All Articles Tagged "breakups"

Post-Breakup Body On Fleek: Celebs Who Moved On From An Ex By Getting Right And Tight

September 3rd, 2015 - By Meg Butler
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Image Source: Shutterstock

Image Source: Shutterstock

What’s the best way to get back at an ex? These celebs would suggest showing him exactly what he’s missing with your post-breakup body.

Instagram Dads Kordale And Kaleb Call It Quits

July 29th, 2015 - By Jazmine Denise Rogers
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Nikon

Nikon

Unfortunately, the gay couple known as “Kordale and Kaleb,” who rose to social media stardom after a photo of the two of them styling their daughters’ hair went viral, have decided to throw in the towel. In a lengthy Instagram post Wednesday, Caleb Anthony announced that their engagement has been called off.

“No matter what, these kids will forever and always be my [heart]! My love for them will always prevail even if ‘Daddy’ and I are no longer together. Truthfully, they are the ONLY reason I’m sad or regretting my decision to leave and move on,” Anthony shared in the statement.

It’s unclear specifically what caused the broken engagement, but it appears that the split is not an amicable one. Several times in the statement, Anthony accuses Lewis of disrespecting him and their relationship—including during their recent vacation to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.

“I cannot sit here and act like I was not part of the demise of ‘KordalenKaleb,’ but at no point do I or anyone else deserve to be disrespected the way I was and to continue it on while we’re together as a family on vacation,” Anthony shared.

“I don’t want to be fifty-five resenting myself and my relationship for shit I was not man enough to stand up to in my prime years, so I’m happy I finally took this stand and I’m telling you to not be afraid to walk away when it’s not right,” he continued. “Love is a beautiful thing when it is with the right person. When that person isn’t leading you on, and he or she is TRUE TO YOU.”

Anthony adds that he still loves his longtime partner and wishes him the best. Earlier this year, the former couple and their three children were featured in Nikon’s I Am Generation campaign. The corporation has since commented on the news of Anthony and Lewis’ breakup.

“We are aware of the news and wish the best to Kordale, Kaleb and their entire family. We were happy to have them participate in our campaign and there were no plans to extend marketing efforts with any of the featured participants,” a spokesperson for Nikon told Page Six.

We’re shocked by Anthony’s revelation, but we wish them well.

 

Beware Of Idealizing Your Exes

July 22nd, 2015 - By Kendra Koger
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 Idealizing Your Exes

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What is it about past romantic relationships that can cause us to wonder “What if?”  “What if we never broke up?”  “What if we worked through our struggles?”  “What if I would have spoken up sooner instead of becoming resentful?”  “What if I let him/her know how important they were to me?”  “What if they were the one?”

We can be progressing in our lives, but during a moment of reflection, it can stop us and make us begin to fixate on a past companion.  This probably wouldn’t be that big of a deal if it didn’t seem as though our mind was starting to play tricks on us.

We begin to think about all of the good times, the cuddles, the kisses, the moments that made us feel loved and wanted.  After awhile, it can make us put that past person on a pedestal.  We begin to forget the wrongs, question our judgment and then get lost in the desire that we redevelop for that person.

You’re not alone.  It happens to everyone, but I’m here to help you out. Right when you begin to feel as though you’re yearning for someone from your past, try to remember the following things:

Be objective – There’s something about past love that encourages us to put our rose-colored glasses on while thinking about the good times. However, you need to take those off and look at things with 20/20 vision.  Yes, you might not have done everything perfectly; but in all honesty, neither did your ex.  You were two imperfect people who just happened not to be perfect together, and that’s okay.

Appreciate the good – I’ve had some exes who did very repulsive things, but there are moments that I did share with them that I still occasionally cherish.  Why?  Those moments were special.  On top of that, it reminds me that if I ever do decide to venture back into the dating pool, though those moments were significant, I can always have them with someone else.

Remember those times, and just use them as a measure of the things that you will really appreciate in the future. Learn from them, and discover the things that were important to you. But know that you can always get them from someone else down the line.  The good times don’t stop rolling just because that relationship ended.

But remember the bad – In the same sense, it’s not good to dwell on the past, but it’s good to learn from it. Sometimes when we think too fondly of exes, we forget the reasons why we broke up with them (or vice versa) in the first place.

Maybe they didn’t respect you.  Maybe you two argued too much. Maybe you were at two separate places in your lives, and it caused a rift.

Use those bad times as a measure of how you deserve to be treated in the next relationship.  You have standards for a reason, and that past relationship showed you the things you liked, and the things that you didn’t appreciate.  Just keep those mental reminders around when you begin to lust over the person from your past who wasn’t as perfect as you remember them to be.

Now, I know a few happy couples who broke up for a period but got back together and have stayed together for years. However, they were able to confront their past mistakes, accept their flaws, and work together to have a better union than before.  But, a good way to do that is to avoid erasing the sins from the past; instead, learn and grow from them.

Kendra Koger is taking her own advice and occasionally tweeting @kkoger.

 

Dating Diary Of A Single Mom: The Break Up

May 29th, 2015 - By Rich
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Another one bites the dust…

For the last seven months I thought I was blissfully happy. I’ve come to realize I was at best blissfully naïve. My former coworker whom I’d taken as an unexpected suitor turned out to be less than a frog. My shiny prince was actually a master deceptor, plucking my heart strings, and playing to my trust. It goes without saying I feel like a complete fool, and even as  I sit here typing these words my head is still reeling.

The questions swirling in my mind are why? and what was the point?!

I will never understand the lengths habitual liars go to, all to satisfy their own selfish needs. Everything I thought I’d known about my man and our relationship came crashing down within minutes of a basic Google search.

Now don’t go thinking I’m a crazy stalker, but if someone you cared for seemingly disappeared for an extended amount of time, wouldn’t you do some research?

It began with a social media page I found, I can still hear the disdain for the top trending networking sites when he told me he had no social media. He told me how an ex had been using Facebook to cheat and after that he was over it all. In retrospect, if that scenario even happened I’m sure it was him who was the perpetrator. As I perused his page more and more lies began to reveal themselves. I was bewildered and nauseated. Even now finding the words to describe what I feel is like trying to pull oneself out of quicksand. It is scary to think that behind what seemed genuine sincerity was emptiness.

As days go by, moments and conversations rewind in my mind shedding new light on the man I thought I just might spend forever with. I have so many questions, and so many things I want to say, but I know it will yield no fruit worth the harvest. The commitment, time and energy it takes to lie for seven months indicates an undying dedication to our manufactured realities which was and remains far more important than I.

What’s most devastating of all is feeling robbed of the ability to trust myself.  Not once did I ever feel the need to question him in a suspicious or  an accusatory way.

Even though the break up was a mystery, another one bites the dust, and I’m back at square one. I obviously have a thing for pathological liars, and I need to figure out why. This dude was the opposite of everything I usually go for, and still somehow I struck out. admittedly in the past I’ve been the overly hopeful romantic, overlooking major flaws and running red lights in an effort to make a relationship something it could never be, however this time around I felt at ease. I didn’t feel anxiety for the future like I have in the past. I called myself taking things as they were, but what I perceived to be my reality was merely an illusion. To this day I have no answers or clear picture of what was really going on, but I’ve resolved that sometimes no closure is closure.

The Right Way To Move On From A Breakup: Surprisingly Civil Celebrity Exes

May 6th, 2015 - By Meg Butler
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Image Source: Shutterstock

Image Source: Shutterstock

You can always learn something from a breakup. And while bickering and backbiting always make headlines, these celebrities and their exes have been keeping it civil and mature. They’re giving us all a few tips on how to learn and move forward from a breakup.

No Love Lost: Do You Send ‘Happy Birthday’ Texts To Your Ex?

April 17th, 2015 - By Veronica Wells
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Source: Shutterstock

Source: Shutterstock

I was one of those overly dramatic, overly sensitive worry-wart kids. So naturally, I spent countless hours sittin’ up in my room (shout out to Brandy) listening to love songs. I used to shed real tears I would be so caught up. If nothing else, I was passionate.

Dru Hill, with Nokio’s expert writing abilities, Jazz’s impeccable upper register and Sisqo’s heartfelt delivery, were one of my favorites. Real, ride-or-die Dru Hill fans know that on their 1998 album Enter the Dru, they have a song called “What Do I Do With The Love.”

For those who aren’t familiar, the song is about the end of a relationship. The members of the group harmonize about what they’re supposed to do with the love they anticipated giving to their now estranged partner. At 11 years old, I didn’t know anything about love but I thought the concept was fascinating. (Diane Warren is a beast wit it.) But seriously, what do you do with the love? It’s an energy, a force, it certainly can’t just evaporate.

It wasn’t until years later that I came to understand that Diane and Dru Hill were absolutely right, when you love someone, even after a relationship ends, the love is still there. Not in an ‘I want you back’ kind of way. But rather in a ‘I wish you well and please know that even though we shouldn’t, can’t, and won’t be together; somewhere out there, on a spiritual plane, there is love for you.’

Saying that spiritual plane part might creep some folks out, so you might be looking to send other signals to let them know the love is out there. Something like a “Happy Birthday Text.”

We know it well, right ladies?

Now before you start making assumptions, I’m not talking about the let me send this happy birthday to see if he’s still feeling me. I’m talking about the ‘since you played a significant role in my life, let me acknowledge the day you entered into the world’ type of happy birthday text.

Still, it’s hard to communicate that message with a simple Happy Birthday. The phrase can be interpreted many ways. It can, as many of you may have assumed, read like an invitation, a way to gauge interest or strike up conversation after a year of ghost. Because the phrase is so loaded, it’s the reason we women–or at least I–agonized over sending that text last year.

I’m almost ashamed to say that I debated for weeks about whether or not to send the text to someone I’ll call an “ex.”

When the day finally came around, I, sitting on my toilet where all the good thinking happens, decided to send the text hastily. He responded promptly. Thanking me, asking me a off-topic question about my family, and that was it.

And after the brief exchange I felt relieved and mentally scolded myself for being #teamtoomuch.

But…when my birthday rolled around 3 months later, I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel a bit of anxious expectancy waiting for that same ‘Happy Birthday’ text. And I would also be lying if I said I didn’t feel some type of way when it never came.

This time I thought, ‘Daaang! For real, you ain’t got no love for me somewhere in the universe homie?!’

I’ll spare y’all all of the details; but long story short, having known this dude since I was 13-years-old in middle school, I thought for sure we’d be able to maintain a semblance of friendship. You know the kind where we text a few times a year on holidays. But curving me on my birthday, let me know, without a shadow of a doubt, that was not about to happen.

And in a few months when dude’s birthday rolls around again, I will not be sending that SMS. (The fact that he didn’t have an iPhone–and didn’t want one–was just one of the reasons we couldn’t seem to make it work.) Ultimately, I know love is a spiritual thang and I shouldn’t have had any expectations; but reciprocity is real important in the practical space, and this wasn’t the first time it’s been an issue in the course of our relationship. Still, mad love… I’ll just send a birthday shout into the universe and hope he knows it’s out there if he ever needs it.

I’ve learned my lesson with this particular one; but I wanted to ask you all if a relationship ends with no bad blood, do you wish your exes happy birthday? Why or why not?

Do You Owe Your Man’s Ex A Thank You Card?

April 7th, 2015 - By Veronica Wells
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Do You Owe Your Man's Ex A Thank You Card?

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Last month, my sister’s ex boyfriend of four or five years got engaged. I saw the Facebook announcement before she did. My initial reaction was numbness, then a little resentment and finally resolve. Good for him. But in the midst of all those rapid fire emotions, I was asking myself, Does my sister know? How will she feel? Should I tell her or wait for her to find out on her own? 

I called my parents to see what they would suggest.

They were much calmer about it than I was.

My dad: Tell her!

My mom: I bet you she won’t care.

Yeah, right.

I walked into my sister’s room and lead with a bit of small talk before I finally asked her, “Have you seen _________’s Facebook page?”

“No, why? What’s up?”

I softened my voice, bracing for impact.

“He got engaged.”

My sister, without missing a single beat, “Good for him.”

In my mind, a lot of things could have happened. She could have gotten angry, cried, screamed, shrugged her shoulders in mock nonchalance; but this contentment, this calm I hadn’t anticipated.

“Oh, you’re really good, huh?”

“Yeah gurl, I told you I’ve released him.”

Daaaang!

I love and am proud of my sister everyday, but particularly in that moment. Hell, she was taking this better than I had and I didn’t even date the dude. Seeing that my sister was cool with it, I realized that I should naturally adopt her attitude of contented acceptance. Not only because if she could do it, I could do it. But also because it was just the right attitude to have.

No doubt ______ put my sister, my love, through some thangs. And on the surface level, it would seem that this new girl…excuse me… his fiancée, is benefitting from the fruits of my sister’s labor. Honestly, when my sister and ______ started dating, he lacked direction, spiritually, professionally etc. But now, his businesses are flourishing, he was recently baptized and, from the looks of things and the step he’s about to take, he seems like he’s grown into a better man, and consequently a better partner for his fiancée.

Real talk, and not to sound cocky or arrogant, ______’s fiancée owes my sister a debt of gratitude. What we didn’t know at the time was that the work my sister and really my entire family put into knowing and loving ______ were going to be passed on for another woman to enjoy. In the beginning of that realization, it was hard to accept and even understand such a concept. But once my sister and eventually my family got to the place of contented acceptance, it was actually quite nice to see that no, the time devoted to the relationship wasn’t wasted. She, we and most importantly God helped someone grow and develop as a man. And even though my sister wasn’t meant to be with the version of the man she helped mold, helping someone is never a waste of time.

Watching my sister go through this ordeal with her ex and his future wife reaffirmed for me that notion that as women, even when we don’t know each other, we are all each other’s sisters. We have to think more seriously about the ways in which we regard and treat other women, either directly or indirectly.

In this misogynistic, self driven society, it’s easy to slip into dangerous behaviors like talking to, texting or sexing someone else’s man. Sometimes it doesn’t even have to be that foul. Knowing only one side of the story, we regard our partners’ exes as “bitches,” just because. But we owe each other more than that. Not to be all kum ba yah, but we are all closely connected. Far too often our behavior affects the lives of other women, whether it’s woman-to-woman or woman-to man-to new woman. We’ve all dated the dude who’s just been dogged by a woman and believes that all women are the devil. That first woman, his ex, in the mistreatment of the man, is making this new woman’s life hell. And we’ve all seen women who are suspicious of every person with a vagina, who breathes the same air as her man. Somewhere along the line, a woman– but perhaps maybe just a low down man,– made it impossible for her to trust other women. Our actions in this world rarely affect just one or two people. They ripple out; and because karma is real, they ripple back too. For that reason alone, we should never seek to betray or berate another woman. Because you never know who you might owe a thank you card.

9 Signs You’re Not Ready To Date

March 16th, 2015 - By Kendra Koger
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Corbis

Corbis

As cuffing season is about to come to a close, and Valentine’s Day just whisked by (I hardly even noticed!) the thought of relationships is still at the forefront of some folks’ minds.  But relationships are more about timing and knowing when you’re not ready to get back on that dating horse.  So here are some signs to assess if you’re up for the task.

Don’t Wait, Date!

March 12th, 2015 - By Rich
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Laides, have you ever found yourself in the throws of a breakup, shuffling between the idea of flying free and re-entering the brutal, yet, noncommittal world of dating versus settling for uniformity and familiarity to avoid the dating game all together while remaining in a state of constant misery? Yes? Well, check this out, the reality of the situation is this: tigers – the don’t change stripes. In other words, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. In short, you cannot change a man or manipulate him to do so! Of course, there are some redeeming qualities about him that you’d like to see grow into a normal pattern of behavior for him, right? Then there’s that “potential” he has. Well, guess what? You cannot marry, invest or place your faith in said “potential” and if you’ve been waiting around for months or years for a man to show you the person you see in him despite what he’s been showing you – it’s time. Cut the cord. You’re not getting any younger and you can’t wait for him to be what you need, he either is or he isn’t – period. Let’s not kid ourselves here!

So here’s the deal, ladies! Chances are, you know it’s over before it’s official to a point where you can distinctly remember the beginning of the end, right? Once you get to the point where you’ve simply had enough and you know beyond the shadow of a doubt, he’s just not the one for you. Move on … and do so swiftly!

As a rule of thumb, we know men tend to maintain a deep desire for what they can’t have. Like vultures, they repeat the arial circling, patiently stalking you until the love that you once prioritized dies. In other words, there are always men waiting in the rafters for you to become single again. You know the ones, they hit you with the “well, when he messes up with you, come holler at a real dude,” meaning himself. Then you have the guy who’s like “oh, you not allowed to have friends? What’s the harm in a coffee one morning?” There are always a few waiting, so don’t waste your time sitting at home on a Friday night singing sad love songs and drowning your sorrows with wine and fat snacks. Why? Why go into a hole about it? Get out there! Don’t wait, date! Disclaimer: If you’re a total wreck, crying uncontrollably and inconsolable, by all means, sit out for a few more weeks and get it together, pronto!

There’s just a few simple rules to follow though, ladies. So here’s the rub – you already know that men are going to test you and try to take advantage of your situation – they just can’t help themselves because they’re looking for an in. They’re going to pry and ask a slew of questions as to why you’re suddenly single and those questions are strictly off limits! No matter how bad you want a “male perspective” leave it alone. A simple, “I don’t want to talk about it” will quickly change the subject and if he’s relentless – go radio silent on him. You can show him better than you can tell him. Boom!

Another rule to adhere to – no pickups or drop offs! Not only is this a trap, it’s a setup! After a few too many, you might be feeling a little uninhibited and end up doing something you’re not mentally ready for. Find somewhere reasonably close to meet him and – arrive separate and leave separate! Girl, go home … alone!

Also, be sure to keep the first few dates a simple as possible. Go for pizza, a tapas bar, coffee, a walk in the park – something along those lines. This allows you the space to dress down and set a friendly tone versus one of romance! We’re not busting out the best dress and sexy stilettos just yet, less is more and make him work to see you all dolled up! He can wait … and he will!

Remember, we’re not jumping out there to find love or pursue a new relationship son after a breakup, we’re doing this to test the waters to a.) remember what it’s like to actually date b.) understand what it is within ourselves we should be working on in terms of relating to the opposite sex i.e, am I bitter? am I carrying excess baggage? am I seriously that far removed from the dating scene I forgot how to do this? c.) enjoy yourself in the company of a man.

Ladies, listen – trust and believe, your ex is not sitting at home crying in his cereal over you so it’s best you do the same, keep it pushing and enjoy yourself in the meantime! Don’t wait, date!

Reclaiming My Favorite Love Songs

February 20th, 2015 - By Kendra Koger
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Shutterstock

Shutterstock

 

I have a very complicated history with music.  Like most people, I’ve always loved it, and been drawn to it.  However, my mother did what she could to keep music away from us.

It wasn’t because she was kill-joy.  It was the fact that she was a health educator for the school district that we went to, and there were too many times that some of the kids in the different schools (and even in my elementary class) would come to her facility with issues about intercourse.

So my mother put a moratorium on music, to the point that when she was driving, we couldn’t even listen to gospel music (because at that time, Kirk Franklin was turning old secular songs to Christian ones, and she was against it), we listened to sermons.

My father, not wanting us to be the “weirdo kids” who didn’t know what was going on in pop culture, but could recite a Kenneth Hagin sermon from beginning to end, would sneak us music (but if we got caught with it, we were on our own).

Though my mother is less strict on music (because we’re all grown, and what can she do?!) I hold certain music very close to me.  I don’t know if it’s because I feel like it might get taken away, or what, but once I have “a song,” I like to keep it.

The problem that came with that, is when I would date, I would share some of my favorite songs with my guys (and vice versa).  Those songs would be the soundtrack to late-night chilling sessions in dorms, cuddling moments, and cruising around in my small Hyundai because we didn’t have any money to go anywhere, but we wanted to hang out anyway.

But once those relationships ended, I couldn’t listen to those songs anymore.

This became even more evident when I had an urge to listen to Usher’s “There Goes My Baby” on Youtube and couldn’t even make it to the “turn the lights on” part.  I knew that that song in particular was going to be hard to reclaim, because that was the song my ex-husband dedicated to me, but geez-louise, I still wanted to hear it.

It wasn’t until I looked at the selection of “Suggested Videos” on the side of my Youtube browser that I was confronted with my “Love Song Graveyard.”

There were so many songs that gave me a pang in my heart just looking at their titles.  It wasn’t like I still had feelings for the guys who I listened to the songs with, but I guess I just didn’t want to be reminded  of what didn’t last.

However, I’m incredibly stubborn, and figured that I need to get over this.

First, I realized that I never really confronted my feelings on each situation.  Once the relationship was over, I just moved on with my life.  You should do that; but for me, that included ignoring my feelings completely.  I never had a time to just marinate in what I was feeling.  So, I gave myself some time to think it over.

It wasn’t in an attempt to wallow, but to acknowledge whatever feelings I’d been suppressing.

Second, by thinking about it, I realized that though the relationships didn’t work, it didn’t mean that I was losing out on anything.  For some reason, thinking back on the relationships allowed me to remove the emotions from them, and I was able to see them in black and white.  Relationships begin, and some of them end, but that’s just life.

Finally, once I had an objective view of those past relationships, I was able to reclaim some of my favorite songs!  Being objective helped me to able to separate the emotions that were tied to the song, and just enjoy them.

The end of a relationship can be hard, but that doesn’t mean that you need to end your relationships with your favorite music, restaurant, or gym.  Whenever you feel ready, you can reclaim your favorite things, no matter what the emotions are that’s attached to them.

Trust me, my world has become a lot more musical of a late, and I couldn’t be happier.

Kendra Koger is gently bobbing her head, while occasionally tweeting @kkoger.