All Articles Tagged "breakups"
I’ve been watching and re-watching episodes of “Sex and the City,” infuriated. Like so many fans of the show, I saw the movies. I know, after years of being played, breakups and being stood up at the altar, Carrie Bradshaw ends up with Mr. Big. But I wasn’t entirely familiar with the path that got her there in the first place. So now, knowing how it all ends, watching her choices and relationships play out is frustrating to say the least. Is there any doubt in anyone else’s mind that Aidan was the better choice?
The more I watch the show, the more apparent it becomes to me. Also, crystal clear is the fact that Carrie never really wanted anyone but Big. We’ve all been there, wanting men who are ultimately not very good for us. Our family can see it. Our friends tell us. The universe is conspiring against the union. But the heart wants what it wants. And instead of us training our hearts to choose better, we make excuses for the reasons we just “Can’t Leave ‘Em Alone.” (Note: Even that song, complete with a video of Ciara rubbing and writhing on 50 Cent, is a clear sign that you absolutely should.)
In last night’s viewing party, my sister and I watched as Carrie tried to spend some time out in the country with Aidan. Y’all know Carrie. She wasn’t about that life. And that’s cool. I know you don’t have to like everything your man likes. But when she decided to leave the country, she not only ran right back to the city, but back into the arms of Big. Now, to be clear, she wasn’t sleeping with him, the two were just having dinner. But when I saw the two of them sitting at the table, laughing and ki-ki-ing in each others’ faces, my mouth literally flew open.
I don’t want this to turn into a recap of the series, but background is important for my ultimate point. In the episode before this one, Big called Carrie’s house and left a voice message as the two were making love. This is particularly awkward considering Carried cheated on Aidan with Big. And just as they were working on rekindling their relationship, in spite of the infidelity, they were confronted by his voice during one of their most intimate moments. instead of Carrie offering to change her number, tell Big to stop calling (especially so late at night), or cut off communication with him entirely, she tells Aidan that Big is a part of her life now, that she’ll never hurt him like that again and he’ll just have to forgive her.
Can you imagine? Your partner cheats on you and instead of cutting that person off, he or she tells you that the person is essential to their life. Aidan is a better man than I woman. Because that right there would have been my cue to bounce.
And this brings me to my point. Why is it that some of us have such a hard time cutting off our exes? I’m not talking about the exes where things ended amicably and y’all recognize you’re better off as friends. I’m talking about the type of people who’ve hurt you deeply, disrespected you repeatedly or just really didn’t know how to love and treat you properly.
I know Carrie’s drama with Big and Aidan frustrates me so much because that would have and could have been me, passing up the good and decent man for the one who I had history with, who sounded good in theory, but would ultimately never work out. Thank God(!!!) I finally saw the light and exercised the “cut off” skills I’d been honing since middle school. My mother told me that when I was done, I’d be done. And she was so right.
Still, once you’ve learned and mastered a lesson, it’s hard to watch your friends and loved ones struggle with the same concept. And I’m not talking about Carrie Bradshaw. I’m talking about my friends and the women like them. Women who, instead of cutting off that Bigs in their lives, hang on, wishing, hoping, thinking and praying that things will get better.
My best friend has this problem. There is not one Big in her life. There are several. She refuses to let any of them go, choosing instead to have a readily available, constant stream of entertainment and attention at her fingertips.
The other day she texted me, asking if she should cut one of them off/end their friendship via email. On the surface the answer was obviously yes. He had lied to her, disrespected her and was never, ever going to be what she needed him to be as a friend or anything else for that matter. But I told her there was no point in sending that e-mail if she were just going to start talking to him again in a couple of months. Then her word would never be taken seriously. She didn’t send the e-mail.
My best friend is not the only one. There are so many friends and friends of friends who can’t seem to leave the Bigs alone, no matter how much God is trying to tell them something. People are literally popping up with pregnancy scares, secret criminal proclivities and entirely new relationships and these women can’t seem to do themselves the favor of kindly escorting these men all the way out of their lives.
Again, I’m not judging. I can’t. I’ve been there and was there for far too long. But again, it’s maddening to watch people, fictional characters and real life women alike dishonor themselves over and over again, chasing after men who don’t even deserve half of what they have to offer. What I’m learning, the older I become is that you can’t rush people’s development. They’ll get there when they get there. But when they finally decide to be done, I’ll be more than happy to hand these women, my friends and friends of friends, the scissors.
What exactly is ghosting? When you leave your last date and boyfriend pretending like things were fine — and then just never talk to the person again. That’s what happened to these people who shared their worst ghosting stories with the Internet.
They thought their relationships and marriages were fine. That is until their significant others dropped off of the face of the earth with no explanation why.
Has anyone ever cut out of your life with no explanation? Or have you ever opted never to call someone back when things went stale? If you’ve ever been ghosted or ghosted someone, we’d love to hear your stories in the comment section.
We often talk about the dangers of sharing too much of our lives on the internet, especially in the context of a relationship. We all have those friends who give you a blow by blow description of every milestone in their relationship and then give you a minute by minute update of how they’re handling the breakup.
There are some who, not content with the status of the relationship, push it a step further. I remember in college a good friend of got dumped by boyfriend. Months later, after he realized that he’d let a good thing slip through his fingers, he wrote an entire essay extolling her virtues, explaining how he messed up and wanted her back. He even made sure to include a picture. So all of her friends, his friends and anyone who happened to stumble across his Facebook page would see it and read about their story.
At the time I couldn’t tell if my friend liked it all that much. I’m sure a part of her was flattered but also a bit mortified with the fact that so much of her business was all over the internet, being consumed by our peers.
Personally, I just remember thinking, how manipulative. It was clear the whole reason he wrote the note was so people could applaud him for being “in touch with his feelings,” “fighting for his woman” and all those other cliches. People would, of course, read the note and see how sweet he had been and begin encouraging my friend to take him back. When no one really knew the full story of why they broke up in the first place. Conveniently, that didn’t make it into the Facebook post. All of it is very selfish and self serving. Without her permission, it put all the pressure of reconciliation on her, absolved him of any responsibility for their breakup; and worst of all, invited several third parties to comment on what should have been a private discussion.
While you might think this type of behavior would be reserved for the naive, non-celebrity types, we saw it recently when Robin Thicke went on a bit of a crusade to get his wife Paula Patton back. You know how that one turned out.
The most recent couple to go through this type of drama is Jordin Sparks and rapper Sage the Gemini.
For reasons unknown to us, the two are no longer together. And according to his Instagram page, Sage is not taking it too well.
He wrote this lengthy post, which has since been deleted, about missing his boo thang, in the hopes that she would read it and give him a call.
Can’t sit here and act industry like this shit don’t hurt me. You the only girl I can call at 3 in the morning and you’ll answer no problem. You the only girl that can wake up out of a dead sleep and get me some water because I was coughing in my sleep the only girl that loves me the way you were supposed to. I miss you to much to watch you look so amazing at the Clyde Davis party and not be able to call you and express how much I appreciated the look because you won’t answer nor text back the feeling is horrible. You see this picture?…… That’s the picture of me lookin at niggas lookin at you and givin them the eye like “wassup nigga” and you like it’s ok babe and you makin me smile and feel just Alittle more secure about it. Lol it kinda reminds me of the picture of the little lady standing in front of the hulk and being the only one that can calm him down that’s you ya know? But yea this shit is crazy i just wanna tell you I’m still being a good boy just incase you come to your senses. Valentine’s Day was supposed to be a special day I wanted that to be our anniversary because it’s your grandparents and maybe we could’ve double dated remember? Please call me back I just want like a hug and a kiss or something. Sincerely Dominic Wynn Woods
I know some of you all will read this and think it’s cute. Parts of it are. But mostly it just makes me roll my eyes. Don’t send strangers on social media to do what you couldn’t manage to do in the relationship, convince me that I needed to stay.
What do you think about an ex making a case for getting back together through social media? Would that work for you?
You would never throw salt in a wound, right? The problem with going through a breakup, however, is that you are a giant wound and the world is mostly salt. There are very few places you can go that don’t bring up good or bad memories (and even the good ones are bad now because they’re GONE!) There are very few personality types you can stand to be around who don’t make you think, “I should try to get him back. Humans are generally awful, and I didn’t know what I had!” You know how some people see life through rose-colored glasses? You’re seeing life through a toilet rim. That’s what it feels like at least. So you have to be careful where you look, and where you go. Here are the worst places to go after a breakup.
Earlier today, TMZ reported that Ciara filed a $15 million dollar against her ex-fiancé, Future, for slander and libel. The suit stems from some of the awful comments the rapper made about the singer’s mothering skills after their August 2014 breakup, including his tweets from last month in which he accused her of keeping him from their son.
“This b-tch got control problems … I gotta go through lawyers to see baby future … the f—ery for 15k a month,” he tweeted.
In addition to requesting $15 million in damages, Ciara wants the tweets deleted and a judge to prohibit the rapper from speaking on personal family matters relating to their son.
Within minutes of the news breaking, Ciara became a trending topic on Twitter. And honestly, I was quite surprised by how many people attacked her for her decision to settle their issues in court. Some even implied that the single mom is bitter and not really over her ex.
Ciara got a whole Franchise QB boyfriend but want Futures 15 million. Smh
— Kuu Boy (@LakuLoveem) February 9, 2016
if Ciara so "happy" with her "good man" why she worried bout what future got to say why she even listening to his music??¿¿
— JayZOverrated (@JayZOverrated) February 9, 2016
I don’t know this woman’s life, and none of us really know if she is still holding a torch for Future or not, but I highly doubt that this is motivating her to sue him.With the exception of that breakup song, “I Bet,” think we can all agree that Ciara has tried to take the high road in this situation, but playing nice has only turned Future into a bully who believes that he can say anything about her without consequence. I mean, clearly his maturity level isn’t permitting them to handle their business privately like adults, so why not let a judge settle it? Is she just supposed to sit around while someone attempts to publicly humiliate her and taint her good name? I think not.
To immediately assume that Ciara, a public figure, is bitter for choosing to defend herself in court (instead of on Twitter) against someone who is attacking her character, ex-fiancé or not, is both childish and basic.
What are your thoughts on this situation?
(As told to Veronica Wells)
Our breakup was so 21st century. It didn’t happen over the telephone but instead, over Skype. And after five years and a couple of “breaks” before, the brief speech he delivered, after a full two hours of conversation, just left me feeling numb. I did everything short of shrug. I simply said “Ok Kenneth.”
He, at times shockingly honest, said, “I thought you would be more…hurt by all of this.”
I told him I was too tired to be hurt. We said goodbye and closed my computer screen.
A month later, I saw that he had a new girlfriend. Obviously a pretty serious one as she was spending the holidays with his family. A family I had come to know and love over the years. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that there was some overlap. But like I said, I was just over it. There was no need to confront, get upset or rehash. What was done was done. And that’s exactly what we were. He just might not have been completely honest about the reasons why.
Anyway, by the time the spring rolled around Kenneth was reaching out to me via e-mail. He wanted to provide clarification. He said if I had any questions about the reasons why and how our relationship ended, he would be happy to answer them. I told him I didn’t have any questions. The reasons really didn’t matter. In my heart and in my mind I knew that there was overlap or at least inappropriate conversations and flirtation before our relationship was officially over. So I didn’t need his confirmation. I told him I wished him the best and even suggested that, out of respect for his new girlfriend, he stop talking to me. He said he had a conversation with new boo. There was an understanding that I would always be in his life, as a friend.
I thought, “I know you lyin!”
I typed: “That’s very selfish of you Kenneth. There’s a good chance that she, as your new girlfriend, doesn’t feel comfortable with you talking to your old one. And if you care about her, you shouldn’t want her to feel uncomfortable and insecure. We’ll always love each other but we don’t have to communicate anymore.”
And for a full year that did enough to keep him away. After that though, he did reach out to my family members, to tell them how much they’d meant in his life. It was heartfelt and sincere and my family appreciated it. A few weeks after that, he sent me a message saying much of the same. He also apologized for the way he handled things. Not explaining what those things were.
I accepted the apology.
A few months after that I learned that he and new boo were engaged.
My sister saw the news first and was worried about telling me, thinking I was going to have some type of breakdown about my loss love. I told her no. Everything was good. I was happy for him even and I hoped he could be better to her than he was to me.
In fact, I was so happy about the changes he’d made in several areas of his life that I felt compelled to tell him that I was proud of him. I checked with his mother first to make sure it was ok and then I sent him an e-mail telling him so. And that was it.
The two got married this past November and just last week, I got another message from Kenneth. He was reaching out to apologize again. He told me that had a dream about me and took that as a sign that he needed to reach out and apologize…again.
I thanked him again and told him that I’d already forgiven him and I wished him the best…again.
I ran all of this by my family members and my sister seems to think that he’s still apologizing, even now that he’s married, because he’s still holding on to some residual guilt. My brother seems to believe that he’s not entirely over me and is looking for any excuse to contact me. I don’t necessarily believe that’s the case. I would hope not. Plus, I think he’s happy with his wife.
Personally, I feel sorry for him that he can’t forgive himself. I think that it is an admirable quality to apologize when you do someone wrong as opposed to going on about your life. It shows growth. I just want him to forgive himself and let it be a lesson learned honestly.
He knows he didn’t behave as well as he should have. And even though he’s moved on in virtually every area of his life, the guilt is still plaguing him. If that’s not a cautionary tale, for men and women, to treat people properly, even in the midst of a breakup, I don’t know what is.
When you’ve been in a serious relationship with someone for a long time, it’s natural for you to be “in” with their family. Their mother becomes your mother; their pesky siblings become your pain-in-the-butt siblings, and their friends become your best buds forever. So what happens when you and your beau hit Itsoverville and decide to go your separate ways?
If you guys ended on a good note, then you’ve probably opted to remain cordial with your now-ex, maybe even friends. So continuing to hang out with his favorite cousin on the weekends or going on those sporadic shopping sprees with his baby sis’ won’t be so complicated. However, if you and your old boo are now each other’s worst nightmares, then this is a whole other bowl of lumped-up gravy.
A bad breakup can not only make you look at him differently, but his family too. Being all up in his mom’s, pop’s, uncles’ and aunties’ faces will be a constant reminder of (“ilk” face) him. And just when you think things can’t get any more vomit-inducing, you start to hear those, “So when are you and my brother getting back together?” or “So, umm…have you spoken to [insert trifling ex’s name here] lately?” lines. And all the bad blood, pain and horrid memories just flood out your poor ol’ heart and mind.
Some of you may have experienced it already, but I know my friend Arielle can personally vouch for the awkward aftermath that can occur when clinging on to an ex’s family. Arielle was in a situation where she stayed in contact with most of her former headache’s family and friends. She had gotten extremely close to his people while they were together, so it was a natural thing for her to keep in touch with them although Jahmir had ripped her little heart to pieces.
Well, after months of being Jah Jah-free, Arielle began to slowly distance herself from his family, too. Because not only would she bump into him while visiting his parents from time-to-time, but she felt like too many of his people were trying to pressure her to get back with him. It was always, “My son is not perfect Arielle, but no man is. He’s made his mistakes but I’ve never seen him love a woman the way he loves you.” Mix the constant attempts at persuasion from his mother with other little nuisances like his brothers trying to set her up to be in the same place with Jahmir at the same time, and you’ve got the perfect pot of “hell naw!”
In Arielle’s case, there was absolutely NO WAY she was going back to Jah Jah, so she decided it was best to separate herself from his pushy family as well. Although Arielle’s attempt to keep it cute with the fam’ didn’t work out so well, I do know of other instances where remaining friends with the family has turned out good, even with not-so-good separations.
But what are your thoughts readers? Should you remain friends with your ex’s family?
Can I be honest? I can be quite dramatic after a breakup. I literally want to disappear. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to go to public places. I go mute on social media for months. The pain is so agonizing that I have fantasized about hiring someone to run my life for me until things settle down while I’m off enjoying a sabbatical in some far away land. Obviously, that will probably never happen, but if I wanted to temporarily hand over my social media accounts to a capable professional during these difficult times, it appears that I could.
Researcher and photographer Caroline Sinders has tacked a new title to her resume: Social Media Breakup Coordinator. Yes, you read correctly. The New York-based artist premiered her services on Saturday, December 5 at Babycastles in Manhattan. While she admits that the endeavor is part of a performance art piece through which she “transforms Babycastles into a waiting room of the future for a new kind of life coaching experience,” Sinders insists that her plan was still to help people.
During the event, Sinders offered 15-minute sessions where the following services were provided:
-One-on-one consultation per your social media needs
-Archiving data/information from specific users
-Grouping people into specific lists to organize
-Facebook privacy explained
-Curating your posts to specific audiences
-Pruning your followers/followings lists
-Mute vs. block vs. unfollow
-Emotionally neutral phrases towards unfollowing
According to College Candy, Sinders begins the process by issuing a 21-question assessment to determine her clients’ preferred social media platforms and to establish what they’d like gain from their online presence.
“There are all different kinds of relationships in our networked lives, and they are incredibly intertwined. Social Media Break Up Coordinator is here to help cut some of those ties, without you deleting your accounts,” Sinders explained on the workshop’s Facebook invite. “Think of this as the art of tidying up your social media.”
While it seems that the concept could use a little more fleshing out, the general idea is thought-provoking. The Internet, specifically social media, has birthed all kinds of new and interesting professions and businesses that allow us bail on the crappy tasks that we’d prefer not to be bothered with—for a small (or large) fee, of course. Perhaps allowing your social media accounts to be handled by an experienced professional during times when you’re not feeling very social is the wave of the future.
From what we gather, Sinders is no longer offering these services. However, we’d like to know if you’d be willing to hire someone to take over social media for you during difficult periods. Noirettes, sound off.
I just have to be real. For the past season and a half, “Scandal” has not had the same allure to me. I know I’m not the only one who feels the same way. I just so happen to tweet for MadameNoire during the show and I saw how the response and reaction to the show went from boiling hot to less than lukewarm, damn near cold.
But I kept tweeting. Partially because I was desperately hoping it would come back around and also because I wanted to see how much further Fitz and Olivia could go. Frankly, the back and forth the two of them go through was working my very last nerve. Week after week, I rooted for Olivia to get her mind right and go ahead and be with Jake, decent man–or as decent as they come on that show–who loved her.
But the heart wants what it wants and Olivia’s heart wanted Fitz.
And personally, I couldn’t stand it.
You might think I had a moral conflict with their adulterous love affair. But that wasn’t it. One, I never thought Fitz was of sound moral character and their dreams of being together were just that, dreams…of the pipe variety.
So, needless to say, the last few weeks of the show, watching Olivia admit, in front of television cameras, to sleeping with the president, seeing Mellie sign divorce papers and be callously thrown out of her own house only to have Olivia moved in, deeply irritated me.
Despite all their wishing and hoping and thinking and praying, I knew from the season 1 of “Scandal” that there was just no feasible way for Fitz and Olivia to be together and be simultaneously happy.
Last night, both Fitz and Olivia realized this. And while I’m sure Team Olitz mourned the ending of their relationship, I rejoiced.
In the same way you rejoice when your homegirl finally realizes the man she’s been going back and forth with since high school is just no good (for her or just generally speaking).
All the signs have been there. But it wasn’t until Olivia got a taste of what she’d always wanted that she realized, nah.
Olivia who was introduced to us as a bawse was looking like a shadow of herself running elusive cookie recipes all over Washington D.C. while Mellie hosted a 16 hour filibuster that stopped the senate from potentially defunding Planned Parenthood. That’s the type of change Olivia is known for, but being with Fitz doesn’t afford her those type of luxuries.
And what’s so interesting is that all this time, Olivia and Fitz both acted like Mellie was always underfoot, scheming and naive. They never acknowledged her sacrifices unless they were getting ready to ask her for another favor. It wasn’t until Olivia got a chance to live Mellie’s life that she felt herself shrinking into irrelevancy.
Last night, was the first time in the show’s history that they really talked about the ways in which Fitz selfishly manipulates everyone–man and woman alike– in his life to keep himself soothed and in power. Instead of having a discussion with Olivia about how he really felt about her releasing Daddy Pope from prison, instead he moved her into the White House without asking her whether she wanted this or not. She didn’t. But as it often is with Fitz, it wasn’t about her, it was about him. It’s always about him.
And as such, Olivia never really understood all that Mellie had to sacrifice to keep Fitz content. She was the one who had to deal with the alcoholic, the quick-tempered, mean spirited, neglectful man. Meanwhile Olivia got the thrill-seeking, “we can do it anywhere,” romantic who went to war in order to rescue her and was always full of sweet-sounding but empty promises. And that’s cute…I guess. But it’s not anything anyone can hold on to in the real world. Last night, when Fitz told Olivia that she only wanted him when he was unavailable, she responded perfectly, “I don’t know you available.”
Truer words have never been spoken.
People love to write “Scandal” off as some type of beacon of hope for side chick’s around the world. But I’ve never seen it as such. Olivia has never been happy in her relationship status. She was always hiding, always running scared, thinking she might be exposed. She couldn’t step out in the street and hold her man’s hand. She went to an empty apartment at night and drank wine when she really wanted to live in a house in Vermont and make jam. Homegirl was in constant pain not being able to be with the man she loved. And sadly enough, the man she loved just wasn’t the right one. Because when she finally got a chance to give their relationship a shot, she realized she would have to sacrifice the only thing that’s fulfilled her and given her purpose in D.C., her job.
This is not about women not being able to have it all. This is about Olivia not being able to have it all with that particular man. It was ill fated from jump street.
And as fictional as Olivia and Fitz’s lives are, watching that breakup scene was like watching so many of our lives, including my own, play out on the television screen. Sometimes we’re so busy and so dead set on having a man that we don’t realize what we’re sacrificing to get him. And hopefully, we realize, like Olivia, that having him is not worth losing yourself.
Breakups suck. No matter how many times your heart has been broken, no one ever really gets used to the waterfall of mixed emotions that typically accompany a split—especially when infidelity is what caused the relationship’s demise. Last night, Christina Milian broke down while revealing that she parted ways with Dwayne “Lil Wayne” Carter over his involvement with another woman on her E! reality show, “Christina Milian Turned Up.” Apparently, Carter had been dishonest regarding the nature of his relationship with the woman, but after doing a little digging, Milian came across undeniable evidence. She explained that the split was rough because she never loved any man as much as she loved the “Lollipop” rapper—not even her ex-husband, Terius “The-Dream” Nash.
When we spoke to Milian Wednesday, she opened up about some of her coping mechanisms for surviving the breakup blues.
Surround yourself with love:
“I spend extra, extra, extra time with family or friends. It’s not like, run and go to the club. Maybe back in the day that’s what I would have done. But these days, I just spend a lot more time with family.”
Let it out:
“Some wine time with my girlfriends where I can vent.”
“I also spend lots of time working on my career or working out. That really helps because you can like, talk to yourself and everything and kind of figure everything out.”
“Also, I just like sleep and not think about it. That always helps me get through it!”
While many would prefer to go into hiding following heartbreak, Milian revealed that inviting the world into her space—via her reality show—also helped her to cope in some ways.
“Real things were really happening, and I just couldn’t hide it. There was no way I could show a scene where I’m smiling and running around with my daughter, but in the meantime, I’m getting text messages and going back and forth with my boyfriend at the time,” she told Madame Noire. “For me, days when I was open to it, it was almost like I needed to see myself. It’s almost like challenging myself like, ‘If I were someone else, what would I advise my friend?’ I had to put myself in those shoes. Me being open about it was a decision for myself to say, ‘I have to make the right decisions moving forward.’ By being open, I felt that there were a lot of people who could probably relate to this. If you look at blogs, people are going in and out and up and down with relationships. I’m not different. I’m not going to stage it or act like I’m perfect. This stuff was literally going down. So I just let myself be free.”
According to the 34-year-old mom, the drama surrounding her relationship with Carter will continue to unfold throughout the season.
“There’s going to be a lot of ups and downs,” said Milian, who will continue to work with the rapper musically.
“We’re still friends and we have a song out right now. We shot a video about three weeks ago for a song called ‘Do It.’”
We imagine that it would be difficult to continue a professional relationship with someone who broke your heart; however, it’s possible that she’s really good at compartmentalizing her feelings.
“Christina Milian Turned Up” airs Tuesdays at 10 p.m. on E!
What are some of your personal secrets for getting through a breakup?