each passing week. Not merely because he is amazingly attractive and intelligent, but also because it’s hard not to take notice of his great personality and the constant humility that he unknowingly exudes. Considering all of this, it seems quite fitting that the 38-year-old Washington D.C. native would cover the February issue of JET that will be hitting shelves just in time for Valentine’s Day. According to Necole Bitchie, he confesses in this issue that he doesn’t have a special lady to spend Valentine’s Day with this year. Flying solo for Vday wasn’t his only revelation though. He also discussed being considered a “heartthrob”, his desire to have children and what he looks for in a relationship. Check out what he had to say.
On being called a heartthrob:
“I don’t take it too seriously because looks fade. We all are going to get older and that whole heartthrob label will go to someone else… Regardless of how you look, the way you make a person feel, that’s eternal.”
“When dating somebody, I like to see them laugh and make the times we spend together more fun than they could ever imagine.”
“I want kids— just not out of wedlock… Because my father died when I was young, I’m extra cautious about not creating a single-parent home.”
It’s hard to deny that Laz has a pretty decent head on his shoulders and his desire to wait until marriage to have children is pretty admirable. Just last week he expressed how much of an inspiration Deception co-star Meagan Good and DeVon Franklin’s relationship has been to him. He even entertained the possibility of pursuing celibacy in his own life.
You can check out his full interview in JET‘s February issue when it hits shelves this coming Monday.
What do you think of Laz shying away from being labeled as a heartthrob?
Jazmine Denise is a news writer for Madame Noire. Follow her on Twitter @jazminedenise
It seems that being close friends with power couple Meagan Good and DeVon Franklin, in addition to his role in the 2011 rom-com Jumping The Broom could have possibly be rubbed off on Laz Alonso. In a recent interview with Sister 2 Sister, the Deception actor discussed the success of the Franklins’ courtship and commitment to celibacy and how they’ve inspired him. He also shared his own views on celibacy and entertained possibly even practicing himself. Check out some of what he had to say.
On the decision to become celibate:
“I think it’s everybody’s choice. You know, people have different ways of going about their emotional and their personal lives. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer. It’s all opinion and what works for you. I think what worked for Meagan and DeVon has obviously worked very well because they’re madly in love with each other and they are a role model couple for me. I can’t really force feed my opinion down anybody’s throat. I just think whatever works for you works,” expressed the 38-year-old actor.
On the possibility of practicing abstinence:
“I mean they [Meagan and DeVon] got married. So maybe I need to try that approach.
I think that it is absolutely beautiful how Meagan and DeVon can inspire those around them. Whether by merely provoking people to consider celibacy; which is something they may have never even considered before or making the decision to become celibate. We can’t say for sure whether or not Laz will be hopping the abstinence train anytime soon, but it’s cool that he’s open enough to consider it.
Check out footage of Laz talking celibacy on the next page. Have you ever practiced or considered practicing abstinence before?
‘I Didn’t Know What To Do, I Started Hyperventilating’: Meagan Good Gives The Scoop On DeVon’s Proposal
Megan Good and DeVon Franklin are arguably one of Black Hollywood’s cutest newlywed couples right now. While details surrounding their decision to remain celibate until marriage was a highly publicized tidbit, many still remained curious as to how DeVon actually popped the question. By the way she described it to Wendy Williams, his proposal seemed very traditional.
“When he went to go get the box, I didn’t realize what he was doing. When he brought the box out, I was like, ‘What is that?’ Then he started talking, and I was hearing what he was saying… I didn’t know what to do. I started hyperventilating,” she gushed to Wendy Williams.
Meagan, who seems totally in love and over the moon that she finally found her life-partner answered “absolutely”. The couple dated for ten months and have been married for seven. Meagan has gone on account several times stating that her marriage to DeVon is literally an answered prayer.
“I was crying about so much at the time that God told me exactly what it was going to be and he told me that the next relationship that I got into was going to be “the” relationship. God told me specifically what the criteria was with the man I was going to marry and he told me to not settle. So I would meet guys who are Christians or loved the Lord, but they weren’t trying with all their heart to walk with him. And I wouldn’t feel in myself that that was the guy, so even if I liked him or was attracted to him I would say, OK I’m not going to settle,” she told Global Grind back in April.
She also revealed that she and DeVon actually met on the set of another film six years before filming Jumping The Broom.
“We met 6 years before on a christian film and he called me into his office and told me if I needed anything to definitely let him know. Then we met again when he exec. produced Jumping The Broom. And here we are,” she told Wendy.
It’s difficult not to be happy for the lovebirds.
Jazmine Denise is a news writer for Madame Noire. Follow her on Twitter @jazminedenise
We know both Meagan Good and her new hubby DeVon Franklin weren’t sexually active before they got married, but what some might be surprised to know is how long DeVon was celibate before he and Meagan even got together.
In an interview with Global Grind, the producer, author, and part-time pastor told the interviewer he went without sex for more than 10 years before jumping the broom. He explained his decision to forego sex, saying:
“Sometimes we want to be this person at home, this person at the office, and this person at church and then we get the lines mixed up. We want to be different people in different situations and it tears you apart.
“What was happening with me is I would go and preach one thing, but then I was living another, and I could not do it. I could not look at myself in the mirror. No, I could not live like this. So, I had to just stop and say, ’until I get married, that’s off the table.’”
Since DeVon is 34 now, that means he gave up sex somewhere in his very early 20s which is virtually unheard of for a man, and any undergrad, male or female, on a college campus, let alone USC. Suddenly the meaning of his book Produced by Faith is starting to become a lot clearer. Abstinent days now behind him, DeVon is certainly enjoying the fruits of his labor.
“I’m happy,” he told Global Grind. “I just got married. It’s great. Things are great because she’s great. We’ve been married for just over three months and that was a key to happiness.”
“Men, sometimes we run from [marriage.], but I’m telling you it’s a blessing. It is the greatest blessing of life to have be able to have love because then you’re at peace…no matter what happens career-wise, you have a home base.”
Looks like he made the right choice. Do you think you could you go more than a decade without sex?
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When I share with other women that I practice abstinence, it is usually followed by an inquisitive look. Most want to know how long I’ve been refraining from getting busy and how long much longer I plan on continuing with it. How long? Almost three years. Until when do I plan to hold out? My wedding night. The responses that I usually receive following my answers vary. Sometimes I get the eye roll, which is usually followed by girl-bye-no-one-abstains-in-2012 look. Sometimes I get a “good for you.” Other times I get a response that goes something like, “That’s great, I tried that once, but it didn’t work out,” or the infamous “That’s sweet, but get a little older honey and see if you’re singing that same tune.” However, the most frequent response that I get is “I always thought about it, but I could never do that,” which is probably somewhat true. By telling yourself that you can’t, you’ve already sabotaged yourself.
What many don’t realize is that celibacy isn’t something that is merely physical. From my own personal journey, I’ve come to realize that it is more of a mental battle than anything else. It is about making up your mind that you are going to refrain from sex and wanting it bad enough to truly stick with it, regardless of what opportunity presents itself and who comes along looking to change your mind. While there are plenty of people out there who will preach why you should become or remain celibate, not many are providing enough insight as to how. So, I’ve provided some of the tips that have helped me in my own personal journey, as well as some lessons I’ve learned along the way.
Recognize why you’ve chosen or are considering celibacy - Not knowing the reason why you’re doing something can greatly hinder your progress and success. I personally decided to abstain from sex for religious reasons. As a Christian, the Bible advises against participating in premarital sex. While I had already made the mistake of engaging in sex outside of marriage, I didn’t wish to continue with it. I no longer have the gift of virginity to give to my future husband; however, I didn’t wish to continue giving away what I did have to a guy that was undeserving of it.
Inform your current sexual partner (if you have one) that you’ve kissed that life goodbye – Unless you plan on cutting all ties with the current boyfriend or friend with benefits that you’ve been engaging with, then you should probably inform them that you will no longer be taking part in the festivities. Now, I can’t guarantee you that their response will be the most encouraging, because realistically speaking, it probably won’t, but verbally putting it out there takes pressure off of you and it decreases expectations.
Refrain from putting yourself in compromising situations – Just because you’ve chosen to take on the challenging task of locking down the goods, that doesn’t mean you’re superwoman. You are still human. With that in mind, try to avoid putting yourself in situations that might tempt you to give in to your desires. We’re sexual beings and to think that because you’ve decided to be celibate you are somehow exempt from getting “turned on” is foolish.
Don’t lead him on – Participating in 4-play knowing that you don’t have any intentions of going all the way is crazy. Besides, celibacy means abstaining from all sexual activities, not just the main attraction. By doing this you also make things more difficult (tempting) for yourself. It is unfair to him as well.
Inform anyone that you are seriously dating or considering seriously dating of your decision - This just helps you to avoid headaches in the long run, it always shows you where your love interest’s head is at. First, it puts everything on the table. You are letting it be known upfront that sex is not on your agenda. Allow them to then make the decision from there whether or not they wish to continue a relationship with you.
Align yourself with other women like you – The decision to be celibate can be challenging at times. Having support from people that have embarked on similar journeys can be really helpful and encouraging, especially on those rough days.
Be selective with the men you choose to date – Practicing celibacy while dating a sexually active man is really difficult, some would even call it impossible. Practicing celibacy while dating a sexually active man who doesn’t respect your decision to be celibate is a recipe for disaster. It’s probably in your best interest to date those who have also made a decision to practice abstinence.
Control your thoughts – There will be times where your mind wants to wander back to how it used to be. You’d be surprised at how vivid and accurate your memory can be sometimes. You have the ability to be in control of your thoughts. While you may not be able to completely filter the thoughts that pop into your head, you can definitely decide what you choose to dwell on.
What are some things that you found helpful during your journey with celibacy?
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