Paper Thin: Why The “White Women Are Winning” Argument Is A Losing One

April 26th, 2011 - By SisterToldja

When I saw the title of Andrea Michelle’s Uptown Magazine article Why White Women Are Winning, my eyes hit the ceiling. What a silly notion. What, exactly, is the sense in making white women some sort of normative group that black women should compare themselves to? While we do need to examine certain disparities across racial lines from time to time, I don’t think that marriage statistics is one of those issues; furthermore, as there is no proven universal standard white relationship behavior or black relationship behavior, we can’t make a reasoned comparison. Throw in the unique challenges that black women (and men) face in mating that are influenced by centuries of race-based oppression that white daters aren’t contending with and I’m already over this article before I read it.

And then I read it. And I was even more over it. To be fair, I was relieved to see that Michelle’s piece was not a nasty condemnation of black women for failing to be as adept at dating as white women; instead, she simply discussed the many advantages that white women have when it comes to meeting and marrying men and acknowledges that sisters may have to fight a bit harder for the elusive title of ‘wife’. I just think it was an incendiary title for a somewhat flimsy premise. Instead of worrying about what other women have, black women should focus on having the best lives they can achieve, romantically and otherwise.

While the ire I had preemptively formed for her piece turned to be unwarranted, LaShaun Williams’ response to the article was certainly worthy of all the eye-rolling and “What the hell are you talking about?” that one could summon up. I look forward to the day in which raking black women over the coals won’t be such a popular sport and I especially hope that black women themselves will get out of this despicable game.

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  • Linda

    Hello..maybe my opinion doesn't matter here because I'm white but I'm commenting because what you say about black women sucks…outright sucks. Why blame the woman. I have many black women as my friends. Smart, pretty, and strong. Yes strong. They have to be. And where is the blame on black men who date white as if it's some kind of status symbol. Like a new expensive car or whatever. Women need to be choosy these days whether they are black or white. There are too many players who expect to be babied and never have to grow up.

  • E M

    I grew up in a house with my mother, father, and 3 sisters who are all black like me. I have been unsuccessful in trying to find love and a good partner as unfortunately every girl I have been in a relationship with has grown up in a house without a strong male figure (either weak or none at all). They have all had a short fuse, knew little about financial investing, or topics like world geography. After my last girlfriend did some "ghetto stuff" (for some reason she couldn't even explain) I realized that even a master's degree doesn't indicate an almost "chip on the shoulder" mentality that my sisters also possess. So, I opened up to dating out of my race and on the first relationship it looks positive and she is willing to do (or already doing) things for me I have only seen other races of women do for their men. Maybe it's coincidence, maybe there's a pattern, I don't know. But my sisters are single with their "checklists" of requirements and necks rolling while I'm one happy guy now. Just one man's opinion.

  • Commonsensereturns

    "but black women are so QUICK to assume that we're doing nothing wrong and the rest of the world/society/history is to blame. "

    That's a generalization. That in of itself is asinine. How do you assume that collectively black women are looking for an excuse to blame anyone for any perceived shortcomings? Black culture in the US has differences from white culture in the US. Historical differences that have substantial affects to this day.

    This is not 'blaming' anyone it is simply a fact. We do have less viable men to date. Fact. There are more black women than black men in the US coupled with the fact that most races in this country overwhelming date within their race that already skews things.

    Let's remove stereotypical rhetoric from actual facts. That I believe is what the author was trying to convey.

  • rachel

    People talk about black women and us not being married but I wonder how many DON'T WANT TO. People should stop assuming everyone want's to get married. I am sorry but with the divorce rate of today I rather stay in that single black woman category and casually date until I find the one, then become divorced withing five minutes of marriage (exaggeration of course).

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  • Daryl

    Thank you for the article. We do have problems with relationships that stem from being kidnapped from Africa. We were emotionally, mentally and physically abused. To this day it is still in our DNA. We live and try to emulate a culture that is not ours. It was reinforced in us that our way of life was bad. This may also affect the way a Black man feels about a Black women. He may look up to a white woman as being a better woman. Even though she may marry and comfort a Black Man, she is in no way better. It is best that the Black Man and Woman get together and heal from the abuses of this society so that we may grow together and have a that are proud of their Way of Life and People. Women can also help by not emulating the White Woman; research other styles that come from our cultures. There are many to choose from because their are so many different styles from different countries. Thank you..

  • Eboni Smith

    Check out Andrea Michelle podcast on why white women are winning http://baisdenlive.com/podcenter.cfm?itemCategory…

  • Eboni

    Check out Andrea O'neal explain her article Why White Women are Winning on Michael Baidsen
    http://baisdenlive.com/podcenter.cfm?itemCategory…

    • Eboni

      Error Andrea Michelle's article

  • ATL Gentleman

    I agree with your response 100%! All races have a mix of good and bad. White guy here married to white female for just over 10yrs. What a bad choice! (again not all are the same). It is simply personal choice to select your own race or be open to other race partners. The key is quality personality, equality in the relationship, full support of each other and their endeavors both personal and professional. Have the same values, morals, and expectations in life.
    I am remarried currently to an Asian that I quaiified first as having the same values, morals, expectations, ideals as I. Eyes open going into this relationship! I am blessed. I wish all the best in their finding thier partner!

  • Don Bateman

    I am sure I will hear a lot of feedback from this comment….however this coming from a white brother with several black brother friends. I love these guys…but they seem to want to continually play the ladies and not be serious with any of the great ladies I have had the pleasure of meeting. I am not saying all black mem are like this…but I believe they may be the cause of some of the issue. Black are smart and know what they want in life…some brothers are not there yet.

    • commonsensereturns

      Interesting Don. How old are you? If you are in your early to mid twenties I almost expect this behavior from men that age. If you are in your early thirties then this really is a pity.

  • Lady

    What is this crap? I mean, really. I'm in an LTR with a white man and even I don't consider myself in competition with white women, only with MYSELF.

  • Tasha

    "but black women are so QUICK to assume that we're doing nothing wrong and the rest of the world/society/history is to blame." Again, another generalization…….This characteristic has nothing to do with being a black woman, this is a human flaw. At the end of the day, black women are people first, race is a social label for the purpose of putting us into categories, and ultimately lends a hand in us limiting ourselves if we can only define ourselves within its context. We are not perfect … No group of women is. We lovely black women possess beauty, kindness, bitterness, sadness happiness, desire, elation, dominance, submissiveness, excitement, jealousy, rage, anger, joy, faith, peace, love, talent…….I could go on and on but my point is we are HUMAN. Forgive us for that. Ladies, learn who you are, be the best you can be and BY ALL MEANS, PLEASE DO NOT limit yourself in any area of you life, especially LOVE and marriage. Trust me, there are MANY MEN (All you need is one LOL!!) in the global village who would take you just the way you are and not subject you to this constant nitpicking. STEP OUT SIDE THEIR BOXES….PEACE and LOVE, T.

  • BMA

    I'm the mother of two African American daughters, one 22, one 19. They are brilliant, self-assured, and confident compared to their white counterparts. To hear them tell it, the white women at their colleges are overly sexualized, vapid, and aimless, and I'm supposed to want my daughters to emulate them? No thank you. My daughters wear their hair natural and free, carry themselves with pride and dignity, and expect to be respected, so set your sights high and don't waver. If anything, women should be emulating black women, not the other way around.

    Don't lose heart. The dirty little secret that the statistics never tell us about white women is their divorce rate. They may get married at 21, but are they still married at 31? Or are they already on marriage number 2 or 3 by 41?

    If your mama advised you to get that degree and then get the M.A. or Ph.D or M.D., go for it. Then keep your options open. Don't believe the lies that black women aren't desirable or that black men don't want us. But do yourselves a favor, don't have a baby to go with every failed relationship. That's where black women trip themselves up.

    I've been married to a fabulous black man for 25 years. I'm opinionated and educated, and I wear my hair in a white 'fro. My husband loves me. My girlfriends and I are in our fifties, and men, white ones too, still give us a nod on the street. Black women age beautifully. So ladies enjoy your lives.

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