All Articles Tagged "breakups"
Sometimes, deciding whether or not to end a relationship can be incredibly hard; there is a lot of bad, but there is also still a lot of good there. But sometimes, the way a man acts after you break up with him makes it so obvious that you made the right decision. In fact, often a man has personality traits (read: flaws) and bad habits that we think we’re just misinterpreting, but once we call it quits, we realize, “Oh. Nevermind. I totally called it.” That’s because people show their true colors when they’re under stress, in pain, or put through a sudden and difficult change. A breakup certainly fits all of that criteria, doesn’t it? Some women dangerously think, “I can judge the way he’s acting—everybody acts crazy after a breakup.” No. They don’t. And this is a very important time to pay attention to how he’s acting because if it’s ugly, don’t consider taking that man back. Here is how a breakup shows a man’s true colors.
If there’s one city perfect for a Museum of Broken Relationships, it’s Los Angeles. And not just any ol’ place in the city of Angels, but Hollywood, smack dab in the middle of the city’s touristic capital where broken dreams are abound. That’s rather harsh sounding but, hey, there’s truth to it.
The newly opened museum – it opened its doors on June 4 to be exact – was initially conceptualized as a pop-up museum in Croatia by a former couple, both artists. Now the Hollywood location, which accepts (close to) all donations, is continuing what the one-time couple started. And while the term “broken relationships” calls to mind a divorce, separation or breakup of a romantic couple, the museum has several themed rooms that speak to all kinds of relationships – those with family members, friends, co-workers, the list goes on. The museum’s goal is to represent a “collective emotional history.” If you donate an item to the museum’s growing collection, your story accompanies it. What would your item and story be? Take a look at some of the current items in the Museum of Broken Relationships and tell us what you think.
The dream of being married and having children is certainly not an uncommon one. And that was certainly the case for Alisha Sims. But she wanted it to be right. And in her mid-thirties, she felt that she had finally gotten her chance. A man, who we’ll call Peter, came back into her life. The two had been friends in the late 90’s and had lost touch. But when he came back around, they both realized that maybe they could be more than friends. And as their relationships blossomed, the two made plans to get married and raise a family together.
But the order got switched up a bit. Alisha learned that she was pregnant. Still, they had their plan. They were going to get married and raise their daughter together. But plans don’t often play out as we expect. Peter increasingly found himself more and more disconnected from both his girlfriend and his child and Alisha was suffering from post postpartum depression.
Alisha tried to talk to Peter about her feelings but he had already checked out.
“It was one of those things where it was in one ear and out the other. It’s one thing not to know but not trying to know is a whole lot different. I have no problem with a person not knowing but if you’re not trying to know or show interest, then what am I supposed to do?”
The relationship was crumbling. And it all came to a head when their daughter, Mia, an infant at the time, was suffering from one of her usual night terrors.
“This one particular night, she had a bad one. And instead of [Peter] trying to help me wake her up and console her, this—I’m finna get belligerent right now— this n*gga decides he wants to yell at my baby and tell her to shut up. No, no, no! You done f*cked up. You done f*cked up. We were living together at the time. I didn’t want to go back to my mom’s house. But I’d rather put up with my momma’s stuff than having him talking to my baby like he’s crazy.”
That was it. The end of the relationship and the end of Peter playing a role in his daughter’s life. Sadly his absence, didn’t do much to help Alisha in dealing with her depression. Things only got worse from there.
“I started having thoughts about harming her. And I was kind of like, ‘Ok, maybe I’m just tired.’ But I remember specifically, very vividly, she was like 3 or 4 months old. Me, my mom, my aunt, my cousin and her children were at the mall. We were on the second level and I had this vision of me just holding her over the edge and dropping her. I was like, ‘Oh, hell no. No, no, no.’ Even though I know deep down in my heart that I wasn’t going to do anything, I’m not going to do anything to harm her. But the fact that I thought about it, told me something was wrong.”
Before that incident, with all that she was going through with her relationship with Peter, Alisha wasn’t exactly ready to accept that she might also be dealing with postpartum depression. She was still in denial about being a single parent, at 35-years old. She told herself, “I’m not supposed to be a baby’s mama. That wasn’t the plan, that wasn’t the conversation. What was happening to me was not supposed to happen.”
But eventually she came to the conclusion that she’s not a baby momma, she’s a mother. And as a mother she needed help.
She told her own mother what she was experiencing.
“It took a while for me to tell her. Because at the time me and my mom weren’t vibing like we are now. But I told her and she said she went through it with me.”
But that was the end of the conversation.
“She didn’t tell me anything. My mother is a woman of few words.”
Around the same time Alisha’s daughter was born and around the same time, she was having these disturbing thoughts, there were stories in the news about other women harming their children. In Indiana, there was a woman who tried to stop her three-year-old from crying and throwing a tantrum. She gave her son olive oil and vinegar until he stopped breathing. And instead of calling the police, she put him in a tote bag and placed his body in her closet. She kept him there for an entire year. Another woman drove off a bridge with all three of her children in the car. Alisha heard both of those stories and they scared her.
“And what shocked me was that they were Black women. We don’t harm the babies. That’s something I know Black people don’t do. And I was like ‘Yeah, that further lets me know, let me get my ass to the doctor.’ QuickLY. Quick, fast and in a hurry. I’m not finna do that. I don’t care how bad things are or what’s going on, there’s nothing that could make me do any harm to my baby. But the fact that I thought about it, that was enough for me.”
She went to the doctor. Alisha was prescribed Lexapro which she took everyday for two years until she started weaning herself off of it.
“I felt like I couldn’t function without it. I didn’t want to become a zombie. I didn’t want to become dependent on it. And when I was taking the medicine and the thoughts were less but they would still be there. Now, I’m to the point that—she’ll be six now— and I’m not having those thoughts. Or it may cross my mind but as quick as it comes, it goes away.
The only side effect I would have was, I was a little irritable. Things I wouldn’t normally trip about, I would trip over. I started taking them everyday and it was like, ‘Ok, I’m feeling better but I didn’t want to use those as a crutch.’ I wanted to get past this without the medicine. So I slowly weaned myself off of it. Last time I took some, Mia was three.
So if I feel it coming on or she’s getting on my nerves or whatever the case may be, I just have to separate myself or turn some music on. Music is therapy anyway. Or she’ll do something, she knows she’s not supposed to do and I’m feeling myself getting more upset than I should be, then I have to just walk away.”
There were also times when Alisha isolated herself from others, as a means of coping.
“It may sound bad but when I started having those thoughts, I would have to shut down. I would have to close myself off. I didn’t answer my phone. I pretended I didn’t have a phone. I would give Mia something to occupy her time, give her a bottle and put her to sleep so I could have a moment to myself to regroup. A lot of prayer helped as well.”
But Alisha wasn’t just dealing with the adjustment of raising a child, on her own. She was dealing with the Peter’s broken promises, specifically his lack of involvement with Mia. Not only did he not see his daughter, he would take pictures Alisha posted of her on Facebook and upload them onto his own profile, to make it seem like he was actually present.
“I was dealing with an idiot that just punked out. So yeah, all of that played a part in it. I was angry. I borderline hated him. I couldn’t bring myself to it because that’s not in my character to hate anybody but it came pretty close. It almost got to the point where I talked bad about him in front of her. But I’m like ‘No, I cannot do that. I’m not going to taint her image of him with my own feelings.’”
Alisha realizes now that her disappointment and disgust for Peter and her postpartum depression were two separate issues. But at the time, the two seemed blended together. And just as she worked to treat her depression, she knew she had to do the same with Peter.
“It took me a long time to forgive him. But I know if I don’t forgive him. It’s not making my situation any better.”
And with her depression, part of the healing came once she fully grasped what she was experiencing.
“The fact that I understood what was happening to me, what I was going through [changed my mindset.] It’s something that can be controlled. It’s just something that I’m going through for a minute because I’m tired and I’m always sleepy and working and going to school at the same time. It was a lot on me.”
Now, things are better. The thoughts slowly went away. What were once vivid visions became fleeting thoughts she could acknowledge and dismiss as fast as they presented themselves. And Alisha employed the strategy of finding something to distract herself from those thoughts.
Before she gave birth, Alisha didn’t take postpartum depression seriously.
“I didn’t believe the stories people were telling me about postpartum. I thought they were exaggerating, like ‘That don’t happen. Whatever!”… Made a believer outta me.”
Now, she has this advice for women who think they may be dealing with a similar issue.
“Go to the doctor as soon as possible because it could be worse than what you think it is. It’s nothing to play with. If you’re having thoughts or not feeling right, get to the doctor quick. If you don’t, the situation may end up being worse.”
In an ideal world, when you break up with someone, they simply disappear from your life never to worry you again. They aren’t around, neither a physical nor virtual presence, to drive you up the wall like they used to. However, the reality is that just as you’re moving on with your life, they’re moving on with theirs. Now, this is usually a fact of life that is relatively easy to accept — except when they move on with their lives a little bit faster than you do.
When your ex starts dating someone new, things can get uncomfortable pretty quickly. Even when you think you’re completely over your feelings, you’re not always ready to see them happily having feelings for someone new. And that can make us all act just a little bit kooky — at least for a little while. Ideally, until we meet someone wonderful we can plaster all over social media, too.
For the past few weeks now, I can’t seem to stop writing about my past relationship. Not because I miss him or us. It’s just the revelations I’m experiencing now that are too enlightening to ignore. Now that I’m out of the relationship and completely over it. (Which are two separate things.), I’m seeing so many retrospective red flags that I ignored for years and years and years. Now that I’m in an entirely different, drastically improved relationship I see how misguided I’d been in everything from my desires, the behavior that I accepted or excused and most importantly the way I allowed myself to be treated.
The signs just keep replaying in the theater of my mind, flashing back and I hardly recognize myself. And the acknowledgement of some of these memories has been everything from sad, to frustrating. But the one I’m going to share with you today, is damn near comical. I have to tell y’all that from the time I was teenager until my mid-to-late-twenties I thought I was going to marry this man, believed it even. And while I was over here, keeping the faith. I don’t know if he ever really saw that, even though, from our conversations, that’s what I thought he wanted too.
Anyway, I was in the shower this morning, recalling a particular conversation where we were talking, very casually, almost jokingly, about our future. I don’t remember if it was marriage, kids or just being in the same place at the same time. But whatever we were discussing, in the middle of it, this dude says:
“Do you like/love (I can’t remember which L word he used.) me just because I’m the closest thing you’ve had to a relationship or do you really like me?”
I remember thinking it was an odd question to ask. He was my first real, albeit long distance relationship, an old middle school flame, if you will. But still, I’d always had options and I always chose him again and again. Today, I realize there might have been some other factors behind that choice and maybe that’s what he was picking up on. I don’t know. Either way, I provided him a very honest list of reasons why I liked/loved him. And instead of us continuing to discuss this hypothetical future, dude says:
“When I think about someone like you, I see you with some tall, dark-skinned dude with dreads.”
What I should have done was ask myself why in the hell the man who said he wanted to be with me would speak about me being with someone else. But I laughed because looking at me and looking at this ex, physically you might put us together. But that’s about it. We really didn’t have all that much in common. I was interested in things he could care less about and vice-versa. But not only that, the things that I wanted to talk about, to dissect and analyze were out of reach for him. Not because he didn’t have the intellectual capacity to handle these topics but because others had told him that he couldn’t and shouldn’t. And sadly, he believed them.
I laughed because the stereotype is that people with locks are super deep, conscious, not materialistic and artsy. I laughed because as I was growing out my own dreads, living away from the Midwest city that had raised and conditioned us both, I was changing, slowly but surely. And maybe he saw that more clearly than I did at the time.
Months or maybe even a year later, I met said man. Tall, dark-skinned, locks. My ex and I were still in the midst of our long-distance, loosely defined relationship where we told each other that we had the option to see and date other people if either one of us found someone better. I said it but still, I knew that I was so preoccupied with him that if the opportunity to date someone else seriously, ever presented itself, I wouldn’t be open to it.
But I was wrong.
The meeting with this new dude, the tall, darker one, with locks, was so serendipitous, so alarming and so memorable that I actually wrote about it for the site. But before then, I told the ex about him and the guilt I felt having given him my number. And once he assured me that I shouldn’t feel guilty, that our long-distance situation sucked, I reminded him that he was just the type of man he said I should be with.
I know I laughed again. But I can’t remember if he did the same.
Fast forward to present day, after a shameful and embarrassing back and forth between the ex and the tall, dark, locked one, I finally made the right decision.
And it wasn’t until I was in the shower this morning, thinking about that clairvoyant conversation with the ex that I thought how did I miss that? How did I not realize that that relationship was never, ever going to work out? But you know you live and you learn. Plus, the signs and red flags are much more comical when you notice them years and years later.
I’ve been watching and re-watching episodes of “Sex and the City,” infuriated. Like so many fans of the show, I saw the movies. I know, after years of being played, breakups and being stood up at the altar, Carrie Bradshaw ends up with Mr. Big. But I wasn’t entirely familiar with the path that got her there in the first place. So now, knowing how it all ends, watching her choices and relationships play out is frustrating to say the least. Is there any doubt in anyone else’s mind that Aidan was the better choice?
The more I watch the show, the more apparent it becomes to me. Also, crystal clear is the fact that Carrie never really wanted anyone but Big. We’ve all been there, wanting men who are ultimately not very good for us. Our family can see it. Our friends tell us. The universe is conspiring against the union. But the heart wants what it wants. And instead of us training our hearts to choose better, we make excuses for the reasons we just “Can’t Leave ‘Em Alone.” (Note: Even that song, complete with a video of Ciara rubbing and writhing on 50 Cent, is a clear sign that you absolutely should.)
In last night’s viewing party, my sister and I watched as Carrie tried to spend some time out in the country with Aidan. Y’all know Carrie. She wasn’t about that life. And that’s cool. I know you don’t have to like everything your man likes. But when she decided to leave the country, she not only ran right back to the city, but back into the arms of Big. Now, to be clear, she wasn’t sleeping with him, the two were just having dinner. But when I saw the two of them sitting at the table, laughing and ki-ki-ing in each others’ faces, my mouth literally flew open.
I don’t want this to turn into a recap of the series, but background is important for my ultimate point. In the episode before this one, Big called Carrie’s house and left a voice message as the two were making love. This is particularly awkward considering Carried cheated on Aidan with Big. And just as they were working on rekindling their relationship, in spite of the infidelity, they were confronted by his voice during one of their most intimate moments. instead of Carrie offering to change her number, tell Big to stop calling (especially so late at night), or cut off communication with him entirely, she tells Aidan that Big is a part of her life now, that she’ll never hurt him like that again and he’ll just have to forgive her.
Can you imagine? Your partner cheats on you and instead of cutting that person off, he or she tells you that the person is essential to their life. Aidan is a better man than I woman. Because that right there would have been my cue to bounce.
And this brings me to my point. Why is it that some of us have such a hard time cutting off our exes? I’m not talking about the exes where things ended amicably and y’all recognize you’re better off as friends. I’m talking about the type of people who’ve hurt you deeply, disrespected you repeatedly or just really didn’t know how to love and treat you properly.
I know Carrie’s drama with Big and Aidan frustrates me so much because that would have and could have been me, passing up the good and decent man for the one who I had history with, who sounded good in theory, but would ultimately never work out. Thank God(!!!) I finally saw the light and exercised the “cut off” skills I’d been honing since middle school. My mother told me that when I was done, I’d be done. And she was so right.
Still, once you’ve learned and mastered a lesson, it’s hard to watch your friends and loved ones struggle with the same concept. And I’m not talking about Carrie Bradshaw. I’m talking about my friends and the women like them. Women who, instead of cutting off that Bigs in their lives, hang on, wishing, hoping, thinking and praying that things will get better.
My best friend has this problem. There is not one Big in her life. There are several. She refuses to let any of them go, choosing instead to have a readily available, constant stream of entertainment and attention at her fingertips.
The other day she texted me, asking if she should cut one of them off/end their friendship via email. On the surface the answer was obviously yes. He had lied to her, disrespected her and was never, ever going to be what she needed him to be as a friend or anything else for that matter. But I told her there was no point in sending that e-mail if she were just going to start talking to him again in a couple of months. Then her word would never be taken seriously. She didn’t send the e-mail.
My best friend is not the only one. There are so many friends and friends of friends who can’t seem to leave the Bigs alone, no matter how much God is trying to tell them something. People are literally popping up with pregnancy scares, secret criminal proclivities and entirely new relationships and these women can’t seem to do themselves the favor of kindly escorting these men all the way out of their lives.
Again, I’m not judging. I can’t. I’ve been there and was there for far too long. But again, it’s maddening to watch people, fictional characters and real life women alike dishonor themselves over and over again, chasing after men who don’t even deserve half of what they have to offer. What I’m learning, the older I become is that you can’t rush people’s development. They’ll get there when they get there. But when they finally decide to be done, I’ll be more than happy to hand these women, my friends and friends of friends, the scissors.
What exactly is ghosting? When you leave your last date and boyfriend pretending like things were fine — and then just never talk to the person again. That’s what happened to these people who shared their worst ghosting stories with the Internet.
They thought their relationships and marriages were fine. That is until their significant others dropped off of the face of the earth with no explanation why.
Has anyone ever cut out of your life with no explanation? Or have you ever opted never to call someone back when things went stale? If you’ve ever been ghosted or ghosted someone, we’d love to hear your stories in the comment section.
We often talk about the dangers of sharing too much of our lives on the internet, especially in the context of a relationship. We all have those friends who give you a blow by blow description of every milestone in their relationship and then give you a minute by minute update of how they’re handling the breakup.
There are some who, not content with the status of the relationship, push it a step further. I remember in college a good friend of got dumped by boyfriend. Months later, after he realized that he’d let a good thing slip through his fingers, he wrote an entire essay extolling her virtues, explaining how he messed up and wanted her back. He even made sure to include a picture. So all of her friends, his friends and anyone who happened to stumble across his Facebook page would see it and read about their story.
At the time I couldn’t tell if my friend liked it all that much. I’m sure a part of her was flattered but also a bit mortified with the fact that so much of her business was all over the internet, being consumed by our peers.
Personally, I just remember thinking, how manipulative. It was clear the whole reason he wrote the note was so people could applaud him for being “in touch with his feelings,” “fighting for his woman” and all those other cliches. People would, of course, read the note and see how sweet he had been and begin encouraging my friend to take him back. When no one really knew the full story of why they broke up in the first place. Conveniently, that didn’t make it into the Facebook post. All of it is very selfish and self serving. Without her permission, it put all the pressure of reconciliation on her, absolved him of any responsibility for their breakup; and worst of all, invited several third parties to comment on what should have been a private discussion.
While you might think this type of behavior would be reserved for the naive, non-celebrity types, we saw it recently when Robin Thicke went on a bit of a crusade to get his wife Paula Patton back. You know how that one turned out.
The most recent couple to go through this type of drama is Jordin Sparks and rapper Sage the Gemini.
For reasons unknown to us, the two are no longer together. And according to his Instagram page, Sage is not taking it too well.
He wrote this lengthy post, which has since been deleted, about missing his boo thang, in the hopes that she would read it and give him a call.
Can’t sit here and act industry like this shit don’t hurt me. You the only girl I can call at 3 in the morning and you’ll answer no problem. You the only girl that can wake up out of a dead sleep and get me some water because I was coughing in my sleep the only girl that loves me the way you were supposed to. I miss you to much to watch you look so amazing at the Clyde Davis party and not be able to call you and express how much I appreciated the look because you won’t answer nor text back the feeling is horrible. You see this picture?…… That’s the picture of me lookin at niggas lookin at you and givin them the eye like “wassup nigga” and you like it’s ok babe and you makin me smile and feel just Alittle more secure about it. Lol it kinda reminds me of the picture of the little lady standing in front of the hulk and being the only one that can calm him down that’s you ya know? But yea this shit is crazy i just wanna tell you I’m still being a good boy just incase you come to your senses. Valentine’s Day was supposed to be a special day I wanted that to be our anniversary because it’s your grandparents and maybe we could’ve double dated remember? Please call me back I just want like a hug and a kiss or something. Sincerely Dominic Wynn Woods
I know some of you all will read this and think it’s cute. Parts of it are. But mostly it just makes me roll my eyes. Don’t send strangers on social media to do what you couldn’t manage to do in the relationship, convince me that I needed to stay.
What do you think about an ex making a case for getting back together through social media? Would that work for you?
You would never throw salt in a wound, right? The problem with going through a breakup, however, is that you are a giant wound and the world is mostly salt. There are very few places you can go that don’t bring up good or bad memories (and even the good ones are bad now because they’re GONE!) There are very few personality types you can stand to be around who don’t make you think, “I should try to get him back. Humans are generally awful, and I didn’t know what I had!” You know how some people see life through rose-colored glasses? You’re seeing life through a toilet rim. That’s what it feels like at least. So you have to be careful where you look, and where you go. Here are the worst places to go after a breakup.