We all know that sex feels better without a condom. Well, for men at least (condoms tend to be lubricated, which helps women out a lot). We also know that when blood is rushing down there for men, it rushes away from their brains, causing them to do and say some pretty stupid things. They evolved to do and say whatever they have to, during those moments they’re aroused, to not use a condom. That’s how reproduction works, after all. So not all guys who try to get out of using condoms are evil. The ones who still push the issue after you’ve said you’re not comfortable with it are, though. And boy will they push the issue. They’ll suddenly become lawyers trying to defend a case, with a folder full of facts and evidence, proving it’s okay to not use a condom. If only they could apply that conviction to their careers. Here are dumb ways guys try to get out of using condoms.
Their last tests came out clean
That’s nice, but when was that test? Would they like to specify a date? Oh and have they had sex since then? Was that without a condom, too? Because then that makes those test results null and void. Is there a copy of these results around somewhere? No? How convenient. Well you’ll just risk your health then on the words of this erect man. Sure.
They only sleep with clean people
What does that even mean? Sometimes it seems like men don’t realize that expensive blowouts, designer clothes, Tiffany’s jewelry and Ralph Lauren perfume do not fend off STD’s. They just think that if a woman looks and smells clean, she must be STD-free.
They only did oral with the last person
When a guy gives you the piece of information that he only did oral with his last partner he’s also giving you the piece of information that he paid no attention in the sexual education class. You can get STD’s from oral, bro!
Their penis looks fine
Oh, okay. Well so long as your penis looks fine it must be STD-free. I mean we all know that STD’s always reveal themselves through large, dark and prominent bumps and discoloration. If those are absent, then so must be an STD…NOT!
It ruins their erection
Well their complaining about having to wear a condom has dried you up so sex was over a long time ago. And honestly—do men really expect you to believe they’d rather have no sex at all than sex with a condom? Yeah, right. You call their bluff. And then you call an Uber.
It won’t fit
First off, men shouldn’t flatter themselves. There are condoms large enough for even some of the most famously well-endowed adult film stars. If there are condoms big enough or them, then there are condoms big enough for these civilian men and they should have been responsible enough to find them.
They have plan B on hand
This is almost offensive because it means they understand you could very likely become pregnant. And they are okay with just…undoing that. They’d rather put your body through a pretty intense process than use a damned condom. That’s rather selfish.
They’re expert puller outers
Nothing gets a girl excited like the mention of all the practice a man has had with other women leading up to this moment. And the mention of all the unprotected sex he’s apparently been having. First off, buddy, pulling out doesn’t prevent STD’s and second off, nobody is an expert at pulling out. That’s why so many puller-outers become pregnant.
They believe in a woman’s right to choose
Wow. This guy isn’t even offering some miraculous pile of plan B pills he keeps in stock. This man is saying that he is perfectly okay with the idea of you becoming pregnant and going through the life-changing, physically and emotionally-traumatizing experience of having an abortion, all of it means he gets to go sans-condom.
The last girl said she was clean
Well then she must have been clean. I mean we all know that everyone is super duper honest all of the time and that everybody gets tested like, every week so, there you have it.
They just showered
If a man says this you may need to pack up his belongings and march him back to his mother’s house because he is clearly not equipped to be out in the world, taking care of himself, living like an adult.
They accuse you of calling them a liar
The narcissistic sociopathic men will turn this around on you. They’ll say that, because you want them to wear a condom, you’re accusing them of lying about their STD test results. They’ll make you feel bad for caring about your health. Because we all know that getting into an argument makes a woman want to have sex.
It’ll bring us closer
It sure will when you have to pay for all of my STD medication and go to every doctor’s visit with me and accept the fact that I’m going to reach out to every woman you’ve ever slept with to let them know you’re infected and passing it around. Yup—we’ll be much closer then. You’re right.
They ran out
Oh alrighty then. I mean, if you ran out you ran out. Nothing we can do about it then. I guess we just have to have sex and risk contracting an STD or becoming pregnant. What are we expected to do? Just not have sex…Oh. Right.
Everything’s curable these days
Great. So this guy has no problem with just giving you an STD. He is even admitting that he may have one, but that if you get it, you can just take some medication and it will go away. Nothing like the thought of potential warts and genital burning to keep everybody in the mood.