My partner doesn’t have a very high sex drive. He takes a medication that nearly kills his libido and, while I may have some pull in this relationship, I cannot tell him to stop taking useful medication. That being said, while I understand why he needs to take his medication, that doesn’t eliminate the effects I feel from being with a man who rarely wants to have sex. I can empathize with him, while still acknowledging my own experience. As any woman knows, you’re used to turning men down. You’re used to spending half of your day (unfortunately) dodging advances from men you’re not interested in. So to find a man you love and want to have sex with, and to be the one who is dodged, is confusing, and a little painful. Here’s what it’s like to be with a man with a low libido.
You can feel less-than-feminine
It doesn’t feel very feminine to always have to be the one initiating sex. Whether it’s wrong or right, women are used to men constantly pursuing sex. We’re not used to having to be the aggressors. There is a difference between initiating sex because you feel like being the boss that night, and always initiating it because if you don’t, nobody else will. So much for feeling dainty and girly.
You can question his attraction to you
How can you not? Even if your partner tells you constantly how hot you look, how attracted he is to you and how he thinks you’re the most beautiful woman on earth, it’s hard to believe it when none of that results in an erection. You have to work a little harder than other women in relationships to keep your self-esteem up.
There’s a lot of pressure when he is in the mood
On the rare occasion that your partner is in the mood, you kind of just have to have sex—even if you aren’t in the mood. The opportunity doesn’t come around often, and you know if you don’t get on this boat, there may not be another one for weeks. Or months…There are times you just can’t bring yourself to have sex, even when he wants to. And then he gets upset with you because he, too, knows how rare this occasion is. That feels unfair considering all of the times you want to have sex and he doesn’t. And you don’t complain then.
Sometimes, you see how long he can hold out
Sometimes, as an experiment, you don’t initiate sex for a very long time. You tell yourself, “He is a man after all! He must want to have sex eventually. If I don’t initiate it, he’ll want it soon enough.” Boy, were you wrong. You’d swear your partner forgot sex even existed.
Your friends with active sex lives make you jealous
Listening to your friends talk about all the sex they’re having with their partners makes you sad and jealous. Here you are, in a loving relationship with a (mostly) perfectly healthy mean. You searched high and low for this partner. And now, you don’t get to have one of the best perks of a long-term relationship: consistent sex.
Your friends pity you, and question the circumstances
Your friends feel very sorry for you. You hate that, because you already feel sorry for yourself. Some of your friends also secretly question if your partner actually has a low sex drive, or if something is just wrong in your relationship. They don’t say it, but you know they think it.
Other men offer to “help out”
If other men get the tiniest hint that you’re not having enough sex in your relationship, they target you. They assume that you’ll be so desperate and filled with so much pent-up sexual energy, that you’ll cheat.
You worry you aren’t bonding enough
Having sex with your partner, and particularly having orgasms with him, boosts the production of hormones that make you feel bonded to him. You often worry that your bond isn’t as strong as it could be, because you don’t have much sex.
You wonder if you’re bad in bed
Even if your partner insists you’re good in bed and he wouldn’t change a thing, how can you not feel insecure about your skills, when your partner barely wants to do the deed? You may find yourself re-looking up old articles on how to do this or that in bed, even though you know you’re already skilled.
When you have sex, you worry he felt forced into it
Every time you and your partner have sex, a little part of you wonder if he felt forced into it. Maybe he is just very good at acting, and pretended to be in the mood. Sometimes, you have a hard time enjoying sex while you’re in the middle of it, because you fear your partner doesn’t really want to be doing this.
You want to ask his exes if he was always like this
You can’t help but be a little curious…You just want to know if it’s really his libido, or if it’s you. A great way to find out would be to ask his past girlfriends and ask what his sex drive was like with them. But this would make you a crazy girlfriend.
Sometimes, you feel like you’re just friends
Sometimes, if you really think about it—if you think about the day you spent walking the dog and hanging up photos and chopping vegetables and watching Netflix and not having sex—you feel like you and your partner are just friends. Is there even still a spark there? Did you even kiss that day?!
Your relationship can feel like a sham
When you and your partner leave a party early, someone makes a smart*ss comment like, “Are you going home to get it on?” You laugh and think, “I wish.” Then you get sad knowing all those people think you and your partner are going home to have sex, but you’re actually going home to put on a face mask and watch TV.
When you have sex, there’s pressure on it to be great
Since you don’t have sex very often, when you do, you feel a lot of pressure to make it memorable. If there are any mishaps or awkward moments, they leave you feeling devastated. That was your one shot at good sex for a while.
You know things will get worse with age
You can feel a little sad knowing that everyone’s sex drive naturally decreases with age. If your partner, who is in his 30s or 40s, already has the libido of a 60-year-old-man, then what will his libido be like when he’s actually 60?!