All Articles Tagged "breakups"
If you look back at the final weeks of any relationship, you probably put your palm to your forehead in a little embarrassment realizing, “Oh my gosh. It was so clearly over long before it was over!” You know this because you recognize the same old habits, routines, and exit strategies that you’ve utilized at the start of every breakup. Usually, you’re not quite ready to end things completely when your subconscious starts to speak up about the fact that this relationship won’t do. So, instead, you make mini attempts to break up, or escape, the relationship. Then there are things you do that really have nothing to do with the boyfriend in question, but are just signs that you’ve emotionally pulled out of the relationship. If only men saw these signs they wouldn’t be totally caught off guard by the sentence, “We need to talk.” Like it or not, you know you do these things when approaching a breakup.
If you’ve ever been dumped and didn’t see it coming at all, maybe that’s because it wasn’t coming…until you did something inexcusable. There are a few behaviors on which men have a zero tolerance policy. These are things that, once a person does them, they tell you exactly what they’re about.
There’s a huge difference between a mistake and a major flaw, and there are some things that people rarely do just once. So once you do one of these in a relationship, it tells your partner there is more to come. And he doesn’t want it. You can run a little late, forget to text back or leave dirty dishes in the sink. But these are things that there is no coming back from. Here are 15 things that will make a man break up with you on the spot.
When you and your partner have a couple you’re friends with, and that couple breaks up, you can find yourself navigating some choppy waters. If you’ve known the couple for a long time, you’ll want to keep up both friendships. The problem is that both people will know that, and they will want information. They’ll want to know if you’ve seen their ex recently, how the ex is doing, whether or not the ex is dating, how upset the ex seems and what the ex has been saying about them. They can’t help but ask. Admit it: if you were in their shoes, you’d be tempted to pull information out of the common friends, too! But you have to be very careful handling friends who have broken up because a lot of things you do could be misinterpreted as your taking one side. So how do you deal with couple friends who’ve broken up? Here’s a guide.
Today’s episode of #LunchtimeChat featured Cassie/ Diddy and all of their breakup craziness trending. The ladies share their opinions based on a recent article that discussed how after a breakup the “crazy” may come out.
Catch the chat and share your thoughts below! Make sure to tune in to #LunchtimeChat every weekday at lunchtime on Facebook Live!
Sometimes, deciding whether or not to end a relationship can be incredibly hard; there is a lot of bad, but there is also still a lot of good there. But sometimes, the way a man acts after you break up with him makes it so obvious that you made the right decision. In fact, often a man has personality traits (read: flaws) and bad habits that we think we’re just misinterpreting, but once we call it quits, we realize, “Oh. Nevermind. I totally called it.” That’s because people show their true colors when they’re under stress, in pain, or put through a sudden and difficult change. A breakup certainly fits all of that criteria, doesn’t it? Some women dangerously think, “I can judge the way he’s acting—everybody acts crazy after a breakup.” No. They don’t. And this is a very important time to pay attention to how he’s acting because if it’s ugly, don’t consider taking that man back. Here is how a breakup shows a man’s true colors.
If there’s one city perfect for a Museum of Broken Relationships, it’s Los Angeles. And not just any ol’ place in the city of Angels, but Hollywood, smack dab in the middle of the city’s touristic capital where broken dreams are abound. That’s rather harsh sounding but, hey, there’s truth to it.
The newly opened museum – it opened its doors on June 4 to be exact – was initially conceptualized as a pop-up museum in Croatia by a former couple, both artists. Now the Hollywood location, which accepts (close to) all donations, is continuing what the one-time couple started. And while the term “broken relationships” calls to mind a divorce, separation or breakup of a romantic couple, the museum has several themed rooms that speak to all kinds of relationships – those with family members, friends, co-workers, the list goes on. The museum’s goal is to represent a “collective emotional history.” If you donate an item to the museum’s growing collection, your story accompanies it. What would your item and story be? Take a look at some of the current items in the Museum of Broken Relationships and tell us what you think.
The dream of being married and having children is certainly not an uncommon one. And that was certainly the case for Alisha Sims. But she wanted it to be right. And in her mid-thirties, she felt that she had finally gotten her chance. A man, who we’ll call Peter, came back into her life. The two had been friends in the late 90’s and had lost touch. But when he came back around, they both realized that maybe they could be more than friends. And as their relationships blossomed, the two made plans to get married and raise a family together.
But the order got switched up a bit. Alisha learned that she was pregnant. Still, they had their plan. They were going to get married and raise their daughter together. But plans don’t often play out as we expect. Peter increasingly found himself more and more disconnected from both his girlfriend and his child and Alisha was suffering from post postpartum depression.
Alisha tried to talk to Peter about her feelings but he had already checked out.
“It was one of those things where it was in one ear and out the other. It’s one thing not to know but not trying to know is a whole lot different. I have no problem with a person not knowing but if you’re not trying to know or show interest, then what am I supposed to do?”
The relationship was crumbling. And it all came to a head when their daughter, Mia, an infant at the time, was suffering from one of her usual night terrors.
“This one particular night, she had a bad one. And instead of [Peter] trying to help me wake her up and console her, this—I’m finna get belligerent right now— this n*gga decides he wants to yell at my baby and tell her to shut up. No, no, no! You done f*cked up. You done f*cked up. We were living together at the time. I didn’t want to go back to my mom’s house. But I’d rather put up with my momma’s stuff than having him talking to my baby like he’s crazy.”
That was it. The end of the relationship and the end of Peter playing a role in his daughter’s life. Sadly his absence, didn’t do much to help Alisha in dealing with her depression. Things only got worse from there.
“I started having thoughts about harming her. And I was kind of like, ‘Ok, maybe I’m just tired.’ But I remember specifically, very vividly, she was like 3 or 4 months old. Me, my mom, my aunt, my cousin and her children were at the mall. We were on the second level and I had this vision of me just holding her over the edge and dropping her. I was like, ‘Oh, hell no. No, no, no.’ Even though I know deep down in my heart that I wasn’t going to do anything, I’m not going to do anything to harm her. But the fact that I thought about it, told me something was wrong.”
Before that incident, with all that she was going through with her relationship with Peter, Alisha wasn’t exactly ready to accept that she might also be dealing with postpartum depression. She was still in denial about being a single parent, at 35-years old. She told herself, “I’m not supposed to be a baby’s mama. That wasn’t the plan, that wasn’t the conversation. What was happening to me was not supposed to happen.”
But eventually she came to the conclusion that she’s not a baby momma, she’s a mother. And as a mother she needed help.
She told her own mother what she was experiencing.
“It took a while for me to tell her. Because at the time me and my mom weren’t vibing like we are now. But I told her and she said she went through it with me.”
But that was the end of the conversation.
“She didn’t tell me anything. My mother is a woman of few words.”
Around the same time Alisha’s daughter was born and around the same time, she was having these disturbing thoughts, there were stories in the news about other women harming their children. In Indiana, there was a woman who tried to stop her three-year-old from crying and throwing a tantrum. She gave her son olive oil and vinegar until he stopped breathing. And instead of calling the police, she put him in a tote bag and placed his body in her closet. She kept him there for an entire year. Another woman drove off a bridge with all three of her children in the car. Alisha heard both of those stories and they scared her.
“And what shocked me was that they were Black women. We don’t harm the babies. That’s something I know Black people don’t do. And I was like ‘Yeah, that further lets me know, let me get my ass to the doctor.’ QuickLY. Quick, fast and in a hurry. I’m not finna do that. I don’t care how bad things are or what’s going on, there’s nothing that could make me do any harm to my baby. But the fact that I thought about it, that was enough for me.”
She went to the doctor. Alisha was prescribed Lexapro which she took everyday for two years until she started weaning herself off of it.
“I felt like I couldn’t function without it. I didn’t want to become a zombie. I didn’t want to become dependent on it. And when I was taking the medicine and the thoughts were less but they would still be there. Now, I’m to the point that—she’ll be six now— and I’m not having those thoughts. Or it may cross my mind but as quick as it comes, it goes away.
The only side effect I would have was, I was a little irritable. Things I wouldn’t normally trip about, I would trip over. I started taking them everyday and it was like, ‘Ok, I’m feeling better but I didn’t want to use those as a crutch.’ I wanted to get past this without the medicine. So I slowly weaned myself off of it. Last time I took some, Mia was three.
So if I feel it coming on or she’s getting on my nerves or whatever the case may be, I just have to separate myself or turn some music on. Music is therapy anyway. Or she’ll do something, she knows she’s not supposed to do and I’m feeling myself getting more upset than I should be, then I have to just walk away.”
There were also times when Alisha isolated herself from others, as a means of coping.
“It may sound bad but when I started having those thoughts, I would have to shut down. I would have to close myself off. I didn’t answer my phone. I pretended I didn’t have a phone. I would give Mia something to occupy her time, give her a bottle and put her to sleep so I could have a moment to myself to regroup. A lot of prayer helped as well.”
But Alisha wasn’t just dealing with the adjustment of raising a child, on her own. She was dealing with the Peter’s broken promises, specifically his lack of involvement with Mia. Not only did he not see his daughter, he would take pictures Alisha posted of her on Facebook and upload them onto his own profile, to make it seem like he was actually present.
“I was dealing with an idiot that just punked out. So yeah, all of that played a part in it. I was angry. I borderline hated him. I couldn’t bring myself to it because that’s not in my character to hate anybody but it came pretty close. It almost got to the point where I talked bad about him in front of her. But I’m like ‘No, I cannot do that. I’m not going to taint her image of him with my own feelings.’”
Alisha realizes now that her disappointment and disgust for Peter and her postpartum depression were two separate issues. But at the time, the two seemed blended together. And just as she worked to treat her depression, she knew she had to do the same with Peter.
“It took me a long time to forgive him. But I know if I don’t forgive him. It’s not making my situation any better.”
And with her depression, part of the healing came once she fully grasped what she was experiencing.
“The fact that I understood what was happening to me, what I was going through [changed my mindset.] It’s something that can be controlled. It’s just something that I’m going through for a minute because I’m tired and I’m always sleepy and working and going to school at the same time. It was a lot on me.”
Now, things are better. The thoughts slowly went away. What were once vivid visions became fleeting thoughts she could acknowledge and dismiss as fast as they presented themselves. And Alisha employed the strategy of finding something to distract herself from those thoughts.
Before she gave birth, Alisha didn’t take postpartum depression seriously.
“I didn’t believe the stories people were telling me about postpartum. I thought they were exaggerating, like ‘That don’t happen. Whatever!”… Made a believer outta me.”
Now, she has this advice for women who think they may be dealing with a similar issue.
“Go to the doctor as soon as possible because it could be worse than what you think it is. It’s nothing to play with. If you’re having thoughts or not feeling right, get to the doctor quick. If you don’t, the situation may end up being worse.”
In an ideal world, when you break up with someone, they simply disappear from your life never to worry you again. They aren’t around, neither a physical nor virtual presence, to drive you up the wall like they used to. However, the reality is that just as you’re moving on with your life, they’re moving on with theirs. Now, this is usually a fact of life that is relatively easy to accept — except when they move on with their lives a little bit faster than you do.
When your ex starts dating someone new, things can get uncomfortable pretty quickly. Even when you think you’re completely over your feelings, you’re not always ready to see them happily having feelings for someone new. And that can make us all act just a little bit kooky — at least for a little while. Ideally, until we meet someone wonderful we can plaster all over social media, too.
For the past few weeks now, I can’t seem to stop writing about my past relationship. Not because I miss him or us. It’s just the revelations I’m experiencing now that are too enlightening to ignore. Now that I’m out of the relationship and completely over it. (Which are two separate things.), I’m seeing so many retrospective red flags that I ignored for years and years and years. Now that I’m in an entirely different, drastically improved relationship I see how misguided I’d been in everything from my desires, the behavior that I accepted or excused and most importantly the way I allowed myself to be treated.
The signs just keep replaying in the theater of my mind, flashing back and I hardly recognize myself. And the acknowledgement of some of these memories has been everything from sad, to frustrating. But the one I’m going to share with you today, is damn near comical. I have to tell y’all that from the time I was teenager until my mid-to-late-twenties I thought I was going to marry this man, believed it even. And while I was over here, keeping the faith. I don’t know if he ever really saw that, even though, from our conversations, that’s what I thought he wanted too.
Anyway, I was in the shower this morning, recalling a particular conversation where we were talking, very casually, almost jokingly, about our future. I don’t remember if it was marriage, kids or just being in the same place at the same time. But whatever we were discussing, in the middle of it, this dude says:
“Do you like/love (I can’t remember which L word he used.) me just because I’m the closest thing you’ve had to a relationship or do you really like me?”
I remember thinking it was an odd question to ask. He was my first real, albeit long distance relationship, an old middle school flame, if you will. But still, I’d always had options and I always chose him again and again. Today, I realize there might have been some other factors behind that choice and maybe that’s what he was picking up on. I don’t know. Either way, I provided him a very honest list of reasons why I liked/loved him. And instead of us continuing to discuss this hypothetical future, dude says:
“When I think about someone like you, I see you with some tall, dark-skinned dude with dreads.”
What I should have done was ask myself why in the hell the man who said he wanted to be with me would speak about me being with someone else. But I laughed because looking at me and looking at this ex, physically you might put us together. But that’s about it. We really didn’t have all that much in common. I was interested in things he could care less about and vice-versa. But not only that, the things that I wanted to talk about, to dissect and analyze were out of reach for him. Not because he didn’t have the intellectual capacity to handle these topics but because others had told him that he couldn’t and shouldn’t. And sadly, he believed them.
I laughed because the stereotype is that people with locks are super deep, conscious, not materialistic and artsy. I laughed because as I was growing out my own dreads, living away from the Midwest city that had raised and conditioned us both, I was changing, slowly but surely. And maybe he saw that more clearly than I did at the time.
Months or maybe even a year later, I met said man. Tall, dark-skinned, locks. My ex and I were still in the midst of our long-distance, loosely defined relationship where we told each other that we had the option to see and date other people if either one of us found someone better. I said it but still, I knew that I was so preoccupied with him that if the opportunity to date someone else seriously, ever presented itself, I wouldn’t be open to it.
But I was wrong.
The meeting with this new dude, the tall, darker one, with locks, was so serendipitous, so alarming and so memorable that I actually wrote about it for the site. But before then, I told the ex about him and the guilt I felt having given him my number. And once he assured me that I shouldn’t feel guilty, that our long-distance situation sucked, I reminded him that he was just the type of man he said I should be with.
I know I laughed again. But I can’t remember if he did the same.
Fast forward to present day, after a shameful and embarrassing back and forth between the ex and the tall, dark, locked one, I finally made the right decision.
And it wasn’t until I was in the shower this morning, thinking about that clairvoyant conversation with the ex that I thought how did I miss that? How did I not realize that that relationship was never, ever going to work out? But you know you live and you learn. Plus, the signs and red flags are much more comical when you notice them years and years later.