All Articles Tagged "breakups"
I just have to be real. For the past season and a half, “Scandal” has not had the same allure to me. I know I’m not the only one who feels the same way. I just so happen to tweet for MadameNoire during the show and I saw how the response and reaction to the show went from boiling hot to less than lukewarm, damn near cold.
But I kept tweeting. Partially because I was desperately hoping it would come back around and also because I wanted to see how much further Fitz and Olivia could go. Frankly, the back and forth the two of them go through was working my very last nerve. Week after week, I rooted for Olivia to get her mind right and go ahead and be with Jake, decent man–or as decent as they come on that show–who loved her.
But the heart wants what it wants and Olivia’s heart wanted Fitz.
And personally, I couldn’t stand it.
You might think I had a moral conflict with their adulterous love affair. But that wasn’t it. One, I never thought Fitz was of sound moral character and their dreams of being together were just that, dreams…of the pipe variety.
So, needless to say, the last few weeks of the show, watching Olivia admit, in front of television cameras, to sleeping with the president, seeing Mellie sign divorce papers and be callously thrown out of her own house only to have Olivia moved in, deeply irritated me.
Despite all their wishing and hoping and thinking and praying, I knew from the season 1 of “Scandal” that there was just no feasible way for Fitz and Olivia to be together and be simultaneously happy.
Last night, both Fitz and Olivia realized this. And while I’m sure Team Olitz mourned the ending of their relationship, I rejoiced.
In the same way you rejoice when your homegirl finally realizes the man she’s been going back and forth with since high school is just no good (for her or just generally speaking).
All the signs have been there. But it wasn’t until Olivia got a taste of what she’d always wanted that she realized, nah.
Olivia who was introduced to us as a bawse was looking like a shadow of herself running elusive cookie recipes all over Washington D.C. while Mellie hosted a 16 hour filibuster that stopped the senate from potentially defunding Planned Parenthood. That’s the type of change Olivia is known for, but being with Fitz doesn’t afford her those type of luxuries.
And what’s so interesting is that all this time, Olivia and Fitz both acted like Mellie was always underfoot, scheming and naive. They never acknowledged her sacrifices unless they were getting ready to ask her for another favor. It wasn’t until Olivia got a chance to live Mellie’s life that she felt herself shrinking into irrelevancy.
Last night, was the first time in the show’s history that they really talked about the ways in which Fitz selfishly manipulates everyone–man and woman alike– in his life to keep himself soothed and in power. Instead of having a discussion with Olivia about how he really felt about her releasing Daddy Pope from prison, instead he moved her into the White House without asking her whether she wanted this or not. She didn’t. But as it often is with Fitz, it wasn’t about her, it was about him. It’s always about him.
And as such, Olivia never really understood all that Mellie had to sacrifice to keep Fitz content. She was the one who had to deal with the alcoholic, the quick-tempered, mean spirited, neglectful man. Meanwhile Olivia got the thrill-seeking, “we can do it anywhere,” romantic who went to war in order to rescue her and was always full of sweet-sounding but empty promises. And that’s cute…I guess. But it’s not anything anyone can hold on to in the real world. Last night, when Fitz told Olivia that she only wanted him when he was unavailable, she responded perfectly, “I don’t know you available.”
Truer words have never been spoken.
People love to write “Scandal” off as some type of beacon of hope for side chick’s around the world. But I’ve never seen it as such. Olivia has never been happy in her relationship status. She was always hiding, always running scared, thinking she might be exposed. She couldn’t step out in the street and hold her man’s hand. She went to an empty apartment at night and drank wine when she really wanted to live in a house in Vermont and make jam. Homegirl was in constant pain not being able to be with the man she loved. And sadly enough, the man she loved just wasn’t the right one. Because when she finally got a chance to give their relationship a shot, she realized she would have to sacrifice the only thing that’s fulfilled her and given her purpose in D.C., her job.
This is not about women not being able to have it all. This is about Olivia not being able to have it all with that particular man. It was ill fated from jump street.
And as fictional as Olivia and Fitz’s lives are, watching that breakup scene was like watching so many of our lives, including my own, play out on the television screen. Sometimes we’re so busy and so dead set on having a man that we don’t realize what we’re sacrificing to get him. And hopefully, we realize, like Olivia, that having him is not worth losing yourself.
Breakups suck. No matter how many times your heart has been broken, no one ever really gets used to the waterfall of mixed emotions that typically accompany a split—especially when infidelity is what caused the relationship’s demise. Last night, Christina Milian broke down while revealing that she parted ways with Dwayne “Lil Wayne” Carter over his involvement with another woman on her E! reality show, “Christina Milian Turned Up.” Apparently, Carter had been dishonest regarding the nature of his relationship with the woman, but after doing a little digging, Milian came across undeniable evidence. She explained that the split was rough because she never loved any man as much as she loved the “Lollipop” rapper—not even her ex-husband, Terius “The-Dream” Nash.
When we spoke to Milian Wednesday, she opened up about some of her coping mechanisms for surviving the breakup blues.
Surround yourself with love:
“I spend extra, extra, extra time with family or friends. It’s not like, run and go to the club. Maybe back in the day that’s what I would have done. But these days, I just spend a lot more time with family.”
Let it out:
“Some wine time with my girlfriends where I can vent.”
“I also spend lots of time working on my career or working out. That really helps because you can like, talk to yourself and everything and kind of figure everything out.”
“Also, I just like sleep and not think about it. That always helps me get through it!”
While many would prefer to go into hiding following heartbreak, Milian revealed that inviting the world into her space—via her reality show—also helped her to cope in some ways.
“Real things were really happening, and I just couldn’t hide it. There was no way I could show a scene where I’m smiling and running around with my daughter, but in the meantime, I’m getting text messages and going back and forth with my boyfriend at the time,” she told Madame Noire. “For me, days when I was open to it, it was almost like I needed to see myself. It’s almost like challenging myself like, ‘If I were someone else, what would I advise my friend?’ I had to put myself in those shoes. Me being open about it was a decision for myself to say, ‘I have to make the right decisions moving forward.’ By being open, I felt that there were a lot of people who could probably relate to this. If you look at blogs, people are going in and out and up and down with relationships. I’m not different. I’m not going to stage it or act like I’m perfect. This stuff was literally going down. So I just let myself be free.”
According to the 34-year-old mom, the drama surrounding her relationship with Carter will continue to unfold throughout the season.
“There’s going to be a lot of ups and downs,” said Milian, who will continue to work with the rapper musically.
“We’re still friends and we have a song out right now. We shot a video about three weeks ago for a song called ‘Do It.’”
We imagine that it would be difficult to continue a professional relationship with someone who broke your heart; however, it’s possible that she’s really good at compartmentalizing her feelings.
“Christina Milian Turned Up” airs Tuesdays at 10 p.m. on E!
What are some of your personal secrets for getting through a breakup?
by Leslie Robinson
The anger is palpable. It resonates through your chest, you can’t eat, you don’t sleep; who knew a broken heart could feel so…real. Going through a breakup is hard enough as it is but imagine the stress and the pain when you’re experiencing it with a child in tow. Having to keep yourself together while you and your ex try to figure out how the dynamics of your interactions will now play out. I’ve been there, I’ve struggled trying to understand how my life would now work without my child’s father being in our life. There were days when I felt like I would never make to the other side.
But then one day a pair of small brown eyes looked up at me and asked, “Mommy, why are you always so angry?” and that’s when I knew things had to change.
Making the conscious decision to not be angry takes work. It takes effort and time to get to a place where the actions of someone you have spent a significant amount of time with, thinking you are building toward something, don’t affect you. When you can finally recognize that their poor choices, though they may bring you pain, are not your fault. It can be difficult to not let their words, the way they live their life, and how they left yours not keep you in a place of despair. The time after a breakup is hard, but when you’re a mom you must realize that the hurt you are harboring is only having an effect you and your child. The person you are seething over may have moved on, and there you are on your couch surrounded by your friends bitterness and anger. Letting go of these things is not an easy task but ultimately it is freeing.
Watching my own mother be a single parent taught me something about grace that I never knew I would need.
It taught me that I should never let my circumstance become the whole of who I was and I certainly should not hold onto the reins of pain walking a dead relationship horse around behind me as a trophy for how good of a mother I am. From her I learned that moving on from a broken marriage or relationship is the best way to teach my child how to get through a battle. My mother never spoke ill of my father no matter how she may have felt inside, from her I learned to never teach my daughter how to feel about her father based on what I went through with him. As mothers it is our responsibility to train our children how to navigate the trying waters of the world, equipping them with the ability to come out on the other side of pain without too many scars. Because of my mother’s example, keeping her head high and choosing not to expose my sister and I to her frustration; our relationship with our father was based on our own experiences and not the remnants of their breakup.
I have seen and know of some mothers who struggle to bounce back. At every turn they are dragging their child’s father through the mud, they are clutching onto his missteps so tightly thinking if they loosen the grip on his wrongs it means they are approving his behavior. I have seen women who do their best to make these absent fathers lives a living hell or find every opportunity to discredit him, at what cost though? If child support payments aren’t made, if visits are few and far between, if the man is nothing but a mere breath of a memory – does your baby still have to eat? Do they still have to have clothes on their back and shoes on their feet? Even if you mumble under breath about how negligent their other parent is, you are still there doing what must be done. So why not relieve yourself of the trouble? Why not recognize that even in their absence you are still top dog? You are mother. You are here and you get the pleasure of watching your child become all they can and want to be. Don’t hinder the relationship that needs all of you by giving life to the anger over something that is gone. Instead of transferring the burden onto your child and continuing to relive the loss over and over again, let go.
A wound can never fully heal if it is picked at. Each time a scab tries to form atop of the scar it is closer to disappearing but if you pick it, if you bad mouth that person, if you pick up the phone to scream at them about all the things they do wrong, if you mention their shortcomings every chance you get; the wound remains fresh. I encourage you to stop breathing life into that fire. Don’t spend your moments highlighting the failures of another when instead you could be relishing in the praise coming your way from being a good mom. Do not let your anger destroy the woman you are. Be happy, be free, be whole, it is the best thing your child could ever see. Deciding not be angry does not mean you are letting anyone off the hook, it means you are freeing yourself from the weight of a situation that did not pan out or from the choice of someone else to not be there. Sometimes mothers are so busy looking out for someone else they forget to take care of themselves. As a mom show your baby that life happens, but even through the trouble you can still find joy, peace, and something good in all you do.
What’s the best way to get back at an ex? These celebs would suggest showing him exactly what he’s missing with your post-breakup body.
Unfortunately, the gay couple known as “Kordale and Kaleb,” who rose to social media stardom after a photo of the two of them styling their daughters’ hair went viral, have decided to throw in the towel. In a lengthy Instagram post Wednesday, Caleb Anthony announced that their engagement has been called off.
“No matter what, these kids will forever and always be my [heart]! My love for them will always prevail even if ‘Daddy’ and I are no longer together. Truthfully, they are the ONLY reason I’m sad or regretting my decision to leave and move on,” Anthony shared in the statement.
It’s unclear specifically what caused the broken engagement, but it appears that the split is not an amicable one. Several times in the statement, Anthony accuses Lewis of disrespecting him and their relationship—including during their recent vacation to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.
“I cannot sit here and act like I was not part of the demise of ‘KordalenKaleb,’ but at no point do I or anyone else deserve to be disrespected the way I was and to continue it on while we’re together as a family on vacation,” Anthony shared.
“I don’t want to be fifty-five resenting myself and my relationship for shit I was not man enough to stand up to in my prime years, so I’m happy I finally took this stand and I’m telling you to not be afraid to walk away when it’s not right,” he continued. “Love is a beautiful thing when it is with the right person. When that person isn’t leading you on, and he or she is TRUE TO YOU.”
Anthony adds that he still loves his longtime partner and wishes him the best. Earlier this year, the former couple and their three children were featured in Nikon’s I Am Generation campaign. The corporation has since commented on the news of Anthony and Lewis’ breakup.
“We are aware of the news and wish the best to Kordale, Kaleb and their entire family. We were happy to have them participate in our campaign and there were no plans to extend marketing efforts with any of the featured participants,” a spokesperson for Nikon told Page Six.
We’re shocked by Anthony’s revelation, but we wish them well.
What is it about past romantic relationships that can cause us to wonder “What if?” “What if we never broke up?” “What if we worked through our struggles?” “What if I would have spoken up sooner instead of becoming resentful?” “What if I let him/her know how important they were to me?” “What if they were the one?”
We can be progressing in our lives, but during a moment of reflection, it can stop us and make us begin to fixate on a past companion. This probably wouldn’t be that big of a deal if it didn’t seem as though our mind was starting to play tricks on us.
We begin to think about all of the good times, the cuddles, the kisses, the moments that made us feel loved and wanted. After awhile, it can make us put that past person on a pedestal. We begin to forget the wrongs, question our judgment and then get lost in the desire that we redevelop for that person.
You’re not alone. It happens to everyone, but I’m here to help you out. Right when you begin to feel as though you’re yearning for someone from your past, try to remember the following things:
Be objective – There’s something about past love that encourages us to put our rose-colored glasses on while thinking about the good times. However, you need to take those off and look at things with 20/20 vision. Yes, you might not have done everything perfectly; but in all honesty, neither did your ex. You were two imperfect people who just happened not to be perfect together, and that’s okay.
Appreciate the good – I’ve had some exes who did very repulsive things, but there are moments that I did share with them that I still occasionally cherish. Why? Those moments were special. On top of that, it reminds me that if I ever do decide to venture back into the dating pool, though those moments were significant, I can always have them with someone else.
Remember those times, and just use them as a measure of the things that you will really appreciate in the future. Learn from them, and discover the things that were important to you. But know that you can always get them from someone else down the line. The good times don’t stop rolling just because that relationship ended.
But remember the bad – In the same sense, it’s not good to dwell on the past, but it’s good to learn from it. Sometimes when we think too fondly of exes, we forget the reasons why we broke up with them (or vice versa) in the first place.
Maybe they didn’t respect you. Maybe you two argued too much. Maybe you were at two separate places in your lives, and it caused a rift.
Use those bad times as a measure of how you deserve to be treated in the next relationship. You have standards for a reason, and that past relationship showed you the things you liked, and the things that you didn’t appreciate. Just keep those mental reminders around when you begin to lust over the person from your past who wasn’t as perfect as you remember them to be.
Now, I know a few happy couples who broke up for a period but got back together and have stayed together for years. However, they were able to confront their past mistakes, accept their flaws, and work together to have a better union than before. But, a good way to do that is to avoid erasing the sins from the past; instead, learn and grow from them.
Kendra Koger is taking her own advice and occasionally tweeting @kkoger.
Another one bites the dust…
For the last seven months I thought I was blissfully happy. I’ve come to realize I was at best blissfully naïve. My former coworker whom I’d taken as an unexpected suitor turned out to be less than a frog. My shiny prince was actually a master deceptor, plucking my heart strings, and playing to my trust. It goes without saying I feel like a complete fool, and even as I sit here typing these words my head is still reeling.
The questions swirling in my mind are why? and what was the point?!
I will never understand the lengths habitual liars go to, all to satisfy their own selfish needs. Everything I thought I’d known about my man and our relationship came crashing down within minutes of a basic Google search.
Now don’t go thinking I’m a crazy stalker, but if someone you cared for seemingly disappeared for an extended amount of time, wouldn’t you do some research?
It began with a social media page I found, I can still hear the disdain for the top trending networking sites when he told me he had no social media. He told me how an ex had been using Facebook to cheat and after that he was over it all. In retrospect, if that scenario even happened I’m sure it was him who was the perpetrator. As I perused his page more and more lies began to reveal themselves. I was bewildered and nauseated. Even now finding the words to describe what I feel is like trying to pull oneself out of quicksand. It is scary to think that behind what seemed genuine sincerity was emptiness.
As days go by, moments and conversations rewind in my mind shedding new light on the man I thought I just might spend forever with. I have so many questions, and so many things I want to say, but I know it will yield no fruit worth the harvest. The commitment, time and energy it takes to lie for seven months indicates an undying dedication to our manufactured realities which was and remains far more important than I.
What’s most devastating of all is feeling robbed of the ability to trust myself. Not once did I ever feel the need to question him in a suspicious or an accusatory way.
Even though the break up was a mystery, another one bites the dust, and I’m back at square one. I obviously have a thing for pathological liars, and I need to figure out why. This dude was the opposite of everything I usually go for, and still somehow I struck out. admittedly in the past I’ve been the overly hopeful romantic, overlooking major flaws and running red lights in an effort to make a relationship something it could never be, however this time around I felt at ease. I didn’t feel anxiety for the future like I have in the past. I called myself taking things as they were, but what I perceived to be my reality was merely an illusion. To this day I have no answers or clear picture of what was really going on, but I’ve resolved that sometimes no closure is closure.
You can always learn something from a breakup. And while bickering and backbiting always make headlines, these celebrities and their exes have been keeping it civil and mature. They’re giving us all a few tips on how to learn and move forward from a breakup.
I was one of those overly dramatic, overly sensitive worry-wart kids. So naturally, I spent countless hours sittin’ up in my room (shout out to Brandy) listening to love songs. I used to shed real tears I would be so caught up. If nothing else, I was passionate.
Dru Hill, with Nokio’s expert writing abilities, Jazz’s impeccable upper register and Sisqo’s heartfelt delivery, were one of my favorites. Real, ride-or-die Dru Hill fans know that on their 1998 album Enter the Dru, they have a song called “What Do I Do With The Love.”
For those who aren’t familiar, the song is about the end of a relationship. The members of the group harmonize about what they’re supposed to do with the love they anticipated giving to their now estranged partner. At 11 years old, I didn’t know anything about love but I thought the concept was fascinating. (Diane Warren is a beast wit it.) But seriously, what do you do with the love? It’s an energy, a force, it certainly can’t just evaporate.
It wasn’t until years later that I came to understand that Diane and Dru Hill were absolutely right, when you love someone, even after a relationship ends, the love is still there. Not in an ‘I want you back’ kind of way. But rather in a ‘I wish you well and please know that even though we shouldn’t, can’t, and won’t be together; somewhere out there, on a spiritual plane, there is love for you.’
Saying that spiritual plane part might creep some folks out, so you might be looking to send other signals to let them know the love is out there. Something like a “Happy Birthday Text.”
We know it well, right ladies?
Now before you start making assumptions, I’m not talking about the let me send this happy birthday to see if he’s still feeling me. I’m talking about the ‘since you played a significant role in my life, let me acknowledge the day you entered into the world’ type of happy birthday text.
Still, it’s hard to communicate that message with a simple Happy Birthday. The phrase can be interpreted many ways. It can, as many of you may have assumed, read like an invitation, a way to gauge interest or strike up conversation after a year of ghost. Because the phrase is so loaded, it’s the reason we women–or at least I–agonized over sending that text last year.
I’m almost ashamed to say that I debated for weeks about whether or not to send the text to someone I’ll call an “ex.”
When the day finally came around, I, sitting on my toilet where all the good thinking happens, decided to send the text hastily. He responded promptly. Thanking me, asking me a off-topic question about my family, and that was it.
And after the brief exchange I felt relieved and mentally scolded myself for being #teamtoomuch.
But…when my birthday rolled around 3 months later, I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel a bit of anxious expectancy waiting for that same ‘Happy Birthday’ text. And I would also be lying if I said I didn’t feel some type of way when it never came.
This time I thought, ‘Daaang! For real, you ain’t got no love for me somewhere in the universe homie?!’
I’ll spare y’all all of the details; but long story short, having known this dude since I was 13-years-old in middle school, I thought for sure we’d be able to maintain a semblance of friendship. You know the kind where we text a few times a year on holidays. But curving me on my birthday, let me know, without a shadow of a doubt, that was not about to happen.
And in a few months when dude’s birthday rolls around again, I will not be sending that SMS. (The fact that he didn’t have an iPhone–and didn’t want one–was just one of the reasons we couldn’t seem to make it work.) Ultimately, I know love is a spiritual thang and I shouldn’t have had any expectations; but reciprocity is real important in the practical space, and this wasn’t the first time it’s been an issue in the course of our relationship. Still, mad love… I’ll just send a birthday shout into the universe and hope he knows it’s out there if he ever needs it.
I’ve learned my lesson with this particular one; but I wanted to ask you all if a relationship ends with no bad blood, do you wish your exes happy birthday? Why or why not?
Last month, my sister’s ex boyfriend of four or five years got engaged. I saw the Facebook announcement before she did. My initial reaction was numbness, then a little resentment and finally resolve. Good for him. But in the midst of all those rapid fire emotions, I was asking myself, Does my sister know? How will she feel? Should I tell her or wait for her to find out on her own?
I called my parents to see what they would suggest.
They were much calmer about it than I was.
My dad: Tell her!
My mom: I bet you she won’t care.
I walked into my sister’s room and lead with a bit of small talk before I finally asked her, “Have you seen _________’s Facebook page?”
“No, why? What’s up?”
I softened my voice, bracing for impact.
“He got engaged.”
My sister, without missing a single beat, “Good for him.”
In my mind, a lot of things could have happened. She could have gotten angry, cried, screamed, shrugged her shoulders in mock nonchalance; but this contentment, this calm I hadn’t anticipated.
“Oh, you’re really good, huh?”
“Yeah gurl, I told you I’ve released him.”
I love and am proud of my sister everyday, but particularly in that moment. Hell, she was taking this better than I had and I didn’t even date the dude. Seeing that my sister was cool with it, I realized that I should naturally adopt her attitude of contented acceptance. Not only because if she could do it, I could do it. But also because it was just the right attitude to have.
No doubt ______ put my sister, my love, through some thangs. And on the surface level, it would seem that this new girl…excuse me… his fiancée, is benefitting from the fruits of my sister’s labor. Honestly, when my sister and ______ started dating, he lacked direction, spiritually, professionally etc. But now, his businesses are flourishing, he was recently baptized and, from the looks of things and the step he’s about to take, he seems like he’s grown into a better man, and consequently a better partner for his fiancée.
Real talk, and not to sound cocky or arrogant, ______’s fiancée owes my sister a debt of gratitude. What we didn’t know at the time was that the work my sister and really my entire family put into knowing and loving ______ were going to be passed on for another woman to enjoy. In the beginning of that realization, it was hard to accept and even understand such a concept. But once my sister and eventually my family got to the place of contented acceptance, it was actually quite nice to see that no, the time devoted to the relationship wasn’t wasted. She, we and most importantly God helped someone grow and develop as a man. And even though my sister wasn’t meant to be with the version of the man she helped mold, helping someone is never a waste of time.
Watching my sister go through this ordeal with her ex and his future wife reaffirmed for me that notion that as women, even when we don’t know each other, we are all each other’s sisters. We have to think more seriously about the ways in which we regard and treat other women, either directly or indirectly.
In this misogynistic, self driven society, it’s easy to slip into dangerous behaviors like talking to, texting or sexing someone else’s man. Sometimes it doesn’t even have to be that foul. Knowing only one side of the story, we regard our partners’ exes as “bitches,” just because. But we owe each other more than that. Not to be all kum ba yah, but we are all closely connected. Far too often our behavior affects the lives of other women, whether it’s woman-to-woman or woman-to man-to new woman. We’ve all dated the dude who’s just been dogged by a woman and believes that all women are the devil. That first woman, his ex, in the mistreatment of the man, is making this new woman’s life hell. And we’ve all seen women who are suspicious of every person with a vagina, who breathes the same air as her man. Somewhere along the line, a woman– but perhaps maybe just a low down man,– made it impossible for her to trust other women. Our actions in this world rarely affect just one or two people. They ripple out; and because karma is real, they ripple back too. For that reason alone, we should never seek to betray or berate another woman. Because you never know who you might owe a thank you card.