All Articles Tagged "breakups"
I was one of those overly dramatic, overly sensitive worry-wart kids. So naturally, I spent countless hours sittin’ up in my room (shout out to Brandy) listening to love songs. I used to shed real tears I would be so caught up. If nothing else, I was passionate.
Dru Hill, with Nokio’s expert writing abilities, Jazz’s impeccable upper register and Sisqo’s heartfelt delivery, were one of my favorites. Real, ride-or-die Dru Hill fans know that on their 1998 album Enter the Dru, they have a song called “What Do I Do With The Love.”
For those who aren’t familiar, the song is about the end of a relationship. The members of the group harmonize about what they’re supposed to do with the love they anticipated giving to their now estranged partner. At 11 years old, I didn’t know anything about love but I thought the concept was fascinating. (Diane Warren is a beast wit it.) But seriously, what do you do with the love? It’s an energy, a force, it certainly can’t just evaporate.
It wasn’t until years later that I came to understand that Diane and Dru Hill were absolutely right, when you love someone, even after a relationship ends, the love is still there. Not in an ‘I want you back’ kind of way. But rather in a ‘I wish you well and please know that even though we shouldn’t, can’t, and won’t be together; somewhere out there, on a spiritual plane, there is love for you.’
Saying that spiritual plane part might creep some folks out, so you might be looking to send other signals to let them know the love is out there. Something like a “Happy Birthday Text.”
We know it well, right ladies?
Now before you start making assumptions, I’m not talking about the let me send this happy birthday to see if he’s still feeling me. I’m talking about the ‘since you played a significant role in my life, let me acknowledge the day you entered into the world’ type of happy birthday text.
Still, it’s hard to communicate that message with a simple Happy Birthday. The phrase can be interpreted many ways. It can, as many of you may have assumed, read like an invitation, a way to gauge interest or strike up conversation after a year of ghost. Because the phrase is so loaded, it’s the reason we women–or at least I–agonized over sending that text last year.
I’m almost ashamed to say that I debated for weeks about whether or not to send the text to someone I’ll call an “ex.”
When the day finally came around, I, sitting on my toilet where all the good thinking happens, decided to send the text hastily. He responded promptly. Thanking me, asking me a off-topic question about my family, and that was it.
And after the brief exchange I felt relieved and mentally scolded myself for being #teamtoomuch.
But…when my birthday rolled around 3 months later, I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel a bit of anxious expectancy waiting for that same ‘Happy Birthday’ text. And I would also be lying if I said I didn’t feel some type of way when it never came.
This time I thought, ‘Daaang! For real, you ain’t got no love for me somewhere in the universe homie?!’
I’ll spare y’all all of the details; but long story short, having known this dude since I was 13-years-old in middle school, I thought for sure we’d be able to maintain a semblance of friendship. You know the kind where we text a few times a year on holidays. But curving me on my birthday, let me know, without a shadow of a doubt, that was not about to happen.
And in a few months when dude’s birthday rolls around again, I will not be sending that SMS. (The fact that he didn’t have an iPhone–and didn’t want one–was just one of the reasons we couldn’t seem to make it work.) Ultimately, I know love is a spiritual thang and I shouldn’t have had any expectations; but reciprocity is real important in the practical space, and this wasn’t the first time it’s been an issue in the course of our relationship. Still, mad love… I’ll just send a birthday shout into the universe and hope he knows it’s out there if he ever needs it.
I’ve learned my lesson with this particular one; but I wanted to ask you all if a relationship ends with no bad blood, do you wish your exes happy birthday? Why or why not?
Last month, my sister’s ex boyfriend of four or five years got engaged. I saw the Facebook announcement before she did. My initial reaction was numbness, then a little resentment and finally resolve. Good for him. But in the midst of all those rapid fire emotions, I was asking myself, Does my sister know? How will she feel? Should I tell her or wait for her to find out on her own?
I called my parents to see what they would suggest.
They were much calmer about it than I was.
My dad: Tell her!
My mom: I bet you she won’t care.
I walked into my sister’s room and lead with a bit of small talk before I finally asked her, “Have you seen _________’s Facebook page?”
“No, why? What’s up?”
I softened my voice, bracing for impact.
“He got engaged.”
My sister, without missing a single beat, “Good for him.”
In my mind, a lot of things could have happened. She could have gotten angry, cried, screamed, shrugged her shoulders in mock nonchalance; but this contentment, this calm I hadn’t anticipated.
“Oh, you’re really good, huh?”
“Yeah gurl, I told you I’ve released him.”
I love and am proud of my sister everyday, but particularly in that moment. Hell, she was taking this better than I had and I didn’t even date the dude. Seeing that my sister was cool with it, I realized that I should naturally adopt her attitude of contented acceptance. Not only because if she could do it, I could do it. But also because it was just the right attitude to have.
No doubt ______ put my sister, my love, through some thangs. And on the surface level, it would seem that this new girl…excuse me… his fiancée, is benefitting from the fruits of my sister’s labor. Honestly, when my sister and ______ started dating, he lacked direction, spiritually, professionally etc. But now, his businesses are flourishing, he was recently baptized and, from the looks of things and the step he’s about to take, he seems like he’s grown into a better man, and consequently a better partner for his fiancée.
Real talk, and not to sound cocky or arrogant, ______’s fiancée owes my sister a debt of gratitude. What we didn’t know at the time was that the work my sister and really my entire family put into knowing and loving ______ were going to be passed on for another woman to enjoy. In the beginning of that realization, it was hard to accept and even understand such a concept. But once my sister and eventually my family got to the place of contented acceptance, it was actually quite nice to see that no, the time devoted to the relationship wasn’t wasted. She, we and most importantly God helped someone grow and develop as a man. And even though my sister wasn’t meant to be with the version of the man she helped mold, helping someone is never a waste of time.
Watching my sister go through this ordeal with her ex and his future wife reaffirmed for me that notion that as women, even when we don’t know each other, we are all each other’s sisters. We have to think more seriously about the ways in which we regard and treat other women, either directly or indirectly.
In this misogynistic, self driven society, it’s easy to slip into dangerous behaviors like talking to, texting or sexing someone else’s man. Sometimes it doesn’t even have to be that foul. Knowing only one side of the story, we regard our partners’ exes as “bitches,” just because. But we owe each other more than that. Not to be all kum ba yah, but we are all closely connected. Far too often our behavior affects the lives of other women, whether it’s woman-to-woman or woman-to man-to new woman. We’ve all dated the dude who’s just been dogged by a woman and believes that all women are the devil. That first woman, his ex, in the mistreatment of the man, is making this new woman’s life hell. And we’ve all seen women who are suspicious of every person with a vagina, who breathes the same air as her man. Somewhere along the line, a woman– but perhaps maybe just a low down man,– made it impossible for her to trust other women. Our actions in this world rarely affect just one or two people. They ripple out; and because karma is real, they ripple back too. For that reason alone, we should never seek to betray or berate another woman. Because you never know who you might owe a thank you card.
As cuffing season is about to come to a close, and Valentine’s Day just whisked by (I hardly even noticed!) the thought of relationships is still at the forefront of some folks’ minds. But relationships are more about timing and knowing when you’re not ready to get back on that dating horse. So here are some signs to assess if you’re up for the task.
I have a very complicated history with music. Like most people, I’ve always loved it, and been drawn to it. However, my mother did what she could to keep music away from us.
It wasn’t because she was kill-joy. It was the fact that she was a health educator for the school district that we went to, and there were too many times that some of the kids in the different schools (and even in my elementary class) would come to her facility with issues about intercourse.
So my mother put a moratorium on music, to the point that when she was driving, we couldn’t even listen to gospel music (because at that time, Kirk Franklin was turning old secular songs to Christian ones, and she was against it), we listened to sermons.
My father, not wanting us to be the “weirdo kids” who didn’t know what was going on in pop culture, but could recite a Kenneth Hagin sermon from beginning to end, would sneak us music (but if we got caught with it, we were on our own).
Though my mother is less strict on music (because we’re all grown, and what can she do?!) I hold certain music very close to me. I don’t know if it’s because I feel like it might get taken away, or what, but once I have “a song,” I like to keep it.
The problem that came with that, is when I would date, I would share some of my favorite songs with my guys (and vice versa). Those songs would be the soundtrack to late-night chilling sessions in dorms, cuddling moments, and cruising around in my small Hyundai because we didn’t have any money to go anywhere, but we wanted to hang out anyway.
But once those relationships ended, I couldn’t listen to those songs anymore.
This became even more evident when I had an urge to listen to Usher’s “There Goes My Baby” on Youtube and couldn’t even make it to the “turn the lights on” part. I knew that that song in particular was going to be hard to reclaim, because that was the song my ex-husband dedicated to me, but geez-louise, I still wanted to hear it.
It wasn’t until I looked at the selection of “Suggested Videos” on the side of my Youtube browser that I was confronted with my “Love Song Graveyard.”
There were so many songs that gave me a pang in my heart just looking at their titles. It wasn’t like I still had feelings for the guys who I listened to the songs with, but I guess I just didn’t want to be reminded of what didn’t last.
However, I’m incredibly stubborn, and figured that I need to get over this.
First, I realized that I never really confronted my feelings on each situation. Once the relationship was over, I just moved on with my life. You should do that; but for me, that included ignoring my feelings completely. I never had a time to just marinate in what I was feeling. So, I gave myself some time to think it over.
It wasn’t in an attempt to wallow, but to acknowledge whatever feelings I’d been suppressing.
Second, by thinking about it, I realized that though the relationships didn’t work, it didn’t mean that I was losing out on anything. For some reason, thinking back on the relationships allowed me to remove the emotions from them, and I was able to see them in black and white. Relationships begin, and some of them end, but that’s just life.
Finally, once I had an objective view of those past relationships, I was able to reclaim some of my favorite songs! Being objective helped me to able to separate the emotions that were tied to the song, and just enjoy them.
The end of a relationship can be hard, but that doesn’t mean that you need to end your relationships with your favorite music, restaurant, or gym. Whenever you feel ready, you can reclaim your favorite things, no matter what the emotions are that’s attached to them.
Trust me, my world has become a lot more musical of a late, and I couldn’t be happier.
Kendra Koger is gently bobbing her head, while occasionally tweeting @kkoger.
Thou shalt not do any of this when it’s over — or you’ll find yourself in relationship purgatory.
Thou Shalt Not Drunk Dial
Hand your phone to a friend before you start doing shots — unless you want to wake up right back where you started.
By Amanda Chatel, From YourTango
After a breakup that almost destroyed me, I took to my bed for not just days but weeks. I wasn’t just broken, but whatever is the next step worse than that, horrifically devastated, might be the most accurate explanation of the state of my mind and heart. As with anyone who’s just experienced heartbreak, I was quite sure I wouldn’t recover.
Once I was able to get out of bed, I went through the motions of being alive, as one does after such a thing. I remembered my routine: Getting up every morning, brushing my teeth, showering, and then off to work. I was moving and breathing, but I was like walking dead. The pain was just unbearable.
But time passed and everyday I grew a little bit stronger. I moved to New York City, started a new beginning, and even began dating again. I felt like I had come full circle and he was just a distant memory; a memory I assumed, or rather hoped, I’d never see again. Then one night the unfathomable happened: I ran into him. Of all the bars in all the cities in the world, there he was. It turned out that he, too, had decided New York was the place to be.
My stomach dropped. I began to shake. I couldn’t feel the ground beneath me and I was pretty sure that I was going to throw up all over the floor, any neighboring person, and myself. It was going to be a projectile vomit; the kind that comes with extreme emotional distress. I grabbed my friend’s hand to steady myself as he came walking toward me. I could not believe he was walking toward me.
We exchanged pleasantries; I guess that’s what one would call them, and he asked about my family and I asked about his. I commented on the weather because it had been a hot summer and he commented on the length of my hair. I also ordered another drink, because, dammit, I needed one.
As I proceeded to get tipsier, the fear and nervousness began to melt. I was able to laugh and the comfort level we had between us was back again, although it had been almost two years. I realized, although I missed him and always would, I was in the process of moving on from him, despite the nausea and trembling earlier in the evening. I felt good, to be honest. So, when he asked me to go home with him, I did. Because OF COURSE, I did. I thought I could somehow prove even more to myself that I was over him and, in my mind, having sex seemed like the best way to really solidify that. Yes, at the time, it was a drunken idea, but some of the best decisions we make come out of a bottle of whiskey.
Read more about breakups at YourTango.com
The only thing worse than the breakup itself are the conversations you have after it. When things don’t end with a clean break, things get crazy quick. Lets all take a moment to laugh at the dumb stuff exes say when it’s finally over.
I Talked To Your Mother The Other Day
There is nothing like the relationship that just won’t end. Your relationship is over but he’s still talking to your mother and Facebooking your sister.
Over the weekend, it was announced that Nicole Murphy and Michael Strahan ended their five-year engagement. As it turns out, the Hollywood couple felt that their relationship could no longer thrive with the two of them living on opposite sides of the country.
“They love each other very much, but with the distance and work schedule it has been hard to maintain their relationship,” a rep confirmed to People.
Although Michael and Nicole decided to end their engagement several weeks ago, sources say that Michael was completely blindsided by Nicole’s recent announcement. We found it to be pretty ironic that the split was announced just before Michael was scheduled to be inducted into the NFL Hall of Fame and according to TMZ, friends of the former Giants star don’t believe that this was coincidental.
Apparently, those close Michael have been speculating that Nicole strategically planned to announce the breakup at the same time of the induction in an effort to rain on one of the biggest moments of her ex-fiancé’s career. Sources are claiming that the breakup announcement was released while Michael was smack in the middle of receiving his yellow Hall of Fame blazer.
We wouldn’t go as far as to say that Nicole was looking to ruin Michael’s moment, but the announcement did appear calculated. Michael, however, seemed to thoroughly enjoy the weekend regardless. Ironically, he opened his speech stating, “This has been the best weekend of my life.”
What do you think? Should Nicole have held off on announcing the split?
Follow Jazmine on Twitter @JazmineDenise
Life will twist and turn while you’re dealing with a breakup. You may find yourself munching on sugary cupcakes by day and dancing on tables by night and in between these moments, deleting all your “so-in-love” photos on social media. But before you hit that “delete” button on your pictures, Toronto native Cassandra Blackwel has another option for you: Beyoncify your boyfriend! Buzzfeed reports when Blackwel broke up with her boyfriend instead of deleting every picture of them together, she photoshopped his face with the face of our Beloved Queen Bey.
Blackwel even turned her post-breakup photo project into a Tumblr page and is taking requests to Beyoncify everyone’s ex-boyfriend. She says: “It’s an ode to how much effort I put into the relationship, if you will.” In an interview will Elle Magazine Online, Blackwel said her project doubled her Twitter following and helped her forget about her break-up. Although many find her breakup recovery tactic a bit strange, Blackwel says of her project: “I think it’s doing so well because everyone can relate to it. It’s just fun and innocent I think that’s why everyone is enjoying it. I made the blog for my friends and never expected it to get like this.”
With submissions streaming in for her to Beyoncify other men, Blackwel claims the project helps alleviate the pain during any breakup period. She notes, “ If imagining yourself at your happiest with Beyoncé doesn’t help, I don’t know what will.”
Blackwel ain’t say nothing but a word!
Below you will find some pictures of Blackwel Beyoncifying her ex-boyfriend via her Beyoncify Beyonce Tumblr Page:
For more pictures, check out Beyoncify My Boyfriend. Will you be submitting a photo?
Never have we covered Bow Wow so much on this site. But the man-child’s name is hot in the streets this week…for all the wrong reasons.
Remember last week, we wrote about Bow Wow saying he was tired of making women famous? He also said that he wouldn’t put his girlfriends on Instagram until he knew they were serious about him. Well, the woman he was subliminally referencing, video vixen Ayisha Diaz, clapped back and we are here for it.
She posted this note on Instagram:
It’s more than time that someone called Bow Wow out on his nonsense. Their little relationship was so quick and kept so far under wraps that had he not posted that messy Instagram message, no one would have ever known that their situation ended. But being the kiss and tell type that he is, he posted on the gram knowing the blogs would pick it up.
And it is interesting that she is the first of Bow Wow’s string of girlfriends to speak out on his messiness, especially in light of him talking about both Ciara and Angela Simmons’ sex skills. I’m sure he might not take too kindly to the message or even receive it but I certainly wish he would learn to stop being so immature.
What do you think about Ayisha’s message to Bow Wow?