It’s a bold undertaking even to attempt to explain how sex is different when you’re in love versus when you aren’t. But it’s worth trying to explain so that, if anyone out there is wondering if they’re in love, or wondering if it’s time to hang up the old different-partner-every-week hat, they can work toward an answer.
Anyone who tries to tell you that sex with someone you love versus sex with someone you don’t is the same, is off their rocker and never been in love. Think about it: everything is different when you do it with somebody you love, from grocery shopping to picking out a movie, so it’s safe to say that the intense and intimate act of sex would be altered a bit. Here are all the ways sex is just different when you’re in love.
You talk about it more
Throughout the day, you talk about when you’ll have sex (before or after dinner—before you won’t be bloated but after you won’t be rushed) and during (pointing out every cute little thing the person does).
You don’t have to do it all of the time
Unlike when you’re in a casual relationship, things don’t feel terribly wrong if you don’t have sex one night. You don’t need sex to feel connected, but it’s a very fun thing to do.
You laugh a lot at the beginning
In general, there is far more laughing, giggling and joking around. You could describe sex with someone you love as fun in addition to hot, steamy, rowdy—you get it. But the main difference is that it is fun.
It feels totally seamless, even when it isn’t
Nothing goes “wrong” during sex with someone you love, even if something goes wrong. In other words, if the lubricant bottle makes a funny noise or the condom breaks before even going on, it doesn’t change the mood or the momentum.
It’s like finishing an equation or completing something important
Sex with someone you love feels as satisfying as finishing a puzzle, completing an equation, or just putting the cherry on top of the perfect sundae. It leaves you feeling at ease rather than flustered or awkward.
You don’t feel at all judged
You don’t for a second worry about how your stomach looks or whether or not you’re good at something. You’re aware of these things, sure, but you don’t worry that they’ll make the experience worse for anybody.
You don’t notice mechanics
You don’t even notice how he does this or how you do that; you’re so focused on the other person’s pleasure, rather than on whether or not you’re doing a good job.
It’s not about performance
We can’t emphasize enough the fact that the performance aspect goes away. You don’t worry that they’re thinking things or think, “I’ll have to tell my friends about this.” You’re both just swept up in the sensations.
But they really care if you orgasm
While it isn’t about performance, your partner genuinely cares about making you orgasm. His care doesn’t come from a place of proving himself but rather giving something really good to somebody he loves.
It makes you regret having slept with other people
You sort of wish you hadn’t shared this intimate experience with those bozos of your past. Nothing you can do about it now, of course, and you’re glad you had the experience before finding this person you love, but you realize just how meaningless those past encounters were.
You smile a lot
Your cheeks hurt by the end of it because you were both smiling so much. Being that physically close to somebody you love can’t help but put a smile on your face.
There’s way more cuddling and kissing before and after
You love cuddling and kissing so much that you lose track of time and don’t realize you’ve been doing that for twenty minutes! And now it’s time to get serious about the sex part of the evening.
You feel more connected after (rather than less)
Rather than feeling disoriented and a bit lonely (the way you can after hooking up with someone you don’t love) you feel more mentally connected to your partner.
It feels more like a team activity than a competition
You’re not doing something to the person or at the person but rather with the person. You lose track of whose body part is whose and who is responsible for what action. You’re doing it together.
You think less
When it’s over, you realize you were almost in a meditative state—your brain turned off, and it was awesome.
You say, “I love you” during it!
That’s certainly a big difference! And it infuses every movement and gesture with a little…spark.
You look at each other, and it’s not weird
You make eye contact on purpose, and it doesn’t freak you out. In fact, it makes you smile.
Commitment talk turns you on
Talking about things like the house you’d like to buy together some day and the way you’d like to raise your children turns you both on. That certainly doesn’t turn the casual couple on.
They go in your spank bank
You think about your partner when you masturbate. In fact, thoughts of him make you want to masturbate.
You and the room can be a mess
It doesn’t matter if you haven’t brushed your hair, he hasn’t put on real pants today, and nobody has made the bed or picked up the dirty dishes next to it—exterior components don’t need to be perfect because interior ones are.