Source: Goodboy Picture Company / Getty
Whether it’s been all the self-isolation caused by the pandemic — or all the self-contemplation — celibacy has been a pretty trendy word within the last year. Even though definitions of the term vary — and that’s okay — celibacy is often simply regarded as the commitment to not have sex. For many, that means it’s often practiced by intentionally abstaining from penetrative intercourse with another person. Even though the origins of the practice are religious and surround waiting until marriage to have sex, celibacy can be practiced by anyone regardless of whether or not they’re a virgin — and that’s a great thing.
Besides the obvious benefit of “removing the pressure of sex” when it comes to dating, celibacy is having a resurgence because of the relief it provides to the increasing amount of people who are tired of constantly being disappointed after their sexual encounters (due to dating app and hookup culture), or those who feel consistent guilt and/or shame surrounding their sex life. If practicing celibacy has been something you’ve been thinking about lately, the important questions below are things you should consider before making the empowering commitment.
1. What Is Your Reasoning?
While all the questions in this post are important, this is probably the most crucial. As mentioned, in the past people usually decided to practice celibacy based on either their faith or their cultural upbringings. While those reasons are still 100% valid, more people are choosing to be celibate as a way to prioritize their mental health, put a stop to the fast-paced lifestyle of hookup culture, practice self-discipline, or even detox themselves holistically from soul-ties of their past. Whatever your reason, make sure it’s a good one. Not only will it give you the motivation you need to abstain from sex when you’re feeling tempted, but it’ll also give you more purpose as you press forward in your newfound celibacy journey.
Committing to celibacy will be a big lifestyle change if it’ll be your first time practicing it, or if you haven’t practiced it in a while. That being said, having a strong understanding of your reasoning will be the foundation you need to set your other intentions.
2. Why Now?
While it’s an offshoot of the last question, this one is definitely equally as important. If you haven’t been celibate your whole life, why do you think now is a good time to take a break from being sexually active with other people? Considering this, it’s important to note that ‘celibate couples’ are definitely a thing, and some couples find that practicing celibacy together gives them the opportunity they need to relearn who their partner is and reconnect. If you’re thinking about practicing celibacy solo, but are in a relationship — make sure to talk to your partner about your choice to make the lifestyle change, and reassure them that it has nothing to do with your level of attraction to them.
When thinking about why now might be a good time for you to practice celibacy, keep in mind that you don’t have to prove anything to anyone but yourself. Because being celibate is generally a voluntary choice — it’s important to genuinely consider whether this is a point in your life where your willpower to stop having sex is stronger than your sexual desire. Additionally, please know that being celibate doesn’t mean you have to give up your sexuality. You can still look at yourself in the mirror and love all the sexiness of your body. You can still look at other people and find them super sexy. The point about celibacy isn’t to erase the human part of ourselves that craves sex, so keep in mind that when/if you decide to be celibate — you won’t ever be robbed of your sensuality.
3. What Are Your Terms And Conditions?
Knowing what your ground rules will be as a celibate person is really important. As with any lifestyle change, setting your boundaries and establishing what you will and will not do is the key to your success. Because the definition of celibacy is different for everyone, it’s important to make up your own rules and feel confident in them. It’s all about body autonomy, what your reasons are, and what you want to achieve.
Try to remember that there should be no shame surrounding how you or others choose to practice. Some people allow kissing, hand-holding, and various forms of being intimate with a partner if they’re presented with the opportunity or already in a relationship. Some even allow having oral sex. Whatever you decide, having confidence in your boundaries will make it easier for you to explain them to any potential partners you might have, or those who might ask (like your girlfriends). Knowing your rules gives you a better chance of succeeding at your goal, and holding yourself accountable will prevent you from ever feeling guilty about engaging in intimate behavior that doesn’t align with your celibacy journey.
4. What Is Your Timeframe?
Okay, so… this is the shortest question because frankly, it’s the most obvious. You’ve figured out your reasons, why now is a good time for you to make the commitment to yourself, and you’ve come up with a game plan for what types of intimacy you’ll allow. Whether you’re someone who’s a little skeptical about if you can really pull off being celibate, and/or you’re a person who just really likes to get their freak on — you’re probably be wondering how long your celibacy has to last for you to achieve your goals. To be real, it’s all up to you. Whether it’s one month or several years, until you’re married or a lifetime commitment, whatever you choose — remember that your celibacy journey is a promise to yourself. Don’t sell yourself (and your growth) short!
As a side note, it might be good to consider how being celibate might affect you in the long term.
