Source: Westend61/Getty Images
UPDATED: March. 17, 2021 —
Your relationship is where you should feel the most like yourself. Think about it; you may marry this person, live with them forever, move between cities with them, face financial and health hardships and celebrate victories. If you can’t be yourself, then all of the hard times will be harder, and all of the fun times won’t be as great as they could be.
A lot of people don’t think about the long-term when they’re in a relationship—they don’t realize this dynamic could go on for the rest of my life. And, depending on your relationship, that could be great, or it could be a shame. The best thing you can do for yourself and your relationship is to be confident in yourself.
“When people enter relationships, they enter them for various reasons,” says Ashley Townes, PhD, MPH sexuality educator and researcher. “Regardless of the reason, if a person is not already confident in who they are before entering a relationship, it will be a lot easier to lose themselves while in the relationship.”
Here are signs you can’t be yourself in your relationship:
1. You engage in things you don’t like to do
Sometimes individuals want to please their partners by engaging in behaviors together. Typically, this would be fine, however, if you really don’t want to engage in certain behaviors but you do them anyway, then, over time, you will lose yourself. For example, if your partner engages in recreational drug use and you don’t but try it to please your partner, it is possible that you may begin to engage in other behaviors that could lead down a path of losing who you truly were in the beginning. “One way to fix this is by staying true to yourself and creating boundaries for behaviors,” says Townes.
2. You don’t keep in touch with family and friends
In the beginning of relationships, it may be easier to maintain communication with family and friends. But if you notice that over time your communication is fading, and your only engaging with the relationships that your partner is comfortable with you having, then you might be losing yourself in your relationship.
“Maintaining relationships with others outside of your partner is healthy,” says Townes. “One way to fix this is to have dedicated time apart from your partner. Try for a girls’ night out, mom/daughter time, or sister shopping date.”
3. You are in constant competition with others
With social media being at the forefront of most of our lives, it can be very tempting to share every detail of your relationships on social media. Sharing is not a problem, however, if you notice that by sharing you feel less than someone else or that elements of your relationship have to be shown off, then maybe you might be losing yourself to social media. “If you feel the need to post images every time you are with your partner, every single gift that your partner gets for you, or every action that your partner performs for you, you might be losing yourself to social media,” says Townes.
Also keep in mind that if you appear to be more consumed with social media than spending time with your partner, your partner might feel neglected. “One way to fix this is to have time limits for social media, and to discuss social media boundaries with your partner about what will and what will not be shared about your relationship,” says Townes.
4. You don’t speak up for yourself during a conflict
Conflict is inevitable in relationships. If you feel that your voice is unheard, you are uncomfortable speaking up for yourself, or that conflict goes unresolved in your relationship, you might be losing yourself. “Every person deserves to be and feel respected in relationships,” says Townes. “If you are unable to address conflict in healthy ways with your partner, you might want to consider seeking professional assistance with conflict resolution.”
5. Your partner still thinks you’re perfect
As in, he rarely sees you without makeup on. Even at bedtime, you have at least a little lip gloss and mascara on. Oh, and you always sleep in your cute pajamas and wear your sexy underwear around him. Always. This is a clear sign you aren’t being yourself.
To resolve this, try doing things you would do if he weren’t around. Try wearing your scarf at night in front of him or wear less and less makeup each time your together.
“All of these behaviors can lead to unhealthy feelings and lack of self-worth. If you notice them, address them quickly by considering your intentions,” says Townes.
