You hear it all the time: “We barely see her since she got married” or “She’s too busy playing wifey to come.” Is it true, when single people talk about their married friends like this? Is it fair? It’s a little true and it’s a little fair—but only a little. People like to think that a relationship wouldn’t change much after marriage, especially if the couple had been together and had been living together for a long time before tying the knot. But the truth is that, you make some vows when you get married. And living up to those vows does set off a series of changes—changes that can affect your friendships. Here is why you drift from your single friends after you get married.
You’re more obligated to his family
There was a time when it was nice if you went home with your boyfriend for major holidays, but it wasn’t expected. If you wanted, you could hang back, and have a Friendsgiving. Now that you’re married, his family will take it as a personal offense—as some statement you’re trying to make about your relationship with them—if you don’t show up for the holidays. And that means less free time to spend with friends.
You’re expected to be the plus one more
Admit it: even you raise an eyebrow when a married individual shows up stag to a bunch of events. When they’re just there without their boyfriend or girlfriend, that’s one thing. But you sort of expect someone’s spouse to come along. That means people expect you at all your partner’s events, and that’s less time you can spend with your single friends.
Double dating with a brand new couple is complicated
You and your husband are already busy enough scheduling double dates with married or long-term couples. So when your friend asks you to get dinner with her and her boyfriend of one month, you and your husband are thinking, “Do we really want to dedicate our one night to relax this month to getting to know this guy who may be gone next month?”
Some friends make assumptions
Sometimes, the rift isn’t entirely your fault. Your single friends may not invite you out as much because they assume you’ll be busy with married life or that you simply wouldn’t want to go with them to a mostly singles event.
Your finances change
You can become a bit more financially stable once you get married. The question goes from, “Can I afford this concert ticket?” to “Can we afford it?” When you get to work with two bank accounts, you can do a little more. But sometimes your single friends still cannot afford to come along.
Your emotional support demands increase
You vowed to be there for your partner in good times and bad. You always were there before but he would never expect you to cancel plans with friends if he’d had a terrible day at work. Now that you’re married, you just feel a little more pressure to put your boo first. And that can mean canceling plans with friends when he’s going through something.
Single bars are just no fun
Single bars have no allure anymore. They had very little allure left when you were somebody’s serious girlfriend, but now that you’re a wife, they have zero allure. Your friends are just going to abandon you to talk to men, so why would you even go?
You feel bad venting about your hubby
What is the single girl’s favorite past time? Talking sh*t about her boyfriend or the guys she’s dating! You used to partake in this activity. But something about talking badly about your husband just feels…wrong. It’s not fun anymore. You just feel guilty.
There are new and stressful logistics
Getting married sets off a multi-year string of events that include changing wills and names and a bunch of other legal documents. You couldn’t possibly imagine how many places you have to call to give your partner access to this or change your marital status over here…quite frankly, you’re just a little too busy for girls’ night!
Friends see themselves as third wheels more
I don’t know why exactly, but your single friends feel more like third wheels if they hang out with you and your husband than if they hang out with you and your boyfriend.
You stress about work more
Getting married puts a sudden fire under your butt that makes you feel like you need to be on top of your career game—now. Getting married is such a grownup thing to do, and it can make you feel like the other grownup areas of your life should be thriving. So you get more into your work, which leaves you with less time for friends.
You feel far from relating to single stories
It can be very, very difficult to relate to your friends’ single stories. It has just been so damn long since you tried to interpret a text message or decided whether or not to be upset that your partner had a female friend he once slept with hanging around.
You’re an undesirable wing woman
When you were a girlfriend, men at bars thought they still had a chance—they thought, “Eh. I could steal her away.” So, you were still a viable wing woman for your single friends. The friends of the men they were interested in would still talk to you. Now that men see a ring on your finger, they just won’t mess with you. And that makes you an undesirable wing woman.
Other married couples want to socialize more
Married couples come out of the woodwork when you tie the knot. Suddenly, all of these married couples who never asked you to hang out before are asking to double date. It’s because they know you’re a verified couple now who (probably) won’t break up.
You can become lazy
If you’re honest, you may become lazy about your friendships. You have a legally-bound best friend for life now in your husband, which can make you not want to put in much effort with your other friends. But you should, because having just one best friend is boring and sad and limiting!