Husband Hunting? 10 Traits To Look For In A Spouse

November 12, 2011  |  
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The primary reason men and women don’t understand one another are because they don’t take the time to truly try. We have to understand that men’s and women’s brains simply process information differently. The exact same event could happen to a man and a woman, and most likely two entirely difference responses will occur.

We have to work to understand where the opposite sex is coming from, and only then are we open enough to commit.  However, after women are ready, some men unfortunately are not.  Fear not, the man for you is out there, but it’s your job to set yourself up for success from the start.  Take a look at these top 10 traits women should look for in their future spouse, to ensure an open, honest, fun and lasting relationship.

 1. Commitment

To men, the dreaded “C-word” often implies compromise, loss of independence, sacrifice of sexual variety, and financial devastation. According to the National Marriage Project, a study undertaken at Rutgers University, men today are overwhelmingly hesitant about getting married. However, cohabitation, basically commitment with an escape route, is on the rise.  Women crave commitment to feel safe, secure, wanted and special and cohabitation allows men to give a false sense of those things, without a concrete commitment.

2. Communication

Women want their feelings to be heard and understood, not solved. We want to be able to talk to our loved one and share our life.  Men are naturally programmed to problem-solve.  If they hear an issue, they want to analyze it and ultimately find a solution.  Shakespeare nailed it on the head when he said, “women speak two languages- one of which is verbal.”  This means that half of the communication women speak is through listening.

3. Emotionally Stable

Women want to be the emotional one in the relationship. Confidence and independence are very appealing traits in a man, insecurity and needy are not. Most women look for a strong partner they can lean on. At the same time, women want a man to tell her, and show her how important she is to him.  This can include flowers, a sweet phone call or a random text in the middle of the day.  Truly, the smallest gestures can mean the most.

4. Confidence. 

There is a fine line between confidence and cockiness.  Women want a man that exhibits confidence in public and can easily handle difficult situations. It takes a confident man to be secure and respectful.  Since men mature much later than women, yes that’s science; older men are more often a safer bet maturity/confidence wise.  Don’t be fooled though, some men seem to never grow up, and there are exceptions with younger men as well.  Observe how he treats you in public compared to at home, and decide if it’s true confidence, or a little boy hiding in men’s clothing.


Women want a secure man who admits when he makes a mistake, and takes responsibility for his own actions. One of the meanings of the word “husband” is someone who skillfully manages his household. A manager takes responsibility. If a man wants to be seen as a worthy partner he has to show leadership. When he sees a situation that needs to be dealt with, he should step forward and handle it; women admire that.  Also, if kids are in your future or in your life already, you want a strong, responsible role model for them to look up to, not another buddy that is making childish mistakes and hiding behind you for protection.

6. Respectful (especially to his Mom)

I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but the way a man treats his mom has a direct correlation to how he might treat you.  The female role that a mother plays in her son’s life can be the most stable example he has.  During his life he has seen his mother deal with many issues that women go through, and how she has responded and therefore expected to be comforted.

7.  Sense of Humor

Women love a man that can be funny and make them laugh. It does not mean that women want their men to be jokers but there are many times that laughter is the best medicine. Women are emotional creatures that like being happy and enjoy light and joyous moments. A good sense of humor along with confidence and a positive outlook can trigger the right buttons in a woman.

8. Honesty

Honesty is what builds trust in a relationship. It is much easier to forgive your man’s mistakes, if they are honest and upfront to begin with. Hiding things and dishonesty infuriates women, allowing the unsettled feeling of betrayal to suffocate the relationship.  Women must communicate this to their man, and understand that the truth isn’t always an easy pill to swallow.  Be prepared for the worst, but understand that it’s better to know now, rather than 5 years down the road when the commitment and emotional reliance is much deeper and therefore harder to walk away from.


Women want an ambitious guy that is in control but not controlling. They are driven by goals, and are result-oriented. They don’t let anything stop them and have a genuine desire to excel in a particular area in their life.  Whether it is in the office, or a weekend softball league, they commit, they show up, and they succeed

10. Romantic

Women love to be wooed.  Women want to be pursued and courted by a man eager to win their attention.  Women want to feel desired and important during the “honeymoon” stage of the relationship, and eventually a feeling of security in a long-term commitment. Little gestures like holding doors, picking up the tab at dinner, reaching for your hand in public, and offering to fix things around the house, work like magic.  All too often, these little gestures fade with time.  Be sure to keep the spark alive and don’t be afraid to send gestures to your man either!


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  • Latiadixon

    Sounds like Mr.Do right!!

  • Too Real for You

    The real question is, would a man like this want to date YOU?  Probably not.  You’re not good enough for the man of your dreams.  LOL

  • Mi
  • Cara-mello77

    another list of what MEN need to be, alot of women would fail a similiar list.

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  • Destiny2fulfill

    Wow…breaking news…water is wet, concrete is hard and grass is green. Thanks a lot Captain Obvious!

  • Whoisbsquared


  • This is a great article — somewhere this should be a must read for men and women. I would certainly appreciate a man who did these things for me. I especially like the driven quality. A Black man who has a passion for what he wants and what he does is a truly a beautiful creation. 

  • Sun_e_cloud

    This is very true. I’ve learned through personal experience that if a man hates his mother, he will despise his woman. Also, just because he’s with a woman doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s into women either.  In my experience, I discovered that this particular guy was more into what I could do for him (financially) and into his masculine clueless male friends than I.

  • Blackpower1976

    Let’s NOT 4get the 30+ year old women running around being “cougars”,  in the club shaking their tail feathers and hooking up with random men!! I see MEN continue to bear the brunt of the problems but where does WOMEN play a role??? It’s all good to wait for a “good” man but make sure u are that GOOD woman.

    • MissPretty

      I agree.  You can only expect a man to have all of these qualities if you embody them yourself.  I feel like there are too many women out there looking for a ‘good man’ and still acting like hoes.  Women have to take the responsibility for this just as much as the men do.  

  • Lyndon

    This list is cute and all, but the why be so idealistic?

    If you want to find a Sure-fire husband, find a man that has a great relationship with his father. This is the man that knows honor, respects women, and will be an outstanding father. The flipside is, it takes a woman to be in a certain place to embrace a man like this.

    • Guest

      Unfortunately, if the statistics are correct this is pretty rare in the Black community… About 70% of Black children are said to be raised in a single parent household and I’m assuming most of those are single mothers.

  • Cora


    • Cora

      Comment posted wrong. Whoops!

  • NessT

    sings: have you seen him?

  • Dcarter910

    I have all those qualities and more, it just seems like every woman I meet get scared because it is too good to be true as they put it. If only I can find a woman who loves God and herself enough to accept what is in front of her.

    • numero uno


    • JustAshley

      Keep being strong. She’s out there! 🙂

    • MeMia43

      @ DARTER910, you have my utmost respect my spiritual brotha! Best wishes on finding someone worthy of your greatness! I know I surely have taught my son to be the same way, I taught him to recognize his greatness. Don’t just give your self to any body, just to say you have someone in your midst. Peace1

  • Ms_Sunshine9898

    Once I had hoped to get married, but after meeting today’s men, most of whom don’t carry half of these traits, I’ve all but given up and I’m only 23. . .


      Kinda young to be bitter, don’t ya think??? And you nailed it when you said “only 23″…you’re ONLY 23!!! So I don’t understand how you’re soooo sick of “today’s men” when you’ve only been an adult for a few years.  PLEASE let me know how you have lost so much hope and your life has barely even started…

      • Ms_Sunshine9898

        Bitter? Fool I basically said I’m disappointed with the selection of today’s men and I stated my opinion. Have a seat and shut up!

        • Dcarter910

          Hmmm…by your vicious response I think I see where the problem may lie. I understand you were attacked but self control wins out over uncontrolled aggression any day. Dont worry we are all a work in progress but it would do you great good as it did me to take a minute and reflect on who I am and what kind of energy I am putting out there before I seek to categorize another woman (in my case) as unfit or disappointing.  


            I agree with you DCARTER, but lets put the emotional outbursts aside and look into a key fact.

            FACT:  The part of the brain that is responsible for cognitive thinking/rational thinking and controls sound judgement (the frontal lobe)  doesn’t even fully develop until a persons mid 20’s.

            So what I’m saying is live a little more before you start hurling insults and don’t let bad choices (IF that’s the case) skew your perspective of such a large group.


          “I’ve all but given up”…those were YOUR words, as for the insults, people usually resort to those when they run out of intelligent conversation.

          • Ms_Sunshine9898

            No I’m annoyed with people and mass media trying to tell me it’s
            something wrong with me as a black woman because I’m still single. I’m
            single because I know my self worth as good black woman and I won’t put
            up with mess. I believe that I’m better than the games “men” play now. I
            don’t wanna be a wifey or a baby mama. I don’t want to be a side piece
            or a jump off. I want to be a woman in a serious relationship, not just
            another good time to the many men I’ve meet who have expressed
            interested in me as person only to discover they’re after on thing. If it means me being single until a man who has the qualities in this article so comes along so be it. I recognize that I’m young and I’m making some pretty big statements but you don’t have to hurl judgmental insults either for me stating my opinion based on my experience. . . 

            • CLAUDIUS_PTOLEMY

              I share your frustration, there is nothing wrong with being a single black woman with high expectations.  The media is only half the problem, the other half is the men and women that buy into the BS that they put out and settle for a life of mediocrity as live in baby mamas aka “wifeys” and these men who 30+ years old still running club to club and woman to woman making babies.  So obviously the media isn’t on our side, the music industry isn’t on our side, hell a lot of our own people aren’t on our side because they’re living, walking, negative stereotypes, and that does NOTHING for the progression of our people.  We have to come together.  There are many many good black men and women out there, but for some reason we always miss each other lol, so all I’m saying is that you are still young, give yourself time and I guarantee you will find what you seek.

              As for the “bitter” comment, I never actually called you bitter, I implied that you MIGHT be bitter due to the context of your comment.  There is no way I can make that call seeing as I don’t know you personally.

              • Vee

                I love your response.  It was not negative or judgmental at all.

            • Whoisbsquared


          • Dcarter910

            Good Respectful and insightful conversation on the matter….if we had more of this on a national level as black people, this topic…would not be a topic within our community! This says more about who you are and what type of person you are, than any slanderous, derogatory comments would other wise portray. One of the only reasons I come to this website to read and understand the plights of the black woman I love.

            • Boogaloo

              well, hey mr. carter . get it? 

    • Whoisbsquared


    • Gwendy7

      Keep an open mind because he could be from another race…have no color lines…love is love and dont lose hope:)

    • LeaG

      me too girl! im 22 and im to the point where i dont even c the point of getting married anymore. most ppl take it as a joke now a days. its jus sumthin convenient n when its not anymore…divorce! its sad. maybe we should try older men cuz the one’s that r our age …aint it.

  • L-Boogie


    • L-Boogie

      I am not laughing at this article just the comments and thoughts!

  • Sumpteky

    I pray so hard for this…..wonderful post.!

  • Kayla

    watch this thread get ugly…… *grabs popcorn*

  • Zellar7

    Also ur husband should find u ( not the other way around).

    • JustAshley


      • preachingsucks

        No PLEASE don’t preach.

    • Angie_Love

      that’s bulschit, as adults we are responsible for our own happiness, I’m not sitting around waitng for a husband to find me, I’m a real woman, I take matters into my own hand.  If a woman is not willing to meet a good man halfway, she doesn’t deserve him.

      • Gwen


        • W&P

           ALL CAPS doesn’t make you any more right SWEETHEART.
          Also, not everyone is a Christian (gasp!) so that doctrine doesn’t mean everything to all of us. Every situation and every person is different and what works for one may not work for another. As Angie_Love alluded to, sitting around and waiting doesn’t tend to work in any other aspect of life so why should it work here?
          I’m a man and I am indeed a hunter, but I’d love for a sister to approach me sometime. The only time women approach me on the regular is when I go out of the country. I’d be very impressed if it happened here.
          Great opportunities typically don’t fall in our laps, they fall somewhere close by…it’s up to us to act on them…or not.

          • looking

            Well siad in deed.

        • Angie_Love

          I’ve been married 3 and a half years, so once again YOU ARE WRONG.  By the way, the Bible also says that GOD helps those who help themselves.  You talking about sitting still and waiting for GOD is just a weak pathetic excuse for you to not take any action and responsibility for your own situation while reserving the right to complain about it.  When I first saw my husband, I noticed him first, he was well spoken, dressed nice, smart and handsome so I complimented him on his cologne and he basically did the rest.  That bull about men being hunters is lame, it sounds like something Steve Harvey would say.  We all know there’s plenty of sorry men out there but there are sorry weak women in the world too, they are the ones who want to be in happy loving relationships but are not willing to do any of the work that it takes to have one.

        • lol


    • Aladyinred

      yes, he should find you. but you should choose him, not the other way around 🙂 some useful advice i’ve gotten. 

      • wow

        You’re 1/2 way their. Yoou should choose each other.

  • Lalia

    Don’t sound like a black man….

    • Doodzy

      My boyfriend does all of these things and more.  And yes, he’s an African-American! <3

    • Sugar/Spice

      You’ve met all the black men on the planet?  My husband does all of these things & he’s educated, he’s also black!

    • Solar23

      why would you say that ignorant sh$t?

    • alldawg

      you need to get out the hood…

    • Cora


    • curt angle

      i see we have another bitter black woman

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